Tuesday, September 29

Nutrition:
  • 2 Larabars

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 90% quality. More like 75%. Damn early-bird dogs.

Healthy Movement: Core is about the same. In NSS warm-up, could feel some improvement over last week, but it's definitely still feeling tight, and sometimes painful, on most steps. James was talking about possibly running a bit this weekend, but when I told him I can't even walk pain-free yet, he was surprised. I have zero hope for the Train & Stay. If I can walk by then, I might still go, but I'm doubting it. Session was fine; best part was Dustin letting me do back squats.

Fun & Play: NSS day. Session. Happy pups, delighted with new toys. Warm sunshine in crisp fall temps.

Monday, September 28

Nutrition: Trying to dig up some willpower to work through a long phase of food testing. Like, really & truly figure out all of my sensitivities. Can I have oats? Can I have rice? Can I have all dairy without casein, or literally just whey? The problem is, anything I can't have means two weeks of hating my face, and waiting for it to clear up again, before testing the next thing.

So (a) depression central, but even if I keep my mind through it, then (b) it's a loooong timeframe to do this. Like in 6 months, if I reacted to each thing I tried, that would mean I managed to test all of 12 foods. (And hated my face for all of that time.)

And my biggest problem is that I still regularly react (to something; I usually attribute it to sugar), so I can and will have false positives (reactions) that aren't actually to the food I try but to scooting past my sugar limit. So that means being absolutely adamant about avoiding sugar beyond my two Larabars. That sounds doable in theory, but I know it will feel impossible. On the other hand, if I am getting to add new foods, that's new calorie sources, and I wouldn't have to rely as much on those Larabars.

Setting aside the emotional rollercoaster of hating my face, unfairness of it all, etc, it means a lot of analyzing & detailed planning & decision-making, which is usually right up my alley, but which I've BEEN doing every motherfucking day for five years, and have become completely exhausted by, to the point that it's just easier to avoid everything, even though that's decidedly not easy.

I would need the right mindset to tackle this. I'm not there yet, but I want to be.

  • 2 Larabars
  • carrot cake muffin (high sugar)

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 930p-515a, 83% quality. In late because I got some hubs time - rare!

Healthy Movement: Core feels the same. Hurts on some steps, hurts if I stretch it. Legs got pretty stiff again; now I'm wondering if the DBB-related stiffness is less about non-movement (since I felt it even before lunch, which is when NSS movement takes place) and more about being the day after squats (at home on Sunday to cause Monday/DBB soreness, and at NSS on Tuesday to cause Wednesday/DBB soreness). Correlation is not causation, as they say!

Fun & Play: Fun project at DBB. Fun chitchat with coworker. Using PT time to watch YouTube funnies. Reading with a snuggly Hank.

Sunday, September 27

Nutrition: I'm making kombucha! Following these directions. I also found a good recipe for oven fries, made using bacon-flavored olive oil. NOM. Made twice this weekend.

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 9p-615a, 90% quality. Plus a semi-okay nap 145-315p.

Healthy Movement: Core feels exactly the same; why are you not better yet? Should I be icing? (James said not to bother) Should I take drugs? (no thank you) Should I give up on ever running again? (hopefully not but it sure feels like it) Is all of this falling apart a sign of...something needing to change? (I desperately wish I knew)

Managed an All The Lifts workout, trying some tweaks to back squats (good on ham!) and bench (sad times: felt hard) after finally finishing Starting Strength.

Fun & Play: Slightly better today, not so mopey. Managed to get many things done. Some early-morning time reading in the crisp sunshine. Decent lifting work.

Stress Management: If not for the Train & Stay, I'm feeling more accepting of the not-running. In theory, I could be okay with a focus on heavy lifting for a while. But to be forced to miss out on my favorite annual vacation, fuck, it hurts. And I truly can't go if I can't run, I know that I can't; I'll just be a giant pile of sadface, and that's not fair to anyone.

Saturday, September 26

Nutrition:
  • 2 Larabars
  • pint AZ (and, I'm out: addicting!)

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 83% quality. Wish the pooches had let me sleep in longer.

Healthy Movement: Body about the same, perhaps slight improvement in core, not there on every step, but still a frustrating 90% or so. Lazy & sitting all day besides PT, until I found motivation to do something. Core was worse after supper, possibly due to those carries. Ugh, come the fuck ON, you stupid jerk! Heal!!

Fun & Play: Tiny dose of hubs time. Visit to MB with my BB & GP. Lovely visit in a beautiful home with fantabulous people. Really the best way I could've spent my morning. Laziness, soaking up some sunshine. Podcast hilarity. Reading. Fun workout solution. Snuggly pets. ROUS date solidified (and I don't have to host [read: clean my house]!). Some FB silliness.

