Monday, February 29

Body: Meh. Pain points all a little bit better. Rest day. 

Brain: Meh. Low spots (frustrated books) and high spots (helpful fixing of books). Good coworker convos. Kind to myself. Kind message from SM. Reading time with super cuddly pets. 

Sunday, February 28

Body: Not enough sleep, got up tired & a bit cranky - dogs don't let me sleep in on the ONE DAY I can? Jerkfaces. Little aches everywhere, feeling pretty janky, nothing major though. Basement lifting was not great. Not terrible, but I aimed too high and failed. Took a long nap (2 or 3 hours, sources disagree [me & hubs]) and continued feeling janky, though better rested.

Brain: Meh. Okay in the morning. little lower after session, better after nap. Much reading & writing accomplished, along with much pet snuggling.

Saturday, February 27

Body: Awake h/s/g at 1a. I blame the sobfest at 7p. Took a long while to fall back, but then I managed to sleep until 6a. Thanks, Hankypank! Didn't really want to run, but wanted to escape into some sunshine, so I did what I could. Had some deep right glute anger afterward. Mild, but it actually made me glad I hadn't gone farther or ran more, because I do NOT want running to mess with tomorrow's lifting. Shoulders both a bit better, left hip improving slightly.

Brain: Okay. Sleeping in, sunshine, some silly texting with Chief, these things all helped me make it to work. Really hoped the run would magically feel easy, but it didn't, which was not a surprise. Mostly kept my perspective. Left a touch early, got to play some fetch and find the ball that Lexi had lost a couple months back. But then I had to drive hubs to get his truck in Villard, and that was shockingly draining. I didn't feel like I had energy to DRIVE. Ugh. After supper, went directly to couch and watched documentary on national parks, with zero brain power left. So fucking tired of feeling like this.

Friday, February 26

Body: A little janky all over. Tight low back that I just can't fully stretch lately. Shoulders both okay, the weirdness in right upper back from Wednesday already gone. No movement, other than walking a couple of blocks.

Brain: Started a bit on the low side for unknown reasons, went a bit lower when Chief bailed early* for a sick kid, then stabilized thanks to coworkers & clients, then lunched with a bestie who dropped a bombshell**, nearly cried many times in reaction, then stabilized thanks to coworkers, then coffee with my BB, then silence & pets at home.

At work, a short chitchat with a client led to her crying during her session (nothing to do with me, just a question I asked: "how are you?"), a feeling I am more than familiar with. I also know all about anger at oneself for crying in said session, so I let her recover and waited to talk more after her session ended, even though I barely know the woman. Doesn't matter, I thought. ASKING for help is nearly impossible, this I know. Wouldn't it help me to be approached and offered help even from a mere acquaintance? So I went up to her and we chatted a little more thoroughly, and I told her she could talk to me if it would help, we could do coffee, I completely know how she feels, and did my best to convey the most important words I would like to hear: you're not alone. Because I absolutely know that is how she feels. That is how I feel, and even though I met up with my two most beloveds today, I didn't, couldn't bring it up, how low I've been. Because the tears will start, and I'm so motherfucking tired of tears.

*I'm coming to realize something about Chief: he used to be my therapist, my problem-solver, my mood-booster, not just my janky-body-magician. But having semi-private sessions has removed a lot of that, with now only 1/4 of my session time being just us, and oh also he's my boss now, so I feel like I should hide some of my pure raw emotion, like I can't let him see what a complete emotional disaster I am right now, lest he regret ever hiring me, and doubt my ability to perform my job. I of course have no idea what he really thinks but naturally I assume the worst, because self-hate. So, without my therapist, here I am, letting everything burrow deeply and seeing disaster in every setback.

**Another bestie moving away, all the way to San Diego. I feel like I have lost so many friends in the past few years, Juliet, Terri, Amy, a couple more coming up this summer. But this one, this one is going to hurt as badly as losing my beloved Amy. Fiercely painful. Fiercely. It hurts already. At home, I finally let myself cry, and I fucking bawled like a baby, full-body wracking sobs. It is harsh news, and it is just about the worst time to hear it. She had become my new therapist. And she's leaving.

