Thursday, February 4

Body: Feeling fair, better than Tuesday in terms of left hip pinch, and session went well, but couldn't hit the deadlift PR. Close, but the bar drifted forward, and although I was strong enough to hold it & shift myself backward to try to save it, I couldn't. When Dustin asked if I wanted to try again, I didn't want to "not row" so we moved on*. At home, I took one of my new library books downstairs and spent time biking & reading, then stretched the hips, because even the right one was a bit crank today. Started double dose of Vitamin D today.

Brain: Still not very good. Being at NSS helped, especially since we got Trav's for my 4-year anniversary (of starting VERY part-time), but after the session I almost started crying in the bathroom, just feeling like "why does my body suck, why am I so weak, I can't deadlift 235 from blocks even though there are bitches who can SQUAT that, oh, and I can't even squat because my body sucks, because I suck. Will I ever be good at this? It's not fair! I'm weak AND fat AND ugly AND lame AND," cue tears. I repeated to myself, "Depression lies. Depression lies. Depression lies." over and over and over until I could blink the tears away.

*RE: deadlift attempt, part of the reason I didn't want to try again is that I didn't want to FAIL again. I already failed at a PR on Tuesday. I didn't need to fail twice at a PR on Thursday.

Work meeting helped my brain recover somewhat, not being able to hear the cunty internal voice helps so much. Met my BB at the library to get my egg delivery, and then together we browsed books, and those things helped my brain immensely.

However, a thing I noted at the library, was standing and looking at the new releases, I saw a book on my list, and I nearly grabbed it, but I thought to myself, "Well, I'll let someone else read it instead. I don't need to take something off the main display here. There's other stuff on my list." Now, is that me being generous and letting someone else discover the joy of author Melanie Benjamin, or is that me feeling unworthy of taking the latest & greatest? I would like to say it's the former, but I can't argue with the truth of the latter.

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