Tuesday, August 16

Body: Fine. Session was fine. Still not enjoying it, just not finding any satisfaction in it. Played with rope climbing after work and it won't be too hard, but I wasn't eager to do it, fearing the challenge. And then I watched Paige go right up to the ceiling like it was nothing, and she hasn't been practicing toward it for months, and that made me feel shitty. Had packed running gear but couldn't make myself do it. Too much else to do, hot, depressed.

Brain: First thing I learned at work is that I sent out a stupid-error email to every person on our mailing list, a super obvious "how did that even happen" kind of error. And Dustin had to fix it because it was 6am. Naturally I beat the mental shit out of myself because how was I so dumb? I wasn't capable of handling that error today. I came in feeling terrible already, and this made it completely awful. 

Very depressed. Like it's February all over again. Just BOOM today, at my absolute worst. Crying when I was alone, almost crying even when I wasn't. Two people who said I seemed tired, low energy - note to self, never say that to people. Wrote messages to myself. Tried to shut off my thoughts. Nothing worked for long. Couldn't talk to the hubs; when I've tried in the past I've been bitterly disappointed by his lame useless reactions. Could've talked to Paige but after the rope climb thing I just couldn't. Couldn't tell Chief; I can't dump on him anymore, I just can't. Feeling the loss of Heidi like a goddamn limb. Feeling so isolated, yet so resistant to reaching out to anyone. 

Looked up counseling places in Alex but I am struggling with the idea of asking for help because what the fuck is even wrong with me and my life? And medication side effects terrify me more than feeling like this, and I have always gotten over it in the past. Yet in the past I could blame winter and tax season, or an eating disorder, and I don't have that now. Am thinking it's the stress of the PT cert that feels cheap and shameful, and poor sleep, and terrible running with a daunting 50k coming, and wanting a job overhaul, and loneliness, all of that wearing me down. 

Very close to giving up the 50k so I can regain my sanity. I'll give it this weekend yet. If Saturday's run goes badly, I'm out. Fuck it, it doesn't matter. 

At home, sat outside for a long time in the silence, ate and studied and felt very very alone. And useless.

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