Thursday, February 25

Body: Face is breaking out again, and it's either AZ or protein powder (has stevia) or both. I will keep up the protein and see if that's it, because I need more damn protein in my diet.

Right rib/shoulder better though not quite normal. Left shoulder better, didn't think about pool noodle while driving. Hips felt a little improved but still some weirdness in left, really thinking it's sartorius. 

Had a solid session with Dustin, deadlifts feeling easy, 185 all "I could do this all day, bitchez." Almost psyched myself out since 235 pinned me a few weeks ago, but I managed 235x2, and had more in the tank. FAH a tiny bit backward.

Brain: More solid, thanks to a great NSS day. Had some low moments, but much rarer than the past weeks. Pets time, reading time, hubs time.

Wednesday, February 24

Body: Arms sore in an odd way, and I think it's from Monday night's prowler pushes? In the early AM (before breakfast, even) I was stretching the whole body, like a kitty, when something in my right shoulder blade area twitched weirdly (rib?). I immediately let off the stretch because it felt badly, but it also kind of felt like it does when popping knuckles or getting your back into place by a doc, that little hurt before relief - but I stopped shy of relief, and it stayed hurty. I laid on my back (felt good), and dug in with a tennis ball & the wall (ouch), and then just left it alone at work, occasionally stretching. Got very tired by noon already, like I could've laid my head on my desk and been out cold (even at a standing desk!), and brain was turning useless, so I was unusually kind to myself, and went home for a two-hour nap with my kittens. Got up feeling rested. 

Brain: Low. Tired of little physical injuries like the shoulder, which I just KNOW are because of my mental stresses, that my body is not repairing properly from the physical stress I put on it because of all the cortisol I'm flooding it with. I know that I need to stop internalizing everything, I know that I need to change the stories I tell myself, but lawd, I dunno HOW to change the chatter. It hasn't always been this way. I don't know when it started, but I want it to end. I'm reading what seems to be a really good book for dealing with it. Wish me luck.

Made a lunch date with Heidi since we aren't running pooches tonight. Texted with BK for the first time in what felt like ages. Trying to put my people back into my life, but in so many ways it seems like monumental effort to engage with people. 

Post-nap solitude was glorious. Good talk with hubs. 

Tuesday, February 23

Body: Hips are still janky. Left feels like it may be the sartorius muscle, extending down toward the inner knee, but right hip is just pinchy up in the hip flexors. (Chris, today, was boggled that lunges are okay but squats aren't. Me too, buddy.) Left shoulder quite a bit more crank than it was a week ago, although nothing in session bothered it. Needed pool noodle on drive home, badly.

Brain: Dustin talked about me coaching again, and I was not brave. I could not open up, because I knew that I would cry, and I can not stress how tired I am of crying at that poor man. Self-talk afterward of course brought my brain low, I could not focus on the positive (they want me!), only the negative (I suck!). Then for my session, Dustin shifted me to Mike, then Mike shifted me to Chris, and while logically I know it was nothing personal, in my head, CIV insisted it was personal. Chris was fine, although I found it quite comical that he asked if I had ever considered whether stress impacts capacity; I am intimately familiar with this issue, friend! I know all about it, yet I hate it, and I hate admitting this rule applies to me; I insist on believing I will not be affected by tax season as badly as I truly will, and when it happens, I can't cope. After my session, the coaches all gathered to talk programming, leaving me feeling decidedly OTHER once again, and I didn't cope well. Short convo with Dustin at the end of the day helped to right me even though it was nothing about me; just talking about things I know & some silliness, it helps.

After work I went to the library and picked out three books focused on self-worth, comparison, and confidence. I hope it helps. If not, I need to see a therapist. I think I used to get my therapy from running with my beasties, and I cut that out of this year's program. Maybe that wasn't a great decision.


