Tuesday, August 30

Body: I made it all the way to my session before thinking about neck pain; it's now only at the extreme end ROM, and it's mild. Session was fun, if overly sweaty. Met Ann at Woodland for another HOT run, did a 2/2 for her (she did the two-month Couch to 5k plan, then two months off!), which felt appropriately easy to me. Was fun to get to know her better and have someone to chat with and make the time blaze past.

Brain: Super fun busy NSS day, got a shit-ton accomplished, even worked a little late to meet Ann. Working on the kinds of tasks I love, and also watched STRONGirl fill up to halfway already, on day one of our launch: awesome! Fun outing with Ann. Few chores knocked out, and still time to read. The book (about Superior 100), prompted me to remember there is usually a fall trail-work weekend, and I always find out the date after I've already filled up all my weekends. Messaged John about when it is, trying to at least find out a date, but he said details to come after Superior. Dammit man, I want to know when it is RANOW so I can book other weekends if I want to! Why isn't everyone else the kind of planner I am?!

Monday, August 29

Body: Neck still there, but much better; 3 on a scale of 1-10, perhaps. Slept well but got up tired (originally titled this post "Saturday, August 20" - oof). Went LCSP-ing solo, in very hot/humid conditions. Lots of branches/trees down, so my mission became trail clean-up, which made it a fun outing.

Brain: Solid. Fun work day, sent off a difficult co-op tax return, made progress on the detective-y one, helped boss man at detective-ing another one. Superior-related fun, sending my crewing spreadsheets and setting up a Saturday run with DQ & BK to discuss the plans. LCSP clean-up fun.

Sunday, August 28

Body: Poor sleep once again thanks to overeating at supper, but slightly better than yesterday. Again accomplished nothing; drove home after workshop and had too many chores and was too mentally shot to try doing anything.

Brain: Logged more studying as soon as I got up. Workshop felt like more of a joke today, time spent going through machines more than free-weights, learning assessments many places don't do, going over equations for the millionth time, UGH. Was weird for me to see all of the machines after the squat-rack life for so long (we were in a brand new Y); I guess they are meant to prevent people from hurting themselves if they don't know what they're doing but honestly it seems like it keeps those people weak and still lets them hurt themselves. Wouldn't it be better to just offer some education? And cheaper, when you factor in the cost of all those machines?! One of the women in class with me (college kid) was a former monster powerlifter (345 squat, 185 bench, 485 deadlift, like holy fucking shit let her injuries heal so she can get back to it!) so I wished I had been more chatty yesterday when I saw her lifter's legs and just KNEW she was a badass. But oh well. The test felt like a breeze; a few things I was uncertain, but most of it felt like DUH, confident it was probably a 90% score, and we only need 70%. Won't know for up to 4 weeks, though. And now instead of test anxiety, I have this new feeling of "Holy shit, that was just the beginning, the hard part hasn't even started!" Headed home with one stop at UA in Albertville and that was WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE for me, so that was it. At home: chores, hubs time, and gratitude that a 3-day weekend is coming since this one was 0 days.

Saturday, August 27

Body: Poor sleep at hotel, woke up tired. Sat all day at PT cert, then hung with Amy & Maya so did nothing in eve either.

Brain: Major overload. PT cert workshop had spells of "holy shit I can't do this" and "this test is a fucking joke" and "well, it's better than it used to be" and "but really I can't do this WELL." Hanging with Amy was great, and she bought my supper as pre-payment for services of being her accountabilibuddy for the next three months. Food logs, some workout ideas, a person to check in and monitor her. Was a TON of fun hanging with Maya, a toddler full of babbling and questions and strange songs and the occasional tantrum who let me into her inner circle; we were bestest buddies by the time they were headed home. I studied and made flash cards until I hit a point that my gummy eyes insisted I was done.

Friday, August 26

Body: Decent but neck still awful. Quads somewhat sore but not sure if that was session or SUP-ing (kneeled for sections). Tight low back in afternoon, but not TOO bad.

