Saturday, July 30

Body: Sleep was much better than past few nights, and body felt fairly good in the morning. Tackled a double-digit run (first of the year, I think?) and it went rather well, thankfully. Tiny bit of hiking in afternoon, perhaps a mile, but mostly laziness in a gazebo. Initial movements felt poorly, like tight hips & aching feet getting out of the car, but at the end of the day I wasn't feeling sore at all: incredible!

Brain: The long run going well was an enormous mental win. Seeing Greg was a wonderful surprise and helped my run hugely. Had a lovely time with J & A all afternoon, kicked back in a hammocky chair in a gazebo on a gorgeous day, then a bit of hiking (mosquitoes were positively overwhelming, so way too short), then more gazebo-ing, then we went out for supper at a fun new find that had an outdoor patio to continue enjoying the beautiful day. Some sadness at my inability to eat normal or enjoy alcohol or participate in the many conversations about kids, but it is what it is. I sure do miss those girls being in my daily life.

Friday, July 29

Body: Fairly good. Tired as shit, though, as I woke often, and the pets were jerks early. Strained left trap/upper back area again yesterday during session, and it was awful overnight. I wanted to cry as I realized it was time to get up. Took ibuprofen immediately in the morning. Stayed annoying all day, but not nearly so sharp as initially, or overnight. Energy level during the day didn't crash, but was never good.

Brain: Down, thanks to the terrible sleep. And thinking too much about my loneliness, particularly Chief's pending absence. At least Other Chief is back next week, perhaps that will help my brain state. In eve, visited in-laws with the dogs, lots of silliness amongst them & kiddos. But ready for bed early, could've crawled in at 8pm.

Thursday, July 28

Body: Poor sleep again. Woke often, h/s/g, tossed & turned, didn't get up. Still some aches from Tuesday lifting but nothing from running last night. Session was okay; nothing stellar, nothing poor.

Brain: Okay. Saw Dustin for the first time in two weeks, introduced myself and shook his hand. Silliness much of the day, including my much-repeated joke about a swollen deer-fly bite (pointing to my bicep). Told Chief to change everything in my program except pull-ups and presses: pretend I'm training for a 50k and not trying to be a powerlifter. He indicated I could keep deadlifts and I hesitated, but I finally told him to drop them, too. I need to "not fail" anymore, and hitting lower numbers is failure for me, even though I know better. I need some confidence that I can carry over to running. Besides, it'll probably be good for my body to change direction for a while. (But I don't want to!)

We talked about what made the last 50k go well, and the answer was lots of running because lots of running buddies. And then I nearly started to cry. Muthafuck, do I miss my peeps. But I still have DQ, and Brett & Henrik are probably doing WD, and there's new Dan and Sam and perhaps Julie and Michelle and Jeanne and Deb...if I can get back to a point where I'm a steady runner again, then I can recruit buddies. Right now I'm still finding my base and I can't be pushed, but a week or two should be enough to be able to recruit buddies again. I hope. I need.

And I can't believe Chief is gone for two weeks again. It pulled me down in the afternoon despite celebrating my one-year anniversary w/ free Trav's, and being the uproar in the meeting. I'm pre-sad at no Chief and feeling similar to pre-vacation loneliness and full of self-doubt as I listened to the coaching things they talked about in the meeting. Just no way I can be that good.

Instead of looking at it like I'm always an "other" everywhere I go (part time at both jobs, only fit person at one, only non-trainer at another, only lifter among runners, only runner among lifters, etc), I told myself to be grateful that I am allowed into each of these tribes, despite being an other. Be delighted that I can hang with coaches even though I'm not one of them, be delighted I have running buddies despite my barbell addiction, and the like. It's a much better mindset, but it's hard to reach for that after all this time.

Wednesday, July 27

Body: Pets were noisy early again, but I fell back and got up well-rested. Felt some aches from Tuesdays, but better than I did after the weekend lifting. Ran solo (avoided any chance of running buddies by using different lot and very different route) with the audiobook, walked early/often, and was able to enjoy it. Probably was key to have the book and prevent any real thinking.

Brain: Good thanks to extra sleep. Busy taxy day, went by quickly. Having much better days there than before vacation. Happiness on a decent run, which included a lengthy deer encounter that completely made my week. Silly Chief talk. Silly doggies.

Tuesday, July 26

Body: Pretty good thanks to the rest day. Session was just about where it was two weeks ago, but if running doesn't go well tomorrow & Saturday, then I'll ask Dustin to change pretty much everything. (Except pull-ups; never skip pull-ups!)

