Monday, December 5

Body: Slept okay, woke but didn't need to get up. Feeling pretty creaky but session went very well; PR in squat and thanks to my slightly lower bodyweight, a PR in bench!

Brain: Really good. Two days to Mexico!

Sunday, December 4

Body: Slept very badly, in too late and struggled mightily to fall asleep. Logged some lightweight lifting that felt significantly harder than it should've, so I made it about half the usual length. Then a nice, solid, very long nap.

Brain: Tired. A stressful handful of minutes when we realized Hank was running beyond the yard. Naughty little brat, but just following the example of neighbor dogs roaming far & wide yesterday, I suppose. Lovely nap with kitties, and Hank as well! Packing for Mexico, excited as anything about it, but hoping the body comes back around before then.

Saturday, December 3

Body: Feeling okay, but a little draggy. Got a normal lightweight workout, but would never have been able to manage a heavyweight version. Got a decent nap in. Managed to stay out until midnight, something I can't normally do.

Brain: Good. Got some things done, got Dad's bookwork done, got a nap, got to read. Got to hang out with a bunch of previous TS peeps at the wine bar. Caught up and had some wonderful conversations and enjoyed the decaf which may have been whole caf, given how it left me feeling.

Friday, December 2

Body: Wide awake at 3a, and a monkey mind, just got up and went to work at 530a rather than fall back and wake up groggy mid-cycle. Body felt okay, less draggy that I expected, but achey and MEH. Even logged snatches at the end of the day with CJ. Once home, though, I was BOOM exhausted.

Brain: Good despite poor sleep. On the edge of impatient and annoyed at times, but never fell down a deep hole. Got a lot of things done, got to coach a fun client, got to chitchat w/ Chief & Seej, and left work feeling pretty good. At home, pure laziness, and an early bedtime.

Thursday, December 1

Body: Woke about 230a, tossed & turned, finally got up around 3a for water, bathroom, calories. As usual, took ages to fall back, monkey mind, anger. Hank woke me up AFTER Hop had let dogs back in. I was a sad tired mess. Dehydrated and groggy and had to shake off a really shitty dream. Managed about 10 minutes of sun salutations and felt a little better as I moved, but still tired and weak. Spent the morning dragging, even took ibuprofen after a few hours because I was feeling so super creaky. Session still went magically well, press AND deadlift PRs, enough to make me ring the bell. Energy stayed good after that until home; but could've hit bed at 730p or so.

Brain: Tough morning, feeling so tired and the workload was starting to grind me down. Technology problems made me want to cry. Chief ditching me at the last second due to his own workload made me want to cry. Still nailing heavy press AND heavy deadlifts made me want to dance. Hooray! Wonderful team meeting which covered a lot of Mexico prep made me super duper hopeful that we can accomplish a lot, and happy that I'm there, and impressed as usual by the wise young Chiefs. Worked late as expected but got things done and got some play in, and left mentally energized.

Wednesday, November 30

Body: Again woke up at 2a or so, but didn't need to get up. But not waking easily in the normal time, hubs let the dogs out. Body was feeling a little creaky. Managed the yoga but it felt hard. Lightweight lifting was a good balance of sweaty but not heavy. Finished my November volume less than my "starry eyes" had hoped for, but most definitely above my norm. Not sure if it was TOO much above my norm, but I am starting to feel the effects of 9 straight workout days, and looking forward to Friday rest day.

Brain: Still good. Still quite busy and a bit overwhelmed, but staying organized and getting better at prioritizing. Expect a long 2 days yet, and possibly some weekend work, but totally will be worth it when I'm beaching with my favorites in MEHICO.

Tuesday, November 29

Body: Feeling good, and hit PRs in both squat & bench, and things just FELT GOOD besides. Happy little meathead. Managed morning yoga that felt good, but got bored after 10 minutes. I just do not have endurance at 630a. Didn't sleep well; woke 2a-ish, but didn't need to get up - but I had taken Benadryl. Not cool, body.

Brain: Very good. Bits of texty chitchat with besties. Busy workday. Chief all to myself for my session. Wonderfully fun time coaching.

Monday, November 28

Body: Feeling pretty good. Did my lightweight press & deadlift workout and it felt great. Did snatches for the first time since the TSC and they were like buttah.

Brain: Good. Busy, lots to do, lots done. Mexico trip means boss boy prep means Sabrina prep. Oof. This whole week is likely to be busy, but I'm ready for it, as the weekend is pretty quiet.

Sunday, November 27

Body: Got up feeling like hell again, but it improved some by the end of the day. (Two full days of creatine loading now.) Was pretty anxious about lifting, feeling so achey everywhere, but once again it went well and deadlifts were rather heavy but still doable: hooray! I hope creatine helps tendons too, because the elbows are a little whiny already.

Brain: Happy lifting. Lunch with Timmy. Shopping at Goodwill. Searched for Dustin's wanted book (literally read every spine on their shelves) and didn't find it but DID get three books on my "to read" list for a whopping $4.50. Also bought a hula hoop to bring to NSS. Practiced and nailed it ONCE but otherwise sucked and am okay with that! Chores done including some food experimenting; good thing it turned out because I'll probably eat it for about ten meals this week!

Saturday, November 26

Body: Slept in but got up feeling like HELL. Creatine arrived yesterday and I got one dose in before bed and thought I should wake up feeling like a superhero...but basically the opposite. Began loading phase with trust in the science. Smallish acne reaction to all the sugar in past two days, better than I expected, really. Lifting was a light day anyway and thankful for that. Wanted to take the pooches on a hike but another family Thanksgiving was required.

Brain: Good. Lots of chores done, family time, a good day other than the drive home in fog so thick I could only see two of the dotted center line at a time. Very disorienting, was so happy to find the driveway.

Friday, November 25

Body: Lots of good sleep again (thanks Benadryl) and still a little sore but lifting went very very well.  Even climbed the rope again since I was not a paying client at the time! Post lifting, all of us meatheads feasted at Trav's, then I got my one nap of the weekend.

Brain: Quiet morning with pets while Hop went to work. Lifted with my meathead coworkers and lunched with them and laughed myself one hell of an ab workout. Nap with kittehs. Movie night with hubs.

Thursday, November 24

Body: Slept in a little thanks to Hank being happily in bed with me. Little sore & achey again. Lightweight lifting in the basement before refueling with All The Protein and probably a little Too Much Sugar.

Brain: Birthday happiness: lots of messages, couple cards, generous parental gift, lots of food, birthday pictures, fun playing cards, came out a tiny bit ahead even.

Wednesday, November 23

Body: Fairly sore all over. Slept well though. Session went VERY well, with deadlifts continuing to love me back.

Brain: Wonderful. Treats day (BWCs & fudge) to celebrate my birthday. Two coaching sessions! Calm night at home. Hop went drinking so I let Hank sleep in the bed (so did the cats, long as he stayed on Hop's side).

Tuesday, November 22

Body: Feeling very good. Managing a little yoga most mornings.  Session went well. Still using Benadryl to sleep each night, and not willing to test going without. Ordered creatine today because it's supposed to help recovery.

Brain: Life is wonderful. Hence, not really even documenting daily life anymore, catching up days later.

Monday, November 21

Body: Slept great (thanks to Benadryl) and got up refreshed but traps are SUPER sore. Planned rest day anyway, after big weekend and with back-to-back heavy lifting coming up.

Brain: Excellent. Much work accomplished, good attitude, happy day. Coached my third client! Rose had specifically requested me and I just love her chipper attitude no matter what is happening in her life. She's a peach.

Sunday, November 20

Body: Got up feeling good after 10.75 hours of sleep, thanks partly to Benadryl and partly to the hubs sleeping on the couch so the pooches bothered HIM in the morning, not me. It was GAH-LOOORIOUS. Some aches from yesterday's bad butchering positions, but warm-up movements felt good and lifting went really well. Deadlifts are my beloved again! Napped/dozed in the afternoon, much laziness in the day. Thought about snowshoeing, but opted for that nap instead.

Brain: Good. Great lifting, chores done, usual Sunday. No guilt over not attending an event that "normal me" would feel massive guilt over. This past week was so overbooked, that my weekend simply could not be. Mentally, I couldn't afford it. See, I'm learning!

Saturday, November 19

Body: Benadryl let me sleep like a champ again. Got up feeling mostly good, although a little creaky. Lifting went really well, given that everything felt junky to start with. Moving on up with both squats & bench: YAY! Then spent the day butchering hogs, which was exhausting. My hands hurt, my feet hurt, and I'm shot. But I got half a pig for $70!


Brain: Good. A great lifting session, a fun day full of solid work with family, with less shitty political talk than I had expected, though there was still some. Got to see my furry little stepbrothers and give them some love. Human brother's GF & her kids were there, which is super fun, though I didn't get much time with them. At home: shot. Caught up on FB and then was spent, jislikedat.

Friday, November 18

Body: Woke H/S/G yet again, and took half a Benadryl while I was up, at 2am. Then I magically slept all the way until 7:20 which was a total shock. Got up feeling good but the doctor visit changed that. New IUD, many cramps. Blizzard driving added high tension and resulting exhaustion. Managed to work for a few hours, but didn't start feeling normal until it was time to go home.

Brain: Fair. The cramps and driving were again very draining. As I felt better, the brain did better. So grateful that Fridays are no longer my busiest workdays. At home, spent a tiny bit of time in the snow (fetch, shoveling, tiny-snowman-building), then watched a couple movies with the hubs. Good way to end the day.

Thursday, November 17

Body: Took a Benadryl and slept through the night, finally. Got up feeling good. Had a great session, even PRd on the OHP although I am still so frustrated by that damned lift. Even Chief knew that "it wasn't good enough" by my reaction.

Brain: Significantly better. Good sleep helps. Great workday. Fun coaching session again.