Monday, February 22

Body: Since coming up the stairs basement yesterday afternoon, left calf has acted like it might cramp up. Was worried about it for Prowler Hour, but it was just fine. Left shoulder a little bit cranky while driving.

Brain: Meh. Super busy, and tired of difficult returns...missing the days when I got easy stuff! I left work equally wanting to go to Prowler Hour to see everyone, and also home to the couch to do nothing at all. Self-doubt: literally, walking toward the door at NSS, I was wondering if I was actually welcome, maybe not, maybe I should go home. I hate that feeling. I am glad I went, because I got to chitchat with many peeps, and I got to give Rose a hug. 'Twas lovely.

Sunday, February 21

Body: Got up short on sleep (went to bed late due to movie, then up at 5a with dogs, tried to go back to sleep but they needed out again before 6a, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS JERK), and cranky, and a little creaky. In the basement, my warm-up and TGUs weren't feeling awesome, but then I killed all the lifts and returned upstairs feeling like a superhero. I also promptly ate a big lunch and then took a 2-hour nap.

The deadlifts especially made me so happy. My BB deadlift PR was set in my powerlifting meet of (4? 5?) years ago. Then I think I got hurt or something put me out of deadlifts altogether (maybe all that foolish Boston Marathon training), then I tried to go back to heavy on the BB last summer and got hurt, so instead I went inside the trapbar, where I progressed up to 300. I then returned to the BB, but Chief has kept me on blocks, first at 4" and now at 2". At home, meanwhile, I've been pulling from the floor and basing my weights on both the prior Thursday with Chief and how I feel that Sunday. I'm so pleased that it is proving to work! Especially after the recent couple of weeks with the cranked neck and bout of depression, it's wonderful to feel significant progress.

I still can't squat without pinching in the hip flexors, but since lunges seem to be a fun challenge for now, whatevs. I know I should be doing something about this, and I know a visit to James or even just concentrated sessions of mobility & stretching can help, but I have been so seriously shot every night I get home from DBB that I just...can't. Maybe if the depression remains at bay I can find some mental strength to do what I should be doing.

Brain: Mostly good, despite the little tangent above. I didn't leave the house. I lifted heavy weights. I read some. I had a fabulous nap with my kitties snugged in tightly. I got minimal chores done and didn't care that it "wasn't enough." I wrote some and didn't care that it wasn't perfect.

Saturday, February 20

Body: Woke at 3a or so, but didn't need to get up. DID get a cat claw in my nose, though, as Oscar reached out to give me a tap on the face but for some awful reason did so with his claws out. JERK! Then Hanky began whining and prancing at an unholy 445a. I decided to throw his ass out and crawl back into bed, but on my way to let him out, I tripped on hubs' boots, swore enough to make a sailor blush, and was firmly, angrily awake. NOT PLEASED about the low sleep (7 hours) that I blame on the huz. Fact: EVERY MALE IN MY HOUSE SUCKS TODAY.

Had planned to join the candlelight hike out at LCSP with hubs & pooches after work, but as usual, I arrived home drained and wanting only my spot on the couch.

Brain: Okay, well, up too damn early, extremely cranky (took all the coffee with me, sorrynotsorry, hubs), and thus at work early (630a), but declaring my 100% intention to also leave work early, as I drovein. And then I got there...and wanted to cry at the immense pile of work.

A helpful coworker laughingly said they want to try to get me there full-time - I laughed much harder at that than at anything else this morning. Not for even six figures would I leave NSS! NO WAY. I like the people there very much, and I like the work, but it constantly overwhelms me. I have already been wondering if I can handle many more tax brain is just too weak, it seems, and what is the point of hating life 25% of the time? It's the only one I have, I'm not going to hate it that much. NO FUCKING WAY.

Made it through the pile I needed to move today, and it only took me 10.2 hours. That means I did NOT leave early, and I arrived home 12 hours after I left, which for me means: I have nothing left to give. I ate supper, I read a bit with the cat in my lap, and then hubs & I watched a movie that went too late. It's all I had.