Brain: Busy workday but I managed to keep reminding myself not to panic at the workload, it would get done. And it did. Some good topics covered with Dustin, although mostly things that made me wish again that I had a clone; full-time office work doesn't even feel like enough time to get things done. I literally had the thought that maybe I could work there on Labor Day, get caught up on some shit. (SIGH. I must not, need to avoid giving all of my energy and making it something that ruins me.) Drive to the Cities in eve was draining; I dislike driving even 10 minutes lately, much less 2+ hours.

Thursday, August 25

Body: Neck extremely tight again, after being better yesterday. Session went well. Went SUP-ing with the NSS crew, and it was very fun. (I thought it would feel easier, though?)

Brain: Ups & downs. Moments of happiness, moments of feeling like a piece of shit. I deeply miss the confident woman I was 5 or 6 years ago.

Wednesday, August 24

Body: Got up feeling tired, woke h/s/g at 330a but not enough to get up; Clyde a jerk at 430a, dogs jerks at 530a, FUN TIMES. Body feels good. Neck is improved. Ran with two boys and they were willing to do my walk/run intervals that made it easier for me, plus it was cooler and thus fun!

Brain: Fair to good. Worked on a messy, messy set of books, and LOVED making sense of it all. Also felt guilty at the thought of quitting here anytime soon, after a new hire bolted. I will feel SO GUILTY leaving, no matter when it is. But I also spent the day badly wishing I were at NSS to take care of things there, and I guess the moral of the story is that I need a clone. A lovely run, although I greatly missed Heidi as I drove home; want her back in MN now please.

Tuesday, August 23

Body: Good. Neck went backward today and Aleve had to be taken (didn't need one yesterday). Used the leverage of a lacross ball & the wall on it before session, and that helped a lot. Session didn't bother it, and NG pulls finally hit 20 so I can do weighted instead, and drop the quantity (less mental pressure). After work, went for my "new Tuesday usual" of 30 minutes at Woodland, and moved up to 5-minute run intervals; I got to run with Tim (Timothy?) and it went by pretty quickly despite the heat. Enjoyable, like running is SUPPOSED to be. 

Brain: Good. Had a small amount of anxiety before work but it went away quickly. Frustrated at some of what I did today, felt like I was in a mode of managing people, as I scrutinized & followed up missing data and questioned a lot and I DON'T like doing that, but it was the kind of thing that had to get done because I haven't yet found the perfect software that would automatically do it for us. IF ONLY. On the bright side I dragged along a couple little projects that would lag without me, and that gave me a boost. Brainstormed the upcoming Challenge with Dawn and am gratified we are on the same page.

Got Chief all to myself in my session for the first time since I don't even know when, and naturally I didn't need the high level of therapy today that I have been desperate for lately; told him about the 50k in short sentences, didn't go on & on, but I didn't HAVE TO because one little reference to Boston told him everything he needed to know, and I love that history, as it means I don't have to explain the shit out of myself. He got it, instantly. Everyone else, I have to get into my mental battles, and I'd just rather not. But then again, don't I want to help Defeat the Stigma? Had a set of texts from a friend who was very supportive and conveyed that a spouse has depression & anxiety battles so that was helpful; the more people talk about it, the less shameful it gets.

Met Lisa's new puppy Milo who is SUPER CUTE and sweet and I told Mac she should bring her new best friend over to meet my best friend. Love meeting new dogs! Run with Tim while feeling good was HUGE, and it was refreshing to have someone new to chitchat with. Afterward we stood around talking for probably just as long as our run, about Superior and my crewing secrets and his breakfast-place secrets. Fun! At home, studying with a Clyde in my lap. Cert is this weekend, and I'm looking forward to getting it out of the way.

Monday, August 22

Body: Sleep wasn't great thanks to the too-big supper; even found myself eating less than normal today. Some soreness in legs & glutes & low back from yesterday's workout. The combo of heat, not much time, and 2 speedsters as running buddies kept me home; I did sprints instead.