Brain: Excellent/busy day catching up at NSS. No Chiefs, but had a brief exchange of silly texts that reminded me why I love them. Was wonderful to be back! Eve blood donation + library visit = happy girl. 

Monday, July 25

Body: Still achey from both lifting and running. Planned rest day. 

Brain: Decent. Got shit DONE today and even did some NSS work that involved moving my & Lisa's training tomorrow so that we are together!

Sunday, July 24

Body: Terrible night of sleep; took ages to fall asleep, woke early to rotten pets. Had to do a run; didn't have to be long since it was an unplanned bonu, so I decided to make it an easy LCSP outing, just go do the usual lap and see what happens. I had to tell myself a bajillion times that I couldn't quit early, just needed to finish, go slow & walk plenty if that's what I needed. It was. I need to get regular runs in again or this is never going to work. But running is so hard now that I don't even want to do it. Post-nap, the body felt pretty terrible. Ached everywhere as though I had done 20 miles.

Brain: Low from the run. Did my best to set it aside and get chores done, studying in, fluff books read. Part of the running difficulty is I miss my people. I am telling myself that running continues to lead me to new people, I don't have to quit as though I'll never find more. But it's hard. Very, very hard. This 50k may not happen. Or I may need to tell Dustin to completely change my program away from powerlifting so I can prioritize running...not like lifting is going well anyway.

Saturday, July 23

Body: Got up early to run, and it was like a sauna, so I swapped days & lifted instead. Didn't go well; everything was heavy.

Brain: So glad we have enough time to readjust to normal life. Got a nap in, got some cleaning done, got some reading done, watched a movie together.

July 16-22, Vacation Week

Body: Held up fairly well through all the driving. Did very well with the hiking. Felt the altitude, but compared to the hubs, my recovery pauses were super short, so that gave me some confidence.
  • Short 1m walk on Sunday just to break up the drive 
  • Three short hikes on Monday at Rocky; tried to get a long one in, rain kept taking us down
  • Short dumb hike then a nice long tough hike on Tuesday at Rocky; finally, what I looked forward to for so long
  • Manitou Incline on Wednesday; harder than I expected, but probably could've chopped off a half hour without the hubs' longer rest periods - I had wanted to go back a second time the next day, solo, but logistics prevented it
  • Short easy hike on Thursday at Garden of the Gods, more about sheep spotting
The Incline day was the only day that turned out rough; we checked in early for a nap at the hotel, and I felt drained the rest of the day. It included the drive up Pike's Peak, and that made me feel nauseous besides. Rotten. I think that lingered into Thursday. We drove to some more sight-seeing and I didn't want to leave the truck; another hike sounded Herculean.

Brain: Low spots: blown tire, 2 hour delay. Two hotels double-charging us. Hubs deciding he should probably have better shoes at breakfast on Monday, further delaying our start so we could go shopping. Rain thwarting two attempted long hikes on our first day. Spontaneous concept falling apart when it meant we didn't know what we wanted to do. Struggling to find a place to eat, always, every day, three times a day. Wishing desperately I could do normal vacation eating.

High spots: petting goats while tires were replaced. No dogs or cats waking me up. Cousin Jen, family, & yurt. 3 books read and much studying accomplished. Mountains. Wildlife. No crises back home. Mountains. Finally getting to climb the Incline. Hubs willing to do whatever I wanted. Snow in July. Forgetting about real life troubles for a nice long time. Mountains. Under budget. Cobb salads, meat & potatoes, & breakfast food. Mountains. Hubs time.

Friday, July 15

Body: Mostly okay, but I do have some left hip pinch going on, like I did this winter from squats. Vague, mild, but there.

Brain: Improved, but still too raw. In need of vacation. Excited to take off in the morning!

Thursday, July 14

Body: Fairly good; some very mild bench soreness lingering (was also there yesterday). Session wasn't stellar but wasn't bad. A step up from a week ago, even after running last night (but not last Wednesday). I'll take it!

Brain: Doing better. Busy NSS day, although massively frustrating technology that tested me BIG time, silliness with coworkers, normal session with Chief, Relay recognition from the team with very nice words from Chief, more silliness, and then home sweet home. Hubs made me a burger, cats were snugglers, windows open to cool rain meant cozy fleece, dogs were goofballs. Colorado plans. I am in desperate need of a vacation. Desperate.

Wednesday, July 13

Body: Fine. Tired. Woke at about 4a and couldn't fall back. Hubs let dogs out at 430a and I still wanted to sleep but just could not. Ugh. Energy was relatively stable all day (despite boooring webinar watching). Run with DQ went better than I expected; not easy but not brutal. About where I deserve to be, I guess.

