Friday, August 19

Body: Felt good. Lower back not quite as tight as yesterday, but still there. Upper back tight from yesterday's workout, I presume. Good energy, but getting anxious about tomorrow's long run. Stocked up on carbs via potato chips and went to bed early after a quiet, relaxing night.

Brain: Fair. Mostly normal and myself, but had the occasional low moment of comparison and paranoia and sadness, so I drew a heart on my left hand. This worked well on Wednesday; when I see it, I remind myself that depression lies, and I should listen to the voices of love instead. When my mind races down dark alleys of being ashamed, or not good enough, or less than someone else, I make myself look at the heart and think about what someone who loves me would say. Or I simply tell myself that I am loved and worthy of that love. Because sometimes it's really hard to remember, when the CIV is loud and insistent.

Enjoyed lunch with Emma, who is 14 and suddenly very grown up, and her little sister's face is changing, and the brief time I spent with them was wonderful and I can't believe it feels like a burden to find time for them. I love those peeps and I need more time with them. I need to reallocate my energy to include more of my people.

For tomorrow's long run, I turned down an invite to join GP at SJU, plus there is a ROUS meet-up at LCSP that I long to join, but am going to avoid. It won't help me to show up with my runner friends and pretend I'm a runner and hit early burnout and feel sad, nor will it help to stay slow and watch them jet off and leave me behind and sad. I need to go do this on my own, audiobook for support at most, and let my own brain either recover running on its own, or not. I'm fondly remembering the GLSP outing that refilled me a month after the TS layoff left me brittle, and I'm hoping for the same kind of revival this time, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

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