Sunday, September 11

Body: Fine. Normal. We went on a short hike on our drive home, a mile or so. We stopped often enough to keep the body from getting TOO pissy. But it's still a long fucking drive.

Brain: Fair. Woke naturally after solid sleep. Got up & started coffee as quietly as I could, and BK came down the stairs (while I laughed at his herky-jerky pain, I am such an asshole!) and because it was a stupid open-floor-plan condo, everyone was soon up. After we were all packed up we just sat around in silence for the longest time, doing nothing, and I was MAD. I wanted to be in nature somewhere, on a trail or at my lake, and meanwhile we were all sitting there doing nothing.

When we finally moved, we at least went to breakfast at the place on the lake, so I took my book down to the lake while they ate, since it had barely been an hour since I ate. And also, my laaaake. I really missed the cabins on my lake, my big rocky outcrop, my blissful sunrises. But this helped. I suppose I came off poorly, avoiding them, but I won't apologize for needing to avoid people; I needed that time. I tried to join them after using the bathroom and refilling coffee, but they were socializing and I just had to leave, I couldn't deal with the noise.

I would sure like to have been able to hang out with BK, but it's different while KK is there. Her presence changes him, and I can't stand their constant bickering. I've been doing my best not to let nostalgia take over and make him into the perfect friend that I used to think he was. I see now he is not, and was not, and frankly I feel ashamed at how important I made him in my life, and that feeds into my low opinion of myself.

Ride home was appropriately quiet and chill, included a final visit to my lake. I read a bunch. I reflected. We returned to the Duluth Grill even though I wasn't even hungry. Had a redonk situation picking up the car in Sauk, but I finally made it home, where I unpacked and crashed. Not looking forward to a long Monday.

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