Wednesday, November 16

Body: Woke H/S/G again. What the hell? So frustrating. Felt awful much of the day, crampy innards despite steady ibuprofen. VERY tired. Couldn't muster energy for a workout and also didn't have much brain power. Thought about taking a walk but it sounded like too much work, somehow. Hid in a quiet office and sat all afternoon, working on a somewhat draining project. Dumb.

Brain: Low. So tired of the weird cramps and how draining that is. Mentally shot from the poor sleep for three straight weeks now. Part of the afternoon slump was me saving what little energy I had so that I could be bright and chipper at the finale. I was, and it was quite fun, although a disappointingly small turnout. The conversations were awesome, though.

Tuesday, November 15

Body: Woke H/S/G and had to get up. But woke up feeling okay. Decent energy, good lifting.

Brain: Good. Lots accomplished. Errands ran. Went to Dawn's to help make food for the finale tomorrow night. Very fun, but meant I went straight to the shower when I got home.

Monday, November 14

Body: Good. Slept like a champ. Did my mini-meatheading workout and it felt perfectly right.

Brain: Wonderful. Productive day and led a last TT workout for the SGC peeps.

Sunday, November 13

Body: Slept like a CHAMP, didn't wake up until the dogs whined at 6a. Glorious! Felt achey, legs feeling the squats big time. Still, lifting went mostly well; OH press still being a tough little bitch, but deadlifts feeling fabulous: hooray! Even found time to log a little yoga, and changed my plan from one yoga workout weekly to just sprinkling in 10 minutes after a lifting workout, literally get to 30 minutes by averaging 5 per day. I can do that! After lifting, the warm temps & blazing sun sent me LCSP-ing with the pooches for two hours. I literally wore a tank top for most of it. This weather is incredible. Also probably totally global warming and the end of us all - so we might as well enjoy it!

Brain: Excellent. A nice quiet day, solid lifting, lovely long walk (except for misbehaving pooches), much progress in a good audiobook, and chores knocked out. 

Saturday, November 12

Body: Slept through the night possibly thanks to the Benadryl. Got up a little tired (not long enough) but no crampy guts and no aches or pains, hooray! Logged an excellent lifting session, followed by a long chatty walk with my BB in unseasonably warm fall sunshine (still). Tried to nap but it was short.

Brain:Very good. Happy lifting. Lovely walk. Lots of BB time, with bonus GP & Woody visit. Kinda-nap with kittehs. Time to catch up on the emails and interwebz. Trying to make a new life rule for Facebook: Don't just "Like" anything - post an actual thought, and actually interact with people, rather than only consuming people's updates and pictures. Laziness in eve, camped out on couch and watched another movie.

Friday, November 11

Body: Woke h/s/g at 130a, got up for bathroom, water, piece of raisin bread. Fell back but took a while; angry that I forgot to take Benadryl. At 5a, woke to cramping guts. Happened once last week too, but then it went away as I moved around. Today it just got worse until I ate two ibuprofen and went back to bed. After about a half hour (not sleeping) it finally stopped. Low energy, moved slowly all day. The cramps resumed and required more ibuprofen 2 more times. It was kind of awful but when guts were calm I was okay, just feeling drained and slow.

Brain: Tired, drained, slow, hurting. Not able to be chipper. Got a lot done but also got stuck a lot. Left work promptly at 4 and came home to the couch. Curled up with Hanky and dozed for an hour on the couch. Then a bit of reading time plus 2 movies with the hubs so the brain could shut off.

Thursday, November 10

Body: Slept better thanks to the Benadryl; woke at 330a (but not H/S/G) after sleeping like a solid rock. Fell back relatively quickly until the dogs at 5a. Got up tired but a little better than yesterday. Think that I only needed 1 Benadryl, not 1.5. Energy was only okay all morning, but session went well and felt good (got to deadlift 225!) and the afternoon was better. On the drive home I realized I was physically tired but not so mentally tired.

Brain: Still feeling a little defeated, and anxious about my first SP coaching session tonight - tamping down the CIV with the mini-Dustin voice that has nothing but confidence. Went through the program with him in detail and then didn't think about it until the afternoon - minimize the anxiety. A good, productive work day. Trained my first two clients EVAH and it went pretty well. I just told myself to trust in Dustin. It flew by and I could hardly believe time was already up. They seemed to feel the same, and it was honestly very fun. I kinda loved it! I struggled with a few pieces of it but I would call them minor. I also talked with a client who had said she was hoping to train with me (she used to come to my TS workout classes) and said I could, but it would have to be different nights than now, and she said OKAY! She is super sweet and I will love working with her again. I love the happy people! Also spent time talking with a former TSer who was in the first layoff, and it was helpful to hear more about how this one went down and who got what. We both feel pretty awful, but she is one who is a shining example of having a better place now, so it's helping the brain to imagine a better future for all of them. Left work fairly late because of all the chitchat the slowness in annotating on my client programs (!) but I had nothing better to do anyway, so it was all good.

Wednesday, November 9

Body: Woke H/S/G, earlier this time, like 1a. Dogs up earlier too, 430a. WHYYYYY. Spent the day tired and low-energy. Cut Monday's workout roughly in half, and finished it feeling better than I started: victory. Will be taking Benadryl before bed tonight.

Brain: Actually excited to check the election results and was completely floored by them. I don't comprehend how this happened and now I wish I had been more vocal about my beliefs. (I've been voting Democrat since I was 9 and we "voted" back in grade school - I was all-in for Dukakis!) I'm sad that our new president is so hateful. Where is the love in the world? He sure ain't got none. That left me feeling drained at the start of my day, and then at noon my BB told me there had been another TS layoff, and this time she was in it. I spent the rest of the day feeling so chewed-up and sad, thinking back to the first layoff and how incredibly awful that time felt. Sad for everyone involved. Final night of TT was bittersweet: yay for being done earlier, boo for missing all those faces and the fun energy of it.

Tuesday, November 8

Body: Again crap sleep: woke H/S/G, plus dogs were prancing before 5a. Tracking calories, trying to find enough. Sore from yesterday but session went really well. Quite tired in eve; went to bed by 830p.

Brain: Started my day by voting while being insulted by an apparently sexist old dude. Great work day, much accomplished. Second frustrating male encounter; nothing personal but someone who makes my skin crawl and also heightens my awareness of how weak I am in comparison, where are the men around here to keep me safe, etc. I can't fathom being in such a state on a regular basis, like women likely were for many chunks of history and currently are in many areas today. My heart hurts for them; it's terrifying and stultifying and would kill me young if it was my norm to be that stressed every day. Sat in on an initial session with Dustin and as usual heard the CIV telling me there's no way I can do this, but was able to remind myself that Chief has 10 years on me, so of course he's going to be many times more amazing than me, that's not where I am expected to be, stop freaking out. Trying. Went to the library to find a yoga book of routines but they weren't what I wanted, so I guess I'll rely on YouTube. Somehow didn't have much time to read at home, probably because I kept combing the interwebz looking for reassurance that I wouldn't wake up to a terrible election result.

Monday, November 7

Body: Slept poorly, but feeling pretty good. Did a too-much workout that felt great at the time, but sweat & soreness doesn't make you better. Need to reduce the volume on the "off" days, get a better "training" and not a "workout" mentality.

Brain: Monday at NSS, no DBB, happy happy girl. Lots accomplished, fun workout times, fun team training. Silence at home.

Sunday, November 6

Body: Terrible sleep. Woke h/s/g and got up around 2a (old time? new time?). Tossed & turned a LOT before falling asleep. Body a little sore (left glute ache is back) but lifting was pretty good. Did not nap but did eat a lot again.

Brain: Fair. Went to do Dad's bookwork and ended up having to go all the way to him because they changed the lock three months ago - but I've been going while somebody has been there since last summer. Oh well, got to pet the pooches. Bonus found at grocery store: cinnamon-raisin bread by the fine folks who make my new sandwich bread, which means I'm testing that today! Lifting went well. Sat in the sunshine brushing pets; although not as nice as yesterday, still glorious. Wish it wasn't hunting season so I could take the pooches adventuring. Nice productive day.

Saturday, November 5

Body: Excellent sleep and got up feeling great. Some low-back tightness. Lifted like a champ and everything felt pretty much fantastic. Somewhat concerned I'll pay for it tomorrow, but ate a LOT of calories mid-day to try to combat it. Took a wonderful walk with Shannon in the sunshine and later sat reading in the sun to soak up the vitamin D. While doing floor slides I decided a weekly yoga workout is seriously in order. May do that on the weekdays I feel spent, or otherwise plan it for Friday afternoons. My ROM in some joints is rather sad and I'm turning into such a PLMH that I'm going to jack myself up without specific mobility work, and yoga seems like the most enjoyable way to get it.

Brain: Fantastic day. Bills paid up. Some panic at an impending cash flow crisis, but I knew it was coming. Lifting going so well (feeling so GOOD) was a giant high. Lunch & walk with Shannon was perfection no rush to get back to work like usual, and post-walk I think we stood there chatting for another 45 minutes. Reading & eating in the sunshine in the afternoon. Quiet bliss.

Friday, November 4

Body: Terrible sleep, h/s/g and had to get up at 3a. Most of this week has been like that, but this was the first night I actually had to get up. Been tracking my protein to make sure it's enough but I may have to track everything again? Ugh. I don't feel like I'm eating dramatically different, just trying to cut out the overeating, hard to imagine it's adding up to more than even 1000 calories per week in difference, yet it's enough to screw with my sleep? So frustrating. Body is still pretty sore, mostly in the lats. Like, gentle hugs only, please! Had a craving to work out, but after working late last night I decided I could bail an hour early today, so I met up with Timmy for a nice long chit-chatty walk at LCSP.