But it was still a much better day than where I was a week ago. Depression is slowly lifting.

Friday, February 19

Body: Still some glute soreness. Tightness in QLs, lower back. Hip still pinches. Right neck a little tighter than yesterday. (That's a lot to report on.) Woke h/s/g at 1am but fell back easily after the half cookie, water, bathroom visit.

Brain: Decent, but tired & unmotivated by noon already. A little cranky. Not sure why.

Weighed myself today for the first time in probably a year, and am 150, not 145 as thought. I don't actually CARE what I weigh (95% of the time), but that means my bodyweight bench press goal just went from 145 (which I missed a couple weeks ago) to 150. GAH.

The day finished off on high notes, though: left work a few minutes early (what?!) for a date with the hubs. We took in the 4:10 pm showing of Deadpool (awesome, as enthused by Chief, BK, & Justen), and took out supper from Qdoba, to be eaten in front of begging doggies at home. And I still had time to read, with a Clyde in my lap and fake ice cream going into my belly.

Thursday, February 18

Body: Hip still there, right shoulder still a bit tight. Session went really well, though. Yay! Some left shoulder angst toward end of day.

Brain: So much better, I can't even tell you. Woke at 3a to a HUBS AT HOME and snuggled. Woke him up after I breakfasted so I could have a good day - and I did. I felt normal. It was super dee duper wonderful to just feel NORMAL. More of that, hopefully. Had a good day of work (although I felt like I accomplished nothing, for some reason), which included coffee with CJ and a very normal session and more chitchat than usual with Timmy, and at the end of the day I was a listening ear to a coworker who doesn't normally chat a lot with me. It was so damn nice to feel like myself. Some silly texting, and a weekend date planned with the hubs. Couch time with my critters and a book: happiness.

Wednesday, February 17

Body: Sore from lunges. Didn't think about hip all day. Didn't think about neck until 7pm; it is just a touch tight. 

Brain: Stable. Lovely message from Dustin in response to me telling him I'll come in late tomorrow because I need to see hubs. Said hubs on his way home, potentially home by midnight! So much work I can't really think/dwell which is important in such times. But I still decided to try something, and wrote messages on my knees. (What, weirdo? Why?) Well, because then when I am hiding in the bathroom where I could cry...there are messages reminding me why I don't need to. And I needed it after all, because the morning was spent working on a tax return that was a convoluted metric ton of disaster that made me feel like I must be a fucking moron. But by the end of the day I felt victorious, and grateful that I am not the boss man who has to call and tell the dude he owes the government $170k - in two weeks. Some FB silliness, some text silliness, some fake ice cream and a good book...a much better day.

Tuesday, February 16

Body: Still a touch achey from Sunday. Left hip still a bit there getting out of car; not sure whether it was better for a while, or I just didn't notice due to neck. Awake most of 1a-3a, thinking of work, of convos, of me sucking, of depression. Slept a bit late. Lifting went much better than it had any right to, and the endorphins actually lasted a good hour, highlight of my day.

Brain: Got up feeling depressed again. Very low and right on top of tears, and remained there all day.

Here is something depression does: 

Last week I said that I could work an expo for NSS in April, one that we've done for a few years. Today Dustin said he was fine if we skipped it, up to me, he didn't care either way. 

Logical me is guessing he doesn't want me to work on a Saturday given my clear state of mental imbalance, but I couldn't actually ask, because I didn't want to bawl at him again. 

(I'm so tired of burdening him with my emotions. I am ashamed of my nonstop emotions.) 

Anyway, my non-logical interpretation, how I felt, was that he doesn't want me to represent NSS, that he doesn't want me in a booth, that "no one" is a better choice than me

Rejection by one of my beloveds, by my most precious, priceless tribe. 

They don't want me.

THAT is what I'm living with in my head. 

I cried so many times today; I think every time I was hidden in a stall I lost the battle to fight back tears. I cried walking to my car after work. I cried all the way home. I cried playing fetch with the dogs. I cried sitting on the couch writing this. 

