Thursday, September 29

Body: Bad sleep yet again; woke h/s/g and had to get up and eat (buttered bread). Took ages to fall back, of course. Got up okay because brain SO GOOD. Feeling unhappy in the knees, and low back still tight, but otherwise pretty damned good. Woke up determined to climb the rope today, stop fucking around: and I did it. Chief wasn't there, so I got to tell him I did it while he was out, THREE TIMES, and he said that's not possible because it's illegal - I agreed with a smile. It's been fun, but I am VERY ready to change back to a powerlifting focus. I really really miss my barbell. Couple more weeks...just a couple.

Brain: So good, so good, so good! Woke up knowing that today the NSS team would hear the news. Got to meet with Chief about various things including hearing his excitement about the giant ongoing website project. Had a really fun training session with Tony & Jeremy, though naturally missed Chief. Chief announced All The News to the team, and their reaction pretty much made my LIFE. I thought Paige was going to cry. (I thought I might cry.) They brought bootch for the WHOLE TEAM, most of whom had never had it, and most seemed to have liked it. Had a major panic when several of them began shaking theirs up, DON'T SHAKE THEM! It was such a wonderful time. We also had free lunch for Katelynn's birthday so it was just the bestest evah. Had to ditch early to go lead a group fitness thing with Other Chief and I was the main/lead person, and it was super dee duper fun times! Silly, fun, my element. And OC had lovely things to say afterward, which made me glow. Then I took the supplies back to NSS, and OMG my young coworkers were the most loveliest, wanting to hear all about it and how long in the works and Paige especially, and FUCK I'm going to miss her. So much silly fun, I was there until 5:30 and leaving was like walking out with a posse of besties. These are my people. This is my tribe. I am forever grateful to have found it, and I will do my best, always, every fucking DAY, to make it a success. Got home early enough to play fetch, to read, to snuggle with kittehs, to reflect on all the happy happiness.

Wednesday, September 28

Body: Took forever to fall asleep, woke h/s/g at 3a but didn't get up, woke at 4, woke to dogs at 530a, got up okay but unhappy. Right knee is having issues on the backside and lower right (almost ITB?) in addition to where the quad insertion has been aching. Yesterday I decided it may be caused by the SL squats on Tuesdays, and the way things ache today, it feels even more certain. QLs are also tighter today than they were on Monday. Have been tight for a couple weeks now, stretching them in sessions. Low back also quite tight today, very much so.

Brain: Good. Talked with other tax boss for much of the morning about how to make tax season better and what I can do here yet, and it may be longer than I really WANT it to be, but still as short as I NEED it to be. And everyone is being very kind and thoughtful and understanding. Lunched with Mom and told her, so the news will fly quickly. Unhappy news HH didn't get into Boston (by 48 stupid seconds!) but BL immediately pointed out that makes it more likely she can come to MN for Spring Superior and MAN ALIVE I hope that happens! Happy news for BL and a new job in Alex (he had been looking at maybe moving) which is a big fat YAAAAY!

Had a wonderful time at the SGC kickoff at NSS. Got to talk to women about doing pull-ups and how hard they are yet how satisfying they are. Loved seeing that although we certainly had a lot of body comp goal chasers, at least half are chasing a strength goal. SUPER pumped for these team trainings to begin!

Tuesday, September 27

Body: Really good. Killed it in today's session, even by doing more weight than I was supposed to because T-Dog used the wrong day. Take THAT Dustin, quit underestimating me! Ran at Woodland with Ann and made her get to 3 miles, but I felt like I could've done more. It's good to keep feeling this, but damn I miss my beastie who could reliably pull me along for 7.1 no matter what.

Brain: So good. A chaotic day without the sick Chief, but much was accomplished and it was fantastic to watch the team pull together and get shit done.

I worked through SGC program with Other Chief, then went through it with a couple coaches who have injury-issue clients and figured out some good modifications. Happy to have the chance to be proactive about that because it's a lot tougher when there are 21 other people needing direction at the same time.

Ordered a gift for Paige, who I'm really going to miss...NSS is going to have a much different feel without her silliness. Found a wonderful source of Heidi gifts, and also realized it's almost her birthday, which made me delay the package so I can find another thing or two for her. She is one of my favorite people.