Brain: Lovely day at NSS because I am moving all the brain-intensive client billing to Mondays, so that when my coworkers are in chattery Friday mode, I don't hate them. WIN! Instead I worked on a lot of smaller projects and felt very accomplished. Also caught a "both boss boys" error in marketing and was able to fix everything before it went in front of the masses, WHEW. Lovely walk catching up with Lisa, and a giant "holy crap" to tank top walking weather in NOVEMBER. Finished another book in the eve, with all the pets snugged up close.

Thursday, November 3

Body: Pretty sore, probably mostly from the Wednesday workout. Session still went really well. Happy deadlifts!

Brain: Still wonderful. Beautiful fall weather, although I did errands before getting home so there wasn't much time to enjoy it, but it's making everyone's brain SO very happy. Lots of reading being done on these dark evenings. also making my brain so very happy.

Wednesday, November 2

Body: Pretty good. Some soreness but nothing unusual. Did a workout that was fairly high intensity, much like good ol' Spartacus, and it was fun, but probably not something I should do often.

Brain: My first "real" day as an NSS full-timer, because I wouldn't have been here otherwise. HAPPINESS! Super duper lovely. I did feel the LENGTH of the day, but putting in the workout at 12:30 helped mitigate. Lovely eve at home. Life is just do damned good right now.

Tuesday, November 1

Body: Feeling good although very sore hamstrings. Session went very well, squats better than I would have dreamed. Bench solid but not amazing. Added weight to pulls and still kicked ass at them.

Brain: Wonderful. First official day as a full-timer at NSS and enjoyed excitement from coworkers. Productive day. Errands after work followed by quiet time at home: lovely!

Monday, October 31

Body: A little fatigued; left glute still sore, and muscles now all feeling the weekend. Some low-back tightness. Nothing concerning.

Brain: LAST DAY AT DBB. Excited to be at NSS full-time of course, but wish I could go without completely leaving these peeps. However, it was not a very sad day - not full of hugs & tears. I do care about them, but they are not my TRIBE, the people that make me come alive. I am so stinkin' excited to spend everyday at NSS because that IS my tribe. TT in the eve, super fun times as always!

Sunday, October 30

Body: Got to sleep in all the way to 545a. Thanks, Hank! Good energy and only a bit tight from yesterday. Lifted my new Sunday version of meatheading, and even got the hubs to do some stuff. Went in feeling good, but the lifting felt hard and tired compared to yesterday. It felt like a lot of effort, whereas yesterday was basically easy. Felt some extra aching in left glute, the spot that got pulled last summer.

Brain: Solid. Chores all done, fun with lifting, puppy play date with KP & Kai, and even popped into NSS & got my inventory count done, in only 5 minutes. Winning! Eve reading with all the pets snuggled in. Super winning!

Saturday, October 29

Body: Took a while to fall asleep last night, and Hanky made me get up at 515a just like any other day. Learn about weekends, jerk! Body feels better than it did yesterday, although I seem to have some blisters from yesterday's walk, what now? Logged my first home meatheading workout of the winter plan and loved it. Finished feeling refreshed as though at NSS. Score! Solid nap after lunch, just because I could, not that I needed it so much.

Brain: Got some chores done early, updated my reading list thanks to Mark Fisher's list (I kind of want to be a female version of that guy), and then got to sling iron. Had zero desire to be out running, which is good, because I am firmly setting that aside for the winter, unless my Heidi moves home to be my running buddy again. Afternoon nap with all the critters. Lots of reading done. Supper out with the hubs at my favorite place.

I am fighting the Mexico beach body thoughts. I don't want to care, but I don't want dread being seen on the beach either. In trying to find myself a compromise, I've come up with this: lift like an idiot meathead. Make sure I'm eating enough to feel good. BUT, each week just cut out one food that I seem to have a problem with moderating. This week it's been potato chips. And yes, I miss them, and it helped me realize how often I relied on them to be my source of carbs. So there's awareness being added, not just pure deprivation. And I will allow them back into my life next week, with that added awareness. Easy win!

Friday, October 28

Body: Feeling a little sore from deadlifts, just tight though, nothing concerning. Also strangely sore in the shoulders from rows. Low energy in the afternoon, but it was a gorgeous day (61F!) so I went home to grab Hank, and we went for a long walk. It was quite lovely.

Brain: Mostly good. Got seriously frustrated by loud coworkers mid-day, all of them in Friday fuck-off mode while I was in my usual "I got so much to do!" mode. BB brought me eggs and in the course of that convo I realized I could shift the bulk of my Friday effort to MONDAYS. Then either my Friday is productive because everyone leaves early & it's quiet, or if everyone is fucking off then I can work on more mindless tasks instead. RELIEF.

Thursday, October 27

Body: Feeling a little sore yet from Tuesday. Neck/shoulder thing from yesterday is already gone? It was not a problem in session, which was delightful fun.

Brain: Truly wonderful. Fabulous work day, fabulous coworkers, fabulous session, fabulous meeting. Life is just so damned good. Posted on FB about the job change and received an overwhelming number of Likes & Comments. All the feels.

Wednesday, October 26

Body: Something got seriously jacked up in my left shoulder & neck overnight. Iced it on the commute and took ibuprofen which I pretty much never do. Got better throughout the day, but never totally gone.

Brain: Tired but okay. Two days left at DBB including today - whoop whoop! Struggled to accomplish anything. Nothing to do for much of the day, then a total brain slam. And so hungry. Fabulously fun time at TT.

Tuesday, October 25

Body: Still pretty sore from Sunday lifting. Today's session went really well, though. All progressing nicely, and hit double-digits with the pulls so I will bump up the KB weight.

Brain: Excellent work day, just wonderful. Got a few things done at home in eve, and started on a new book: yay!

Monday, October 24

Body: Slept like a champ. Feeling pretty sore from yesterday's workout; surprises me because it felt moderate at the time, and I thought the walk would make recovery even better. No dice.

Brain: Three days left at DBB including today. Very little to do, very little ambition to start anything. Just want to be at NSS! Eve TT was super fun times once again. Loving that so much.

Sunday, October 23

Body: Slept 830p-6a - now that's how you recover from a long day! Got up feeling really good, not at all drained. Success! Had an All The Things lifting session and loved it. Felt strong. Hatched a general training plan for the winter that doesn't include running. I'm accepting the lack of running partners and allowing a laser focus on lifting. I REALLY want to win that spring TSC. Because it was a gorgeous fall afternoon, I took Hanky for a walk at LCSP. Brought along my audio-book and went fast enough for it to be a genuine workout (not reflected in overall pace, as we had to stop for drinks and peeing (Hank, not me).

Brain: Excellent. Feeling good. Lifting heavy. Most chores accomplished. Sunshine. Fetch. Reading. Walking.

Saturday, October 22

Body: Sleep kind of choppy. Long fun/exhausting day at the meet, which did include time unloading barbells, but nothing like a workout today. Laziness at home.

Brain: Excellent. Meet day delight, thus super fun times, although I wish I'd been at the head table getting to experience every single lift. (Although that would have been thoroughly exhausting.) It went smoothly and was great fun. Again I was headed home on a beautiful evening and wishing I could take the dogs for a stroll, but didn't.

Friday, October 21

Body: Feeling good, no aches from yesterday. Last week the low back was tight from deadlifts, not today - woo hoo! Once again I packed running gear but didn't want to use it. If my pups were on the way to the trails I probably would've, but I didn't want to drive for an hour to get there. And I just don't want to go running by myself. I want social runs. At home, I did make one lap around the house carrying my 20kg KB, but nothing more than that.

Brain: Excellent. Busy work morning, lovely lunch w/ Timmy & Mac, then a busy meet-prep afternoon. Really excited for that, but not so much for the volunteer position I'll have, which doesn't get me a front-row seat. At home, hubs gone, so just me & the pets & my book: bliss. Some silly texts with the boss boys. An update from a friend with troubling hubs issues, a relief because I'd been worrying that I hadn't heard from her in a while.

Sadness from reading political posts made my people I thought I really connected with. I truly hate how divisive it makes everyone; I surely have anger-filled screamy thoughts, but I don't post them, because I know it would make me sound like an asshole. I wish more people could see how they are representing themselves. It's possible to dislike a candidate without resorting to childish hyperbolic insults about him/her as if one is still in second grade. Isn't it?

Thursday, October 20

Body: Feeling pretty good. Session felt great, OHP a little sad yet but deadlifts that felt light as a feather and smooth as buttah made me forget all about presses. Happy girl! Had packed running clothes for the eve but just didn't want to, not by myself. I miss my people.

Brain: Wonderful NSS day. Busy and a bit scattered, the usual for event week, methinks. Again a nicely quiet night at home to do as little as possible.

Wednesday, October 19

Body: Already feeling yesterday's session first thing in the morning, oof. Didn't get any worse, though.

Brain: Fun times fixing a client's QB onsite, including a convo about how many businesses need QB help. It left me thinking about how that used to be my long-term plan, to get out of the tax-prep world and into the bookkeeping-for-others world instead, on my own, full-time life. And yet I'm so easily turning away from that to do a scary-to-me job (coaching) at one place, NOT working for myself. So easily, without hardly thinking about it. Because NSS changed my life, because NSS has the ability to change so many lives, because I want to be a part of that, forever. I want to be a part of making women stronger & fitter, and finding enjoyment in doing that, not in punishing themselves, making themselves miserable to fulfill someone else's expectations. Small group at TT in the eve, much easier to manage that way and still super delightful fun times. Quiet at home: lovely.

Tuesday, October 18

Body: Still a touch sore from Sunday's enthusiasm, but nothing concerning. Session went well. After work I took a nice long stroll with Shannon and it was as good for the brain as a run with Heidi. Just need more of that on a regular basis.

Brain: Solid. Busy scattered-feeling day where nothing major was accomplished, but good discussions were had, and many small things were readied/planned for Saturday's meet. Lovely walk on a gorgeous fall night. A sweet purring kitty to pet & love on. Quiet night at home with an absorbing book. Days just don't get much better than this!

