Friday, April 29

Body: Sleep great. Upper back slightly sore from deadlifts & rope pulls, in a good way. Guts finally pretty normal. Walked with my beloved Heidi & a pack of pooches in the evening, and it was wonderful fun. I purposely chose not to run, again playing conservative to prioritize my deadlifts.

Brain: Excellent workday again, very productive. Had a fantabulous lunch with Shannon that could've lasted hours longer. A lovely outing with Heidi; truly don't know how I'm going to get through life without her alongside me.

Thursday, April 28

Body: Solid night of sleep. Guts trending toward normal, but not there yet. Had a headache mid-morning, which is very rare for me. Session went better than I expected (my expectations were extremely low), and the light deadlifts were me playing conservative given the past few days, rather than pushing to a heavy grind. Eve C25k walk was quite fun, with two pooches along!

Brain: Excellent day at NSS. Boss boys gone meant everyone had a busy day, and also that I had a task to feel out the post-bombshell fallout, which was better than I anticipated. We had a lovely team "meeting" at which everyone was SO chatty that it was good, but also made me sad, that they don't feel that same comfortable openness with the boss boys around. I got a lot of random things done and worked ahead a little to compensate for the coming month-end: a good feeling.

Wednesday, April 27

Body: Crappy sleep; checked my phone at 1a, at 3a, and 5a...ugh. Guts are still not cooperative. Didn't want to eat lunch, and didn't want to work; left at noon. Tried to nap but at most it was a short catnap, I just couldn't fall asleep. Still didn't want to eat, because it was pleasant to NOT have gurgling guts, but no caloric intake doesn't go well with me. At simple spaghetti (rice noodles) and made a fruit/protein smoothie. And guts commenced gurgling...ate the leftover spaghetti for supper. Still same unhappy guys but I stopped feeling pukey at least. 

Brain: Bad sleep left me with lower energy, but not blasted like it might have just a month ago. Still, after I finished a tax return at noon, it sounded daunting to start another; I felt certain that I would hit 2pm and want to cry...so I went home. After my pseudo nap, I booked a hotel for Spring Superior, shopped for gifts, and read, surrounded by sleepy pets. It was lovely.

Tuesday, April 26

Body: Clyde woke me up (what felt like) every 15 minutes, starting at 330a. Got up okay but cranky about it. Didn't have high hopes for my session, and we dialed back squats due to my suspicions and also tight left hammie (WTF, you?). Pulls maintained and bench was decent. Checked FAH later on, but elbow still crank. Worked on speed switches instead. Guts were a mess all day, left me feeling kinda rotten. Eve walk was nice, another chilly windy evening, but a fun chatty group made it delightful. Left big toe was sore afterward again. Damn.

Brain: Decent. Solid morning, session better than anticipated, but afternoon was dragging, and extra-wild chitlins DID NOT HELP my brain. Ugh, kids. Then a work bombshell was dropped, one that will affect all of us, but most of all I'm expecting my beloved boss boys to be bombarded. One of my post-bombshell tasks is to keep an eye on the team and manage the fallout; well, the boss boys are part of the team, and their sanity shall be endangered by the fallout. So I did what little I could today, which was to buy & leave them each a treat with a silly note. It's not much given the situation, but if there's anything I have learned in life, it's that the little things usually are the big things. How many times have the right words, delivered with love, helped me through a rough time? All the time; every rough time. Our people are all we have, in the end.

Monday, April 25

Body: Decent. No ill effects from yesterday's lifting, that I can tell.

Brain: Decent. Slept well & felt good, but REALLY didn't want to go to work, but that's a rainy Monday for ya. Wanted to bail on work at like 3, but made it just past 4. I think I may grab a half day off on Wednesday. Just because UGH. Visited the family in eve for big bro's birthday, which was nice.

Sunday, April 24

Body: Felt good from the start, and warmup felt good, so I had high hopes for lifting. Forgot to judge my own OHP and nailed the 65x5 I've been aiming at for the past month. Bench felt better than it has lately, but was still a major grind to get 125x2. Deadlift was an incredibly heavy 225x1, total max effort. Ugh. Looking back, I suspect either a return to heavy-ish squats or running (even just doing half & half for 5 miles?!) is making deadlifts drop. Crapsticks! Well, easy enough to shut down both for another few weeks, I guess. Added carbz & a nap to my day for a recovery focus.