Brain: Bad, first off. Very emotional and self-hate-y. Better as I distracted myself with work. I just need to shut off my brain. (Lobotomy?) Run was good. I dare say I need a lot more nature to be non-hate-y. Baby deer and rainbows make life better.

Tuesday, July 12

Body: Feeling surprisingly good. Session went fine: things felt much better than they have in ages, although I'm still extremely frustrated with where I am, because I don't understand the setback at all.

Brain: Started out okay. Busy morning of catching up on Friday's unfinished tasks. Then my quarterly review, the first time we've broached the FT topic in 8 weeks, and it seems the problem really is my price. Although it wasn't stated as such, it was properly couched in terms of making an intelligent business decision once things settle in a few months, which is something I am in full support of because its long-term success is vital to my own - but it left me jumping to the conclusion that if I were cheaper, this would be a done deal. Therefore I once again returned to feeling deeply ashamed of my price. I need a cheaper lifestyle so I can work my dream job. Shame, shame, shame.

I was asked if I wanted to coach the next TT and my "yes" came out strangled and Mike even questioned a second time, and I couldn't explain why because I would have started crying. I had turned into an insecure junior high girl. I had thought it was an obvious thing that I would coach, so when he asked I immediately thought, "Oh, it's not a given that it will be me, maybe he has someone better to ask," rather than what it more likely was, which was "Oh, he wants to make sure I want it, what a nice boss man."

I am incapable of asking for what I want because I am incapable of believing I deserve it. Or anything. I am worthless, in my mind. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am getting worse, not better, as I age. This is tax-season-levels of depression inching back in, and I have got to shut it down. I can't battle that again already. I'm not strong enough.

Monday, July 11

Body: Feels pretty good, just a few mild sore spots. Planned on a rest day anyway, with dad's bookwork over lunch and NSS potluck after work.

Brain: Okay. Draining DBB day of co-op tax return, the ones that make me feel like a total idjit. NSS team potluck was delightful fun, just easy chitchat & stories. Perfection. 

Sunday, July 10

Body: Better than expected. Still very tight Achilles in the morning, but after going up & down the ladder a dozen times, it was much better. Soreness in quads was new. Almost too tired for a workout but I knew it would help recovery, so I did the basics, lightly, and called it good.

Brain: Okay. Still a little tired but able to get everything done without even a nap. Reading time helped, but I couldn't do study time, I just didn't feel smart enough. Hubs home. Three big silly dogs. Two pissed cats. Chores all accomplished. One week of normalcy, and then VACATION!

Saturday, July 9

Body: Went to bed around 630a after Relay. Hank needed out at 9a and OOF my ankles/feet were in pain, I had zero ankle flexion and I felt like a zombie. Back to bed until noon, at which point I felt surprisingly good. Still sleepy and tired, but the body felt a LOT better than I expected. Lazy day. 

Brain: So glad I have zero obligations this weekend. Much catching up to do in terms of reading material, and chores, and mental downtime, and some NSS work even. Took in another big dog for a week, Sam the lab who is almost as perfect as Lexi. Making Hank look bad - good thing he's still my favorite. Got in a decent amount of reading, and watched a movie when my brain began to falter. I haven't watched TV in ages, and tonight reminded me why: the movie was not even 10% as good as the book. 

Friday, July 8

Body: Fair. Left shin much improved, and at Relay it wasn't even a thing after a couple hours. Whew! Feet hurt quite a bit early on, so I swapped to cushier shoes, but the toe box was a little too cramped for happy toes. Lucky I was smart enough to wear Injinjis otherwise I definitely would've had toe-to-toe blisters. Rest of body did well: hips fine, knees fine, glutes fine, surprised there was NOTHING there. Some trap soreness from looking left for too long in the first few hours (chitchatting with Katelynn) and then too much looking down, but hey, that's trail-race training right there. Probably should've paid better attention to water/food/salt but I just kind of waited until I felt crappy and then looked at the time and realized I needed to sit down for some intake. It worked, I never got to feeling too poorly. Even clean-up wasn't quite as exhausting this year, but I was very happy to head home.

