Tuesday, June 28

Body: Decent. Not awesome, not terrible. Low back better today. Squats went okay although I was having issues with where my hands/wrists were, not sure why that was suddenly a deal. Pulls hit a PR of 19. SO CLOSE TO 20. At which point I will return to perfectly strict, zero kip, and probably cut my numbers in half. Oh wellz. Bench sucked, as it's done lately. After work (I was done working at 4pm whaaaaaat) I went to Woodland's trails. It was kinda hot and buggy and I was feeling MEH about it, probably because I had no one to chat with. Who am I supposed to run with now, without my HH?

Brain: Pretty good for a Chiefless day. Trained with Paige and it was chatty, nice to catch up with her. Been too long. Had a meeting with Other Chief & Dawn to talk about changing up the fall Jeans Challenge and making it less of a fat-loss focus and more of a goal focus, which could be include fat loss but also could be strength or endurance. Dawn & I are in love with the idea, just need to flesh out logistics, and figure out how to make it catchier, sexier, a "6 weeks to flat abz" kind of draw - but a "actual results because actually realistic goals" kind of finish. It's so hard to sell the non-sexy, but once people buy it, MAN, it changes their whole damn lives. (Two thumbs & living proof, right here.) Pet project and lots of time to mull it over. (On the other side, assuming I am the one doing the team training? UGH to the timing of late September to mid-November. That's fall running season! I will insist to myself that I need different work hours if I do that, especially with a 50k smack in the middle.) In eve, hit the library, heard good news from hubs' day two, and had reading time: bliss.

Monday, June 27

Body: Almost enough sleep. Hanky pestered me at 505a. Lower back pretty tight first off; better in the afternoon after sitting a few hours for CECs.

Brain: Excited for hubs, first day at new job! Took it upon myself to be noisy to make sure he woke up on time, but it turns out his first day starts a half-hour later. Oops! Another slow day at DBB; logging multiple days of CECs is dull and draining, especially when the info applies to rich folk and I can't relate at all. For example: UTMA and UGMA have the same income, gift, and estate tax consequences. Present interest gifts to custodial accounts under UGMA or UTMA qualify for the annual gift tax exclusion. In addition, the gift removes the property from the donor's estate, as long as the donor is not also the custodian. However, keep in mind that gifting property to a minor no longer has the same income tax advantages it once had. MAKE IT STOP. SSS at NSS was of course great fun again, although I will not be sad to see it end. Want my evenings back!

Sunday, June 26

Body: Woke at usual time to let out Hank, but went back to bed because I felt awful. Got up an hour later, still had a headache. Sleep close to caught up. Probably under-hydrated yesterday. No interest in running today (which was the plan) but playing with weights and being out in the yard sounded like fun, so I did that. Napped. Was oddly not hungry for much of the day. Energy okay, but not stellar.

Brain: Tired but okay. Good chunk of time outside reading on the deck in the cool & chirpy morning - that always improves me. Lifting was fun and not hard, which is what I needed. Naptime with kittehs. All major chores done. Hubs cooked a great supper. Fired up my spendy new Vitamix and it worked like a charm; protein smoothies shall become a thing so that I can get enough calories which leads to enough sleep which leads to happiness.

Saturday, June 25

Body: Terrible night of sleep. Woke at 130a h/s/g, monkey mind, couldn't fall back but also too tired to get up and eat something. Made race notes several times, counted how often I flipped over, didn't feel like I ever fell back asleep, so at 330a I gave up and got up. Energy held up okay for the race, then I got a nap, then I was tired but not exhausted the rest of the day. Even managed to get all get aid station stuff unloaded and into the basement. Not bad!

Brain: Tired, but prepared for race day madness. It went okay, but without the hubs as my right hand, I would never have made it. I am not doing a 2-person job again next year! Still, it was a lot of fun, and my Couch to 5k people all finished, and only a few fools got themselves lost by deciding a "dead end" sign applied to them. That which was in my control went well. Post-nap I went back to town so I could get pictures uploaded and share my 5Kers, then finally pure laziness and reading with my pets. Lots to do tomorrow, but all of it can wait.

Friday, June 24

Body: Decent. Low back a bit better, must have been fixed by the deadlifts! On feet slightly longer than a usual day, due to Fun Run.

Brain: Decent. Productive, got shit done, filled in for a vacationing Dustin: fixed an iPad that appeared to be junk, wrote a blurb that is normally his gig. Then I quit early and worked on race stuff, then I even LEFT early to go set up, enjoying a silent 15 minutes or so in between to decompress. The run went well, and the ice cream for the kids was a huge hit. 