Temperance: Less lonely today, thanks to the morning visits. But still a struggle. I need a hug, and someone to remind me I've been through many running injuries now, and I'm still a runner, and this is merely another on the list, and missing the Train & Stay is sad, but it's not the end of the world, but most of all that they FEEL FOR ME and I'm not an asshole for being so dejected over this when life could be so much worse. I'm tired of the three main thoughts in my head that declare this is the end of the world, but no one cares, and I'm all alone. I don't want this to spiral down into depression, but it's taking all my willpower to stay afloat, and I could use some help.

Friday, September 25

Nutrition:
  • 2 Larbars
  • pint AZ

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 95% quality.

Healthy Movement: Feeling about the same. Saw James. He gave me new moves, said the endurance is the last thing to return, and reassured me it could be fixed. He then told me about a client who needs to have lumbar fusion, which sounds horrific. Said I should work on the given moves, plus stretch & massage, twice a day; probably can progress to single-leg by Tuesday; a few days of that, perhaps I can run a mile; a few days of that, perhaps I can run 2 miles, and so on.

Went back to NSS and told Mike I probably can't go on the T&S. I have 14 days to make progress, and even if it goes as swimmingly as James optimistically suggested, I MIGHT be up to 3 miles by the day we leave. Naturally Mike asked if I might still come along even if I can't run, and I haven't replied to that email, but it's because I would sure LIKE to say yes, I can still come and not be a whiny baby - but I know it will feel like torture to be there if I can't properly run, and I don't see any reason to push myself into a deep depression like that. It's already hard enough to keep my head up.

Fun & Play: A great day at NSS. I was legitimately said to have a weekend stretched out ahead of me. Only one great plan, and then a whole lot of time to feel sad about not running. I'd much rather work with my tribe. Lunched with HH & BL, chitchat & plotting a ROUS event. Followed along with Aaron E some, out on his 100-mile race out in Utah. Honestly, I can't get over the fact that this shit is even possible, though I've seen BK rock 4 of them now. ONE HUNDRED MILES. ON FOOT. It's mind-blowing. (And meanwhile I can't even run one mile. Snifffff.) Silent house, cool fall evening, loving pets, early bedtime.

Temperance: Lunching with a pair of besties, I felt like a Debbie Downer, sitting there being sad about not running. HATE that I become so thoroughly useless without my activity/ies. I can say that I didn't bawl to Dustin (I had the chance) or Mike, or to HH/BL, but I sure did go home and bawl to my pets. And then I had a guilt-induced shame party while thinking about MB, truly immobile as her body absorbs a brand new ankle. How thrilled would she be to have my physical troubles? So why am I so pathetic about it? And etc.

I'm the mostest funnest evah right now.

Thursday, September 24

Nutrition: Elden's now has FOUR flavors of Arctic Zero. And cheezecake!
  • 2 Larabars
  • pint AZ

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 79% quality.

Healthy Movement: Core still painful, had to adjust session. Dustin commended me on holding my shit together, but I made it clear that I most certainly am not doing so, only managing myself in public. I'm most definitely falling apart, more so as the T&S nears and my likelihood of going shrinks & shrinks, which absolutely slices me in half, thoroughly guts me.

Fun & Play: A day at NSS. A fun session o' smartassery. Fake ice cream & cheesecake! Silent house, though that's also a problem. See: overthinking.

Temperance: When a supposed bestie announces a move to the Cities on Facebook, and you had no prior/separate notice? You're going to feel like shit. Like I did all day. I tried & I tried to remind myself that "Nothing others do is because of you" but it made two besties in one month who announce major life changes...and I found out after the fact, along with the masses, like I was a nobody. That hurts, deeply. After alternating between rage and grief and hate (not-running maximizes emotions, you dig?) all day, I caved and dropped a text, and learned it's officially happening, but there's no date set yet. But his tone (via text, I know) was dismissive of my hurt feelings, and so that hurt, too. I'm just an overly-sensitive mess, on every level, and I'm aware of it, but I can't get myself dug out.

Wednesday, September 24

Nutrition: Fuck it, I'm done tracking. I clearly eat enough, and it's annoying the hell out of me to track it. DONE. 
  • 530a-eggs, chicken sausage, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar
  • 1130-hot dog w/ stir fry veg, SB&J toast
  • 215p-Larabar
  • 330-cocoa banana chips dipped in SB
  • 6-baby carrots w/ guac, carnitas & guac on rice crackers
  • 550 P, 850 F, 850 C = 2250 total

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 98% quality. Solid, woke naturally, though I felt like I could have dozed much longer.