Monday, October 17

Body: Slept like a rock, it was wonderful. Upper back is a bit sore, neck has a tight spot, butt is sore, but that's all fine. Energy is good.

Brain: Counting down: 4 more DBB days after today. Like WHOA. Lunched with the parents for probably the last time in a long while. Eve was TT and tons o' fun.

Sunday, October 16

Body: Great night of solid sleep, though Hanky wouldn't let me sleep in, of course. Lifted mid-morning and did All The Things which included some SGC moves and focused accessory and then a complex I just felt like playing with. Things felt good for where they should be, although OHP is stalling in a very disappointing way. Reread parts of that chapter of Starting Strength during my rest periods.

Brain: Hubs gone all day again, it's family wood-cutting extravaganza weekend I guess, and I'm sure they are all wondering why I'm not there to help. Because I already had weekend plans when I first learned about it, that's why; maybe my plans look a lot like laziness, but that's exactly what I planned & needed this weekend, so they can judge away. Got my chores done, got two errands done (including decorating for Boss's Day), and had plenty of reading time. I hit triple-digit books finished this year. Holy shitballs, that's a lot of reading. No wonder I never seem to get anything else done!

Saturday, October 15

Body: Excellent night of sleep, including waking naturally at 6am, wowza! After breakfast & some reading time, I dressed to run, but assessed things and realized I didn't really WANT to run, I just wanted to get to the woods. So I decided Hanky & I would just take a very long walk, and so we did, and it was lovely. I didn't finish feeling drained & nappy, so I could get things done at home.

Brain: Good. I have zero regrets not WDing today, but I realized I spent the past 5 straight years at it, either running or crewing or volunteering, so it's strange not to be there. But I'm happy to be home. Logged a couple errands and then headed home for chores & ample reading time.

Yesterday just before eating supper I realized I hadn't logged any food yet, and I had a near-physical reaction of revulsion, practically gagging at the very idea of it. I won't be doing that anymore. I came in about where I need to be, and so I can stop. And I completely hated it, so I will stop. I made it all of three days.

Got some FANTASTIC news from a friend that made me so happy I cried. Secret for now, and not my news to share anyway, but will be really wonderful for me.

Friday, October 14

Body: Feeling good but happy for a rest day. Super lazy at home in the eve, happily.

Brain: Busy work day, improved by lunch with my BB. Silent afternoon during which I cranked out a lotta work, whew! A gorgeous eve had me hanging out with pets in the yard, until it got chilly. Then I took my book to the couch to be a lazy veg. It was awesome.

Thursday, October 13

Body: Woke in the night needing to get up, h/s/g. Feeling pretty good. Tiny bit of squat soreness, but nothing in upper body. Session went well enough, given how I've felt most of the past few weeks. After work, because it was a glorious fall day, I happily went to LCSP. Running was feeling hard on the lungs & brain, so I walked a lot, and took a lot of pictures, and deeply missed my Heidi, but didn't dwell on it too much. Haven't figured out what I'll do come winter, just yet.

Brain: Very good. Didn't get the work done that I wanted to (feel like I can point to nothing accomplished today), but had a great Chief meeting, sat in on a consult, had a wonderful time at the team meeting, and thoroughly enjoyed my day. Ran into Steph & her mama on the street & we chatted (lovely people). Blissful fall trails. Weekend plans solidifying (and minimal). Hubs gone to a "safety meeting" with coworkers, so the house was silent other than snoring pets. It's a good life.

Wednesday, October 12

Body: Fabulous long night of sleep, got up feeling good. No time to run, Dad's bookwork at noon, TT in eve.

Brain: Started logging my food yesterday in order to get my sleep in order. Also an excuse to learn My Fitness Pal so I can talk about it with clients. But man, I immediately felt the old feels around spending what feels like hours inputting food, and looking at the numbers, and also looking at their recommendations which make me want to punch things. Little warnings like I'm nearing my fat limit or "this food is high in saturated fat!" made me screamy. I'm not sure I can do it for more than a day or two; paper at least doesn't fucking JUDGE.

Normal taxy day, plus a visit with Dad, followed by the dentist (scheduled THREE doctor appointments today, adulting champ!). After work, TT was a TON of fun, and I felt far very comfortable walking around and coaching people. Finally. It was fantastic fun. Home was nicely quiet.

Tuesday, October 11

Body: Feeling pretty good. Nothing lingering from T&S weekend. (Nothing!) My session was back to my old favorites, squat & bench & love.

Brain: SO GOOD. Had my quarterly review with boss boys and they never cease to amaze me. These young pups are so fucking wise, it's astounding. They had lovely praise for me, and Dustin especially gave me a huge boost about coaching, although potentially a little TOO high of expectation if I get down on myself again, but I'm trying very hard to be the person that the mini-Chief inside my head believes I can be. We discussed figuring out my hours and how to structure that (actually meaning that I need to figure out what I want to do to fit into their expectations). Managed to adult nicely after work, from dog pills to gas & wash, and a library visit where ONCE AGAIN I ran into Bethany who is always a beautiful smile and gives a warm hug and is an inspiring chitchat. At home I caught up on the financial chore and felt panicky at our spending. Lotta unexpected car expenses all at once drained that savings, and that happening right after the planned drain of vacation savings compounded my anxiety. Time to limit Amazon & Target browsing, and stop looking at new shoes!

Monday, October 10

Body: Better sleep, got up feeling okay but needing a slow quiet morning. Took it. No time for a workout, though I did consider that I would've liked a lunch run, which was a surprise after T&S weekend.

Brain: Rough taxy day, at a client's cleaning up very messy books and feeling frustrated I couldn't leave it in better shape. Many phone calls to make and trying to figure out how to transition my life fully to Alex; all three doctor visits are coming due and I don't want to have to come back to Sauk for all that. Maybe this one last time, and then transfer everything, gives me 6 months to figure out replacements. Also, banking? Ugh, this adulting thing is old.

Sunday, October 9

Body: Got up feeling better than I have in many days, despite all the running. Solid sleep helped, but also I credit 45+ minutes in the lake killing that inflammation. The powerlines were not as easy as I wanted them to be, but easier than I expected. A good way to finish off the weekend. Ride back was fine, energy stayed well enough to go to the Paige/Luke party.

Brain: Very good. Kept my sanity post-run with reading time, and white noise & my book while everyone else listened to the Vikes on the drive home. At home, got laundry going, loved up on pets, then loved up on my NSS peeps as well. A good weekend, though Monday off would sure be glorious.

Saturday, October 8

Body: Woke often, fairly achey. Got up feeling pretty junky, and VERY worried about the run. My favorite run, most beautiful of them all, so I took a boatload of pictures. Also stayed last so that it didn't matter if I picked my way slowly or filmed my favorite little trickling creek for 45 seconds (both legit). I felt tired and slow, and fully recognized the state my body was in, and was very worried that any missteps would cause lasting trouble, and so I gave myself a lot of grace on this one. Naptime was a SOLID full sleep cycle. The afternoon run was a terrible idea as usual, 3 miles that felt like 6, on terrain that felt tough but couldn't have been much easier. Again I stayed in back and took pictures, and sought to enjoy it. Body felt better at the end of the day than at the beginning - yay, ice/lake bath!

Brain: Decent. Enjoyed the trails and the sunrise and the immense beauty. Grateful to be running it this year, even if I'm not in the best shape I've ever been for it. Zero regret about canceling next weekend's 50k, which felt possible today, but also felt like I'd pay for it for weeks. Not worth it. Turned a little anti-social at the cabin, reading the book even at the table when everyone else was chitchatting. Introverts, unite! (Quietly, in your own rooms.)

Friday, October 7

Body: Got up very tired, my new usual. Anxious about T&S. Ride up felt okay. Run itself went well, though I was very very cautious through the technical stuff, unlike everyone else, even the newbies. I wish I wasn't, but I think I need to be.

Brain: Tired, but managed. Got as much done as I could. Coworkers were silly. Paige was fine, so I was fine. Trip up was nice, got to talk some work stuff with Other Chief. Cabin life was good, but I wished I'd had more reading time. Quietly slunk off to an early bedtime.

Thursday, October 6

Body: Decent, mostly. Again woke at 3a, but just tossed & turned, couldn't will myself to get up. Logged a short quick run from Pepe's repair shop. Session was feeling okay until the hinge/squat/pushup thing that just instantly drained me to nothing. And Train & Stay is tomorrow - SHIT.

Brain: Decent, but tried to get a lot done, and didn't, and then the afternoon was spent at a speaker, and I couldn't stay late to work because Pepe wasn't done & hubs had to pick me up. Which was good though, because I needed a lot of packing time.

I got very frustrated in my session that I am feeling so poorly; I just want to feel normal, I don't want to be such a delicate fucking flower again. Why is my capacity so low right now? What am I doing wrong or missing or WHAT? How do I fix this? I was nearly ready to cry, but managed to shove it aside and focus on what Chief was saying to me.

I have a very large hunch that this is a result of fat loss. I leaned out a touch when my running finally became regular in September, and I dropped a boatload of stress - and I think this is my body freaking out over it. I do not believe I am sitting in a calorie deficit on a regular basis, but I WAS for a while there. And my body wants the fat back, now, like RANOW, and hence the 3am wake-ups, and hence the daily drained feeling. I might be in bed 8:15, but I often spend 1:00 of that tossing & turning with a monkey mind. I think. I might be wrong. I probably need to log some food intake after the Train & Stay and see what's up.

Wednesday, October 5

Body: I'm still a little tired (despite the following total sleep times for the past 7 days: 8:42, 8:05, 8:49, 9:00, 8:48+2:00, 8:37, 8:09). WTF is going on? And my butt is sore (weighted hip thrusts are dumb). No time or energy to run again (could've at lunch, but wanted needed quiet reading time more). TT in eve.