My BB stopped by to nab my bag full of Wonder Woman wearables for GP to dress up in. I am not exactly her size, but most of it is small for me, and pins could make things work if need be. I'm excited to see what she comes up with. the little rockstar.

Emailed the boss boys about the status. Other Chief writes such amazing emails in response. He can't be my favorite Chief, those giant shoes are filled4lyfe - but man, he impresses me a little bit more with every interaction. These are SO my people.

Monday, September 26

Body: Antsy all day thanks to existential crisis. LCSP-ing with Ann was too short, but it was something. Body felt amazing after a recovery weekend.

Brain: Ugh, tough. Had to disappoint the second-best boss pair I've ever had. Had to disappoint all my coworkers. Tried to alleviate some of it with a semi-open timeline, but it will never be good enough for them, but just this once I need to be extremely selfish. I must. I must. Some email therapy with my beloved Heidi that helped me make the right choice: love that girl. I am still nervous and anxious and scared but I know it's going to be the right thing in the end, I have zero doubts. But still. It was good to get to LCSP fall beauty, but I also need to get there solo to really soak it up.

Sunday, September 25

Body: Better sleep, since the dogs were properly exhausted. But still not very good. Woke up with a sore/tight lower back, and weirdly aching front tooth, which went away. Probably dehydrated and over-coffeed from yesterday. The rain was coming down steadily so we packed up & headed west, and found a new state park with trails to hike. Again too short, but it was a compromise with the rest of the family who wanted to be home. At home, knocked out necessary chores and then was lazy. Could've done a workout, but didn't have it in my plans, so I let it go.

Brain: Upset by the rain, but what can you do? Not control the weather, obviously. Happy we found a place to hike after all, and it was lovely. Drive got old, happy to get home to snuggly kittehs. Knocked out chores. Read.

Thought about tomorrow's conversation and how selfish I should be. I want myself to be far more selfish than I normally would ever allow. Perhaps it's time to re-read some of my journaling from last winter...yep, that did it. Specifically, THIS did it. In just 6 weeks I turned into a crying-all-day puddle of depression. And stayed pretty low for most of 4 months. That's 1/3 of my life. That's not okay. I'm just not built for that kind of workload.

Saturday, September 24

Body: TERRIBLE night of sleep, with anxious dogs that barked at every strange noise (all noises were strange) and a Hank who insisted on sleeping with us in a too-small bed. AWFUL. Got up to down coffee outside with a book and let the tired hubs keep sleeping, then fetched more coffee & took Hanky walking over to the Marina. After a few hours, our first hike was gorgeous but far too short (hubs' knee felt badly). NAP TIME. Then another easy too-short hike that was supposed to be a half-mile longer, but Lexi was struggling so probably good that it wasn't. Went to bed very early

Brain: Decent. Enjoyed some lake time with Hankypank. Wished we could've gone hiking for many more miles, or on a run. Maybe tomorrow, but the weather looks to be bad. Today's was decent; mostly cool & sometimes misty, but not raining, and not hot, I enjoyed it! Did some truck-based sight-seeing which was better than nothing, but not my favorite. Got most of a book read. Did my best not to think about next week.

Friday, September 23

Body: Feeling very sore in the lower body all morning, sore upper body by the afternoon. 3.5 hours in the truck treated me better than it usually does.

Brain: Excellent. Got a ton of work done, had good chitchat with all, had the bestest convo with boss boys that leave me with a rough conversation to have with the other boss boys. I am both delighted and terrified. Tripped up north to our tiny cabin with the hubs & the dogs. Excited to hike!

Thursday, September 22

Body: Again took a while to fall asleep and wanted to sleep in. But got up feeling okay. Feet & lower legs definitely aching from running. Some aches from Tuesday. Knee/quad thing is a little worse. Session went well; was fun being silly with Jeremy on pull-ups & while Dustin was trying to kill me with push-ups. Eve run was solo, and I didn't take ANY walk breaks, and running hasn't felt this good in AGES.