Healthy Movement: Core is just slightly improved from yesterday, not as fierce, but still felt on every step, unless I walked funny. Icing, stretching, massaging, crying. Sad sad sad. Perfect fall day and I'm barely able to fetch my stupid groceries. 

Fun & Play: Being to work early and having computer time (rather than work time, I guess). FB fun. BB chitchat. Ran into a Sauk friend and truly enjoyed our chat, didn't want it to end, basically the opposite of most grocery convos. 

Temperance: Would you believe I heard a TS Finance peep was leaving, and I felt guilty that I won't be there to cover for him? I just feel badly for the peeps left who will have to shoulder it, when they're already smashed down. 

Stress Management: Renters. What a fucking headache they are. PSA: live within your means so you can pay for your life, and for the love of whatever god you choose, do what you say you're going to do

Tuesday, September 23

Nutrition:
  • 5a-eggs, chicken sausage, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 815-Larabar
  • 1045-fruit, Larabar
  • 1215p-chicken, potatoes, veg
  • 245-apple
  • 5-apple, rice crackers
  • (6-hike)
  • 630-bacon jerky, crackers
  • 450 p, 1075 c, 500 f, 2025 total

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 82% quality.

Healthy Movement: Muthafucking OWIE. The right core hurt all night, yelling every time I rolled over. It's just as bad as it was after its first freakout a month ago. Hurt to stretch, did it anyway; hurt to massage, did not do it. Iced. Worst tightness was after sitting, with some slight improvement after a dozen steps or so, but still enough to alter my gait. Sitting was a relief for the core, but made the rest of the body antsy. On drive home, stopped at & climbed up Inspiration Peak. I discovered that turning in my right root, pigeon-toed, the pain is gone. That's taking the work off the strained spot, I guess. Pain is mostly felt on the back, down into outside hip, but stretching also makes the front scream. This sucks so badly; I don't understand how it's not getting better with a month of PT.

Fun & Play: My tax peeps are a great fun bunch. Silly texts with my trail besties. Inspiration Peak was gorgeous. The house was silent.

Stress Management: Injury fears. Absent, working hubs. Being told my renters were a topic of the town city council meeting, possible drugs, what the hell?!

Monday, September 21

Nutrition: My skin is freaking out. Hulksmash my own face?
  • 545-eggs, chicken sausage, Slawsa, tapioca toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 845-larabar
  • 11-larabar
  • (lifting)
  • 115p-hot dog, stir fry veg, carrot cake muffin
  • 230-rice crackers
  • 445-apple, macadamia nuts
  • (545-run)
  • 7-macadamia nuts
  • 8-apple, pint AZ
  • total 1900: 500 p, 550 f, 850 c

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 80% quality. Pretty solid.

Healthy Movement: Feeling fairly good. A fantastic session. A run that began perfectly, but ended with right core pain just as fierce as the first time, but earlier. I was working to NOT LIMP back to my car. Fuck. At home I stretched (hurt like hell), iced, and the hot-tubbed (while eating fake ice cream to ice from the inside [okay, not really, but yes to eating fake ice cream in the hot tub]).

Fun & Play: A fantastic day at NSS with my peeps. Session with my chief. 40 minutes of perfection on the Andes trails.

Stress Management: This core thing, no better than a month ago, and the Train & Stay in just 2.5 weeks. How on earth can I go do that when 3 miles takes me down? What the fuck can I do?

Plus: a shitty friend + a hubs beginning his shitty work schedule + running injury  = sad, lonely girl.

Sunday, September 20

Nutrition:
  • 745a-eggs, hot dog, Slawsa, tapioca toast, coffee with coconut milk
  • 1030-SB&J toast
  • (1130-workout)
  • 1p-fried egg sandwich with cheeze, carnitas, Slawsa
  • 3-olive oil potato chips, bootch
  • 6-SB&J & honey pancakes, carrot cake muffin
  • total 3050 (oops): 325p, 750f, 1975c

Sleep: 9.75 (!) hours in bed, 930p-715a, 96% quality. Slept as late as Hanky would let me. 

Healthy Movement: Sleep made a big difference in how things are feeling. Felt all set to do some heavy lifting, then realized I have Dustin tomorrow due to a Tuesday tax class, so I shouldn't do All The Things today. Damn! Did some playing and then intense PT focus work. Right core does hurt, but not fierce like initial onset.