I hate feeling like this. I know this is depression and I know depression lies and I know it will get better. 

But I don't know WHEN it will get better, because I don't know why it's so bad right now. 

If you've never had depression, this is what it feels like: the voice in your head is the cruelest cunt you have ever heard. 

The voice tells you that you're stupid, you're fat, you're ugly, you're slow, you're rude, you're unwelcome, you're unlovable, you're the worst, the absolute fucking worst. 

And the voice tells you this all day long. 

Every single day. 

Every second of every day, there is hate being spewed in your brain. 

At you. 

Sometimes it quiets, like when I get great sleep and I feel loved and the good voices in my real life drown out the fictitious cunt.

But lately, nothing drowns her out. 

I am alone. I am lonely. 

All I have is her voice, and it's loud, insistent, and determined to convince me she is right. 

I can sort of understand how people turn to drugs, to cutting, to dangerous risks, to suicide, to anything that will turn off that voice. I understand the urge for a physical pain to distract the mind from the barrage of cruel words. 

I'm not there, thankfully. I know that it's the voice of depression, and I know that depression lies. 

But I don't know how to shut that fucking cunt up.  

Monday, February 15

Body: Some sore muscles from yesterday's lifting: upper back, glutes, QLs (though that may be from standing?). More sitting than usual today, due to tax interviews. Got NINE hours of sleep by setting my alarm late and seeing what happened. I woke at my usual 5a, thought I'd doze for a while and somehow it was 6a before I looked again. Whoa! Luckily, getting to work 45 minutes later than normal is still WAY early for that place. And I think I'll keep doing that on my taxy mornings...assuming, of course, Hank allows it.

Brain: Much better. Capable. Busy with work and no time to dwell on anything. Some texting & email & FB silliness. Work task that had made me anxious - but that went well. Excitement for the work, despite the stress at the overload. Quiet time with critters & a good book. 

Sunday, February 14

Body: Woke h/s/g at 2a thanks to the high-cal supper, but I slept for a whopping TEN hours and got up feeling quite decent. Still some tightness in the neck/trap, but again an improvement over yesterday. Hip feels like nothing during daily life, though still an inkling of the crank in BW squats during my warm-up. I did feel the RIGHT hip (ferreal, what's up here?) a touch in lunges, so I limited them to three sets, but somehow I had a pretty kickass bench & deadlift. Later on I took the pooches for a walk. It didn't feel great, being such a battle of wills. As wild as they get in the woods, it's better there than in town. Not enjoyable. Pretty lazy the rest of the day, chores and reading. Heating pad on trap any time I couched it. No ibuprofen. 

Brain: Meh.

Big ups, like when lifting went well, so much better than expected. I almost didn't even try for fear of "failing," but I asked myself what Dustin would do, and the answer was "Figure out what's painless, and do that." So I did, with immense gratitude to the mini-Chief in my head. Chores knocked out. Tracking besties in their toasty marathon. Happiness while reading a fluff book with Clyde in my lap. 

But also big downs, like not understanding why I am so completely depleted that the sky fell on Thursday, why can't I maintain perspective, why am I so worn down by tax season when others are fully capable of so much more, why do I suck so badly, etc. I am stuck in this pit of hating myself most of the time. When there is a vicious, evil bully inside your brain declaring your worthlessness every single can you possibly hope to feel normal? 

Saturday, February 13

Body: Neck/trap still a little tight, but it wasn't so bothersome overnight. Have high hopes for relatively happy lifting tomorrow. Also, think I forgot to log the ghee I've been testing, made in banana-bread muffins, and eating without reaction. Cool! Next I will try just plain butter. I don't actually miss anything about butter, but it would be nice to put a pat on French toast now & then. For supper I loaded up on pizza and AZ, for once less of a mental need and more of a physical experiment.

