Tuesday, July 12

Body: Feeling surprisingly good. Session went fine: things felt much better than they have in ages, although I'm still extremely frustrated with where I am, because I don't understand the setback at all.

Brain: Started out okay. Busy morning of catching up on Friday's unfinished tasks. Then my quarterly review, the first time we've broached the FT topic in 8 weeks, and it seems the problem really is my price. Although it wasn't stated as such, it was properly couched in terms of making an intelligent business decision once things settle in a few months, which is something I am in full support of because its long-term success is vital to my own - but it left me jumping to the conclusion that if I were cheaper, this would be a done deal. Therefore I once again returned to feeling deeply ashamed of my price. I need a cheaper lifestyle so I can work my dream job. Shame, shame, shame.

I was asked if I wanted to coach the next TT and my "yes" came out strangled and Mike even questioned a second time, and I couldn't explain why because I would have started crying. I had turned into an insecure junior high girl. I had thought it was an obvious thing that I would coach, so when he asked I immediately thought, "Oh, it's not a given that it will be me, maybe he has someone better to ask," rather than what it more likely was, which was "Oh, he wants to make sure I want it, what a nice boss man."

I am incapable of asking for what I want because I am incapable of believing I deserve it. Or anything. I am worthless, in my mind. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am getting worse, not better, as I age. This is tax-season-levels of depression inching back in, and I have got to shut it down. I can't battle that again already. I'm not strong enough.

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