Brain: Decent. An easy day at DBB, some work without pending deadlines, chitchat, fun times. Took the practice test and barely passed, but given the upcoming class itself, I think I'm where I can expect to be. Came home and made the easy exercise choice, then had a good amount of time to study further. I'm finding a lot of issues with the info; there is so very little that feels helpful to actual real-life PT situations, but NSS is a lot different than most gyms, so that's part of it. Still, all I have to do is pass, so I can cross the T's and dot the I's, and then move on to REAL learning. Parents delivered camper and the friend PAID us for using it! Hey, new revenue stream!

Sunday, August 21

Body: Woke up with tight neck still/again. Took Aleve today and it helped much more than yesterday's ibuprofen, but it was still there & bothersome. In workout I was careful to avoid anything that angered it, but I didn't hesitate to work everything around it. Lifts all felt like a fun experiment, and my emotions did not take over when, for example, bench was hard (of course it would be, I haven't done it in a month!) or even when deadlifts felt good (a relief, but still: no need to let that make me ecstatic). Rest of the day was pretty much all sitting, and only in Dad's truck was the neck a bit problematic. Had to take one of Hop's allergy pills this morning, 'tis the season I guess?

Brain: Very good. Without the 50k on the calendar, talked to the hubs about what we might do those newly-freed weekends to spend time together. Today I realized this would be the first fall in (5? 6?) years that he would be around, so I'm extra super grateful I will not be spending my Saturdays off on trails & then recovering in bed, being selfish (and possibly miserable).

I finished re-reading Furiously Happy today and it was the perfect time for me to revisit it, thanks to Chief for prompting that. Her message about each of us having different capabilities to handle life were what I really needed to hear; I may have many friends who can run 50ks (or redonkulously farther), but that doesn't automatically mean I should be able to as well. If I can't, I can't, and that's just fine. A goal that becomes a burden should probably be set aside, definitely so if it doesn't impact anyone else anyway. Did I learn nothing from my misery over Boston? "No more races" is something I should've stuck with. Lesson relearned.

I spent something like 2.5 hours brunching with my BB, catching up on her life, and it was wonderful, and the length is evidence that it should must happen more often. Another area to which my energy should be reallocated more fiercely.

Supper with the parents & bro & new girlfriend: a fun outing that I had been kinda dreading, since it meant a trip to St Cloud. But, when we made a side stop at Fleet, I got me some new dumbbells: 40 lbs, baby!

Saturday, August 20

Body: Slept poorly; took ages to fall asleep (I usually fall asleep within 5 minutes), and felt like I tossed & turned. Woke up with a locked-up neck muscle on left side; not the exact spot that has sometimes freaked out from lifting, but quite close. I don't understand how/why that would've happened. GLSP-ing hit my A goal of finding my bliss, but also my B goal of deciding to DNS. Showered & napped (2.5 hours) when I got home from that. Neck still tight (ibuprofen doing nothing whatsoever) and bothersome all day long. 

Brain: As I was out enjoying nature, I thought a LOT about running; why I do it, what it does for me, what it used to do for me, what it has done to me in the past - and what it is doing to me now.

I dislike the overtake of my life required to log the training for this 50k. I wish I could take Hank with me on more runs; I wish the hubs could join me at a new park and fish with Lexi while Hank & I explore. Looking at the long runs on my calendar has been making me wince. Running being hard has left me stressed. 

I recently realized that I have been battling depression for the past 5 or so years, which coincides with the year after my BQ marathon when I began to experience DNFs and DNSs. Correlation is not causation, but since then, too often running has been "one more failure" that gives depression something to lie to me about. I avoided a lot of that last year by volunteering instead of racing, entirely avoiding the pressure of performance and possibility of failure.

The best running I had since that all began, was winter 2014-2015, when running was playful, fun, social time, with no set achievements required, and running did what it was supposed to do: it made my life better. Before the depression battles, that's what running was, too.

I aim to find that again. For now the only "goal" is the Train & Stay, which I can be ready for with regular outings after work - I'll recruit Ann, and brink Hank on my "long" runs, and before long I should even be able to run with my speedsters at LCSP, since I won't need to worry about going far. That sounds lovely. Fun. Fulfilling. Like hobbies are SUPPOSED TO BE.