Brain: A wonderful day. Normal me. Good energy, good attitude, silliness when I wanted to be. NORMAL ME. I haven't felt this good in AGES.

Wednesday, September 21

Body: Lately it's taking me a long time to fall asleep, and then I want to sleep in. Today the hubs woke me at 6a and I probably could've slept another hour - what's up? Will try taking the SAMe earlier (not right before bed) and also cut down to one Benadryl (not two) and anyway allergy season should be over soon. Ran up to Dad's shop to pay him $1000 (just a little sweat on the check) and on the way I was running too fast, so I took a walk break until my pace dropped to 9:45 (like 3 minutes) which was near the park, where I noticed no one was around, and there that pole was that I tried to climb weeks I ran over and CLIMBED THAT MOFO. No video evidence (wasn't running with a phone) and no witnesses, but I scraped up my leg a bit and I KNOW I DID IT and I was pretty excited. At the shop I was overheating (lost my breeze inside) and after a few minutes was even light-headed so I sat down. Felt a little gross, but not terrible, so I headed back. After 3 blocks, I took a 2-block walk break. Then repeated that, then just had 4 blocks to finish. Felt okay back at work. Just...a little weird.

Brain: Good except a little tired. BIG achievement climbing that pole! Some FB silliness. Some technology frustration. Eve NSS client appreciation picnic was pretty fun. A little frustrated at the coworkers who didn't help much, but I should be used to that one of these days. I feel like it's the highly sensitive thing, noticing all the little things that ought to get done, things that others may not see. Yay for my lucky employers, I guess? Hubs came, which was fun, it's nice that he isn't always off working anymore.

Tuesday, September 20

Body: Still aching from Sunday lifting. Noticed the knee thing is mainly right, and it's the quad insertion more so than the knee joint. Feel it at a full stretch, not just in a squat (muscle being engaged) position. Maybe just needs some stretching. Wouldn't be a surprise that all the consecutive-day running is catching up to me, although they have been short runs. Lifted early in the day; pulls went backward a bit, but the Prowler stopped leaving me ready to faint, at least. Eve run with Ann was 5/2 which felt easy and I wish I'd been able to drop her off then keep going, but: things to do.

Brain: A very good day. Normal me, nearly. Much work accomplished. Walking meeting with Tall Chief that included the reality of "Um, you realize it's too late to decide anything, I have another tax season." Much appreciation that when I asked about modified hours during the upcoming SGC, his immediate response was "Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane." Love that man so much. Fun outdoor noon WSN workout with Other Chief, including some Couch to 5k pals. Much silliness about potential Boss's Day fun. Chitchat with Paige, leaving us in just 2.5 weeks...why do so many of my favorites leave me?! Sweet gift from Chief, a book I wanted by I writer I adore. Trip to the library to stock up on vacation weekend reading. Ran into a past C25k peep there, one who easily could've ignored me but called me over, which was a perfect delight. Hugs, even. Nice night at home, reading my new book with pets & hubs snuggled in around me.

Monday, September 19

Body: Took a while to fall asleep, then struggled to get up, despite 9 hours in bed: ugh. Body is QUITE sore from lifting, like it's been a while (I guess it has). Knees have been achey in a deep squat for the past week or two; something I notice in daily life like scooping pet food, or digging in my bag on the floor. Stopped at a DBB client on my way to an eve run, which meant changing in the bathroom at LCSP (where the lights shut off after two minutes) so I changed at NSS and just ran in town, also saving the travel time. Roads still suck.

Brain: Bit MEH thanks to sleepiness and dreary morning. Office at DBB smelled very strongly of freshly stained wood which was a bit overpowering. Had to have windows open for fresh air, thus also to loud traffic; tried to play music to mask it, but it didn't work, and instead made far too much aggravating noise. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to work in the noisiness of NSS at all. Today we also discussed tax season plans and it was cemented in for me that yes, I'm suffering through another tax season; even though I already knew it, now I KNOW it. I need to find smart, useful ways to survive it. It would be so lovely to feel like I could even thrive during it...wishful thinking. Silly texts with HH, finding out where she is with BQ times. Grateful client on way home. Road run at least let me tour neighborhoods of coworkers. Nice night at home.