Fun & Play: Coffee on the deck in the sunshine with my Hanky. FB silliness. Chores knocked out. Hubs time. Fetch. Lots of time in the sunshine. Lots of reading. Coloring.

Saturday, September 19

Nutrition: Oh man. Just recording everything to the point through "before supper," I felt anxiety tallying it up to 1475. Like I shouldn't eat much for supper, that's already a lot: a conditioned gut reaction from my time of restriction, which ended something like two years ago, but which, apparently, is still thatclose. UGH, I hate that it goes so deep. To combat that nonsense, I had an entire pizza for supper. (Actually, mostly because I felt terribly depleted.)
  • 5a-eggs, hot dog, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar
  • (run)
  • 11-Renola, cashews
  • 2p-hot dog w/ stir fry veg, SB&J toast
  • (nap)
  • 5-jalapeno meat stick
  • 630p-Daiya pizza, bootch
  • 2700 total: 375 p, 1675 c, 650 f

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 830p-445a, 74% quality. A bit crappy. Napped 3-430p, not all that great as Hank woke me.

Healthy Movement: Body felt good. Stood all morning at Andes, early & chatting, then off to my aid station to stand in the woods for just over an hour. Walked back to the start, maybe a half-mile, still feeling fine. Ran with Heidi to learn IT was great but core was not. I'll take it; I can handle the core pain as long as it doesn't get fierce like three weeks ago, and extend into the following days. Lots more standing around, helping clean up, more standing around, then finally home, where I iced both IT & core as I ate, then napped, badly needed. Remained low-energy after that. Noticed that QLs on both sides feel sore & tight. Really wonder what is causing that; whatever it is, it seems that it's really both sides, just that the right side is fatiguing/failing faster on a run.

Fun & Play: Nature. Besties. Cute kid of bestie. Pets. Silence.

Temperance: Feeling supremely disappointed in a friend. This is incredibly hard for me to handle. It fills me with disappointment in myself for being so foolish as to put so much stock in a person. I'm trying to find the balance between feeling like I'm wasting extensive time & energy on someone who doesn't much value me, and the first of The Paradoxical Commandments, which I believe are a solid life guide:

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

-Dr. Kent M. Keith

Friday, September 18

Nutrition: Yesterday I overate carbs. Today, fats. Tomorrow, protein?
  • 6a-eggs, bacon, toast, coffee
  • Little more coffee
  • 830-Larabar 
  • 1030-cashews
  • 1230p-eggs, ham, potatoes (Trav's)
  • 330-cashews
  • 630-fried egg sandwich topped with cheeze & carnitas, decaf
  • 2100 calories: 700 p, 800 f, 600 c

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 80% quality. Pretty solid, though the alarm had to wake me.

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent. Massaging IT band in the morning showed several spots of tenderness. Saw James and he asked me which spot was most troublesome and I said the IT band was most worrisome, and he said he wasn't worried about that at all. What?! Perhaps an under-reaction, but a nice counter-balance to what my brain's been saying. He told me to run this weekend, keep it short and easy, keep up the stretch/massage/ice combo, and come back on Friday. Fingers crossed!

Fun & Play: NSS day! James. Second breakfast with Holea, lovely hearing about her trip. BB brought me eggs! Silent house. Coloring. Deer in the backyard, and spazzing dogs because of it. Weekend plans to include volunteering with my besties, and that is IT: perfection.

Thursday, September 17

Nutrition: Whelp, today I made sure I wouldn't be low on calories: entire bag o' chips in mah bellay!

  • 545a-eggs, bacon, tapioca toast, coffee w/ CM
  • lots more coffee
  • (deadlifting fun)
  • 915-Larabar
  • 1115-hot dog w/ stir-fry veg
  • 130p-bootch, raw cashews
  • 3-Larabar 
  • 6-carnitas & potato chips
  • total 2550: p 400, c 1550, f 600

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 79% quality. Woke h/s/g at 3a, but not enough to need to get up.

Healthy Movement: Lower back has remained tight, felt it on some of the deadlifts where I wasn't locking out perfectly at the top, but when my focus was there, it was fine. Left hamstring has a little more stretch ROM, yet it felt tighter during deadlifts. Also still have a slightly-tweaked left shoulder muscle (not the James-worthy issue from before, something new!). BK canceled the trail work (not needed), which freed me up to do whatever, perhaps a walk in the woods. But I kind of hate walking in the woods when it's because I can't run. I want to fucking RUN, yo. Instead I parked my ass on the deck, enjoying the cool sunshine with a funny podcast in my ears. That was nice. And I did my PT like it was a second workout.

