Saturday, August 20

Body: Slept poorly; took ages to fall asleep (I usually fall asleep within 5 minutes), and felt like I tossed & turned. Woke up with a locked-up neck muscle on left side; not the exact spot that has sometimes freaked out from lifting, but quite close. I don't understand how/why that would've happened. GLSP-ing hit my A goal of finding my bliss, but also my B goal of deciding to DNS. Showered & napped (2.5 hours) when I got home from that. Neck still tight (ibuprofen doing nothing whatsoever) and bothersome all day long. 

Brain: As I was out enjoying nature, I thought a LOT about running; why I do it, what it does for me, what it used to do for me, what it has done to me in the past - and what it is doing to me now.

I dislike the overtake of my life required to log the training for this 50k. I wish I could take Hank with me on more runs; I wish the hubs could join me at a new park and fish with Lexi while Hank & I explore. Looking at the long runs on my calendar has been making me wince. Running being hard has left me stressed. 

I recently realized that I have been battling depression for the past 5 or so years, which coincides with the year after my BQ marathon when I began to experience DNFs and DNSs. Correlation is not causation, but since then, too often running has been "one more failure" that gives depression something to lie to me about. I avoided a lot of that last year by volunteering instead of racing, entirely avoiding the pressure of performance and possibility of failure.

The best running I had since that all began, was winter 2014-2015, when running was playful, fun, social time, with no set achievements required, and running did what it was supposed to do: it made my life better. Before the depression battles, that's what running was, too.

I aim to find that again. For now the only "goal" is the Train & Stay, which I can be ready for with regular outings after work - I'll recruit Ann, and brink Hank on my "long" runs, and before long I should even be able to run with my speedsters at LCSP, since I won't need to worry about going far. That sounds lovely. Fun. Fulfilling. Like hobbies are SUPPOSED TO BE.

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