Brain: Doing okay, but I woke up from intense dreams in which I recall receiving a lot of hugs, and then spent my morning feeling lonely and acutely missing the hubs. 5 more days before he returns, and also 4 more Saturdays (including today) before I get a proper 2-day weekend. I'm not sure how I'll make it to either of those, but it's not like I can change any of it, so how do I stop dwelling? It occurred me that I could bail early today, since I seem to need it, do what? My people are all gone, or busy with their own lives. Sigh of loneliness. And today hubs kindly says he misses me, but unfortunately, I know that he misses me much differently than I miss him, and it doesn't feel like he misses ME at all - I'm very frustrated with MALES and also frustrated with myself for being such a FEMALE.

Side note: how in the fuuuuuuck did I ever train for a marathon during tax season? I mean, I know it never went well, but how did I ever even make it out the door? I can't fathom. I'm trying very hard not to hate this weakness, this inability to handle it, but I look at others who don't have this massive struggle to work this much, and it's really hard not to deduce I suck. Why can they do what I can't? Why can't I do what I want to do?

Friday, February 12

Body: Neck/shoulder/traps were a bit of a problem overnight, and when I woke h/s/g at 130a (and not surprised about it), I took some more outdated ibuprofen. Didn't need any after getting up for the day, though, as it had improved greatly: back to the right side only, and merely tight rather than painfully locked up. Considered logging the missed FAHs, but decided to let them go. Laziness in the eve after a long workday.

Brain: Managed to start the day in a better place than I ended Thursday, though still fairly low. Lunched with Timmy & Mac, but that didn't help a whole lot. What DID help was afternoon chitchat with Dustin, although I fully resisted at first, as he was asking questions that made me want to just bawl; afternoon tiredness led me that close to full depletion again. But then he steered it off into other directions and it was just a nice convo about everything from software to muscle-ups to taxes to vacations. I just seriously love that guy, he is truly as important to me as my family. Plus that's TWO boss-boy convos in one week that fully reinforce how vital NSS is to me. I followed THAT with an extended chitchat with Miss Paige, and I went about my few errands with newfound energy. At home, I stumbled across something I decided to nominate the boss boys for, so I spent well over an hour writing about how awesome they are. THAT was a way to cap off a day: full of love, wrapped in it, reveling in it.

Thursday, February 11

Body: Got out of bed hurting pretty good from the run: deep left glue, left foot. Bleah; Lexi moved better than I did this morning! It went away, mostly. Left hip felt a little improved, shoulder actually felt a LOT improved, and then in my session I fell apart. So hard not to just curl into a ball and bawl. I'm just so frustrated with my body. WHAT am I doing WRONG?!

Brain: The day started really well: coffee w/ CJ, busy doing misc admin-y things, perfecting my kickass spreadsheet, fab meeting with Mike about a couple marketing things & website additions, delegated a task I didn't want to do anyway, got a free turkey egg from Dustin. And then the session made me fall apart pretty hard. Held myself together better than I expected, but it was always RIGHT THERE, just under the surface. I hate how I can have zero perspective on things like this, my brain just always jumps to OH NO NOT AGAIN, HOW MANY MONTHS THIS TIME and I don't know how to change that. Hating on myself tonight, body & brain both.

Wednesday, February 10

Body: Slight ache in glutes due to lunges: I'll take it! Hips feeling better. Shoulder a bit crank while sleeping, but not bad, given yesterday's bench. Yesterday registration opened for the Wild Duluth 50k. Today, I was the first registrant. No time to dawdle and question the smarts of it, I AM DOING THIS THING and the decision has been made. Evening run with my beasties went well, but the last mile was sketchy on the right ITB, and afterward the left-ham insertion area, way up in the glute, was twangy. Not cool.

Brain: Solid. Busy day o' taxes, lunch with the parents - I almost said no because needed to leave early to run, but I asked myself, "Does the extra half hour lunch break MEAN anything?" and realized NO IT DOES NOT. I have to shuck the heavy-ass cloak of responsibility and do what I need to do, and I know this, but it's hard. The run was delightful fun with my ol' running pals chitchatting about the silly road marathon they're running on poor training, in 90F. And we talked dogs and my dogs did really well and it was just wonderful, only missing BK & BL to really perfect it. Silence at home: golden.