Thursday, June 23

Body: Low back again very tight all morning, improved tons after session. Session went surprisingly well considering how I've been feeling; had I come in feeling better I would even have attempted 255 deadlift, but I decided I could be satisfied with stringing together another week of 245x2 given the mental state. I also nailed a 75x2 overhead press which felt surprisingly easy, like another rep wasn't out of the question. Holy shit! Played a game of wiffleball that the boss boys won once again, very fun. Couch to 5k felt hot and bleah, but we made it short and I finished up with the "slowpokes" who I suspect will outlast everyone else in terms of keeping it in their schedules.

Brain: Bleah all morning, scattered shots at productivity. Session was a huge boost, as was team meeting. Couch to 5k was a happy send-off, thrilled to be done despite how glad I am to keep doing it. Received a bonus at NSS today and although nothing was said about FT, naturally I interpreted it as "because we can't hire you, here's something to keep you happy," and it made me want to cry. I want to tear it up and throw it at them because it's NOT ENOUGH. I don't want bonuses; I want to be there full-time, and I want to be able to afford the pay cut they need me to take, and I have to find a way to make that happen, because the lack of answer is a clear sign they can't pay what I asked for, and I miss that momentary two weeks where I felt like I had delivered all that stress to them and it was just a matter of time. Sigh. I need some extensive downtime, yo.

Wednesday, June 22

Body: Tired again; now it's Oscar waking me at 430a onward. FML. Low back tight from the very very start, so I sat all morning, and it was better in the afternoon. Sore from my sad little bench presses yesterday, nothing from squats. No lie: went to bed at 808 pm. 

Brain: So tired. Would have taken a skip day from DBB and got my CEC's from home, but I actually had appointments today. It helped to get the heck out and change things up. Not enough, though. Slogged through the afternoon then had a blast at SSS, came home feeling much better.  

Tuesday, June 21

Body: So tired. Energy okay, but DAMN my low back is badly tight. I know it's stress. Got even worse during session (which didn't go so well). Sat for most of the afternoon to relieve the back & work on an intense project, but then my left shoulder ended up cranky. Can't win. Couch to 5k was easier than I expected given the back, but once I got home my left toe tendon was extremely sore. From 3.2 miles? That's also stress.

Brain: Busy and productive day at NSS. No Chief for my session yet again. I miss him. I miss my therapy via HH or Chief; I get none at all right now and that's why my body is acting like it is. I am stretched too thin, I don't have enough time for the things/people that build me back up, so I am near to breaking. Brittle.

Monday, June 20

Body: Tired. Fucking Clyde wakes me up at 430a every GD day, and today I responded by shoving him off the bed about three times before he seemed to leave me alone. But then, just as I fall back asleep...Hank starts in by 515a. It is not sustainable. Energy stayed okay despite total brain drain on continuing education junk. Lowe back very very tight. Wanted to sit, badly. 

Brain: Tired and crank. Slogged through my DBB day, had fun at NSS SSS. Stayed late and decorated for RFL but really losing my enthusiasm for it since my coworkers seem so uninterested. 

Sunday, June 19

Body: Tired. Not brain-dead "hate the world" fatigue levels, but your basic ongoing "not enough sleep, or poor quality," and just not feeling normal. A bit unmotivated and fearing any kind of pressure, I turned my workout into playtime by doing various progressions from BRLGB so that every set was something a little different, only sometimes hard, and always fun. Rest of the day was laziness at parents' or working on LAE stuff & chores.

Brain: Okay. Bunch of reading time and a dose of morning coffee in the blissful silence of our yard. Visited the parents and felt very "other" when topics of guns, politics, etc, or TV-watching came up; I just wanted to be somewhere else with people I could understand. I didn't even tell them about the PT cert plan, because I just don't know how to talk to them sometimes, and today was one of those days. Also, one of the very first things my mother said to me was to ask me about the acne breakout on my face. For nowhere near the first time; why does she HAVE TO point out something ugly that I obviously already know about, and feel highly sensitive about? All that shit does is reinforce the fear that when others look at me, all they see is my acne - because that seems to be all that my own GD mother sees. I have no idea why she does this and I don't know how to tell her to fuck off without actually telling her to fuck off. So much for thinking it was safe to go see my own parents without makeup because I actually thought my skin was looking okay enough. Back home, I went back to LAE tasks, and I have everything done that CAN be done at this point. But really not looking forward to the chaos of messages that will come this week, and definitely not doing all of this again next year.

