Thursday, May 26

Body: Another night of bad sleep, definitely need to track calories. I keep waking up with puffy eyes, too, what the hell? Body felt squat soreness (was there yesterday, too) but it felt okay once I was moving. Yet I failed on a 235 deadlift. I almost cried. I JUST started running again, and my deadlift is already gone? Utter sadness. Slight weird twinge going on in my right hip flexor after that deadlift, but it went away quickly post-session. Couch to 5k was still warm, but the cooling breeze made a dramatic difference, and it felt pretty good to run. We are at double digits!

Brain: NSS day happiness. Sharing fantabulous fundraising news/plans. Finished my 3-year budget projections and they are still not great, but not terrible either. But it's basically up to the boss boys to decide whether or not I'm worth it, and while I will fully understand if they decide I'm not (or even just not yet), I will also be completely crushed. Yet just in talking with Dustin about preparing to own SSS, I felt so lost and unsure and hesitant and like old me, depression me, sadface me, and I need to shake that feeling, I hate that feeling. I want to be confident me, and I don't know what's causing this other than "New" and "Scary" and "I want it so badly but what if I suck at it." Hubs is working on new job leads, and if he could just go make a decent amount of money that's actually only 40 hours per week which frees him up for side jobs to boost his intake some, I could lower my number and we could all be happier (well, except DBB). The load of stress I dumped a week ago by talking with boss boys has crept back on. I need a magic wand, please. PLEASE.

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