Friday, September 9

Body: Slept a little choppy. Long day of crewing left feet achey and low back got very tight around 1a. Rain meant we sat in truck at aid stations rather than slowly freeze at a limp fire, which mean nearly sleeping, but not quite, which was very bad for me.

Brain: Started out pretty good, race was exciting and BK was doing well. Got to eat two real meals & even got downtime to visit my lake. It was fun & I was energized & almost back in my element  

Once I got overtired, though, I thoroughly quit caring. I didn't give a shit about BK, I didn't want to see KK, I didn't want to hear how DQ's pacing was going, and if I had to listen to one more runner blather on about his last race or how his training plan this winter will include a bunch of strength and core work (because they ALL say that and it's always bullshit, they never do it), I would've started crying and curled up in the fetal position.

Also because I feel like I'm not a runner anymore, and I am ashamed at my mental struggles that have made me this non-runner, I can't muster up the usual convos at these things.

I simply reached a serious breaking point where I just Did Not Fucking Care and nearly checked completely out. Luckily Justen was quiet and thus I could still stand him, and he continued to be helpful when I stopped. After the final aid station I was able to make breakfast and take a shower to see the finish, which was earlier than expected and thus should've made me ME again, but it didn't. I was too shot and the finish line was far too peopley. I don't think I said a word to BK. He sent me to take a nap because I looked and acted like such hell. I am ashamed of that yet also not, because I do not feel like it's in my control anymore. I sure do wish it was. 

I was overtired and angry-exhausted, but also being at an RSR event up north leaves me full of memories, deeply missing the old days, the old BK, the many runs we enjoyed, the connection we once had that has been severed by KK. That also leads me directly into how much I miss HH and how will I keep on without her forever. And then how lonely I feel and how depressed I've been, and how that has affected everything and why is this happening and allathat, all over again. 

Basically, I couldn't get out of my sad head into happy NOW, and I'm sorry, ashamed, helpless.

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