Brain: Decent. Very busy with some frustrating DBB work (technology stymied me). Feeling like I could keep busy until January with the project I'm trying to cram in. TT was a great delight, very fun, very happy group - but I came home completely exhausted. Very drained. My new norm, it seems.

Tuesday, October 4

Body: Pretty decent. The session felt a little harder than I wanted to, but I suppose that's par for the current era. Given the upcoming T&S, and not running since LAST TUESDAY, I had planned to run tonight - but when Ann canceled on me, I happily dismissed the idea and worked late instead. I didn't feel up to it, but I wished that I did, on a cool misty fall night.

Brain: Good. Very busy with work, month & quarter end, and already the 4th, and short days on Thursday & Friday...did the best I could. Was getting toddler-tired by the end of the day, when PS kept showing me different ideas for a Chiefly gift, and that only meant I would be working later. But went straight home, had reading & pet-snuggling time, and life improved.

Monday, October 3

Body: Decent. No time or ability to workout. It's possible I can run some Mon/Wed lunch breaks, but not when I'm feeling so worn out coming into them.

Brain: Decent. Busy taxy day feeling like I have tons of work to get done before I can go, things that COULD keep my busy all the way to the end of the year, but I only have the end of the month.

Surprisingly little nervousness about team training, but probably because I felt so prepared, and didn't feel like I was needing to fill CJ's shoes, but could make it my own. It went well, and was fun, but it did burn me out some. In bed, mind was racing with things I should've done better, and it took a while to shut it down. Still, I'm getting better at that.

Sunday, October 2

Body: Still very tired. Canceled my 7a running date and slept until 7 instead. Can't believe (and dislike) how exhausted I feel. Kept the day quiet & easy, but did the workout for STRONGirl in order to better understand how to coach it. Managed to avoid a nap, but accomplished similar relaxation by reading in the hammock. Coerced the hubs to join me & the dogs in fetching HH's birthday present out at LCSP. An easy walk that I felt like I could've been running: that's great, for where I am.

Brain: Doing very well. A bit angry to be feeling so tired, but no worries in avoiding my normal workouts, just a little sadness that I'm too exhausted to soak up more fall trails. Enjoyed having a quiet weekend at home to get a lot done, especially food prep, knowing the week ahead is going to be a bit much.

Saturday, October 1

Body: Poor sleep, but enough. Got up at normal time, was exhausted by 2p when I got home. Napped almost 2 hours. Had planned to do the first SGC strength workout to understand it better, but had zero energy. Slothed all eve.

Probably not a surprise given sleep & stress lately, and maybe just reached the overload point, that all the extra running workouts finally hit me, but it worried me anyway, and I indulged in extra carbs even though eating actually felt like a chore. Given Chief's sickness this week, I figured I'd be extra careful and not push any workouts or slack on calories. I am plumb out of spoons.

Brain: Good, but so tired. Normal work, then TSC fun, then a bit more normal work, then shopping for friends & bosses, then home to crash. Post-nap I indulged in a book outside on the deck in the sun, but after that I got my bills paid. Ready to crash early again.

Friday, September 30

Body: Tired, poor sleep. Keep waking in middle of night again, WTF? Had plans to run after work, was mentally shot and needing to work late, so cancelled. Went to bed at 830p, feeling like I could've by 7p. Some was mental drain, but also cumulative sleep issues, and I'd say I significantly underestimated the stress of GOOD news on my system for the past week.

Brain: Had tons of work, including more as I thought ahead to next week. Chief out sick put a damper on the mood. Went to lunch with old TS coworkers but didn't tell them the news, it's not ready to be public just yet. So much work, I stayed until 6p; much of this is crash of month-end, quarter-end, SGC, TSC nonsense - but it's also because next week has only 2 legit work days to accomplish things. Oof.

Thursday, September 29

Body: Bad sleep yet again; woke h/s/g and had to get up and eat (buttered bread). Took ages to fall back, of course. Got up okay because brain SO GOOD. Feeling unhappy in the knees, and low back still tight, but otherwise pretty damned good. Woke up determined to climb the rope today, stop fucking around: and I did it. Chief wasn't there, so I got to tell him I did it while he was out, THREE TIMES, and he said that's not possible because it's illegal - I agreed with a smile. It's been fun, but I am VERY ready to change back to a powerlifting focus. I really really miss my barbell. Couple more weeks...just a couple.

Brain: So good, so good, so good! Woke up knowing that today the NSS team would hear the news. Got to meet with Chief about various things including hearing his excitement about the giant ongoing website project. Had a really fun training session with Tony & Jeremy, though naturally missed Chief. Chief announced All The News to the team, and their reaction pretty much made my LIFE. I thought Paige was going to cry. (I thought I might cry.) They brought bootch for the WHOLE TEAM, most of whom had never had it, and most seemed to have liked it. Had a major panic when several of them began shaking theirs up, DON'T SHAKE THEM! It was such a wonderful time. We also had free lunch for Katelynn's birthday so it was just the bestest evah. Had to ditch early to go lead a group fitness thing with Other Chief and I was the main/lead person, and it was super dee duper fun times! Silly, fun, my element. And OC had lovely things to say afterward, which made me glow. Then I took the supplies back to NSS, and OMG my young coworkers were the most loveliest, wanting to hear all about it and how long in the works and Paige especially, and FUCK I'm going to miss her. So much silly fun, I was there until 5:30 and leaving was like walking out with a posse of besties. These are my people. This is my tribe. I am forever grateful to have found it, and I will do my best, always, every fucking DAY, to make it a success. Got home early enough to play fetch, to read, to snuggle with kittehs, to reflect on all the happy happiness.

Wednesday, September 28

Body: Took forever to fall asleep, woke h/s/g at 3a but didn't get up, woke at 4, woke to dogs at 530a, got up okay but unhappy. Right knee is having issues on the backside and lower right (almost ITB?) in addition to where the quad insertion has been aching. Yesterday I decided it may be caused by the SL squats on Tuesdays, and the way things ache today, it feels even more certain. QLs are also tighter today than they were on Monday. Have been tight for a couple weeks now, stretching them in sessions. Low back also quite tight today, very much so.

Brain: Good. Talked with other tax boss for much of the morning about how to make tax season better and what I can do here yet, and it may be longer than I really WANT it to be, but still as short as I NEED it to be. And everyone is being very kind and thoughtful and understanding. Lunched with Mom and told her, so the news will fly quickly. Unhappy news HH didn't get into Boston (by 48 stupid seconds!) but BL immediately pointed out that makes it more likely she can come to MN for Spring Superior and MAN ALIVE I hope that happens! Happy news for BL and a new job in Alex (he had been looking at maybe moving) which is a big fat YAAAAY!

Had a wonderful time at the SGC kickoff at NSS. Got to talk to women about doing pull-ups and how hard they are yet how satisfying they are. Loved seeing that although we certainly had a lot of body comp goal chasers, at least half are chasing a strength goal. SUPER pumped for these team trainings to begin!

Tuesday, September 27

Body: Really good. Killed it in today's session, even by doing more weight than I was supposed to because T-Dog used the wrong day. Take THAT Dustin, quit underestimating me! Ran at Woodland with Ann and made her get to 3 miles, but I felt like I could've done more. It's good to keep feeling this, but damn I miss my beastie who could reliably pull me along for 7.1 no matter what.

Brain: So good. A chaotic day without the sick Chief, but much was accomplished and it was fantastic to watch the team pull together and get shit done.

I worked through SGC program with Other Chief, then went through it with a couple coaches who have injury-issue clients and figured out some good modifications. Happy to have the chance to be proactive about that because it's a lot tougher when there are 21 other people needing direction at the same time.

Ordered a gift for Paige, who I'm really going to miss...NSS is going to have a much different feel without her silliness. Found a wonderful source of Heidi gifts, and also realized it's almost her birthday, which made me delay the package so I can find another thing or two for her. She is one of my favorite people.

My BB stopped by to nab my bag full of Wonder Woman wearables for GP to dress up in. I am not exactly her size, but most of it is small for me, and pins could make things work if need be. I'm excited to see what she comes up with. the little rockstar.

Emailed the boss boys about the status. Other Chief writes such amazing emails in response. He can't be my favorite Chief, those giant shoes are filled4lyfe - but man, he impresses me a little bit more with every interaction. These are SO my people.

Monday, September 26

Body: Antsy all day thanks to existential crisis. LCSP-ing with Ann was too short, but it was something. Body felt amazing after a recovery weekend.

Brain: Ugh, tough. Had to disappoint the second-best boss pair I've ever had. Had to disappoint all my coworkers. Tried to alleviate some of it with a semi-open timeline, but it will never be good enough for them, but just this once I need to be extremely selfish. I must. I must. Some email therapy with my beloved Heidi that helped me make the right choice: love that girl. I am still nervous and anxious and scared but I know it's going to be the right thing in the end, I have zero doubts. But still. It was good to get to LCSP fall beauty, but I also need to get there solo to really soak it up.

Sunday, September 25

Body: Better sleep, since the dogs were properly exhausted. But still not very good. Woke up with a sore/tight lower back, and weirdly aching front tooth, which went away. Probably dehydrated and over-coffeed from yesterday. The rain was coming down steadily so we packed up & headed west, and found a new state park with trails to hike. Again too short, but it was a compromise with the rest of the family who wanted to be home. At home, knocked out necessary chores and then was lazy. Could've done a workout, but didn't have it in my plans, so I let it go.

Brain: Upset by the rain, but what can you do? Not control the weather, obviously. Happy we found a place to hike after all, and it was lovely. Drive got old, happy to get home to snuggly kittehs. Knocked out chores. Read.

Thought about tomorrow's conversation and how selfish I should be. I want myself to be far more selfish than I normally would ever allow. Perhaps it's time to re-read some of my journaling from last winter...yep, that did it. Specifically, THIS did it. In just 6 weeks I turned into a crying-all-day puddle of depression. And stayed pretty low for most of 4 months. That's 1/3 of my life. That's not okay. I'm just not built for that kind of workload.

