Monday, October 26

  • 2 Larabars
  • rice noodles

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 90% quality. Woke at 430a, delighted to have more time to sleep, but the alarm woke me from being out cold at 530a. Ugh, how on earth can 8.5 hours not feel like enough?

Healthy Movement: Woke up with a screaming-tight upper-right back. WTF is that about? It's bad, like I slept on it weird for hours, or like I've never ever done 35 pull-ups before, which is of course ludicrous. Frustrating. Core seems pretty okay, but if I give it a good jaunty-hip stretch, it reminds me that it isn't okay after all. Logged two miles on the bike trail, and it went okay. Not awesome, but better than the three milers have been going.

Fun & Play: DBB productivity. Printing 2016 calendars for my planner, and daydreaming about monthly camping weekends up north with Hop & the pooches. (Can it happen??) Left work early to run in gloriously cool fall weather. Chores knocked out.

Stress Management: I'm reading the book Fat Loss Happens on Monday, because the author is coming to NSS for an in-service in November (cool, eh?). Last night it was a section about the importance of keeping a food journal, what an immense impact that has on fat loss without any other effort besides that alone, and it brought up so much emotion, so much anger at how long I did that, with little to no results besides weight gain, binges, constant frustration, and massive disappointment. Why the fuck does it make "all the difference" to some people, but zero difference (or worse) for me? Not fair.

And yet, since I don't care about fat loss, why do I care? Well, because the book is written as though I (the reader) desire to lose fat (why else would I be reading the book?)...and so I find myself...desiring to lose fat.

It's like the book is insinuating I SHOULD want to lose fat and be "lean & hot & awesome" and it's pissing me off (can't I be hot & awesome without being lean?), but it's also acting as some insidious trigger, making me think...well, maybe I am too fat (too fat for what?) and maybe I SHOULD be thinner (why? for who?). Maybe this weekend of over-eating and under-exercising is the old lazy me resurfacing, and not actually the "new me" who refuses to obsess over this fucking nonsense ever again.

Because I'm finding myself so easily swayed into thinking about this, but not able to stay objective & unemotional, I'm worried. I'm worried this is going to trigger disordered eating again. I'm not sure I should keep reading it. But how else do I work through the mental bullshit and throw off the baggage of those years? Do I just keep believing that I'm okay now? Is it dumb to read this, or is this exactly what I need to do, to face it and realize that I'm over it, and I'm okay?

AM I okay?

I don't know.

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