Friday, August 19

Body: Felt good. Lower back not quite as tight as yesterday, but still there. Upper back tight from yesterday's workout, I presume. Good energy, but getting anxious about tomorrow's long run. Stocked up on carbs via potato chips and went to bed early after a quiet, relaxing night.

Brain: Fair. Mostly normal and myself, but had the occasional low moment of comparison and paranoia and sadness, so I drew a heart on my left hand. This worked well on Wednesday; when I see it, I remind myself that depression lies, and I should listen to the voices of love instead. When my mind races down dark alleys of being ashamed, or not good enough, or less than someone else, I make myself look at the heart and think about what someone who loves me would say. Or I simply tell myself that I am loved and worthy of that love. Because sometimes it's really hard to remember, when the CIV is loud and insistent.

Enjoyed lunch with Emma, who is 14 and suddenly very grown up, and her little sister's face is changing, and the brief time I spent with them was wonderful and I can't believe it feels like a burden to find time for them. I love those peeps and I need more time with them. I need to reallocate my energy to include more of my people.

For tomorrow's long run, I turned down an invite to join GP at SJU, plus there is a ROUS meet-up at LCSP that I long to join, but am going to avoid. It won't help me to show up with my runner friends and pretend I'm a runner and hit early burnout and feel sad, nor will it help to stay slow and watch them jet off and leave me behind and sad. I need to go do this on my own, audiobook for support at most, and let my own brain either recover running on its own, or not. I'm fondly remembering the GLSP outing that refilled me a month after the TS layoff left me brittle, and I'm hoping for the same kind of revival this time, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

Thursday, August 18

Body: Lower back tight, rest of body pretty good. Session was fun. Even had energy to run easy Woodland trails as planned; that went okay, but the real win is that I actually did it.

Brain: SO MUCH BETTER. Like, already normal, I think. I hit rock bottom and was normal again within two days? I don't understand how that happened. I was busy (though not overwhelmed) with work all morning, had fun in the session, may have recruited a running buddy, had fun & silliness all afternoon, kinda enjoyed the run, got into some FB silliness, saw the parents, played fetch with the pooches, and still had a tiny bit of reading time. Also lined up lunch tomorrow with Emmers, brunch Sunday with my BB, supper Sunday with the parents, lunch next Friday with Timmy (who today texted me pics of her new-pooch-to-be), and just had a really good day. Stellar, even. Again I don't understand the quick turnaround, but I'm so deeply grateful, I don't even have words. I truly enjoy getting to be myself.

Wednesday, August 17

Body: Went to bed at 830p, with two Benadryl, hoping sleep would fix my mental state. Wide awake tossing & turning at 1130p, got up for water; dogs woke me at 5a, let them out, went back to bed; let them back in; hubs got up at 6a and I still couldn't wake up enough to get up. He came in to say goodbye and I finally got up at 630a, a time I am normally leaving the house. Wished desperately I could stay home today. At lunch in the park, I climbed ALMOST to the top of the pole; halfway up I figured out a rest technique, so that should get me all the way next time. YES! Went LCSP-ing and it went a lot better than it has been going (still run/walk), even without an audiobook. Still not as good as I want it to feel, but it's progress.

Brain: Sleep helped a little bit, but only a little. Morning was rough, but the day got better as I went. LCSP-ing was, for once, helpful for the brain. At home I was much better, even managed to NOT burst into tears when the hubs watched my pole-climbing video and said, "I used to be able to do that in like 3 seconds when I was little." I heard this as a shutdown of my accomplishment, and it fucking sucked. Still, I wasn't as brittle as yesterday, and felt okay most of the night. Only cried in the shower, I think.

Tuesday, August 16

Body: Fine. Session was fine. Still not enjoying it, just not finding any satisfaction in it. Played with rope climbing after work and it won't be too hard, but I wasn't eager to do it, fearing the challenge. And then I watched Paige go right up to the ceiling like it was nothing, and she hasn't been practicing toward it for months, and that made me feel shitty. Had packed running gear but couldn't make myself do it. Too much else to do, hot, depressed.