Fun & Play: NSS day! Early-morning session with the birthday girl. Working on the NSS website: fun! BB chitchat. HB chitchat & 2nd breakfast plans. BK chitchat. HH chitchat.

I love my peeps so very much. And I miss them all so very much.

Wednesday, September 16

Nutrition: Here we go. Tracking intake for maybe a week to make sure I'm eating enough. Lawd, I hate doing this.
  • 6a: eggs, [industrial, super fatty] bacon, tapioca toast, coffee w/ coconut milk
  • lots more coffee
  • 9-Larabar
  • 1115-hot dog w/ veg stir fry
  • 130p-banana, smoked almonds
  • 445-macadamias
  • (530-tire/rope workout)
  • 615-chicken w/ mustard, fruit, SB&J toast, bootch
  • 1950 cal: 450p, 750c, 750f

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 81% quality. Woke a couple times, even h/s/g at 330a, but fell back easily enough.

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent, though lower back is a bit tight (I blame DBB desk setup). Used The Stick on IT band in the morning, owie. Decided that even though the end of the day meant a shot brain & aching feet, I would normally be LCSP-ing with HH despite that, so I should do something. So I did. But fuuuuck, do I ever miss the woods.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Quiet, solo office, which also means I can play whatevah I want on Pandora; spent the morning in pop, the afternoon in the heaviest metal. Some FB silliness. A bit of time outside. Hubs time. Pets time.

Tuesday, September 15

Nutrition: Starting to wonder if the many injuries could be partially attributed to low calories. I feel like I eat plenty, but I may track for a while just to rule that out. (UGH to tracking.)

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 95% quality. I wouldn't call it that good, but it was decent.

Healthy Movement: Still feeling some all-over fatigue, a slow brain, etc. Got to James nice & early in the day so that my IT band fears were soothed early on, and Dustin was relieved of that duty. Session actually went well, much much better than I expected based on the brain state.

Fun & Play: NSS day. James. Dustin. Worked a long day to catch up on my work and make up for James, and I just plain loved it anyway; that place is home. I enjoy DBB, but I fucking LOVE being at NSS. I so look forward to the day I can be full-time.

Monday, September 14

Nutrition: Nothing unusual.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 82% quality. Pretty solid.

Healthy Movement: Core isn't bad. Ham & IT feel fine, but nothing done to test it. Feet got fat, and lower back got tight, just standing all day at DBB. Very tired, and a little dumb. Debated a short noon walk to wake up, but decided the stupid IT mandated full rest.

Fun & Play: Being able to sleep in at least a little bit. Lovely coworkers. Sunshine. A silent house for a good hour when I got home. Pets and hubs time.

Sunday, September 13

Nutrition: Hunger balancing back to normal after being ravenous on Saturday.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 1145p-745a, 88% quality. I slept like a goddamn rock.

Healthy Movement: Woke up feeling fairly good, just tired. IT band wasn't even felt, I could drop into a squat & move easily. We all went on a hike, and the IT band flared up immediately. Bastard. Sitting in the car for 4 hours turned the shoulder crank. Rat bastard.

Fun & Play: Time alone on the lakeshore, trying to clear my brain and just listen to the waves. It worked for a while. Tiny little moments on the hike. Late lunch at the Duluth Grill, bestest restaurant evah. Home.

Temperance: I hate when these weekends end, even when they were painful. They are too good to leave, so impossible to walk away from. I hated seeing cornfields instead of mountains and trees and Lake Superior. I missed her & her rocks before they even left my view.

Superiorday, September 11-12

Nutrition:
  • Not sure how many Larabars, probably within reason
  • Honey-sweetened all-natural peanut butter
  • some chews while attempting to pace

Sleep:7.25 hours in bed, 1015p-530a, 88% quality. Slept really well, given a strange bed in a strange place.

Healthy Movement: Felt pretty good all day, while crewing. Didn't do any PT, but the core felt better than it has since the run in which it went south, so I continued to not-do it; left hamstring was great, although I didn't stretch it to a point where it might have told me otherwise. But while pacing, the body let me down in almost every way it could. Very, very, very frustrating.

Fun & Play: All day(s) in the woods, with gorgeously perfect weather. Time on the shore, listening to the lake's secrets. Hopscotching my bestie to help him through his mostest incrediblest race evah. Going back to help HH through her 50-miler, delivering hugs & love & wiping away her tears. New friends. Old friends. New friends who are freaking trail legends, and incredibly kind souls. DOGS! I wanted to steal Talla (Tallah? Thalla?) something fierce; possibly the best dog I've ever met. The nature and the people filled my bucket.