Sunday, September 18

Body: Tons of sleep, plus a nap after lifting. Lifting went pretty well; OHP a bit disappointing, but I'll allow it since the rest was better than I anticipated, a pleasant surprise. Lazy rest of the day.

Brain: Busy productive morning; some financial stressing though. Hubs home for nap time. Quiet day of chores & an audiobook & avoiding the TV thing I absolutely loved about his absence: the TV wasn't on for even a second. Silence makes me happy.

Saturday, September 17

Body: Excellent solo run at LCSP, missed Heidi but kept the brain & body together. Joy met me when I finished, and we went for a lovely stroll. Napped in afternoon, then it was SUCH a gorgeous sunny fall day that I HAD TO take the dogs walking. Went to Brophy where they made me crazy, but it was worth it.

Brain: Very good. A bit lonely, but some texts with HH, TONS OF TIME with my BB, and an enjoyable amount of quiet time to read. Snuggled in with critters. Some stress at the St Cloud stabbing incident, wanting to cry about the sadness of the world, but I pulled myself out of it. I can't read that shit, I am too fucking sensitive to handle it. I did spend some time being upset that I never heard from BK all weekend, but I reminded myself that was exactly what I expected, and it has nothing to do with my worth or value, and I can't let myself care anymore.

Friday, September 16

Body: Fair; cat keeps waking me up but I'm doing okay.

Brain: A great NSS day, although partly because I completely forgot to do a normal Friday task. Met hubs for lunch for the first time in unknown years. A silent house ahead of me for the entire weekend, as he went to Cedar Lake: bliss.

Thursday, September 15

Body: Sore from Tuesday, but good. Session was fun. Eve got in some downhill training.

Brain: Good, busy, no time to think, which is what I'm needing.

Wednesday, September 14

Body: Feeling good. Sleep a little choppy, but my morning wake-up by Clyde was early enough (330a) to fall all the way back for a full cycle, for once. Ran to Dad's shop & back to do his bookwork, which was fast/hard, but fun because short. Met Ann at LCSP on a lovely eve.

Brain: A little better yet again. Made weekend plans with my BB. NSS chitchat. Brain in a fairly good place, work was nicely busy so I couldn't dwell on anything.

Tuesday, September 13

Body: Feeling good. Session felt quite good, though still light-headed after the Prowler, though pushed it three straight lengths, so who knows. Went solo to LCSP but saw Dan H right as I came out of the bathroom, so I ran with him. Managed to do more/better than I expected, so that was a nice surprise after a full week off. Most importantly, I enjoyed it, which is the biggest victory evah.

Brain: Pretty good, in comparison to where it's been, but not quite normal. I have started the SAMe (1st one Monday night) so maybe that will help. I read a post by one of our people, in which all of our people were mentioned except me, and I'd like to believe it was just an oversight, but it even if it's just that, it stings. And naturally, the CIV insists it was intentional, and that makes me hurt. Badly.

Tremendously busy day at NSS, trying to catch up for vacation and also just a huge workload besides. Had talks with both bosses and felt like I was a fuzzy-headed fool for both of them, tired and dumb. Was able to talk with Chief in my session about the weekend, and told him I wasn't doing it again & hubs was going to remind me, and he promised to remind me as well. I am so grateful for how much he gets me, without me having to specify all the feels. I shall depend on these two men & HH to keep me from thinking I'm horrible for how I feel.

Monday, September 12

Body: Terrible sleep, thanks to forgetting Benadryl, leaving my pillow at the resort, and a jerk-faced Clyde. Heavily debated a noon run (SFAC at NSS in eve); when I'm already so tired, is it going to increase my stress, or is it more important to get moving after so many days without? I was too tired to think it a good idea. Figured I'd recover faster from the low sleep with less physical stress.

