Tuesday, April 5

Body: Not achey, but blah. I thought I was fine through squat & pulls, but the wheels kind of came off after that. Bench was harder than it should've been, and looked janky. I did FAH in the afternoon, and called it at 60s. I purposely took snatches a little easier, and still managed to hit 120 in 4:15. I was kind of bummed on that but honestly as long as I come into game day feeling good, I can nail 150. I just need to properly taper for it. I don't think 5x5 bench & deadlift two days earlier is on my program!

Brain: Good. Got a shit ton of work done, and had fun doing it. Chitchat with a couple of the badass powerlifting girls competing in just FOUR days! Library visit, where again I have to stop myself at three books rather than All The Books. Time at home to catch up on this journal blog thing.

Had some disappointment in myself for not bringing up a topic with Chief that's been bugging me for a while now, but it's hard to bring up for two reasons: 1, it is a highly vulnerable thing to talk about; and 2, I honestly don't know whether my fear is only a "me" thing, or there really are that many women with a history similar to mine. The issue is NSS is planning a "Direction Week," to recur regularly, where coaches talk with clients about their goals, their status, their program, make sure we know what they want and are thus giving them what they want, etc. That's a great thing, I believe that.

But my fear is that many people's goals of fat loss will spill over into the world of someone like me, who is OVER IT all, but is not yet, you know, THROUGH IT all. I do not want to pursue fat loss, I know it as true as my birth date, but somehow the talk about measurements makes me think maybe I should do something about this body. I'm not satisfied with its appearance, but I'm not unhappy with it enough to do something different. I want strength, and if that means I'm bigger or smaller or exactly as I am for the rest of my life, fine, whatever, just give me strength. And yet...the seed is planted, the visual reasons are there, the old urges are deep inside, I think the occasional foolish thought. I slap it down, I stay strong, but it's there, and it frankly shocks me that its still there.

And so I worry for others. If I'm so solidly sure that strength is the only goal worth my effort, yet I'm STILL prone to this body image bullshit, what about those who are not so certain? Who maybe haven't yet found their thing? Or just haven't had enough time to fully see the blackness of the place they were in? They will NOT benefit from talk about fat loss; they in fact might be sent back to an unhappy place they thought they'd finally escaped. I don't want that for them, for me, for anyone.

Is that a real concern? Is it really a lot of women? Or is it just me?

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