Brain: First thing I learned at work is that I sent out a stupid-error email to every person on our mailing list, a super obvious "how did that even happen" kind of error. And Dustin had to fix it because it was 6am. Naturally I beat the mental shit out of myself because how was I so dumb? I wasn't capable of handling that error today. I came in feeling terrible already, and this made it completely awful. 

Very depressed. Like it's February all over again. Just BOOM today, at my absolute worst. Crying when I was alone, almost crying even when I wasn't. Two people who said I seemed tired, low energy - note to self, never say that to people. Wrote messages to myself. Tried to shut off my thoughts. Nothing worked for long. Couldn't talk to the hubs; when I've tried in the past I've been bitterly disappointed by his lame useless reactions. Could've talked to Paige but after the rope climb thing I just couldn't. Couldn't tell Chief; I can't dump on him anymore, I just can't. Feeling the loss of Heidi like a goddamn limb. Feeling so isolated, yet so resistant to reaching out to anyone. 

Looked up counseling places in Alex but I am struggling with the idea of asking for help because what the fuck is even wrong with me and my life? And medication side effects terrify me more than feeling like this, and I have always gotten over it in the past. Yet in the past I could blame winter and tax season, or an eating disorder, and I don't have that now. Am thinking it's the stress of the PT cert that feels cheap and shameful, and poor sleep, and terrible running with a daunting 50k coming, and wanting a job overhaul, and loneliness, all of that wearing me down. 

Very close to giving up the 50k so I can regain my sanity. I'll give it this weekend yet. If Saturday's run goes badly, I'm out. Fuck it, it doesn't matter. 

At home, sat outside for a long time in the silence, ate and studied and felt very very alone. And useless.

Monday, August 15

Body: Feet ached in morning, and low back a bit tight all day. Went LCSPing solo, with an "easy" plan of run 4, walk 1; brought the audiobook & needed it halfway-ish. Running hills was easier than I expected, but my running pace was VERY slow to accommodate. Still too hard for as short as it was. It was a cool 62F, but it was very humid and my lungs struggled. I am very close to giving up on the 50k and striving merely to enjoy running again, being ready for the Train & Stay only.

Brain: Meh. Not excited for the work week, but not as low as I've been recently. I am astounded at the date: mid-August, really? This summer has gone by quickly, and too much of it has been spent being sadfaced. Lame. Running was a disappointment. Brain is not doing well. AGAIN.

Sunday, August 14

Body: Woke earlier than yesterday, but still slept fairly decent. Took a nap at home, not really sleepy, but it's what the rest of the family was doing, so I did, too. Had basically no motivation after that. Lift? Bah. Run? Bah. Forced myself to do the bare minimum: 10 sprints.

Brain: Another morning with coffee & books & Hanky & quiet. Finished my PT cert book reading, now I have to do a bunch of workbook and online module stuff to learn the few things covered on the test. I kind of hate this, because I am learning to pass a test & get a piece of paper, but I want to ACTUALLY learn this stuff, too, but that takes practice, which I won't have for an unknown while. Email from Chief shows he must have seen his added Cart items from Friday, but he didn't say anything about it. I wish I had seen his reaction! Thought about telling him & making him look on Friday, but that seemed lame. In lieu of morning hike, we basically packed up & left to get home, so hubs could get skidloader fetched & gravel spread. Got my usual chores got knocked out, except food prep. I would've needed to go grocery shopping, but couldn't bring myself to do it, nor care. I'll hate myself for this within 24 hours, I'm sure. Tired. Wishing tomorrow wasn't Monday.

Saturday, August 13

Body: Damn good sleep, including snuggles with Hanky. After breakfast he & I went trail-running, though lots of walking was involved: 2 hours to go 8 miles. Some of that was extended lake breaks for him, or potty break or food break for me, but we sure did do a lot of walking. I didn't hit a wall, quite, but it was work. Napped after lunch & a shower, got up feeling poorly; tight back, mostly. Planned a hike later on with hubs & both dogs, nothing big (I was tired), but we got stormed out. After waiting it out, Hop & Lexi went fishing, and Hank & I rode with them to the lake, then walked back. Perhaps 1/3 mile, not even worth logging. Saw a deer though!