Brain: Decent. Crappy lifting didn't bring me down, just left me curious. Family outing with the pooches and nieces & nephews that was tiring but fun. Nap time with the kittehs. Productive chore time with the hubs.

Saturday, April 23

Body: Solid. Left foot soreness from yesterday was nothing today, not even with the morning walk. Checked FAH but right elbow was still there if it wasn't in a perfect position, so I dropped. Not sure how to maintain or recover since our mock TSC is only 3 weeks away. Real one is today, and I'm anxious to see the scores. Came home from LAPW expo needing a nap, very drained after that, on top of a crappy night's sleep (Lexi needed out at 330a!), but Clyde was an asshole and a nap didn't happen. Got up cranky and dreading the tax firm party, just because people; can you say "introvert"?

Brain: Decent. Lovely morning walk, happy with the turnout. Chitchat with some of my runner peeps afterward. LAPW expo was a disappointment; I was located in a place where it was easy for people to ignore me, so most of them did. I did talk to one parent about her gymnast daughter, but that was literally the only "lead" type conversation that I had. I felt useless & like my morning was totally wasted. I did get to chat with some LAPW & TS peeps that I've missed, and hang with my mom & her friend, so that was nice at least. Plotted out spring/summer/fall running to tailor to WD50k...not gonna lie, it looks pretty fucking ambitious; but then, I always build it up for "no sign of injury issues, pure trail bliss" and dial back as necessary. Tax party was quite fun after all, what's not to love about AYCE steak & lobster?

Friday, April 22

Body: Pretty good. Little sore from deadlifts, little bit tight left hamstring, decent everything else though. Decided to give my elbow another day off FAH and try them tomorrow morning between the C25k and working the LAPW expo. Took the pooches LCSP-ing on a most glorious spring day, and felt better than I expected to. Some yelps from my right ankle toward the end, and the left foot's big toe/ball were screamy afterward...newer pair of NB Minimus, only the second time they've been worn, so maybe just that. Will rotate, as always.

Brain: Meh. Busy workday, then everyone was gone by 1pm and I was left in blissful silence. But at that point I had all my major deadline-type stuff done, and needed to work on project-y things...which I was not in the mood for. Prepared for tomorrow's expo, gave myself a way to work on C25k blog posts over the weekend, and then bailed an hour early. Felt tremendously guilty, even though in I'll be working a few hours on behalf of NSS tomorrow, so WTF do I have to worry about? Nothing, I'm just trained to feel this way.

Thursday, April 21

Body: Felt really good; left back/shoulder is better, low back is better, left hip is better, most movement feels better. Things still around: wrists not totally okay yet; left hamstring feels tight again after months of nothing; left shoulder still occasionally pinches. In session I was feeling very strong and NORMAL, with things like TGUs feeling TONS better than before, like my tax-season-induced neurological shit storm is finally calming. But my 250x2 deadlifts went up just a little slow, so Chief shut me down there. (Jerk!) (No, obvi I love him, I just don't like to be stopped.) Since my elbow was crank on Tuesday, I had decided I should move FAH to Thursdays - snatch once per week & FAH once per week to maintain until TSC. But my right elbow gave screams so quickly that I bailed at 8 seconds. Instead I went and worked on speed switches for the snatch. SHIT THO. Eve walk with group felt better than Tuesday, although during the walk there were some niggles.

Brain: Really good until Paige did a muscle-up. On next to no training, just a bit of coaching from her CF boy, and BOOM, she can do it. I was green with jealousy; managed not to truly listen to the CIV, but she basically babbled all day about how I tried to build a proper base for them over like months, training intelligently, and fucked up my shoulder so that I had to take them off my bucket list - meanwhile, she can just try them and do it. Le sigh. This is something I should be over by now, but it's not. I'm not. And then I didn't get to try a deadlift PR, and UGH I had to fight to keep from dropping low. Luckily, our staff meeting was packed with Chiefly silliness, and good talks. But then my elbow hated FAH. But then I got a little better at speed switches. And then I had coffee with my BB. And then a bunch of people showed up to walk. And then the silly dogs fetched. And cats snuggled. Still feeling tired & draggy, though.