Tuesday, February 9

Body: Decent, but hip is still there somewhat, so I deferred squats again. Shoulder has been better, usually don't think of it while driving anymore, though still using the pool noodle on the couch. Session was okay, although pull-ups went down (conclusion: too fat) and bench was yet another fail (conclusion: so weak), but I didn't fall apart. Actually felt rather MEH about it.

Brain: Fine. Doing much better than even a week ago, but still on the low end of "me." A small piece of the stress I keep feeling seems to be the unending "to do" lists at both jobs. Tax season will ALWAYS have a never-ending pile to weed through that I need to forget about; I honestly can't think past the next return without wondering how in the FUCK it will all get done, so I should stop bothering to think that far, right? At NSS, I should be thankful I feel this way, that a 5-hour/week job turned 24-hours isn't leaving me bored. But there is a huge project I'm trying to work on that just drains me (software that I hate and would decline if we didn't already have/use it...and yes, I'm aware of "sunk costs" fallacy) so I tend to avoid it for all the fun stuff, some of which I could delegate - so meanwhile it's nearly mid-February and I've made SO LITTLE progress compared to where I thought I could be a year ago when this was going to become a real job. I'm mad at myself and the shitty software and the feeling of total uselessness.

Anyway, though, brain is fairly stable; was able to go home and knock out chores like a hair-cut, sweeping & vacuuming, and writing instead of reading. Go me!

Monday, February 8

Body: Feels decent. Hank wanted out at a nonsense 4a, so my sleep wasn't great, but I was able to keep dozing until just past 5a. No workout, as I didn't get home until 12+ hours after I left.

Brain: Good. Was pleased to arrive at DBB and learn I did NOT have appointments today, as I am not excited about doing them (anxiety, pressure, etc). Busy day of work I like, followed by Dad's bookwork, followed by an empty house: book finished!

Sunday, February 7

Body: Slept much better after a protein-based supper. Woke a couple times, but never needed to get up. Lifting went okay: lunges instead of squats, decent bench, mediocre deadlifts, brain fine with all of it. Snatches were pretty fantastic: did 110 in 5 minutes with about a full minute of rest included. Hot damn! No PWO nap, didn't need one - that's unusual.

Brain: Got to start the day paying bills and cleaning up my financials, and these things make me happy. Fun with lifting. All planned chores completed, never left the house, had hours to read the book my BB recommended (LOOOVE), snuggles with pets, and time with hubs before he disappears down to FL for 10 days. Pretty much a perfect Sunday.

Saturday, February 6

Body: Woke h/s/g again. I think this is happening because my suppers are too carb-filled, which is challenging to change because my brain seems to Need Carbz. But I am out of potato chips, so I will keep them out, and that shall help get me back on track with protein & veg as primary intake. RIGHT hip was pinchy on steps today, are you goddamn kidding me?

Brain: Another Saturday at the tax firm while everyone else plays. So, you know: awesome. Actually it wasn't so bad, was able to fix up a messy QB file and do the return in only 9 hours, compared to 16 for the same file last year - win! At home, ate with the hubs, read on the couch with the hubs & Clyde, and laughed at the Hankster.

Some things I'm finding to help the brain: shut off the audiobook sometimes. Too much constant chatter in my background is bad. Have been avoiding the NS podcasts to see if that helps the body image issues. Been hiding even more people on FB - which results in less time on FB, so there's a win inside the win. Using my "sunlight" lamp thingy in the mornings as I get ready. Regular intake of supplements: dessicated liver, cod liver oil, & vitamin D (as espoused by Stefani [and others]). It's all helping.

Friday, February 5

Body: Tired, tight, crank. Woke at 230a h/s/g, and had to get up. But YAY, I managed to do yoga when I got home, which was super impressive despite it being a very easy video (I did something!), yet it also felt demoralizing, as my body feels entirely out of whack, tight just everywhere. I need to do at least a weekly round of yoga. Maybe since it's not too physically demanding, it is something I can do on a lifting night (I get home earlier those nights, and with more mental energy left over).