Brain: The incredibly obnoxious campers with dogs who bark at everything made me want to kill them last night, but it was quiet in the morning. Enjoyed coffee & reading & snuggles before I was forced to wake up the hubs and make breakfast. Escape to the woods, while work, was good for the brain. No people is exactly what I needed. Napping, too. I finished 3 books today, including reading one in FULL, start to finish. Three separate storms rolled through in the evening; we should start taking our vacations in drought-ridden areas and collect a fee when we bring our inevitable vacation rain. Again obnoxious jerks made the campfire suck, and sleep suck: I would rather have been at home.

Friday, August 12

Body: Very sore quads, all else pretty normal. Energy all good. Short unplanned hike in eve at state park.

Brain: Fabulous workday. Tons accomplished. Lunched with Holea and it felt much like it always did, helped erase the previous terrible lunch before she left. Still, when she asked what was new, I had nothing to say. Nothing feels worth anyone else's time. Silliness in afternoon putting some strange objects into Chief's Amazon cart. If I had unlimited funds, what DELIGHT could be had in shipping weird shit to my people! If only. Left a touch early to get to camping. Lovely park, but stupidly loud neighbors. Lexi seemed scared of everything. Good hubs time, though.

Thursday, August 11

Body: Decent; hamstrings finally normal, but quads a bit sore from sprinting, and glutes sore as well. Session was okay but disappointing.

Brain: Started out very good: Chief back! Got some good stories of his trip and some good work done. Session left me oddly deflated, and I went into staff meeting feeling sad and weird. I think I figured out what's happening: I'm not getting any real Chief attention during my session. Once upon a time I had nothing but his attention, because it was one on one. Now, with two other people in the same session, and distractions everywhere for him (not just upon return from vacation), it's not remotely like it used to be. And for the past two years I've tried very hard to avoid dumping on him, but I had my trail therapy to make that okay. I no longer have that. I no longer have any of that. No wonder I feel so lonely. I so thoroughly looked forward to his return, and it came up short. Very short. Forced brain to set it aside and focus on vacation: much to do to pack the camper and prepare food plans.

Wednesday, August 10

Body: Bad sleep; Hank started trying to wake us up at 4a because thunderstorms are scary. Kept snoozing in/out until 530a, got up feeling fairly rotten. (And then the jerkface dog wouldn't go outside in the rain!) Energy was good all day. Made plans to meet Brett for LCSP-ing, but radar looked very bad. Changed plans to Woodland trails; downpour began and he was still working. Went home and did sprints...finished up in the rain.

Brain: Somehow fairly good, despite a bad morning: poor sleep, overflowing coffeemaker, a missing library book. A silly hubs convo perhaps helped keep me from feeling pitiful. Breezed through a co-op tax return, had lunch with the parents (and I bought finally), afternoon went by quickly and I had the promise of a trail date. Even though that fell through, doing sprints still felt like a success.

Tuesday, August 9

Body: Finally feeling pretty good, in terms of hamstring, etc. Still no running aches, which is lovely. Session was sweaty again, and I want to go back to my restful powerlifting days. Sigh. Had planned to run tonight, but it was 90+. I was going to do intervals, my new backup plan on hot days, but cleared it with hubs that this weekend (camping) I'll have time to run so he can have time to fish. Perfect, I don't need to run in this rotten heat!

Brain: Good. Busy busy day at NSS, taking on a lot of Other Chief's marketing things while he's gone. A little amazed at how much is coming up in the next couple of months - and also how damn good we are at planning ahead for things! Good amount of silliness texting with Chief on trip home; looking forward to seeing him and hearing all about his awesome trip. Quiet time in eve at home while hubs mowed - after plotting out camping grocery lists. Camping is actually a lot of damned work, yo.