Wednesday, April 20

Body: Decent. Woke h/s/g again last night, awake for an hour again. ARGH. Body felt pretty good; some low-back tightness again. No squat aches and some slight upper back ache from bench, but shoulder is better than it's been. In eve, logged a few swings & snatches trying out the "speed switch" - felt awkward and clunky, but new things usually do, right? At least I figured out I could do something neat, and all on my own!

Brain: Mike is outsourcing my C2k5 plan to a company in Staples that does a 5k in mid-June, so I got to babble about the program & how it works & advice & logistics and MAN I wish that making new runners could be a real job. Somewhat frustrating tax work, can't believe the business owners who put no stock in proper bookkeeping. Got to visit an old coworker and help her with a QB thing & chat besides. Fun with fetch & KB & Saturday's online shopping delivery. NOT FUN with two cats in a knock-down, drag-out fight, and no idea what started it. Scary stuff, but they seemed just fine a half hour later? Just call a truce at night, please, bros.

Tuesday, April 19

Body: Felt surprisingly good, and session went well. Pulls came back a little, and squats went well, but Chief made me deload bench on a day that it felt quite good, so I was a little sulky. The C25k walk outing felt good, and I could feel some strain in the feet once I got home.

Brain: Decent until Technology Trouble Tuesday took over. Otherwise a good work day, though it felt like not much was accomplished. Small turnout for our Couch to 5k kickoff, but the weather was pretty crappy, so that wasn't a huge surprise. It was lovely once we got moving. Silliness at home, filming the dogs catching treats in slow motion, far more hilarious when they missed.

Monday, April 18

Body: Left hip was troublesome overnight. Laying in bed on left side, I was feeling some zingers, not exactly pain, but not pleasant. Something pinching, I guess. Not noticeable during the day. Otherwise things are decent. Right calf still talking about how it wants to cramp up, the stupid thing.

Brain: Even though tax season madness is over, I did NOT want to go in today. Can't every day be a Sunday? Worked until the party at 3, which was fun, but for most of it I was like...but can't we all just go home now?? Tired and DUN. Bleah.   

Cheered up by the walking to begin tomorrow. I'm really really excited to see what this can add in terms of running success for more people, or even just helping to create a regular walking group. 

Sunday, April 17

Body: Get up feeling quite good after a solid night of sleep. Right calf a little tight all day, like it's considering cramping. Lifting went okay: happy squat (though still light); better OH press than last week; bench okay but I wasted a lot of energy in set 3's bad grip. I had SUCH high hopes for deadlifts after the warm-up set felt like an empty bar, but the following sets were all grinders. Sheesh. Then I looked at my volume spreadsheet and realized how high Thursday was, and felt less disappointed by today. Wanted to do swings, but that weirdness in back left shoulder seemed to say no fast movements should be done.

Brain: Solid. Knocked out bills by 8am. Soaked up a bit of the beautiful morning. Lifted decently. Filmed 8467 attempts at a couch to 5k video (videos are HARD for perfectionists!) until I called one good 'nuff. Knocked out proper food prep for what felt like the first time in ages. Listened to a humorous audiobook. Laughed at dogs. Finished every chore, and even had time to read.

Saturday, April 16

Body: Slept in as long as the dogs would let me, which was only 545a, but better than nothing. Took the dogs go the trails with Heidi & Harper, and my lower legs were a little cranky; sore shin muscles - but not alarming at this point. Annoying, but predictable. I did toss in some running spurts at the end, but was not wearing the proper top, so they were very short. Felt awkward, and deep right glute felt a little shocked by it. Napped two hours and spent the rest of the day reading & tired.

Brain: Decided against the debated St Cloud visit and instead shopped online, from the silence of my home, and for once I didn't even hesitate at a $6 shipping fee since it saved me hours of road rage. Caught up on some backlogged writing and scrubbed emails a bit. Made plans to meet Amy & Juliet, though that's still two months away. Met up with a beloved on trails with pooch antics, and it was glorious. Enjoyed a deep nap. Finished a book I just started yesterday (31 so far this year!). Cancelled on BK's bonfire and managed to NOT feel guilty, though I was frustrated by how TIRED and DELICATE I felt. Ugh. Seemed like I could have mustered up the energy and enjoyed myself, but I would have paid for it tomorrow. Chose self-preservation, for once. Go me!

