Tuesday, April 12

Body: Still tired (Lexi up at 1a to go outside, Clyde up at 3a to, I dunno, be a stupid jerk?) and feeling a little janky. Neck/back seems to be normal again. Left shoulder still a little crank in daily life. Left hip has stayed fairly happy although surfacing here & there in the last two days. Center low back has a very tight spot, and QLs are tight. I need tax season to END. Came into session withholding judgement, and things went better than expected, although did not feel up to par. It was nice to do squats that actually felt like work, first time in a long while.

Brain: Up & down. The crappy sleep left the CIV ready to talk loudly, but I slammed it down best I could. Cranked out a bunch of work with happy coworkers, including time on my C25k FB group. Session better than anticipated. Session followed by quarterly review, which had highs and lows.

I wrote my review out on the computer, making it significantly wordier than even I usually am, which I think the chiefs appreciated. Seems like my history with TS reviews makes me answer things much differently than the rest of the team! I am proud that I brought up some very real issues (like my concerns over avoiding a fat loss focus) without crying (although definitely a bit shaky).

I was, however, frustrated by the CIV's reaction to their advice/coaching on dealing with interruptions and questions (which I'd pointed out as the one thing I would like changed in my day). The voice insisted I should be very capable of telling someone I can't help them right now, "busy with X, ask X instead, or Google it, or ask me later"; this is easy & obvious, why am I so dumb? It is deeply ingrained for me to help help help, which is lovely to others, but it works to my own detriment so often. They gave helpful & spot-on advice, but I couldn't stop the internal dialogue from getting in a few lines before shutting it down ("God, see how easy it is, you suck so bad!").

I also was taken aback at the news that it had been decided (by someone else) that I wasn't needed to help coach the next team training, that it should be one of the full-time coaches, or none at all. A tiny part of me was grateful at the lack of time commitment, but a big part of me was very, very hurt. WHY am I not good enough to help with this again? I did it last year, and I truly enjoyed it, and I was pretty certain I'd be doing it again. Despite the time investment, I was looking forward to it. It's good coaching experience, thus it develops some confidence, and it's genuinely a load of fun to be a cheerleader to a group of women, half of whom I already know & like. And yet, it's better to do one coach with a smaller group ("Less revenue?!" screamed my inner accountant) than to use me? The two chiefs had not both been aware of this prior, it seemed, so maybe it's not final, but in the meantime, the suggestion is at least there, and it sucks. I was told it wasn't personal, but I fail to see how it's not. I absolutely fail.

I was reminded that getting me there full-time is an option we need to discuss, mainly me deciding how much I need to be paid, and whether we could use me to coach, to offset some of my cost. (Don't worry, as the accountant, this is one of my concerns as well.) It was gratifying to hear that, after the above rejection, but still. How can I be thought of as a potential personal coach, part-time or fill-in or whatever, if I can't even be adequate to do group training, which is in fact what my only fucking experience is in? A sad pit of rejection is sitting in mah belly.

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