Brain: Tired. Wanting a short day, getting a long one. Cranky due to low sleep, unsettled due to weekend. Had texts from my HH that helped muy mucho. Eve had to go to NSS for our fundraising event to which a sad disappointing FOUR people showed, but the information was great, and we still collected a lot of donations, so overall it's okay I guess. Still, it made me want to cry, that we had such a poor showing. A trip to the library helped, as well as a quiet house. Had a round of texts from BK, DQ, and JR about post-race blues, and it was clear that I was the only one who did not feel the full depth of the weekend, not like I normally do. They are all-in for BK, which lessens the anxiety I have over the change I feel. He doesn't need me, it's fine.

Sunday, September 11

Body: Fine. Normal. We went on a short hike on our drive home, a mile or so. We stopped often enough to keep the body from getting TOO pissy. But it's still a long fucking drive.

Brain: Fair. Woke naturally after solid sleep. Got up & started coffee as quietly as I could, and BK came down the stairs (while I laughed at his herky-jerky pain, I am such an asshole!) and because it was a stupid open-floor-plan condo, everyone was soon up. After we were all packed up we just sat around in silence for the longest time, doing nothing, and I was MAD. I wanted to be in nature somewhere, on a trail or at my lake, and meanwhile we were all sitting there doing nothing.

When we finally moved, we at least went to breakfast at the place on the lake, so I took my book down to the lake while they ate, since it had barely been an hour since I ate. And also, my laaaake. I really missed the cabins on my lake, my big rocky outcrop, my blissful sunrises. But this helped. I suppose I came off poorly, avoiding them, but I won't apologize for needing to avoid people; I needed that time. I tried to join them after using the bathroom and refilling coffee, but they were socializing and I just had to leave, I couldn't deal with the noise.

I would sure like to have been able to hang out with BK, but it's different while KK is there. Her presence changes him, and I can't stand their constant bickering. I've been doing my best not to let nostalgia take over and make him into the perfect friend that I used to think he was. I see now he is not, and was not, and frankly I feel ashamed at how important I made him in my life, and that feeds into my low opinion of myself.

Ride home was appropriately quiet and chill, included a final visit to my lake. I read a bunch. I reflected. We returned to the Duluth Grill even though I wasn't even hungry. Had a redonk situation picking up the car in Sauk, but I finally made it home, where I unpacked and crashed. Not looking forward to a long Monday.

Saturday, September 10

Body: 4 hours of solid sleep followed by a pot of coffee gave me energy for the day (half-day). Volunteered and stayed energized all the way through clean-up. Hard to settle into sleep but two Benadryl took charge eventually.

Brain: I was myself again. I was chatty and huggy and silly and helpful. I was also smart enough not to station myself with a task right at the finish line, knowing it would be too draining. I was not capable of caring for needy runners anymore, but I could sure help shoppers at the merch table. I was glad not to be hearing BK tell his stories to everyone on repeat like prior years, but it actually meant I never heard any of it, which is sad. I did get to hear a lot of others tell me how their race went, in brief summaries, which was all I was capable of. A few people I wish I'd had time with, like GP, but mostly it was a just-right dose. I was able to spend time with Cheri which gave me further proof of her sweetness. It is nice to meet genuinely nice people. After all that, back at the condo everyone was asleep. Short day.  

Friday, September 9

Body: Slept a little choppy. Long day of crewing left feet achey and low back got very tight around 1a. Rain meant we sat in truck at aid stations rather than slowly freeze at a limp fire, which mean nearly sleeping, but not quite, which was very bad for me.

Brain: Started out pretty good, race was exciting and BK was doing well. Got to eat two real meals & even got downtime to visit my lake. It was fun & I was energized & almost back in my element  

Once I got overtired, though, I thoroughly quit caring. I didn't give a shit about BK, I didn't want to see KK, I didn't want to hear how DQ's pacing was going, and if I had to listen to one more runner blather on about his last race or how his training plan this winter will include a bunch of strength and core work (because they ALL say that and it's always bullshit, they never do it), I would've started crying and curled up in the fetal position.

Also because I feel like I'm not a runner anymore, and I am ashamed at my mental struggles that have made me this non-runner, I can't muster up the usual convos at these things.