Friday, April 15

Body: Again h/s/g at 1am, and an hour before I fell asleep. I do NOT understand why this happens anymore. My calories are on par, and my macros are relatively so. Do I really need to get it all perfectly perfect?! Slightly aching feet and ankles from the LCSP walk that I didn't expect. Given all my standing, it feels like I should be able to walk for one little hour without a reaction. Well, it's a good reminder that I need to follow the C25k plan guidelines myself.

Possible ill effect of deadlift PR in left shoulder/back area. Feels a bit strained but not sharp, only a slight ache. But different than the "usual" shoulder thing. Feels like I should do some carries to help cement in the perfect posture, especially after all these weeks of computer work for 60 hours. Logged yesterday's FAH and managed 80s despite the week off: woo hoo! I think yesterday's elbow weirdness was merely missing the perfect hand placement. All of this seems to be a sign that things are teetering on the edge of injury and I must be careful. So, careful I shall be. 4 more weeks until the mock TSC, and after that I can stop some of this foolishness.

Brain: Decent. A chatty Friday meant I fell behind as usual. And poor sleep left me a little impatient. There were moments that I wished I had ear buds in. I don't WANT to do that, because I hate how closed-off it looks, and I want clients to approach me if needed. I want to be open to real work questions, and some chitchat, but not the all-day blathering. Had lunch with Timmy and heard about her potential life upheavals and thoroughly enjoyed catching up. At home, was delighted to have complete silence to decompress.

I have nothing to do tomorrow, and the freedom to do absolutely anything I want. It's the only Saturday I'll be able to say that until July 2, due to C25k. Naturally, I am at a complete loss as to how I should spend it.

Thursday, April 14

Body: Still tight in lower back. Left shoulder no worse. Upper back spot seems fine. Session showed the wrist is still not yet perfect, but nearly so. PR in deadlifts that looked fairly easy, could've done a couple more I think. Tried FAH but something was off in right elbow (not -itisy, just weird, so I immediately quit); no snatches to flare up the low back. Afternoon the whole NSS played hooky in Dawn's yard, where I soaked up Vitamin D like it was my only nutrient. Then walked at LCSP with two of my favorites, plus my delighted pooches.

Brain: A great day. Work knocked out, a deadlift PR, an incredibly amazingly generous gift from the NSS boss boys, an afternoon hookying, a walk with my beloveds in my beloved LCSP, and no need to work this Saturday. Pretty much impossible to top this day, I'd say.

Wednesday, April 13

Body: Mostly okay, but that low back is getting worse; stretching must be delicate and careful, lest it be painful. Getting a little concerned at this; I didn't even snatch or FAH yesterday because I was worried about the immense fatigue from Saturday carrying over yet. It's like I'm having a physical reaction to tax season, but now that it's almost over I should be able to tolerate it, shouldn't I? But I can't. Squat legs, shoulder no worse, but immense fatigue by noon. Would've gone home early to nap, but it was possibly my last day of tax season, so I sucked it up and got things done. Barely. In eve, soaked up the spring day. Also went to bed early. 

Brain: I am so done with taxes. So done. I am not feeling any last-minute surge of energy to accomplish things. I am in fact thinking of taking a day off just for the sake of a day off, even though I don't have many PTO days here. But a Wednesday off for no reason whatsoever sounds downright glorious. Maybe make that shopping trip for assorted crap I can't get in my local town(s). Maybe just take the dogs to the park. Maybe just nothing at all, yo. GLORIOUS.

At about 930a, I received a message that I was in fact not rejected to help coach at NSS, that it was a misunderstanding &/or a miscommunication. This is why I need to stop babbling my every thought over the interwebz: I look like a goddamn fool. But in the interest of full, genuine disclosure, in case some idiot is actually reading this nonsense, I'll leave it. Because I really did spend time feeling awful & sad & rejected, and there's no reason to pretend I didn't. I am so fucking tired of people pretending at perfection.

I can't explain how much I enjoyed the hour outdoors. I'm craving me some LCSP. Even caved and spent money on an overpriced Andes pass today. Trails, I need you. See you soon, loves. 