Monday, August 8

Body: Still some sore hamstrings. Feet are not aching like I thought they might after tougher Andes trails. Slept like a champ, and got up feeling well-rested, but energy tanked pretty hard by 11a or so. Not sure why; stuffed in carbs & hoped for the best. By 230p, felt sleepy & nappy...more carbz. Went to LCSP anyway. Listened to my audiobook the entire time, and still struggled majorly. Like, exhausted "running is dumb why am I doing a 50k" akin to Boston training thoughts. Ugh.

Brain: Taxy day, more co-op tax returns, but simpler ones that didn't leave me feeling sooper stoopid. Confirmation FINALLY (after 6 weeks unsure) that we really truly do have health insurance coverage. WHEW! Visit to papa to do his books. Some FB silliness. Time in the woods was nice, even if it was a bit sad-making. Still had a bit of time for reading with cuddly pets.

Sunday, August 7

Body: Dogs woke me up at 6a still feeling very tired; tried to go back to sleep, couldn't, gave up. Energy lower than normal, slight aches in lower legs, but certainly not bad after yesterday's run. Lifted in the basement, and it was harder than I thought it would be; ran out of steam and cancelled the conditioning component. Napped, and got up feeling worse, with no interest in running. Found a little motivation later in the afternoon to at least circle the yard in W/R intervals. Considered proper sprints, but the hammies made me take it easy.

Brain: Bit tired but mostly capable. Many chores done, camper readying begun, decent amount of reading and coffeeing. One dose of awful when my cats went into battle, but after that they got along fine. Like drunks in a bar but I am the cop who is supposed to break it up, somehow. Hubs time, including a chefly grilled supper of T-bones. Becoming a Sunday tradition!

Saturday, August 6

Body: SORE hamstrings. Made the run not so good at all. Started out good, then fell apart around 9 miles or so, and I only wanted to walk, was hard to make myself run steadily. BK for 2h42m then I tacked on another 16 minutes (2 short) with a couple of brutal ski hill climbs. My goal was 15 miles or 3 hours; 2 minutes short, I'll call it good enough. I sure do wish it had been closer to 15, but the body felt decent enough the rest of the day that I might be able to run again tomorrow night with Hanky. Rest of the day spent being lazy, although wishing I could nap.

Brain: Got up so stupidly early (3:45a!) and had an OKAY run (might have been very bad without BK). Woods were beautiful and deer and turkeys were seen and caught up with BK's life. Spent the next chunk of the day with the hubs; had a family reunion full of fun chitchat and silly little ones and multiple pictures. Then hubs went out on his Harley and I got the night to myself, with books, a movie, and snuggle-some pets. Lovely!

Friday, August 5

Body: Legs are pretty sore. Right forearm is back to normal. Good energy. Used the rower for one minute to warm up, low back didn't like it.

Brain: Very good. Work accomplished, good projects moving forward. Silliness with both Chiefs. GP ringing the bell so hard she broke it. Coffee run. Played a couple games with Katelynn to test some theories. Lunched with Shannon, super super lovely and far too long since last time. House to myself as hubs went cruising on the bike. Book #71 of 2016 finished. Study time on a beautiful night. 

Thursday, August 4

Body: Sore from Tuesday yet. Vaguest of aches in left foot, which surprised me when I realized I had nothing there after Saturday. Could be the shoes. Session was fine, much like Tuesday, but with a small dose of heavy (presses) retained. Stupid wimpy lady hands require a lot of rest between rope pulls which meant no Prowler time at the end. Will ask Chief to figure out a way around that.

Brain: NSS day but no Chief: boo. Fetched him a sweet find from the book sale first thing in the morning, and was rewarded with a bonus workout, carrying 10 hardcover books for 4 blocks. Kids books that I wish I could read before letting him have them! Was busy at work, got a new mini-project, progressed a LOT on another, asked a brave "for me" of Other Chief, enjoyed much silliness in the afternoon. Went back to the book sale (third visit!) and got a big ol' lot of hardcover classics (more bonus workout) to share with Dustin, if he wants them. I just don't want to keep them, so sick of the clutter in my house. Beautiful eve, fetch, outside reading, not enough energy to add a quickie and being cautious due to Saturday's planned 15-er.

