Friday, February 26

Body: A little janky all over. Tight low back that I just can't fully stretch lately. Shoulders both okay, the weirdness in right upper back from Wednesday already gone. No movement, other than walking a couple of blocks.

Brain: Started a bit on the low side for unknown reasons, went a bit lower when Chief bailed early* for a sick kid, then stabilized thanks to coworkers & clients, then lunched with a bestie who dropped a bombshell**, nearly cried many times in reaction, then stabilized thanks to coworkers, then coffee with my BB, then silence & pets at home.

At work, a short chitchat with a client led to her crying during her session (nothing to do with me, just a question I asked: "how are you?"), a feeling I am more than familiar with. I also know all about anger at oneself for crying in said session, so I let her recover and waited to talk more after her session ended, even though I barely know the woman. Doesn't matter, I thought. ASKING for help is nearly impossible, this I know. Wouldn't it help me to be approached and offered help even from a mere acquaintance? So I went up to her and we chatted a little more thoroughly, and I told her she could talk to me if it would help, we could do coffee, I completely know how she feels, and did my best to convey the most important words I would like to hear: you're not alone. Because I absolutely know that is how she feels. That is how I feel, and even though I met up with my two most beloveds today, I didn't, couldn't bring it up, how low I've been. Because the tears will start, and I'm so motherfucking tired of tears.

*I'm coming to realize something about Chief: he used to be my therapist, my problem-solver, my mood-booster, not just my janky-body-magician. But having semi-private sessions has removed a lot of that, with now only 1/4 of my session time being just us, and oh also he's my boss now, so I feel like I should hide some of my pure raw emotion, like I can't let him see what a complete emotional disaster I am right now, lest he regret ever hiring me, and doubt my ability to perform my job. I of course have no idea what he really thinks but naturally I assume the worst, because self-hate. So, without my therapist, here I am, letting everything burrow deeply and seeing disaster in every setback.

**Another bestie moving away, all the way to San Diego. I feel like I have lost so many friends in the past few years, Juliet, Terri, Amy, a couple more coming up this summer. But this one, this one is going to hurt as badly as losing my beloved Amy. Fiercely painful. Fiercely. It hurts already. At home, I finally let myself cry, and I fucking bawled like a baby, full-body wracking sobs. It is harsh news, and it is just about the worst time to hear it. She had become my new therapist. And she's leaving.

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