Tuesday, April 12

Body: Still tired (Lexi up at 1a to go outside, Clyde up at 3a to, I dunno, be a stupid jerk?) and feeling a little janky. Neck/back seems to be normal again. Left shoulder still a little crank in daily life. Left hip has stayed fairly happy although surfacing here & there in the last two days. Center low back has a very tight spot, and QLs are tight. I need tax season to END. Came into session withholding judgement, and things went better than expected, although did not feel up to par. It was nice to do squats that actually felt like work, first time in a long while.

Brain: Up & down. The crappy sleep left the CIV ready to talk loudly, but I slammed it down best I could. Cranked out a bunch of work with happy coworkers, including time on my C25k FB group. Session better than anticipated. Session followed by quarterly review, which had highs and lows.

I wrote my review out on the computer, making it significantly wordier than even I usually am, which I think the chiefs appreciated. Seems like my history with TS reviews makes me answer things much differently than the rest of the team! I am proud that I brought up some very real issues (like my concerns over avoiding a fat loss focus) without crying (although definitely a bit shaky).

I was, however, frustrated by the CIV's reaction to their advice/coaching on dealing with interruptions and questions (which I'd pointed out as the one thing I would like changed in my day). The voice insisted I should be very capable of telling someone I can't help them right now, "busy with X, ask X instead, or Google it, or ask me later"; this is easy & obvious, why am I so dumb? It is deeply ingrained for me to help help help, which is lovely to others, but it works to my own detriment so often. They gave helpful & spot-on advice, but I couldn't stop the internal dialogue from getting in a few lines before shutting it down ("God, see how easy it is, you suck so bad!").

I also was taken aback at the news that it had been decided (by someone else) that I wasn't needed to help coach the next team training, that it should be one of the full-time coaches, or none at all. A tiny part of me was grateful at the lack of time commitment, but a big part of me was very, very hurt. WHY am I not good enough to help with this again? I did it last year, and I truly enjoyed it, and I was pretty certain I'd be doing it again. Despite the time investment, I was looking forward to it. It's good coaching experience, thus it develops some confidence, and it's genuinely a load of fun to be a cheerleader to a group of women, half of whom I already know & like. And yet, it's better to do one coach with a smaller group ("Less revenue?!" screamed my inner accountant) than to use me? The two chiefs had not both been aware of this prior, it seemed, so maybe it's not final, but in the meantime, the suggestion is at least there, and it sucks. I was told it wasn't personal, but I fail to see how it's not. I absolutely fail.

I was reminded that getting me there full-time is an option we need to discuss, mainly me deciding how much I need to be paid, and whether we could use me to coach, to offset some of my cost. (Don't worry, as the accountant, this is one of my concerns as well.) It was gratifying to hear that, after the above rejection, but still. How can I be thought of as a potential personal coach, part-time or fill-in or whatever, if I can't even be adequate to do group training, which is in fact what my only fucking experience is in? A sad pit of rejection is sitting in mah belly.

Monday, April 11

Body: Didn't sleep well (up at 2am H/S/G), but dogs let me sleep in past 6, which helped. Still, not much energy available for taxes. I am so over tax season. So. Over. It.

Brain: Tax season is in a weird "waiting for answers here" and "can't quite finish there" and "is there enough time to get this done" situation. I'm tired of it. Are we done yet? Close. Unlike some who get a last wind when the deadline looms, I'm just finished. I really honestly truly do not know if I can do it again.

Sunday, April 10

Body: 12 hours in bed, but choppy sleep that didn't make much of a dent in Saturday's exhaustion. Still, felt decent enough to lift by noon or so, but it didn't go well. Fine to start, but the lower back of my neck / upper back tightened up after final overhead presses, and left me certain it was time to truly deload, lest it lock up completely. I thought about doing different stuff entirely, but I hoped moving through the grooves would still be beneficial. I cut sets and used truly deload-worthy weights, and still everything felt heavy, and the neck meant being very careful. A forced deload is so much worse than a planned one! Hopefully taking it so light today means that I'm recovered by Tuesday.

Brain: Decent. Dangerous territory, being physically depleted and forced to deload due to a minor injury, but I kept the cunty voice shut down. Got a lot accomplished (though not all), and read a lot, and relaxed as much as I could, and did not leave the house, although the parents did stop over and I had to tolerate the usual admonitions about how I need to clean X better. (Does a mother ever stop telling her daughter how poorly she's housekeeping? Aren't there any other women who similarly don't give a fuck, or is it just me?)

