Thursday, July 28

Body: Poor sleep again. Woke often, h/s/g, tossed & turned, didn't get up. Still some aches from Tuesday lifting but nothing from running last night. Session was okay; nothing stellar, nothing poor.

Brain: Okay. Saw Dustin for the first time in two weeks, introduced myself and shook his hand. Silliness much of the day, including my much-repeated joke about a swollen deer-fly bite (pointing to my bicep). Told Chief to change everything in my program except pull-ups and presses: pretend I'm training for a 50k and not trying to be a powerlifter. He indicated I could keep deadlifts and I hesitated, but I finally told him to drop them, too. I need to "not fail" anymore, and hitting lower numbers is failure for me, even though I know better. I need some confidence that I can carry over to running. Besides, it'll probably be good for my body to change direction for a while. (But I don't want to!)

We talked about what made the last 50k go well, and the answer was lots of running because lots of running buddies. And then I nearly started to cry. Muthafuck, do I miss my peeps. But I still have DQ, and Brett & Henrik are probably doing WD, and there's new Dan and Sam and perhaps Julie and Michelle and Jeanne and Deb...if I can get back to a point where I'm a steady runner again, then I can recruit buddies. Right now I'm still finding my base and I can't be pushed, but a week or two should be enough to be able to recruit buddies again. I hope. I need.

And I can't believe Chief is gone for two weeks again. It pulled me down in the afternoon despite celebrating my one-year anniversary w/ free Trav's, and being the uproar in the meeting. I'm pre-sad at no Chief and feeling similar to pre-vacation loneliness and full of self-doubt as I listened to the coaching things they talked about in the meeting. Just no way I can be that good.

Instead of looking at it like I'm always an "other" everywhere I go (part time at both jobs, only fit person at one, only non-trainer at another, only lifter among runners, only runner among lifters, etc), I told myself to be grateful that I am allowed into each of these tribes, despite being an other. Be delighted that I can hang with coaches even though I'm not one of them, be delighted I have running buddies despite my barbell addiction, and the like. It's a much better mindset, but it's hard to reach for that after all this time.

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