I simply reached a serious breaking point where I just Did Not Fucking Care and nearly checked completely out. Luckily Justen was quiet and thus I could still stand him, and he continued to be helpful when I stopped. After the final aid station I was able to make breakfast and take a shower to see the finish, which was earlier than expected and thus should've made me ME again, but it didn't. I was too shot and the finish line was far too peopley. I don't think I said a word to BK. He sent me to take a nap because I looked and acted like such hell. I am ashamed of that yet also not, because I do not feel like it's in my control anymore. I sure do wish it was. 

I was overtired and angry-exhausted, but also being at an RSR event up north leaves me full of memories, deeply missing the old days, the old BK, the many runs we enjoyed, the connection we once had that has been severed by KK. That also leads me directly into how much I miss HH and how will I keep on without her forever. And then how lonely I feel and how depressed I've been, and how that has affected everything and why is this happening and allathat, all over again. 

Basically, I couldn't get out of my sad head into happy NOW, and I'm sorry, ashamed, helpless.

Thursday, September 8

Body: Fair. Energy okay, and session was good; pushing the prowler didn't send me into light-headedness, although it didn't seem quite normal yet. QLs were noticeably tight while pushing the sled, weird. Long drive up north was okay on the body for once.

Brain: Got my big rocks done before vacation (new guy on website) plus nonstop assorted randomness that made me wish I wasn't leaving early. So busy. Trip up north was mostly good; supper at my favorite place, joined by a couple of other racers that I haven't seen in a while. Stopped at packet pickup and saw lots of trail friends, gave lots of hugs; wish we'd been able to stay for the entire thing. 

Wednesday, September 7

Body: Slept well, but could've slept longer, but damn dogs this time. QLs are feeling quite tight, out of the blue. Low energy due to mentally draining workload. And worked too late to run. Upset. 

Brain: Pretty good. Kind of resenting the upcoming weekend, all the packing & planning & effort to benefit a friend who doesn't deserve it. Trying to figure out when I could run and get my own SHT time, without it wearing me out / becoming a useless crew member (no good time, besides maybe Sunday before we leave, which is perhaps the ideal time, if I could escape by myself). Trying to find places along the route we can access the lake shore for some bliss. Plotted a lunch date with the ol' TS peeps at the end of the month. Some silliness with emails/texts. Really got drained at the end of the day; deadlines loom (next week) for extended tax returns, and I still have some to wade through. But can't give any extra time until next Wednesday, if it's necessary, because I have to be at NSS for our fundraiser next Monday night. It's shockingly hard to work two jobs like this, always feeling the pull of more hours needed, at both; too often I give in, which means less down time, which inevitably leads to breaking. I don't wanna break anymore. (And I want out. I still don't know if I get out.) Packing in the eve left me upset about allergies and regretful about how I give my time. I told the husband not to let me do this again. 

Tuesday, September 6

Body: Wish I'd had 10 hours of sleep again! But energy was mostly good. Session was good but I got light-headed, much beyond the usual, so I nixed evening running. Also I just didn't want to.

Brain: Feeling normal. Capable of the long to-do lists and noise and interruptions. Able to be silly. Lovely. Worked on packing for Superior weekend, which mostly involved plotting out how to bag enough damn food. Also how to bring the right clothes for warm & sunny but also cold & rainy. Ugh. Quite glad I canceled running to have enough time for allathat.

Monday, September 5

Body: Slept another TEN HOURS. Took Hank running and it was a battle to make him behave. Legs felt good, humidity got to me though. Feeling some stiffness in lower body. Napped afterward (three day weekend, three naps, #winning).

Brain: Good. Mostly enjoyable run with Hank, nap time, hubs back home, time to read and read and read. Family ribfest for Dad's birthday, fun times, other than having to give Lexi a bath before we left, foolish swamp-dog.

Sunday, September 4

Body: Slept for TEN HOURS. Got up rested but also with a head stuffed full of allergies. Perhaps my very outdated Benadryl should be replaced with a fresher, more effective version? Lifted and felt pretty good, though certainly missing my strength. Napped afterward. Lazy rest of the day.

Brain: Decent. Lifted, napped, food-prepped, went to bed early. Did not leave the house. Did not speak to a soul besides my pets. Glorious, wondrous, perfect peace & quiet: exactly what my poor addled brain needed.