Stress Management/Temperance: Despite all of the goodness, I spent the second half of this day (technically all day Saturday, I guess) hating my body. So sad, so frustrated, just defeated by its repeated failures.

I tried to look at this with the viewpoint of me clearly being a legit athlete, injuries like this don't happen to couch potatoes, etc, but it didn't work, because I spent the day surrounded by athletes, and they all seemed capable of trucking along through mile after mile. I heard war stories that made me question the sanity of some continuing onward, while being infinitely impressed with the mental strength they displayed in doing so.

And I feel I showed zero mental strength. I knew that I physically couldn't run through this IT band problem, that was simply not an option. I didn't feel mentally weak because of that. BUT, it has taken me down so completely, so often, that I just lost all hope that I can ever truly be a runner, and that sent the brain straight to rock bottom. Broken.

Add that to physical exhaustion, and I confess that I was less than the person I want to be. I was able to show enthusiasm & was genuinely happy to be with my seldom-seen trail peeps; thankful that socializing kept me boosted. But had they not been there, I know I would have curled up into a ball of self-pity, and completely self-destructed.

I was trying to do one of my most favoritest things, run with my bestie to help him achieve greatness, and it broke me. Trying to help my friend gave me a third injury. The unfairness of it just fills my throat with pain, even days later. I am broken physically, and I am broken mentally.

All I could see was my Fall, the very best season to be a runner, spent missing out on all those hours with my beloveds. During the run (okay, the trudge) to the A/S, I could not cry: you can't see rocks & roots! So I set it aside, mostly. Then, immediately post-run, the focus was on BK & DQ, so all the following hours that I spent crewing alone, cold & tired & in the dark, there was no one to help me save my brain from itself. It got very, very, very low. It remains there.

Thursday, September 10

Nutrition:
  • 2 larabars

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 930p-515a, 77% quality. In late due to packing. Wide awake, h/s/g at 330a. Didn't get up, but seriously debated staying up and just going to NSS at 530a, but I was still sleepy tired.

Healthy Movement: Session was fantastic beastliness. Sitting in a car for 4 hours of the afternoon was not. Core was better but still somewhat there. James decided it's more likely a tendinitis, which sucks, but it means I won't cause any damage by running through it, so I shall. Feet got fat even on 4-hour car ride up to Two Harbors: redonk.

Fun & Play: NSS, cranking out website updates: fun! Session, and with Jan & Michelle. James. Superior time!! Riding up to the excitement, reading a good book. Volunteering and seeing SO MANY of my trail peeps, plus making new friends. (New hot tip: volunteer at the merch table, because they will insist you model the gear. Free tee, woo hoo!) Cabin on the lake. Race logistics & excitement.

Wednesday, September 9

Nutrition: Still impressed by my lowered hunger without running. Trusting the body works!
  • Larabars: 2
  • way too many smoked almonds
  • GF hamburger bun, 4th in a package of 4; first was on Sunday, think I forgot to note them

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 88% quality. A touch choppy, rolling over meant a loudly yelling right hip/core, but I got up feeling rested.

Healthy Movement: Right core is definitely hurting from that tiny little 20-minute run. I'm not wincing & limping like I did after that Andes run, but certainly more than I would've expected for 20 minutes of movement. Frustrated. Rest of body feels good, that's something (but not enough).

Fun & Play: Bit of a putzy morning. Challenging work at DBB (which also super drained my brain). Superior logistics chitchat with BK & DQ: we leave tomorrow, eep! Dustin chitchat on tomorrow's schedule.

Temperance: Juggling tomorrow's schedule with Dustin actually made me frustrated with myself for squeezing in volunteering on Thursday night at packet pickup. Before I did that, we didn't have a hard time other than the race meeting, which is fairly late. Wish I had left it that way, as leaving earlier messes with NSS, while leaving later messes with volunteering. Lose-lose! This is a result of me trying to do All The Things. Some day I'll learn.

Tuesday, September 8

Nutrition:
  • 2 Larabars

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 97% quality. Didn't feel THAT awesome, but it was solid.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder felt fantastic all day. Like, didn't think about it until I was chitchatting at the grocery store with a 30-lb basket in my left hand for 10 minutes. Oof, that was pulling on the wrong spot. Left hamstring: most excellent! Session felt pretty fantabulous. Right core: James visit that gave me permission to try a run. It didn't go well. God. Fucking. Damn. It. All.

Fun & Play:  NSS day! Session happiness. About 5 lovely minutes of running. Hubs time.