Brain: Okay. Fine. Busy. Meh. Yoga helped a little, with silly pets in my way. Finished another book, with cuddly Clyde in my lap.

Thursday, February 4

Body: Feeling fair, better than Tuesday in terms of left hip pinch, and session went well, but couldn't hit the deadlift PR. Close, but the bar drifted forward, and although I was strong enough to hold it & shift myself backward to try to save it, I couldn't. When Dustin asked if I wanted to try again, I didn't want to "not row" so we moved on*. At home, I took one of my new library books downstairs and spent time biking & reading, then stretched the hips, because even the right one was a bit crank today. Started double dose of Vitamin D today.

Brain: Still not very good. Being at NSS helped, especially since we got Trav's for my 4-year anniversary (of starting VERY part-time), but after the session I almost started crying in the bathroom, just feeling like "why does my body suck, why am I so weak, I can't deadlift 235 from blocks even though there are bitches who can SQUAT that, oh, and I can't even squat because my body sucks, because I suck. Will I ever be good at this? It's not fair! I'm weak AND fat AND ugly AND lame AND," cue tears. I repeated to myself, "Depression lies. Depression lies. Depression lies." over and over and over until I could blink the tears away.

*RE: deadlift attempt, part of the reason I didn't want to try again is that I didn't want to FAIL again. I already failed at a PR on Tuesday. I didn't need to fail twice at a PR on Thursday.

Work meeting helped my brain recover somewhat, not being able to hear the cunty internal voice helps so much. Met my BB at the library to get my egg delivery, and then together we browsed books, and those things helped my brain immensely.

However, a thing I noted at the library, was standing and looking at the new releases, I saw a book on my list, and I nearly grabbed it, but I thought to myself, "Well, I'll let someone else read it instead. I don't need to take something off the main display here. There's other stuff on my list." Now, is that me being generous and letting someone else discover the joy of author Melanie Benjamin, or is that me feeling unworthy of taking the latest & greatest? I would like to say it's the former, but I can't argue with the truth of the latter.

Wednesday, February 3

Body: Woke h/s/g at 2a...been a while since that has happened. Feeling some soreness from the lunges but nothing in shoulder. Hip is weird. Must go home and do some mobility stuff...but didn't. Tired again and just couldn't care. My brain is being destroyed by the long taxy days.

Brain: Meh. Busy workday. Not good, not bad.

Tuesday, February 2

Body: About 7a, I squatted to a bottom drawer at NSS, and the hip was immediately crank. So much so that I couldn't squat the BB without pain, so Chief modified me. But bench was buttah and we tried for a PR, but it wasn't perfectly-grooved, so I couldn't. But it felt good to try. Laziness at home, but I didn't hit the couch until 7p, thinking the QL tightness is related to couch time. Fucking body.

Brain: Not that good. Not low, but can't get high. Not depression, but gazing at it. Focusing on max sleep, max reading of fluff, and avoidance of all things body image. May have to stop posting on other blog for a while, because it's a bit of a trigger. Dunno.

Monday, February 1

Body: Fine. Hip better. Shoulder better. No workout option, eve RFL meeting. Tired.

Brain: Tired. Impatient. Disliking tax season. Nearing crank levels. Being as kind to myself as possible: low on commitments, high on quiet book-reading time. But still.

Sunday, January 31

Body: Slept in nearly an extra hour: glorious. Got up feeling a touch achey in feet, but rest was good. Had a fabulous lifting session in the basement, but I couldn't squat without pain, except BW. So, whatevs. Got a tiny additional workout by helping move equipment at NSS.

Brain: Slow moving morning, hubs gone so it was silent unless I made noise, which I did. Been listening to the Nia Shanks podcast: highly recommend, BUT it's a bit of a trigger for me. Dangerous. Good session. Good fun helping at NSS. Napped with the kitties. Read a lot. Sundays are my best days. Logged my last Hank Squat for the month!