Saturday, September 24

Body: TERRIBLE night of sleep, with anxious dogs that barked at every strange noise (all noises were strange) and a Hank who insisted on sleeping with us in a too-small bed. AWFUL. Got up to down coffee outside with a book and let the tired hubs keep sleeping, then fetched more coffee & took Hanky walking over to the Marina. After a few hours, our first hike was gorgeous but far too short (hubs' knee felt badly). NAP TIME. Then another easy too-short hike that was supposed to be a half-mile longer, but Lexi was struggling so probably good that it wasn't. Went to bed very early

Brain: Decent. Enjoyed some lake time with Hankypank. Wished we could've gone hiking for many more miles, or on a run. Maybe tomorrow, but the weather looks to be bad. Today's was decent; mostly cool & sometimes misty, but not raining, and not hot, I enjoyed it! Did some truck-based sight-seeing which was better than nothing, but not my favorite. Got most of a book read. Did my best not to think about next week.

Friday, September 23

Body: Feeling very sore in the lower body all morning, sore upper body by the afternoon. 3.5 hours in the truck treated me better than it usually does.

Brain: Excellent. Got a ton of work done, had good chitchat with all, had the bestest convo with boss boys that leave me with a rough conversation to have with the other boss boys. I am both delighted and terrified. Tripped up north to our tiny cabin with the hubs & the dogs. Excited to hike!

Thursday, September 22

Body: Again took a while to fall asleep and wanted to sleep in. But got up feeling okay. Feet & lower legs definitely aching from running. Some aches from Tuesday. Knee/quad thing is a little worse. Session went well; was fun being silly with Jeremy on pull-ups & while Dustin was trying to kill me with push-ups. Eve run was solo, and I didn't take ANY walk breaks, and running hasn't felt this good in AGES.

Brain: A wonderful day. Normal me. Good energy, good attitude, silliness when I wanted to be. NORMAL ME. I haven't felt this good in AGES.

Wednesday, September 21

Body: Lately it's taking me a long time to fall asleep, and then I want to sleep in. Today the hubs woke me at 6a and I probably could've slept another hour - what's up? Will try taking the SAMe earlier (not right before bed) and also cut down to one Benadryl (not two) and anyway allergy season should be over soon. Ran up to Dad's shop to pay him $1000 (just a little sweat on the check) and on the way I was running too fast, so I took a walk break until my pace dropped to 9:45 (like 3 minutes) which was near the park, where I noticed no one was around, and there that pole was that I tried to climb weeks ago...so I ran over and CLIMBED THAT MOFO. No video evidence (wasn't running with a phone) and no witnesses, but I scraped up my leg a bit and I KNOW I DID IT and I was pretty excited. At the shop I was overheating (lost my breeze inside) and after a few minutes was even light-headed so I sat down. Felt a little gross, but not terrible, so I headed back. After 3 blocks, I took a 2-block walk break. Then repeated that, then just had 4 blocks to finish. Felt okay back at work. Just...a little weird.

Brain: Good except a little tired. BIG achievement climbing that pole! Some FB silliness. Some technology frustration. Eve NSS client appreciation picnic was pretty fun. A little frustrated at the coworkers who didn't help much, but I should be used to that one of these days. I feel like it's the highly sensitive thing, noticing all the little things that ought to get done, things that others may not see. Yay for my lucky employers, I guess? Hubs came, which was fun, it's nice that he isn't always off working anymore.

Tuesday, September 20

Body: Still aching from Sunday lifting. Noticed the knee thing is mainly right, and it's the quad insertion more so than the knee joint. Feel it at a full stretch, not just in a squat (muscle being engaged) position. Maybe just needs some stretching. Wouldn't be a surprise that all the consecutive-day running is catching up to me, although they have been short runs. Lifted early in the day; pulls went backward a bit, but the Prowler stopped leaving me ready to faint, at least. Eve run with Ann was 5/2 which felt easy and I wish I'd been able to drop her off then keep going, but: things to do.

Brain: A very good day. Normal me, nearly. Much work accomplished. Walking meeting with Tall Chief that included the reality of "Um, you realize it's too late to decide anything, I have another tax season." Much appreciation that when I asked about modified hours during the upcoming SGC, his immediate response was "Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane." Love that man so much. Fun outdoor noon WSN workout with Other Chief, including some Couch to 5k pals. Much silliness about potential Boss's Day fun. Chitchat with Paige, leaving us in just 2.5 weeks...why do so many of my favorites leave me?! Sweet gift from Chief, a book I wanted by I writer I adore. Trip to the library to stock up on vacation weekend reading. Ran into a past C25k peep there, one who easily could've ignored me but called me over, which was a perfect delight. Hugs, even. Nice night at home, reading my new book with pets & hubs snuggled in around me.

Monday, September 19

Body: Took a while to fall asleep, then struggled to get up, despite 9 hours in bed: ugh. Body is QUITE sore from lifting, like it's been a while (I guess it has). Knees have been achey in a deep squat for the past week or two; something I notice in daily life like scooping pet food, or digging in my bag on the floor. Stopped at a DBB client on my way to an eve run, which meant changing in the bathroom at LCSP (where the lights shut off after two minutes) so I changed at NSS and just ran in town, also saving the travel time. Roads still suck.

Brain: Bit MEH thanks to sleepiness and dreary morning. Office at DBB smelled very strongly of freshly stained wood which was a bit overpowering. Had to have windows open for fresh air, thus also to loud traffic; tried to play music to mask it, but it didn't work, and instead made far too much aggravating noise. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to work in the noisiness of NSS at all. Today we also discussed tax season plans and it was cemented in for me that yes, I'm suffering through another tax season; even though I already knew it, now I KNOW it. I need to find smart, useful ways to survive it. It would be so lovely to feel like I could even thrive during it...wishful thinking. Silly texts with HH, finding out where she is with BQ times. Grateful client on way home. Road run at least let me tour neighborhoods of coworkers. Nice night at home.

Sunday, September 18

Body: Tons of sleep, plus a nap after lifting. Lifting went pretty well; OHP a bit disappointing, but I'll allow it since the rest was better than I anticipated, a pleasant surprise. Lazy rest of the day.

Brain: Busy productive morning; some financial stressing though. Hubs home for nap time. Quiet day of chores & an audiobook & avoiding the TV noise...one thing I absolutely loved about his absence: the TV wasn't on for even a second. Silence makes me happy.

Saturday, September 17

Body: Excellent solo run at LCSP, missed Heidi but kept the brain & body together. Joy met me when I finished, and we went for a lovely stroll. Napped in afternoon, then it was SUCH a gorgeous sunny fall day that I HAD TO take the dogs walking. Went to Brophy where they made me crazy, but it was worth it.

Brain: Very good. A bit lonely, but some texts with HH, TONS OF TIME with my BB, and an enjoyable amount of quiet time to read. Snuggled in with critters. Some stress at the St Cloud stabbing incident, wanting to cry about the sadness of the world, but I pulled myself out of it. I can't read that shit, I am too fucking sensitive to handle it. I did spend some time being upset that I never heard from BK all weekend, but I reminded myself that was exactly what I expected, and it has nothing to do with my worth or value, and I can't let myself care anymore.

Friday, September 16

Body: Fair; cat keeps waking me up but I'm doing okay.

Brain: A great NSS day, although partly because I completely forgot to do a normal Friday task. Met hubs for lunch for the first time in unknown years. A silent house ahead of me for the entire weekend, as he went to Cedar Lake: bliss.

Thursday, September 15

Body: Sore from Tuesday, but good. Session was fun. Eve got in some downhill training.

Brain: Good, busy, no time to think, which is what I'm needing.

Wednesday, September 14

Body: Feeling good. Sleep a little choppy, but my morning wake-up by Clyde was early enough (330a) to fall all the way back for a full cycle, for once. Ran to Dad's shop & back to do his bookwork, which was fast/hard, but fun because short. Met Ann at LCSP on a lovely eve.

Brain: A little better yet again. Made weekend plans with my BB. NSS chitchat. Brain in a fairly good place, work was nicely busy so I couldn't dwell on anything.

Tuesday, September 13

Body: Feeling good. Session felt quite good, though still light-headed after the Prowler, though pushed it three straight lengths, so who knows. Went solo to LCSP but saw Dan H right as I came out of the bathroom, so I ran with him. Managed to do more/better than I expected, so that was a nice surprise after a full week off. Most importantly, I enjoyed it, which is the biggest victory evah.

Brain: Pretty good, in comparison to where it's been, but not quite normal. I have started the SAMe (1st one Monday night) so maybe that will help. I read a post by one of our people, in which all of our people were mentioned except me, and I'd like to believe it was just an oversight, but it even if it's just that, it stings. And naturally, the CIV insists it was intentional, and that makes me hurt. Badly.

Tremendously busy day at NSS, trying to catch up for vacation and also just a huge workload besides. Had talks with both bosses and felt like I was a fuzzy-headed fool for both of them, tired and dumb. Was able to talk with Chief in my session about the weekend, and told him I wasn't doing it again & hubs was going to remind me, and he promised to remind me as well. I am so grateful for how much he gets me, without me having to specify all the feels. I shall depend on these two men & HH to keep me from thinking I'm horrible for how I feel.

Monday, September 12

Body: Terrible sleep, thanks to forgetting Benadryl, leaving my pillow at the resort, and a jerk-faced Clyde. Heavily debated a noon run (SFAC at NSS in eve); when I'm already so tired, is it going to increase my stress, or is it more important to get moving after so many days without? I was too tired to think it a good idea. Figured I'd recover faster from the low sleep with less physical stress.