Saturday, June 18

Body: Tired as always, but decent enough to run normal speed rather than Coucher speed. Had planned & packed for more miles afterward, but I was just not interested in logging more mileage in such rotten humidity, so I went to work on LAE stuff. Then energy crashed, so a nap was needed, then I forced myself to take Hanky LCSPing. Since it was blazing hot, not to run, just to get time on feet. Relay is only a few weeks away and I intend to walk a marathon again, so I should just focus on time on feet at this point.

Brain: Decent. Enjoyed running "hard" for once, but frustrated that it didn't energize me for more. Tired of LAE tasks and glad it'll all be finished in a week. Made myself stay up late for some bonfire time with the hubs and fireflies, but I didn't make it past 10pm.

Friday, June 17

Body: Fairly good. Slept better. Achey from deadlifts but just the usual general fatigue. Energy was better and I didn't end the day exhausted like most Fridays lately.

Brain: Doing better. Good productivity at NSS led me to start working on a Tuesday task already: writing the final (of this year) Couch to 5k newsletter. Forgot the ear buds, so again I sought silence in the boss boy office which helped a lot. Delivery of eggs (which I then forgot at NSS, natch) and Caribou from my BB, and saw GP for the first time in aaages. Also lunched with Timmy & Mac for the first time in aaages. Next up is to reconnect with Ms Shannon. Soon, please! Reserved our August camping spot tonight, after Timmy highly praised the park. Lots of trails to be hiked there, so we'll have happy pooches again. 

Made more headway on LAE work, but am kind of dreading tomorrow's effort. I am doing two people's worth of volunteer jobs while Brett is doing oh...a dozen or so. And all proceeds go to a cause I don't really care about...so why exactly am I doing all this? 

Thursday, June 16

Body: Still choppy sleep, but quality at least. Energy improved. Was freezing & cranky right before session, but movement felt good, PRd on rope pulls, and nailed a 245x2 deadlift that felt better than in ages. For Couch to 5k I wasn't sure how the body would feel, so I elected to stay in back. Much better than expected. Thinking of going to hit Andes on Saturday, maybe with DQ.

Brain: Tiredness led to crankiness. Tried to hide in boss boys' office for a quiet hour to concentrate, and it was near-constant interruptions anyway. Made a note to bring ear buds tomorrow; I hate how closed-off they make you, but GD I just can't focus & I get so very crank, I would at least like to eliminate that. I still feel stressed about the various things, but much better able to cope today. 

Wednesday, June 15

Body: Tired. Awake in the wee hours again, though not as frequently as yesterday. Still, I COULD sleep past 6, if Hanky would let me. But he does not. Feeling squats, otherwise fine. Much better energy levels than yesterday; almost normal.

Brain: Tired. Busy morning that included getting out of DBB and to a client helped a TON. Found energy and came around to near normal, happily. Able to look at Heidi's pictures without wanting to bawl, which is a nice change. Fun at SSS once again, feeling a little sad that it's over in two weeks, but certainly looking forward to having my nights back for trails.

Tuesday, June 14

Body: Again awake at 330a, and Clyde kept it up every half hour thereafter until Hank tagged in at 5. Still, I was great all morning but my session found me exhausted and junky. Hot, short of breath, hungry, nauseous. Spent the afternoon on a brain-drain project and really struggled, could've napped. Asked my Couch to 5k peeps if I could skip out, they were both to be there, so I went home and curled up on the couch. Pets did not allow proper napping, but at least it was fairly quiet.

Brain: So tired exhausted. Unhappy. Sad. Drifting toward depression over Heidi leaving because she's the latest in a too-long string (Terri, Juliet, Amy, BK, Holea) and I'm struggling. Losing my people is HARD. I also feel like I've lost Dustin in a sense, as him being the boss boy now makes it uncomfortable for me to show the same level of open vulnerability; I don't want him to see me as a hot mess of a client since that makes me appear to be a shitty employee, too. And I'm stressing about finances because of the COBRA cost of hubs' current health insurance for (?unknown?) months (vs maybe buying our own), and not hearing back from the boss boys yet, which feels like personal rejection even if it's not. And so tired of tax stuff. This is not what I want to be doing so the DBB days are slugs of torture. All of my feelings are huge and raw and painful and I want them to just shut up and let me be.

I'm trying to focus on my remaining people (lunch date with Timmy Friday) that I've sort of lost again over the past 4 weeks of being too busy. Surely that will help. As will July: blessedly empty of obligations and short on work, it's going to be glorious.