Monday, September 7

Nutrition:
  • 1 Larabar

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 11p-645a, 68% quality. Solid, but not enough. In late due to the bonfire: worth it.

Healthy Movement: Tight calves outta bed, due to jump rope, but otherwise fine. Right core took a step backward. Left shoulder feels great. Left hamstring is significantly better. Was jonesing to do something, anything, so I did what felt smart, given Dustin tomorrow. Really felt like I could have done a lot more, but obviously I need to conserve & recover.

Fun & Play: Coffee on the deck with Hank & the barbell book. Food prep accomplished. Pets all brushed, mounds of fur flying in the yard. Superior list-making. Family time. More hours outdoors than in: perfection!

Sunday, September 6

Nutrition:
  • hefty dose of honey on paleo pancakes PWO

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 1015p-615a, 81% quality. Quite solid.

Healthy Movement: Got up with only the left upper arm feeling a bit crank; feel like maybe the rows on Thursday are to blame. Logged a workout that was super kickass. I was craving back squats, and they felt much better, had full ROM without hamstring anger (didn't go heavy, though). Bench was a bit harder than it should've been, but rather solid. RDLs seemed to have full ROM! I added a finisher that included carries (I love them) & jump rope, a decent substitute for running that I should've been doing a week ago. Can't believe Dustin didn't suggest it, since that's how he prepped for the Fargo marathon relay.

Did a shit-ton of pulls in order to reach ONE MEELLION POUNDS today. You know, the goal I set for 12/31. BOOM. And then I did like 10 more, because, why not?

At night we had a bonfire, and I played chase with Hank for a little bit. Like 60 seconds of dashing around in the grass. And the right core did flare up some. Are you kidding me right now?!

Fun & Play: Coffee on the deck with a book for a nice long while: fantabulousness. Excellent workout. Healing injuries. So. Much. Reading. Finished the book about JFK and started in on one about lifting that has been sitting here for years. And already picked up some nuggets. Chores smashed out. Pet time. Hubs time. Bonfire full of beautimonious stars. Two straight days not leaving the house: winning!

Saturday, September 5

Nutrition: Well, after bragging about my low appetite yesterday, today I ate an entire pizza for lunch, and craved chips at supper. So...I dunno.

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 9p-615a, 92% quality. Took a while to fall asleep, monkey mind over the day at NSS. Solid after that, though, and slept in an hour past normal, yippee!

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling fine other than problem spots. After a nice bout of laziness in morning, decided on a rehab workout rather than a bonus lifting workout. Listening to what the body wants, not what the brain craves: wise. But frustrating. But I guess it's working, as everything seems to be improving.

Fun & Play: Lazy, quiet, slow-moving, coffee-filled, enjoyable morning outdoors. So many pages read. Hubs time. Pets time. Some chores cranked out. Superior planning & chitchat.

Friday, September 4

Nutrition: As my running has been cut out, my appetite has also dropped.I have sometimes reminded myself I should be a little careful about over-indulging, but I haven't really felt the urge to do so. I'm just...less hungry. I can FEEL the difference. Interesting.
  • 2 Larabars

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 77% quality.

Healthy Movement: Feeling markedly better without the running, but I miss it like an addict. Had PT appointment with James who prescribed continued rest until I see him again on Tuesday. GAH. While I was there, I asked about the hamstring tear, and learned that "leave it alone" was the absolutely wrong course of action. I shall now be adding hamstring-related PT to my twice-daily core-related PT, and resuming shoulder PT whenever it flares up, like it did today. Pretty soon Imma have to get up at 4am just to work on all my problem areas. Dafuq, body?!

Fun & Play: A good day at NSS. Like, I was productive and useful and valued, and the day flew by. I wanted to hug everyone all day long; I was just filled to overflowing with love for that place and those people, and MAN, I couldn't be more thrilled to be there. It is my home, with my tribe. Lovelovelove. Later, at home, sheer laziness. Started a 500-page book as my weekend replacement for running.

Thursday, September 3

Nutrition: I don't think I mentioned it, but my acne has been fierce for the past week. Could be sugar, could be the meals out and getting soy oil. Most of it has been on my chin area, which bothers me less than on my forehead (about which I am already self-conscious, ever since junior goddamn high...do those things EVER go away?!) so at least there is that silver lining.
  • 2 Larabars

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 90% quality. Solid, with some dozing in the early morning.

