Tuesday, June 14

Body: Again awake at 330a, and Clyde kept it up every half hour thereafter until Hank tagged in at 5. Still, I was great all morning but my session found me exhausted and junky. Hot, short of breath, hungry, nauseous. Spent the afternoon on a brain-drain project and really struggled, could've napped. Asked my Couch to 5k peeps if I could skip out, they were both to be there, so I went home and curled up on the couch. Pets did not allow proper napping, but at least it was fairly quiet.

Brain: So tired exhausted. Unhappy. Sad. Drifting toward depression over Heidi leaving because she's the latest in a too-long string (Terri, Juliet, Amy, BK, Holea) and I'm struggling. Losing my people is HARD. I also feel like I've lost Dustin in a sense, as him being the boss boy now makes it uncomfortable for me to show the same level of open vulnerability; I don't want him to see me as a hot mess of a client since that makes me appear to be a shitty employee, too. And I'm stressing about finances because of the COBRA cost of hubs' current health insurance for (?unknown?) months (vs maybe buying our own), and not hearing back from the boss boys yet, which feels like personal rejection even if it's not. And so tired of tax stuff. This is not what I want to be doing so the DBB days are slugs of torture. All of my feelings are huge and raw and painful and I want them to just shut up and let me be.

I'm trying to focus on my remaining people (lunch date with Timmy Friday) that I've sort of lost again over the past 4 weeks of being too busy. Surely that will help. As will July: blessedly empty of obligations and short on work, it's going to be glorious.

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