Sunday, June 19

Body: Tired. Not brain-dead "hate the world" fatigue levels, but your basic ongoing "not enough sleep, or poor quality," and just not feeling normal. A bit unmotivated and fearing any kind of pressure, I turned my workout into playtime by doing various progressions from BRLGB so that every set was something a little different, only sometimes hard, and always fun. Rest of the day was laziness at parents' or working on LAE stuff & chores.

Brain: Okay. Bunch of reading time and a dose of morning coffee in the blissful silence of our yard. Visited the parents and felt very "other" when topics of guns, politics, etc, or TV-watching came up; I just wanted to be somewhere else with people I could understand. I didn't even tell them about the PT cert plan, because I just don't know how to talk to them sometimes, and today was one of those days. Also, one of the very first things my mother said to me was to ask me about the acne breakout on my face. For nowhere near the first time; why does she HAVE TO point out something ugly that I obviously already know about, and feel highly sensitive about? All that shit does is reinforce the fear that when others look at me, all they see is my acne - because that seems to be all that my own GD mother sees. I have no idea why she does this and I don't know how to tell her to fuck off without actually telling her to fuck off. So much for thinking it was safe to go see my own parents without makeup because I actually thought my skin was looking okay enough. Back home, I went back to LAE tasks, and I have everything done that CAN be done at this point. But really not looking forward to the chaos of messages that will come this week, and definitely not doing all of this again next year.

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