Brain: Tired. Wanting a short day, getting a long one. Cranky due to low sleep, unsettled due to weekend. Had texts from my HH that helped muy mucho. Eve had to go to NSS for our fundraising event to which a sad disappointing FOUR people showed, but the information was great, and we still collected a lot of donations, so overall it's okay I guess. Still, it made me want to cry, that we had such a poor showing. A trip to the library helped, as well as a quiet house. Had a round of texts from BK, DQ, and JR about post-race blues, and it was clear that I was the only one who did not feel the full depth of the weekend, not like I normally do. They are all-in for BK, which lessens the anxiety I have over the change I feel. He doesn't need me, it's fine.

Sunday, September 11

Body: Fine. Normal. We went on a short hike on our drive home, a mile or so. We stopped often enough to keep the body from getting TOO pissy. But it's still a long fucking drive.

Brain: Fair. Woke naturally after solid sleep. Got up & started coffee as quietly as I could, and BK came down the stairs (while I laughed at his herky-jerky pain, I am such an asshole!) and because it was a stupid open-floor-plan condo, everyone was soon up. After we were all packed up we just sat around in silence for the longest time, doing nothing, and I was MAD. I wanted to be in nature somewhere, on a trail or at my lake, and meanwhile we were all sitting there doing nothing.

When we finally moved, we at least went to breakfast at the place on the lake, so I took my book down to the lake while they ate, since it had barely been an hour since I ate. And also, my laaaake. I really missed the cabins on my lake, my big rocky outcrop, my blissful sunrises. But this helped. I suppose I came off poorly, avoiding them, but I won't apologize for needing to avoid people; I needed that time. I tried to join them after using the bathroom and refilling coffee, but they were socializing and I just had to leave, I couldn't deal with the noise.

I would sure like to have been able to hang out with BK, but it's different while KK is there. Her presence changes him, and I can't stand their constant bickering. I've been doing my best not to let nostalgia take over and make him into the perfect friend that I used to think he was. I see now he is not, and was not, and frankly I feel ashamed at how important I made him in my life, and that feeds into my low opinion of myself.

Ride home was appropriately quiet and chill, included a final visit to my lake. I read a bunch. I reflected. We returned to the Duluth Grill even though I wasn't even hungry. Had a redonk situation picking up the car in Sauk, but I finally made it home, where I unpacked and crashed. Not looking forward to a long Monday.

Saturday, September 10

Body: 4 hours of solid sleep followed by a pot of coffee gave me energy for the day (half-day). Volunteered and stayed energized all the way through clean-up. Hard to settle into sleep but two Benadryl took charge eventually.

Brain: I was myself again. I was chatty and huggy and silly and helpful. I was also smart enough not to station myself with a task right at the finish line, knowing it would be too draining. I was not capable of caring for needy runners anymore, but I could sure help shoppers at the merch table. I was glad not to be hearing BK tell his stories to everyone on repeat like prior years, but it actually meant I never heard any of it, which is sad. I did get to hear a lot of others tell me how their race went, in brief summaries, which was all I was capable of. A few people I wish I'd had time with, like GP, but mostly it was a just-right dose. I was able to spend time with Cheri which gave me further proof of her sweetness. It is nice to meet genuinely nice people. After all that, back at the condo everyone was asleep. Short day.  

Friday, September 9

Body: Slept a little choppy. Long day of crewing left feet achey and low back got very tight around 1a. Rain meant we sat in truck at aid stations rather than slowly freeze at a limp fire, which mean nearly sleeping, but not quite, which was very bad for me.

Brain: Started out pretty good, race was exciting and BK was doing well. Got to eat two real meals & even got downtime to visit my lake. It was fun & I was energized & almost back in my element  

Once I got overtired, though, I thoroughly quit caring. I didn't give a shit about BK, I didn't want to see KK, I didn't want to hear how DQ's pacing was going, and if I had to listen to one more runner blather on about his last race or how his training plan this winter will include a bunch of strength and core work (because they ALL say that and it's always bullshit, they never do it), I would've started crying and curled up in the fetal position.

Also because I feel like I'm not a runner anymore, and I am ashamed at my mental struggles that have made me this non-runner, I can't muster up the usual convos at these things.

I simply reached a serious breaking point where I just Did Not Fucking Care and nearly checked completely out. Luckily Justen was quiet and thus I could still stand him, and he continued to be helpful when I stopped. After the final aid station I was able to make breakfast and take a shower to see the finish, which was earlier than expected and thus should've made me ME again, but it didn't. I was too shot and the finish line was far too peopley. I don't think I said a word to BK. He sent me to take a nap because I looked and acted like such hell. I am ashamed of that yet also not, because I do not feel like it's in my control anymore. I sure do wish it was. 

I was overtired and angry-exhausted, but also being at an RSR event up north leaves me full of memories, deeply missing the old days, the old BK, the many runs we enjoyed, the connection we once had that has been severed by KK. That also leads me directly into how much I miss HH and how will I keep on without her forever. And then how lonely I feel and how depressed I've been, and how that has affected everything and why is this happening and allathat, all over again. 

Basically, I couldn't get out of my sad head into happy NOW, and I'm sorry, ashamed, helpless.

Thursday, September 8

Body: Fair. Energy okay, and session was good; pushing the prowler didn't send me into light-headedness, although it didn't seem quite normal yet. QLs were noticeably tight while pushing the sled, weird. Long drive up north was okay on the body for once.

Brain: Got my big rocks done before vacation (new guy on website) plus nonstop assorted randomness that made me wish I wasn't leaving early. So busy. Trip up north was mostly good; supper at my favorite place, joined by a couple of other racers that I haven't seen in a while. Stopped at packet pickup and saw lots of trail friends, gave lots of hugs; wish we'd been able to stay for the entire thing. 

Wednesday, September 7

Body: Slept well, but could've slept longer, but damn dogs this time. QLs are feeling quite tight, out of the blue. Low energy due to mentally draining workload. And worked too late to run. Upset. 

Brain: Pretty good. Kind of resenting the upcoming weekend, all the packing & planning & effort to benefit a friend who doesn't deserve it. Trying to figure out when I could run and get my own SHT time, without it wearing me out / becoming a useless crew member (no good time, besides maybe Sunday before we leave, which is perhaps the ideal time, if I could escape by myself). Trying to find places along the route we can access the lake shore for some bliss. Plotted a lunch date with the ol' TS peeps at the end of the month. Some silliness with emails/texts. Really got drained at the end of the day; deadlines loom (next week) for extended tax returns, and I still have some to wade through. But can't give any extra time until next Wednesday, if it's necessary, because I have to be at NSS for our fundraiser next Monday night. It's shockingly hard to work two jobs like this, always feeling the pull of more hours needed, at both; too often I give in, which means less down time, which inevitably leads to breaking. I don't wanna break anymore. (And I want out. I still don't know if I get out.) Packing in the eve left me upset about allergies and regretful about how I give my time. I told the husband not to let me do this again. 

Tuesday, September 6

Body: Wish I'd had 10 hours of sleep again! But energy was mostly good. Session was good but I got light-headed, much beyond the usual, so I nixed evening running. Also I just didn't want to.

Brain: Feeling normal. Capable of the long to-do lists and noise and interruptions. Able to be silly. Lovely. Worked on packing for Superior weekend, which mostly involved plotting out how to bag enough damn food. Also how to bring the right clothes for warm & sunny but also cold & rainy. Ugh. Quite glad I canceled running to have enough time for allathat.

Monday, September 5

Body: Slept another TEN HOURS. Took Hank running and it was a battle to make him behave. Legs felt good, humidity got to me though. Feeling some stiffness in lower body. Napped afterward (three day weekend, three naps, #winning).

Brain: Good. Mostly enjoyable run with Hank, nap time, hubs back home, time to read and read and read. Family ribfest for Dad's birthday, fun times, other than having to give Lexi a bath before we left, foolish swamp-dog.

Sunday, September 4

Body: Slept for TEN HOURS. Got up rested but also with a head stuffed full of allergies. Perhaps my very outdated Benadryl should be replaced with a fresher, more effective version? Lifted and felt pretty good, though certainly missing my strength. Napped afterward. Lazy rest of the day.

Brain: Decent. Lifted, napped, food-prepped, went to bed early. Did not leave the house. Did not speak to a soul besides my pets. Glorious, wondrous, perfect peace & quiet: exactly what my poor addled brain needed.

Saturday, September 3

Body: Quite good. Went LCSP-ing with DQ & BK, and managed the entire lap with only the usual hill-walking, no set intervals. Pretty damn good for where I've been the past few weeks! Mostly lazy the rest of the day.

Brain: Happy with a good run. Extremely disappointed with BK now that I've got enough distance to objectively assess him. Why did I think he was so wonderful? I think this is the last race I'll be supporting him in; the time and money it takes to do this shouldn't all go to his benefit. I'd rather volunteer and give my time to help ALL of the runners.

Post-run, went to NSS to make enough headway on a project that will help our next event which is half my baby, thus worth a little weekend effort. Then errands, including the library (happy place!), shopping at Office Max (another happy place!) and pet store (cute little doggy demanding attention). At home: ate, showered, napped like a champ. Dog park to meet Lisa & Mac & Milo; could've gone better, but could've gone worse, in terms of doggy behavior. From there back to a silent house; snacked & read on the deck, then on the couch, happily so. Soaked up all that silence that I've been needing and missing.

Friday, September 2

Body: Tired. Exhausted. A mess. 

Brain: A fucking mess. Crying in the stall most of the day. Hating everyone because they were talking (the horror!) near me and I couldn't focus and I was overwhelmed by how much work I had to do and fearing weekend work and feeling both sorry for and angry at myself and enjoyed a tiny silent escape to the bank and a brief visit from BB & GP and a lovely lunch with Shannon and ear plugs and pets at home - but mostly I was a fucking mess. 