Saturday, April 9

Body: Again, a shitty night of sleep - you'd have thought I was competing in the morning! Had great energy throughout the entire meet, but cleaning up dragged on & on, and I was hungry, and I was getting cranky about some of our help being less helpful than I expected them to be. I downed a protein shake during clean-up to survive, and ate chips on the way home, where I ate a normal supper, then took my book to the couch. I was exhausted; could hardly focus and keep my eyes open. Went to bed at 8p, no joke.

Brain: Once again, grateful I arrived earlier than told, because the place turned into a bit of a madhouse right quick, and not for a second was I looking for something to do. Rode high on adrenaline all day long. Loved the chitchat with people, wish I'd had time for more, but I seemed to be the only one who could see the overflowing garbages that I changed at every break, and always needed the bathroom or a snack, and then BOOM, back to the action and back at my computer. I did deeply love having a task that meant being front & center to see every single lift (running the software). Would have hated being out on the "deal with people & facility" job and missing all of it. Huge emotional high watching people accomplish something scary, or merely heavy, and seeing the delighted faces at achieving something they wanted so badly. It was the most fun EVAH, and I'd gladly give another 12-hour day to be a part of something so incredible. I still have zero desire to compete, but much desire to see what I'm capable of as long as I continue. Watching some seriously amazing feats of strength will do that to you!

Friday, April 8

Body: Tired but okay. Got pretty terrible sleep, for whatever reason, but had decent energy throughout the day.

Brain: Solid. Crammed in a bunch of work, then spent much of the afternoon helping with female weigh-ins for the meet. Totally relieved I had followed my own hunch and arranged my work/home to accommodate this time suck, which the meet guru had wrongly promised would be minimal. I suppose it would have muddled along without me (it always has in the past), but why muddle along when you can instead make it a fantastic experience for the lifters? I loved chatting with all the women, most especially with the first-time lifters, remembering my own first-meet anxiety despite the advantage of it being in my own gym with my BB. It was a treasure to spend an afternoon talking with "my people."

Thursday, April 7

Body: Wasn't feeling awesome, but session felt significantly better than Tuesday, and included two reps at 250, that easily could've been 3, and probably could've been 4. Weird reaction to rope pull-ups: fingers swelled up somewhat, and when I did FAHs a few hours later, the skin on one knuckle literally cracked open. Only my delicate body could react in such a stupid way!

Hip has been MUCH happier than it was last week. Shoulder slightly improved. Wrists still a bit touchy but almost okay again. I am positive that pulling 10 hours of computer work out of my week will be a huge help to that issue.

Brain: Awesome day at NSS. Much work done, even worked late in preparation of Friday afternoon being ate up by meet work. In eve, at home: drained empty.

Wednesday, April 6

Body: Once again I slept until almost 6a. This is weird; not sure why I'm needing so much sleep lately. Also my face is breaking out pretty badly, and my pathetic answer seems to be...flavored coffee. (A gift from my parents.) Nothing else unusual in my diet in the last few days. Ridiculously frustrating, because how much reactionary junk can there BE?!

Brain: Taxy day. So days left, yet long ones they shall be. Did Dad's bookwork tonight, but tech problems left me needing to return another day to finish. Gah. Scarfed down supper and went to the shower; no fun tonight.

Tuesday, April 5

Body: Not achey, but blah. I thought I was fine through squat & pulls, but the wheels kind of came off after that. Bench was harder than it should've been, and looked janky. I did FAH in the afternoon, and called it at 60s. I purposely took snatches a little easier, and still managed to hit 120 in 4:15. I was kind of bummed on that but honestly as long as I come into game day feeling good, I can nail 150. I just need to properly taper for it. I don't think 5x5 bench & deadlift two days earlier is on my program!

Brain: Good. Got a shit ton of work done, and had fun doing it. Chitchat with a couple of the badass powerlifting girls competing in just FOUR days! Library visit, where again I have to stop myself at three books rather than All The Books. Time at home to catch up on this journal blog thing.