Saturday, September 3

Body: Quite good. Went LCSP-ing with DQ & BK, and managed the entire lap with only the usual hill-walking, no set intervals. Pretty damn good for where I've been the past few weeks! Mostly lazy the rest of the day.

Brain: Happy with a good run. Extremely disappointed with BK now that I've got enough distance to objectively assess him. Why did I think he was so wonderful? I think this is the last race I'll be supporting him in; the time and money it takes to do this shouldn't all go to his benefit. I'd rather volunteer and give my time to help ALL of the runners.

Post-run, went to NSS to make enough headway on a project that will help our next event which is half my baby, thus worth a little weekend effort. Then errands, including the library (happy place!), shopping at Office Max (another happy place!) and pet store (cute little doggy demanding attention). At home: ate, showered, napped like a champ. Dog park to meet Lisa & Mac & Milo; could've gone better, but could've gone worse, in terms of doggy behavior. From there back to a silent house; snacked & read on the deck, then on the couch, happily so. Soaked up all that silence that I've been needing and missing.

Friday, September 2

Body: Tired. Exhausted. A mess. 

Brain: A fucking mess. Crying in the stall most of the day. Hating everyone because they were talking (the horror!) near me and I couldn't focus and I was overwhelmed by how much work I had to do and fearing weekend work and feeling both sorry for and angry at myself and enjoyed a tiny silent escape to the bank and a brief visit from BB & GP and a lovely lunch with Shannon and ear plugs and pets at home - but mostly I was a fucking mess. 

Reasons I have pinpointed: 
•No proper weekend PLUS not enough sleep during it. Solution: No more workshops? No more tests? Shouldn't have invited Amy (the only highlight of the weekend)?
•Week of poor sleep. Solution: Benadryl every night. 
•Allergies. Solution: Benadryl every night.
•Not enough downtime during week. Solution: Do not run with Ann every night. 
•Feeling abandoned by a certain someone. Solution: say something or get the fuck over it. 
•Terrible horrible no good very bad self-talk. Solution: go through the anxiety workbook exercises, and if things don't get better, go to the doctor and get some drugs. 
•Worrying about drug side effects. Solution: fucking stop. Cross with that bridge when it's reached. 
•Hating myself for being a bitchy coworker today. Solution: apologize. 
•Hating myself for being stupid, weak, scared, paranoid, raw, me, etc. Solution: (?)

Thursday, September 1

Body: Tired again. Slept solidly but my last hour is never good, full of Clyde being a jerkface. Really catching up to me. Felt it in session, tired more quickly with everything. But when Ann asked if we were going to Woodland, I couldn't say no. We only did 2 miles so it was fine.

Brain: Okay. Way too busy at work. Feeling overwhelmed at the amount of stuff to be done and done SOON. Got very disappointed in Chief during session, like he didn't spend any time with me, and that's been a pervasive feeling lately, and it made my cry afterward when I was alone to change, and justlikethat I fell apart, so easily, so very fucking brittle when I don't have enough sleep. Couldn't shake it for the rest of the day. Didn't want to eat, but forced myself to do so, by buying irresistible chips. I can't cut calories on top of low sleep or I'll fucking tank again. I can't handle tanking again. I am very much considering asking my doctor for a prescription.

Wednesday, August 31

Body: Terrible night of sleep; took a long time to fall asleep (not sure why), then woke at 230a (not h/s/g, just wide effing awake), then the cat was an absolute asshole, stepping on me regularly, swishing his tail in my face, until Hank started prancing...I got up very tired and kind of hating the world. Good amount of soreness in legs & lats from yesterday's session. Ran LCSP anyway with Ann, which was easy peasy.

Brain: Tired. Feeling some disappointment with someone very important to me, which leads to disappointment in myself for always expecting too much of my people. Enjoyed the trails, but my new running buddy does not LIKE running right now, so it's not so much fun as it would be with my beastie; no one is as much fun as my beastie, though. Kinda bleah overall today. Went to NSS to knock out a little task and was kinda furious with myself for doing it, but it was to keep a good surprise so I decided it was worth it. But still; I'm feeling overextended way too often lately, and that's just not okay.