Monday, June 13

Body: Good, though sleep trashed by the cats at 4a (also h/s/g) and dogs at 5a. Jerkfaces. Tight low back, but other than that, things feel good.

Brain: Good, though today Heidi is officially off to CA. Sadfaces. Busy workday at DBB, many little tasks to accomplish. SSS was quite fun. 

Sunday, June 12

Body: Surprisingly good given yesterday's miles. But lots of sleep undoubtedly helped. Had a stellar basement workout because I decided Sundays will be about playing around. Since I'm doing all the big rocks at NSS, and my main focus is now running, Sunday should be more about mobility and accessories and bonus and fun. So, a better mindset about things.

Brain: Good. Much work accomplished, didn't leave my own yard, didn't see anyone but the hubs all day. The way Sundays should be.

Saturday, June 11

Body: Got up feeling fairly rested and no aches/pains. Logged a solid Couch to 5k (ran with Brett & discussed LAE, mostly), then ran with Brett & Heidi & pooches toward Brett's vehicle, then back with Heidi. I did need a walk break in that return, but a lot of that was mental, needing to recover from tears at Heidi saying goodbye to Brett. Super hot day, napped at lunchtime & woke up feeling fairly refreshed.

Brain: Enjoyable running. Seeing my bestie one last time. Seeing my bestie for the last time. So many tears and "one last hugs" at our departure. I've known goodbye was coming for about 4 months, but it is still tearing me apart. Bereft. Was extra kind to myself the rest of the day; kept busy with chores & LAE work & reading. But still: bereft.

Friday, June 10

Body: Tight lower back, otherwise good. Still nothing from running, other than right ITB slightly tight some days. Two more weeks, bod, you can do this. Looking forward to a trail-happy body at my own pace. Hammocked at home after work, and felt like I could've napped.

Brain: Busy lotta workday. But logged a lunch picnic at the park with Heidi & kiddo, enjoying sunshine and fresh air and our second-to-last chitchat. Ready to cry every time I think about it. Trying to think about it as the stoics would: how will this help me, what advantage am I missing, how can this benefit me long-term? I don't know, I can't imagine this being a good thing in any way. At least for me; I think it's going to be wonderful for her family. 

Finally managed to get the LAE race volunteer website updated (from my hammock!) to at least a basic level of shareability, but I'm seriously dreading the constant messages from volunteers that come flying in that week. I am gone from home at least 12 hours every day and I don't know how I'll have time for last minute anything. 

Thursday, June 9

Body: Okay, but I'm not getting enough sleep. I don't need to be up before 5, Clyde cat. Lower back has a return of the tight, hard-to-stretch spot, and I have to blame stress. I am near tears at all seconds because of Heidi's move. Session was acceptable, not stellar but not bad. Just was. Couch to 5k was HOT so there was extra walking and an ice/water stop at Mike's house.

Brain: Decent. Got brave and signed up for PT certification and also texted the dates to Amy since it's 1.5 hours from her house, we could hang the night in between. It's at the end of August, and study materials are on the way, so I'll be occupied on the Colorado road trip! Haven't heard anything from boss boys, but they do have a million things going on, as usual, and it certainly isn't an obvious/easy decision. Kept busybusy and had some extra work to supply the ice/water but it was worth it. At home, barely enough time for anything. Looking forward to July, and hopefully next year C25k only overlaps a tiny bit with SSS, because it's getting rough.

Wednesday, June 8

Body: Feels good. Slight tightness in lower legs getting out of bed, but went away very quickly. Got up tired, though, as dogs keep waking me up. And so does Clyde.

Brain: Decent. Full work pile at DBB (co-op taxes), visit to Dad's bookwork over lunch, but still in unmotivated/shiny object mode. That made my afternoon a scramble to get the co-op tax return done before leaving so that the boss man had a week to review rather than 24 hours. SSS at NSS was an absolute blast. I do still find myself unsure of how to correct (or whether to) because I'm just not familiar with the range of imperfection that different bodies will display. Like, I know a perfect squat, but what about a "pretty good" squat, is that okay? When is it not good enough & needing perfection? I guess that's what experience will show me. Anyway, once again home late and eat and go get ready for bed and this is getting old. It's already old.

