Saturday, February 13

Body: Neck/trap still a little tight, but it wasn't so bothersome overnight. Have high hopes for relatively happy lifting tomorrow. Also, think I forgot to log the ghee I've been testing, made in banana-bread muffins, and eating without reaction. Cool! Next I will try just plain butter. I don't actually miss anything about butter, but it would be nice to put a pat on French toast now & then. For supper I loaded up on pizza and AZ, for once less of a mental need and more of a physical experiment.

Brain: Doing okay, but I woke up from intense dreams in which I recall receiving a lot of hugs, and then spent my morning feeling lonely and acutely missing the hubs. 5 more days before he returns, and also 4 more Saturdays (including today) before I get a proper 2-day weekend. I'm not sure how I'll make it to either of those, but it's not like I can change any of it, so how do I stop dwelling? It occurred me that I could bail early today, since I seem to need it, do what? My people are all gone, or busy with their own lives. Sigh of loneliness. And today hubs kindly says he misses me, but unfortunately, I know that he misses me much differently than I miss him, and it doesn't feel like he misses ME at all - I'm very frustrated with MALES and also frustrated with myself for being such a FEMALE.

Side note: how in the fuuuuuuck did I ever train for a marathon during tax season? I mean, I know it never went well, but how did I ever even make it out the door? I can't fathom. I'm trying very hard not to hate this weakness, this inability to handle it, but I look at others who don't have this massive struggle to work this much, and it's really hard not to deduce I suck. Why can they do what I can't? Why can't I do what I want to do?

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