Reasons I have pinpointed: 
•No proper weekend PLUS not enough sleep during it. Solution: No more workshops? No more tests? Shouldn't have invited Amy (the only highlight of the weekend)?
•Week of poor sleep. Solution: Benadryl every night. 
•Allergies. Solution: Benadryl every night.
•Not enough downtime during week. Solution: Do not run with Ann every night. 
•Feeling abandoned by a certain someone. Solution: say something or get the fuck over it. 
•Terrible horrible no good very bad self-talk. Solution: go through the anxiety workbook exercises, and if things don't get better, go to the doctor and get some drugs. 
•Worrying about drug side effects. Solution: fucking stop. Cross with that bridge when it's reached. 
•Hating myself for being a bitchy coworker today. Solution: apologize. 
•Hating myself for being stupid, weak, scared, paranoid, raw, me, etc. Solution: (?)



Thursday, September 1

Body: Tired again. Slept solidly but my last hour is never good, full of Clyde being a jerkface. Really catching up to me. Felt it in session, tired more quickly with everything. But when Ann asked if we were going to Woodland, I couldn't say no. We only did 2 miles so it was fine.

Brain: Okay. Way too busy at work. Feeling overwhelmed at the amount of stuff to be done and done SOON. Got very disappointed in Chief during session, like he didn't spend any time with me, and that's been a pervasive feeling lately, and it made my cry afterward when I was alone to change, and justlikethat I fell apart, so easily, so very fucking brittle when I don't have enough sleep. Couldn't shake it for the rest of the day. Didn't want to eat, but forced myself to do so, by buying irresistible chips. I can't cut calories on top of low sleep or I'll fucking tank again. I can't handle tanking again. I am very much considering asking my doctor for a prescription.

Wednesday, August 31

Body: Terrible night of sleep; took a long time to fall asleep (not sure why), then woke at 230a (not h/s/g, just wide effing awake), then the cat was an absolute asshole, stepping on me regularly, swishing his tail in my face, until Hank started prancing...I got up very tired and kind of hating the world. Good amount of soreness in legs & lats from yesterday's session. Ran LCSP anyway with Ann, which was easy peasy.

Brain: Tired. Feeling some disappointment with someone very important to me, which leads to disappointment in myself for always expecting too much of my people. Enjoyed the trails, but my new running buddy does not LIKE running right now, so it's not so much fun as it would be with my beastie; no one is as much fun as my beastie, though. Kinda bleah overall today. Went to NSS to knock out a little task and was kinda furious with myself for doing it, but it was to keep a good surprise so I decided it was worth it. But still; I'm feeling overextended way too often lately, and that's just not okay.

Tuesday, August 30

Body: I made it all the way to my session before thinking about neck pain; it's now only at the extreme end ROM, and it's mild. Session was fun, if overly sweaty. Met Ann at Woodland for another HOT run, did a 2/2 for her (she did the two-month Couch to 5k plan, then two months off!), which felt appropriately easy to me. Was fun to get to know her better and have someone to chat with and make the time blaze past.

Brain: Super fun busy NSS day, got a shit-ton accomplished, even worked a little late to meet Ann. Working on the kinds of tasks I love, and also watched STRONGirl fill up to halfway already, on day one of our launch: awesome! Fun outing with Ann. Few chores knocked out, and still time to read. The book (about Superior 100), prompted me to remember there is usually a fall trail-work weekend, and I always find out the date after I've already filled up all my weekends. Messaged John about when it is, trying to at least find out a date, but he said details to come after Superior. Dammit man, I want to know when it is RANOW so I can book other weekends if I want to! Why isn't everyone else the kind of planner I am?!

Monday, August 29

Body: Neck still there, but much better; 3 on a scale of 1-10, perhaps. Slept well but got up tired (originally titled this post "Saturday, August 20" - oof). Went LCSP-ing solo, in very hot/humid conditions. Lots of branches/trees down, so my mission became trail clean-up, which made it a fun outing.

Brain: Solid. Fun work day, sent off a difficult co-op tax return, made progress on the detective-y one, helped boss man at detective-ing another one. Superior-related fun, sending my crewing spreadsheets and setting up a Saturday run with DQ & BK to discuss the plans. LCSP clean-up fun.

Sunday, August 28

Body: Poor sleep once again thanks to overeating at supper, but slightly better than yesterday. Again accomplished nothing; drove home after workshop and had too many chores and was too mentally shot to try doing anything.

Brain: Logged more studying as soon as I got up. Workshop felt like more of a joke today, time spent going through machines more than free-weights, learning assessments many places don't do, going over equations for the millionth time, UGH. Was weird for me to see all of the machines after the squat-rack life for so long (we were in a brand new Y); I guess they are meant to prevent people from hurting themselves if they don't know what they're doing but honestly it seems like it keeps those people weak and still lets them hurt themselves. Wouldn't it be better to just offer some education? And cheaper, when you factor in the cost of all those machines?! One of the women in class with me (college kid) was a former monster powerlifter (345 squat, 185 bench, 485 deadlift, like holy fucking shit let her injuries heal so she can get back to it!) so I wished I had been more chatty yesterday when I saw her lifter's legs and just KNEW she was a badass. But oh well. The test felt like a breeze; a few things I was uncertain, but most of it felt like DUH, confident it was probably a 90% score, and we only need 70%. Won't know for up to 4 weeks, though. And now instead of test anxiety, I have this new feeling of "Holy shit, that was just the beginning, the hard part hasn't even started!" Headed home with one stop at UA in Albertville and that was WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE for me, so that was it. At home: chores, hubs time, and gratitude that a 3-day weekend is coming since this one was 0 days.

Saturday, August 27

Body: Poor sleep at hotel, woke up tired. Sat all day at PT cert, then hung with Amy & Maya so did nothing in eve either.

Brain: Major overload. PT cert workshop had spells of "holy shit I can't do this" and "this test is a fucking joke" and "well, it's better than it used to be" and "but really I can't do this WELL." Hanging with Amy was great, and she bought my supper as pre-payment for services of being her accountabilibuddy for the next three months. Food logs, some workout ideas, a person to check in and monitor her. Was a TON of fun hanging with Maya, a toddler full of babbling and questions and strange songs and the occasional tantrum who let me into her inner circle; we were bestest buddies by the time they were headed home. I studied and made flash cards until I hit a point that my gummy eyes insisted I was done.

Friday, August 26

Body: Decent but neck still awful. Quads somewhat sore but not sure if that was session or SUP-ing (kneeled for sections). Tight low back in afternoon, but not TOO bad.

Brain: Busy workday but I managed to keep reminding myself not to panic at the workload, it would get done. And it did. Some good topics covered with Dustin, although mostly things that made me wish again that I had a clone; full-time office work doesn't even feel like enough time to get things done. I literally had the thought that maybe I could work there on Labor Day, get caught up on some shit. (SIGH. I must not, need to avoid giving all of my energy and making it something that ruins me.) Drive to the Cities in eve was draining; I dislike driving even 10 minutes lately, much less 2+ hours.

Thursday, August 25

Body: Neck extremely tight again, after being better yesterday. Session went well. Went SUP-ing with the NSS crew, and it was very fun. (I thought it would feel easier, though?)

Brain: Ups & downs. Moments of happiness, moments of feeling like a piece of shit. I deeply miss the confident woman I was 5 or 6 years ago.

Wednesday, August 24

Body: Got up feeling tired, woke h/s/g at 330a but not enough to get up; Clyde a jerk at 430a, dogs jerks at 530a, FUN TIMES. Body feels good. Neck is improved. Ran with two boys and they were willing to do my walk/run intervals that made it easier for me, plus it was cooler and thus fun!

Brain: Fair to good. Worked on a messy, messy set of books, and LOVED making sense of it all. Also felt guilty at the thought of quitting here anytime soon, after a new hire bolted. I will feel SO GUILTY leaving, no matter when it is. But I also spent the day badly wishing I were at NSS to take care of things there, and I guess the moral of the story is that I need a clone. A lovely run, although I greatly missed Heidi as I drove home; want her back in MN now please.

Tuesday, August 23

Body: Good. Neck went backward today and Aleve had to be taken (didn't need one yesterday). Used the leverage of a lacross ball & the wall on it before session, and that helped a lot. Session didn't bother it, and NG pulls finally hit 20 so I can do weighted instead, and drop the quantity (less mental pressure). After work, went for my "new Tuesday usual" of 30 minutes at Woodland, and moved up to 5-minute run intervals; I got to run with Tim (Timothy?) and it went by pretty quickly despite the heat. Enjoyable, like running is SUPPOSED to be. 

Brain: Good. Had a small amount of anxiety before work but it went away quickly. Frustrated at some of what I did today, felt like I was in a mode of managing people, as I scrutinized & followed up missing data and questioned a lot and I DON'T like doing that, but it was the kind of thing that had to get done because I haven't yet found the perfect software that would automatically do it for us. IF ONLY. On the bright side I dragged along a couple little projects that would lag without me, and that gave me a boost. Brainstormed the upcoming Challenge with Dawn and am gratified we are on the same page.

Got Chief all to myself in my session for the first time since I don't even know when, and naturally I didn't need the high level of therapy today that I have been desperate for lately; told him about the 50k in short sentences, didn't go on & on, but I didn't HAVE TO because one little reference to Boston told him everything he needed to know, and I love that history, as it means I don't have to explain the shit out of myself. He got it, instantly. Everyone else, I have to get into my mental battles, and I'd just rather not. But then again, don't I want to help Defeat the Stigma? Had a set of texts from a friend who was very supportive and conveyed that a spouse has depression & anxiety battles so that was helpful; the more people talk about it, the less shameful it gets.

Met Lisa's new puppy Milo who is SUPER CUTE and sweet and I told Mac she should bring her new best friend over to meet my best friend. Love meeting new dogs! Run with Tim while feeling good was HUGE, and it was refreshing to have someone new to chitchat with. Afterward we stood around talking for probably just as long as our run, about Superior and my crewing secrets and his breakfast-place secrets. Fun! At home, studying with a Clyde in my lap. Cert is this weekend, and I'm looking forward to getting it out of the way.