Brain: Very busy workday (scattershot would be a good term for it), so I did what had to get done, and completely set aside a Friday task to do it this weekend, because I just didn't have the attention span to get it done today. Felt the usual tiredness coming into Relay, where I've emotionally spent myself in all the donation requests, and physically BLEAH on a hot sunny afternoon, and wishing all the people would get out of my way so I could walk because that's why I'm here, although I enjoyed cruising with Katelynn & my parents. And once all of that passed and the sun went down, my brain state improved immensely. Spent a good amount of time chitchatting with Chief but not enough. I like being able to just talk with him about random shit like books or funny stories or just plain life, and not be in "student/teacher" mode all the damned him. When he left, DQ was my buddy, and then he started running again and I was solo for a while - actually enjoyable because I could walk at my exact pace and not think, just not think about anything at all - and then Chris showed up which was a nice surprise. Then Chief returned and DQ quit running and we finished up after I finally hit 26.2. Then clean-up which takes an hour but feels so much longer (and also feels so wasteful) and then home to delighted pets and a blissful bed.

Thursday, July 7

Body: Left shin still sore and low back still tight. Session went okay but everything was flat, deadlifts slow and pulls a step back. Talked some with Dustin, and I have to either come to terms with a full change-up in my programming, or give up the 50k. It's just not going to work to do both, and I knew this, but I always hope otherwise. I thought maybe just ditching my Sunday lifting would let me get away with it. And I could keep up the powerlifting if I could accept that my numbers are going to be shitty for a while, but I am too emotionally tied to my numbers, and it's too hard to accept that 225 might become steadily more difficult for three months, vs not even doing them to know, vs give up the 50k idea. Ugh, choices.

Brain: Kind of shitty because of the above angst and feeling pathetic because of it. Focused on work & Relay stuff. Half-involved in a meeting listening to Dustin coach a coach, and felt like there's no way I can ever be one-tenth as good as he is, who do I think I am, etc.

Wednesday, July 6

Body: Left shin still tight, so I took a rest day.

Acne: Big acne breakout happening and NO IDEA WHY. I ate out at Qdoba and have triple-checked their nutrition info. I ate at the in-laws and they literally thawed & grilled a special piece of pork just for me, which I ate along with some fruit & the 3-ingredient chips I brought along. I haven't had a lick of sugary nonsense. I ate a pint of AZ way last week sometime, but this is too delayed to be that. What. The. Fuck. I wish my reactions were swifter, like angry guts, because then I'd only have to think back to one single meal.

Brain: Feeling tired and a little beat down by life and the bitch inside my head. How to slay her?

Tuesday, July 5

Body: Left shin is quite sore from yesterday's near-rolls, wincing on first steps, but then it loosens up with movement. Tired; dogs needed out at 330a, then the cat wouldn't let me fall back. Lay there trying to come up with a tired/exhausted combo with furious/angry equivalent of hangry, because that would have perfectly summed up my feelings. Session was sucky; squats okay, pulls a tiny step backward, bench continues to be pathetic. I wonder if my kippy-ish pulls are pulling it down? Tired and fairly junky all day.

Brain: Tired and a bit cranky. Session that did not lift me out of it, and in fact left me wanting to cry. I desperately wish that I could be silly & giddy when I'm overtired, instead of closed & small & hateful. Small RFL event to kick off the week let me chitchat with a couple former coworkers & chase a kiddo of one. Fun, but I really needed to be at home, reading/studying/de-cranking.

Monday, July 4

Body: Just before bed last night, strained (mildly) something in my left oblique/QL area. Still a little sore & tight in that area this morning, so I was a bit apprehensive about running, with it feeling a bit similar to last fall's QL nonsense that entirely shut me down. But it wasn't a problem while running; instead my poor cardio and the heat took me down. I was doing okay, then a glorious spell of "amazing," then back to okay, then to "how soon can I bow out," then to damage control. I reached a state that should come at about mile 20 of a 50k, and I hit it at 5 miles. No es bueno. Post-run, that little side strain was cranky, as were my guts; I was exhausted and oddly pukey. I showered, downed a bunch of chips & water, then took a nap. Post-nap, still poorly, but improved after lunch. Sat basically the entire rest of the day. Side was still tight but much improved. Calves & shins better afterward than Saturday; not much there even though I had two near-rolls on left ankle at mile 2.5, and noticeably tired calves for the last 3 miles.