Had some disappointment in myself for not bringing up a topic with Chief that's been bugging me for a while now, but it's hard to bring up for two reasons: 1, it is a highly vulnerable thing to talk about; and 2, I honestly don't know whether my fear is only a "me" thing, or there really are that many women with a history similar to mine. The issue is NSS is planning a "Direction Week," to recur regularly, where coaches talk with clients about their goals, their status, their program, make sure we know what they want and are thus giving them what they want, etc. That's a great thing, I believe that.

But my fear is that many people's goals of fat loss will spill over into the world of someone like me, who is OVER IT all, but is not yet, you know, THROUGH IT all. I do not want to pursue fat loss, I know it as true as my birth date, but somehow the talk about measurements makes me think maybe I should do something about this body. I'm not satisfied with its appearance, but I'm not unhappy with it enough to do something different. I want strength, and if that means I'm bigger or smaller or exactly as I am for the rest of my life, fine, whatever, just give me strength. And yet...the seed is planted, the visual reasons are there, the old urges are deep inside, I think the occasional foolish thought. I slap it down, I stay strong, but it's there, and it frankly shocks me that its still there.

And so I worry for others. If I'm so solidly sure that strength is the only goal worth my effort, yet I'm STILL prone to this body image bullshit, what about those who are not so certain? Who maybe haven't yet found their thing? Or just haven't had enough time to fully see the blackness of the place they were in? They will NOT benefit from talk about fat loss; they in fact might be sent back to an unhappy place they thought they'd finally escaped. I don't want that for them, for me, for anyone.

Is that a real concern? Is it really a lot of women? Or is it just me?

Monday, April 4

Body: Tired; slept all the way to 6am, though I'm not sure what Hanky was doing! It was lovely. Had a Relay meeting at 630p, and I thought to myself, "I'm tired," but I knew I wasn't as purely as exhausted as I got to two months ago. Still, it's important to take note and make sure my recovery is still a priority.

Brain: Fairly solid. Busy work day, some fun chitchat, fun times at Relay meeting that included grapefruit delivered to me from a former coworker's parent's tree in Florida. I love such gifts!

Sunday, April 3

Body: I listened to the tiny Dustin inside my head today, although maybe not entirely. Since the hip, shoulder, and even hamstring have all been cranky this week, I decided to deload. But maybe not entirely. I did legitimately back down the squat to see if the hip happies up this week, and did 5x5 on bench & deadlift. While those felt to my brain like a deload, they were not in reality. Bench was bordering on doable, although deadlifts got better as sets went on. Volume was redonk...I don't think that's how a deload works! Lazy rest of the day, although no nap.

Brain: Great workout, lovely lunch with Holea (seems in a genuinely good place now that her next destination is decided), then a truly wondertastic visit with JB and her adorbs puppy Emmy, who is the same breed as Hank. So a baby Hanky, who we never got to see! We sat in the lawn playing with her, laughing at her, talking about running and work and dog parks and taking time for oneself. It was an unexpected delight. I'm looking forward to Emmy's readiness to hit the dog park in a few weeks, for some play dates! Accomplished most of my chores the rest of the day with the hubs' help, and had time for reading, but not so much writing, which I can tell is causing some brain troubles.

Saturday, April 2

Body: Decent. Have been feeling more tired than normal for a while now. Energy level held up okay today, but I am really just feeling DONE with tax season.

Brain: Decent. Managed to get a free lunch; since they ordered in Truck Stop food, I got 2nd breakfast - especially great timing since I forgot my lunch at home! Eve laziness at home. Much reading accomplished.

Friday, April 1

Body: Decent. Hip & shoulder both have gone a little backward this week. Damn.

Brain: Decent. Much work done, much silliness had. Lunched with mom, although that left me working late, like I knew it would. But it was fun to introduce her to Trav's and give her a tour of NSS.

Thursday, March 31

Body: Solid. Excellent session, doubled 245 deadlift! Chins feeling a little better. Had a flexed arm hang-off against CJ (his idea) and while I beat him and hit 80s (and felt like I had 5-10 in the tank), I thought it was pretty unfair that he could just jump up and do 73s when I took like FOUR MONTHS to hit that point! Stupid jerkface boys.

Brain: Solid day at NSS, much silliness, much work. Met up with my TROUSers Brett & Heidi at Caribou after work, for a wonderful talk about some exciting news. And just catching up with some of my favorites was fantastic, truly lovely.