Wednesday, August 3

Body: Solid sleep. Shoulder again a PITA overnight, tight in morning, but improved throughout the day. Both forearms & hands are strongly achey (right significantly more so) and lower body and lower back are both tight from yesterday's lifting. Legs were not excited about a run, although they came around some as miles went on - but the heat took me DOWN. I do not like heat, I can't power through it, it makes me feel terrible. Oh, well. I think if I encounter that kind of heat again on a running night, I'll switch to sprints or hill repeats, something with a lot of rest to prevent overheating.

Brain: Solid sleep is making a huge difference, as it always does. Still, not feeling interested in having a taxy day. This place is, I would say, full of cats, and I want to be around dogs. But I am coming to accept that it will probably be another year before I can be at NSS, and so I'm mentally preparing myself to last at least that long. If I have to, I will. BOOK SALE included a sweet find: a copy of Main Street from 1922! For FIVE BUCKS! Wish my run had gone better, but whatevs.

Tuesday, August 2

Body: Shoulder again cranky in morning, better as the day went along. Not an issue in session, but the new program sure was! Very sweaty, and I am pretty sure I'll have Popeye forearms by tomorrow. Especially since I also went home and did 100 swings with my new toy. I hope to have the energy to keep sprinkling in quickies, but I won't beat myself up if I don't.

Brain: Another day without Chief: sad times. Still, was kept busy with month-end things at NSS, and catching up from Other Chief's return after a week off, and so the day flew on past. Was able to knock out a few errands AND get a bonus quickie workout AND have hubs time AND fetch time AND reading time: a very good evening.

Monday, August 1

Body: Sleep was poor thanks to the left shoulder going backward. It was decent yesterday but lifting must have aggravated it, for it was quite bad again this morning. Improved some by end of day, so that I could squeeze in some quick movement while killing time at NSS before the Relay meeting. Had held out tiny hope I might see Chief but he was already gone.

Brain: Fair. Until I got a VM from my beloved Heidi and I just about fell apart, hearing her voice and hearing that she misses me/us. God, why did that precious girl have to move so fucking far away? Immediate tears. And ongoing. Rough. Improved by texts from BK who says he will run with me this weekend, all 15 miles. What?! What a wonderful turnaround from my sad-lonely-runner state of last week! And I should have DQ to LCSP with on Wednesday night. Fabulousness!

Went to the final Relay meeting of the year and grew extremely annoyed with the drawn-out tangents and slow pace and monopolizing people and I just wanted GONE. Also I'm saddened by the total lack of recognition for individual fundraisers. Not that I need it to do what I do, but SOME acknowledgement would be lovely, and more importantly, maybe if they recognized us for our efforts, the rest of the people might get off the total team-driven focus and gather funds on their own as well - pretty sure we could raise even more with even more conversations.  

Sunday, July 31

Body: Slept well, then poorly, then went back to bed after letting out the dogs. Still wanted a nap by 2pm, but I had to GSD instead. Lifted in the basement, after looking over my upcoming program so I could incorporate similar stuff at home. Was fun, very different, more like what I used to do back in the day; enjoyable in its own way. If it helps the running, I will be okay with the change. If it doesn't, I'm going to cry over my missing bench & deadlifts. In the afternoon I realized I wouldn't be able to run tomorrow as I should, and I felt so good besides, that I decided to go LCSPing today with Hanky. Kept it short & easy, and the body responded well. Like, it was actually fun!

Brain: Fair. Still feeling oddly down, so I have been telling myself to "be a dog" and not "be a cat." Cats are so reserved, aloof, too cool for school, cuddly only with a select few. While those select few may love them, the rest of the world is kind of annoyed by their coldness. Dogs, meanwhile, love everyone, find delight in every minute, and embrace change. I need to be more like that. I fucking LOVE people like that. I've had timeframes where I felt like a dog, and I want to feel that way again. I am so very tired of being a cat.

Finished another book this morning, on the deck, accompanied by chirping birds and snoozing pets: amazingly perfect. Fun lifting session. Chores. Hubs home (didn't see him for even a second yesterday). Had a fun outing with Hanky. Chef hubs grilled up a feast. A bucket-refilling day after all.