Healthy Movement: Did my PT like a good student. Left hamstring was improved, could tell in session warm-up it's a touch better, and never even THOUGHT about it on deadlifts until the final set. Left shoulder did get a little crank in the afternoon, plus some muscle on the upper arm is acting tight & crank, though that feels minor. Hit a total-rep PR on pulls in session, after a deadlift PR "for this era" which I wouldn't really count, but all was nice for the brain. Trained with Paige instead of Chief, and while I love Paige, I love Chief mostest. I don't like subs. Or change. Or injuries.

Added more pulls in the afternoon, and they didn't feel terrible, so I did enough to hit 115. That happens to be a single-day PR. I actually knew I'd done 114 once, so I only inched up one more. Why blast past the ability to set all kinds of PRs? I figure I could do one insanely-high day per month like that, maybe do 120 on NYE to send the year off right. I also figured out that on Tuesday I will hit 1,000,000 pounds of pull-ups - which, again, was my original goal for the entire YEAR. Kick ass! 

Fun & Play: Fabulously fun day at NSS. Solid session, PRs, pull-up mania. Skipped an LAPW outing after work (just didn't feel like it) and did not feel guilty. Instead I spent an hour reading on my deck, surrounded by my 4-legged babies, and finished the book Joy lent me. Loved. It. So. Much.

Wednesday, September 2

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • second breakfast at restaurant (sketchy on prep, probably some soybean oil)

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed 9p-530a, 80% quality. Woke a few times, but always easily back.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling about the same as yesterday, plus some added quad soreness due to front squats. Did my PT before leaving for work and again and bedtime, as prescribed. Area was very tender today, a reaction to all the manipulation, I'd say. 

Fun & Play: My morning PT involved laying on the couch to hang my leg off the side, so my head was resting on Hanky's rump, bonus attention which he loved. Beautiful misty sunrise on my commute. Productive day. Lunch with the parents and an awesome aunt. Knocked out dad's monthly bookwork. BB chitchat. Goofy Hank antics. Hubs time. 

Tuesday, September 1

Nutrition:
  • 2 Larabars
  • all the smoked almonds!

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 845p-5a, 85% quality. Weird quality, given I was more awake than not for the final 2 hours. Tossing & turning & as close to H/S/G as I can get, without getting up. Ugh. Got up feeling happy, though, because NSS day!

Healthy Movement: Hip/core felt about the same, nothing really changed from yesterday. Shoulder also about the same. Warm-up in session showed some slight improvement on the left hamstring, so that was a happy note. Shoulder cooperated for pull-ups, although they felt hard again; it was also a touch unstable on bench but it held.

Because James had called NSS for HB in the morning, I got to chat with him for a few seconds, and he ended up calling me back with an appointment opening for TODAY! He laid the blame on primarily my quadratus lumborum & secondarily my sartorius. His twice-a-day prescription: some work to fatigue it, stretch it, some work to fatigue it, stretch it more agressively, massage. He proclaimed optimism because they are muscles, lots of good blood flow gets them healing faster (as opposed to tendons, etc), and all of this should make a difference fairly quickly. I love that man! He told me not to run before I come back on Friday, and also that I may not be running before Superior. Which I can handle; running 15 miles after 2 weeks off will suck it big time, but not more than dragging this pain out by a bunch of attempts at 5, or something foolish.

Fun & Play: NSS. Happy HB chitchat. Everyone was chitchatty today, was an extra fun day. Good talk with chief boss man on work stuff. James visit. Blood donation. Stayed late to make up the James/donation time, and got quite a bit accomplished when I buckled down & hammered it out.

When I prepared payroll on Friday, I put fun little notes into everyone's stub (MK gave me some cool WTF posty notes so they became "Way too fabulous!" & the like), but of course I skipped mine. But tonight when I got home, I saw that Mike put one in for me:

I love that man!


Temperance: Good talk with Chief during session. He complimented me on maintaining my perspective with the injury, my newfound ability to hold it together despite these setbacks, even going all the way back to the hamstring tear timeline. I appreciated that little dose of recognition so very much (Yay, I'm being an adult! Praise me!) because it's hard not to fall apart.

It's hard not to get caught up in thinking that these things that bring so much fulfillment actually define me. I know that they don't. They may help to define me, they most certainly shape me, but they are not who I am. And yet despite knowing that, it's much easier to cave to the feeling that these things are hugely important. It would be so much easier to whine & cry & thrash, but I also know that it's SO MUCH harder to pull myself back up out of that in the end. Like it's a brutally hot day, but I'm taking the long way around a cold, deep, muddy-bottomed pond, because I know the pond will only be a short relief before it turns into far more work than simply walking around it.

I credit this dose of wisdom to years of such battles, the increased sleep, the near-total lack of stress in my life, and the all-knowing mini-Dustin inside my head. I love that man!