Brain: Initially had fun in the woods, a gloriously gorgeous morning, and I wasn't solo and relying entirely on my own brain to keep going. But that may have made me push a bit hard and fall apart. I miss BK willing to make his easy runs SUPER easy, and sweet Heidi, perfectly happy to walk & chitchat. It's hard to run with DQ because he's such a machine; it's hard to run solo because it's just so damn hard, period. It's July and my cardio sucks and I'm going to run a 50k in three months? I'm already stressing over the pace while I'm running, and have to keep reminding myself that I'm still supposed to suck, I just started running like 10 weeks ago, after 6 months off. (But, um, people don't generally try to kill a 50k 5 months after they start running, either.) While running I was thinking about whether I should back off powerlifting for the next three months. The idea makes me want to cry but perhaps it would benefit to change my program to one meant to prioritize running. But...I don't want to lose everything I built up over the winter. I don't want to be back at a total square one in November, like I was with running in May. I WANT TO DO IT ALL.

Sunday, July 3

Body: Better first off than I expected given yesterday's run and sore shins. They feel fine today! Lifting didn't go great, but was still fun. Able to approach it like an experiment. Think I finally pinpointed the wrist/forearm soreness for the past week; I had thought it was from the SA chin-up drills two weeks ago, but I now realize it's probably from the tire flips.So today I only increased reps but dropped a full set. Intend to keep the flips as my weekend deadlift substitute, because they pair so nicely with carries (which I don't otherwise do) and skipping rope (which I want for running help) in without much impact on running, and in the great outdoors besides.

Brain: Up too early but it gave me an hour plus outside with coffee, book (new library fluff book!), birds, and Hank. Happy lifting. Chores knocked out. Another day of slacking on the docket.

Saturday, July 2

Body: Went to trails at Andes. Again the body felt pretty well fantastic, at least until I hit 45 minutes. Then I took a salt tab, ate some body-temp banana, and waited for it to make a difference. It maybe did, but by that point my ankles were barking about all the effort and I decided I didn't need to hit my original mileage plan since I had at least hit the time. Of course, the time was found by stopping to take videos and pictures and watch deer and walk hills, but whatevs. I'm going back on Monday so I shouldn't overdo it anyway. My shins were sore the rest of the day, deep aches felt when pointing my toes, which is not what I expected, so it's good I didn't push for more. Lift & recover tomorrow.

Brain: Beauty at Andes set my day up for bliss. It was so peaceful and enjoyable. Two wee baby spotted fawns made my heart sing! Fun new trails where I didn't know exactly what was coming or where I was going: huge change from LCSP. Nap time. So much reading time: finished & began a new audiobook; finished a book I just got from the library this week; started our book club book; started reading the PT book and developed a study plan to actually LEARN the stuff, not just pass the test. Outside time. Laughing at pups. Watched the powerlifting meet start to fill itself up, although I do have to monitor our payment system regularly to approve some requests. Made Hop help me decorate NSS in more purple for Relay week, and then rewarded him with Qdoba.

Friday, July 1

Body: Crappy sleep started catching up to me. Body fine and energy level mostly fine, but tanked a little in the afternoon.

Brain: So much work to do: end of month, end of quarter, plus my usual Friday madness...mountains of tasks. And meanwhile everyone else is in a jolly mood for the long weekend and leaving early and chitchatting all their downtime away. So I was on edge for much of the day, wanting peace & quiet, wishing I could shut down the overwhelm & relax & chitchat too, annoyed with the world by the time I left. Also feeling disappointed in the Relay fundraising. I put so much hope and effort into this Round Up concept, and it wasn't a failure but it was about half what I thought it would/should be. And I am plumb out of energy to rouse up another "thing" to do on Relay week itself which leaves me feeling very disappointed in myself. At home, read & relaxed like it was my job. It helped.

Thursday, June 30

Body: Doing so much better. Still squat soreness, but all lifts felt good. Matched my PR on presses, maintained solid deadlifts, PR on rope pulls, feeling like things may come back around now. Ran with pooches and DQ, took a few longs rests for said pooches, but my body felt amazingly good. Like running is easy and playful and fun. It hasn't felt that good since, ohhhh, some point last year. I think it's because I'm finally getting to run at my own pace (not Couch to 5k paces), and the dog breaks allowed the cardio system to recover and be ready for more. It was a fabulous feeling.

Brain: Pretty damn good. Productive, satisfied, happy lifting, happy leaving work on time, happy trails with 8 extra paws along, happy hubs at his new job.

Wednesday, June 29

Body: Felt squats but not bench. Decent energy level, low back still a little tight but miles better than a week ago.

Brain: Busy DBB day, went by quickly especially since I got to go fix a QB issue for a client who is also a former (and still FUN) coworker. Final night of SSS which was fun times. I feel a bit like I failed to properly sell NSS but it feels weird to me. I want to crow like I always have as a client, but from a coach standpoint it sounds over the top and insincere. It definitely is the former, but it's so not the latter!