Tuesday, June 7

Body: Feeling good. Session went well; I did have to settle for 155x3 on squats rather than a set of 5 (caved forward a little), but I nailed a 135x1 bench that was the first 135 that felt GOOD in a long while, so I racked it without even trying a second. Just finish intelligently on a high note. Given I didn't have Chief, which usually throws me off, this was a solid showing. My run plan calls for "rounding up" Tuesday night Couch to 5k runs, to at least 3.5, so I literally ran my library errand, and ran to & from Couch to 5k. Success: 4.2 total miles!

Brain: Busy busy NSS day...again. Good busy, but DAMN I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend to recover from my vacation weekend. (Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, no?) Much accomplished, much work to do on volunteer gig, and little time to work on it. Thankful for that upcoming weekend.

Monday, June 6

Body: Solid sleep until 445a, ugh. Body felt decent although quads a little sore...tower?

Brain: Post-vacation Monday: ugh. Did okay with tax firm MEH-ness, and had a blast at SSS. RFL was meeting after that, so I got home pretty late (more ugh) but still had a few minutes to celebrate hubs' good news (job offer!).

Sunday, June 5

Body: Another fabulous night of sleep, another day of needing a nap, but otherwise good energy. Got in another short hike before we left the campground, and my quads feel yesterday's tower, but that's about it.

Brain: Sad to leave vacation and jump right back into work tomorrow. Guilty for missing Chico's grad party. Bit stressed by all the work (& volunteer work & housework & etc) before me this month, while my HH is leaving me, but trying to believe it will happen like it should, and be just fine, and there is no reason to worry.

Saturday, June 4

Body: Very good. Many miles trekked with the family, including sections we could barely get through the brush: awesome. Played a touch on the playground bars, don't know why I can't do monkey bars but my grip is toast in half a second. Tried to work on muscle ups but I just freaking can't get them. Enjoyable, needed nap, despite 9+ hours in bed the night before.

Brain: Excellent day of vacation. Slept well, ate well, hiked well, lazed well, dogs behaved TONS better than our last camping excursion, happy hubs, beautiful views. Refreshing; brain is starting to come back to normal.

Friday, June 3

Body: Very good. Even tolerated the drive to Itasca pretty well. In bed early though.

Brain: Solidly busy Friday, and left early for vacation. Rainy campsite wasn't the greatest but we made it work.

Thursday, June 2

Body: Good. Had Dustin add OHP to my session so I could have an expert set of eyes make sure I'm doing shit right (everything I know about OHP I learned from reading Mark Rippetoe) and it went well. Deadlifts came back to me today, so I made up for last week's missed reps. Couch to 5k felt easy peasy despite warmer temps; nothing so bad as a week ago, anyway.

Brain: Good. Busy, productive, satisfied. Bit stressed anyway, of course. Emotions at high tide.

Wednesday, June 1

Body: Serious squat aches, but nothing from running. Terrible sleep, 2am wakeup h/s/g & even hungry, but I didn't get up, too tired. Sad spiral. Acne anger.

Brain: Tired after poor sleep and yesterday's breakdown. So not wanting to be at DBB, not really wanting to be anywhere at all. Very super duper unmotivated. Disappointed in myself. Shame spiral. Afternoon went better and SSS at NSS was super duper fun, and despite all my worrying it went well. Met up with ROUSers for supper post-run (not mine) and made sure I was sitting with my Heidi. Very few chats left with my girl.

Tuesday, May 31

Body: Tired & achey, nothing specific, just fatigue-y. Session went better than I expected, with squats continuing to feel quite good, and pulls going up, PR even (a kippy PR, so one I'm not super proud of). Was very near to terrible self-talk (tears) with a failed 125x3 on bench, and had to put full trust in Chief when he declared 135x1 doable anyway, and he was right. Thankful I was able to shut down the CIV for once. Eve Couch to 5k was fun, again ran with Tim who must be in his 60s or so, but is running 10:00 miles without much effort, and doing it in a tee & khaki-type pants every time. So cool.

Brain: Great at NSS all morning, very productive, pulling together our big RFL fundraising project and various month-end things; feeling the possibilities of being overwhelmed but always able to shut it down and just take the to-do list one item at a time. In the afternoon I felt pretty depleted, after lunch with a friend left me feeling rotten about myself & our friendship (the entire lunch felt like I was an obligation, a waste of time). That transferred to feeling physically drained, and by the evening I was in tears. I am so struggling with the barrage of life busyness, another precious bestie moving far away, physical depletion, financial & job worries, and friends who hurt me by turning out to be shitty friends. It is too much at once for my already-low-capacity stress bucket. And even though I know a breakdown always leads to a load of physical stress that adds more mental stress, I was helpless to prevent it.