Thursday, July 30

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • smoked almonds de amazeballs
  • Daiya cheeze pizza

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 84% quality. Solid as shit, but again the alarm woke me & it didn't feel like quite enough. Am I still catching up from Tahoe, 1.5 weeks later?

Healthy Movement: Body felt pretty good today, no lingering anything other than that hamstring. It didn't like deadlifts in session; ended up doing rather squatty deadlifts on the trapbar to avoid angering it. Just feels tight, and today it was at both ends, whereas some days it's the top or the bottom that's worse. It's definitely improving, though, as it was perfectly happy during TGUs, where I usually feel it in those hinges. Happy pull-ups!

Fun & Play: Deer walking through the backyard, and watching them with Hank & Oscar. NSS & no jury duty! My first weekly meeting with Dustin, which was great. Silliness in the staff meeting. Was super productive, I have made insane progress on this project they threw at me. I know they expected me to be higher-level than I am (and high-level has served THEM quite well, look at what they've accomplished!) and didn't expect me to take quite this long on it, and heck, they probably won't appreciate the effort or understand my need to build it all from the ground up, but when it's still working for us in 3 years, I think that they'll get it! A genius end-of-day idea from CJ to fetch Caribou for everyone in the morning. Quiet house. Fetch. Pizza!

Temperance: Each week in the NSS staff meeting, they update the group on personal & professional goals. Dustin gave me a heads-up last week, but I couldn't come up with anything, nothing, that I wanted to claim as a goal. Like, I didn't even want a goal. In the meeting I just said I was goal-less and aimless, and I got off with that. The past couple days I've dome some dwelling, and I realized that I hate the idea of setting goals (for me). I said a much-watered-down form of all this in today's meeting, and everyone let me get away with it, even Dustin, so it's not an NSS issue at all, it's a Sabrina issue. And here it is:

I spent so many years being so very goal-driven, achieving cool things left & right...so it may have seemed. Because for a while, yes, I accomplished everything I set out to do. But at some point, I began to fail constantly. I couldn't do anything, or anything quite as well as I had planned, so I either scaled back goals (a 4:38 Boston Marathon after qualifying with 3:48!), or gave up on goals (body fat, muscle-up, etc), because it became clear that my original goal was too ambitious.

Being a driven overachiever who is also highly emotional, I saw those adjustments or abandonments as personal failures. I took them as a sign that I sucked, rather than logically realizing my goals were not achievable to start with.

Because on paper, they were!

But in the reality of my weak willpower pathetic self beaten mindset overbooked life, they simply weren't.

But in my mind, I failed constantly. My own ambition beat me to smithereens.

So my recent, and fervent, desire to quit racing, quit competing, just STOP PUSHING, all stemmed from that. I realized I could just enjoy the running & lifting for what they are & how they feel & what they do for me, and without a competition I still do all those things just as frequently, maybe more so. That has led me to a place where I am [mostly] content to be where I am: a decent runner, a decent lifter, not injured, able to do most of what I want. So. Much. Happier.

The idea of turning any of that back into a specific measurable goal, with an end date, and thus with the giant, horrible, no-good, very-bad, fanged dragon of failure hovering just behind that date, makes me clench my fists & grit my teeth. I have a visceral reaction in the exact same way as the phrase "obedient wife" causes. (NO NO NO NONONO NOFUCKINGNO!)

It would actually de-motivate me to say I have a goal of 25 ring pull-ups. If, every single week, I had to talk about how many pull-ups I could do, how far I am from 25, then for me it would insinuate that today's 22 is "bad" - because it's not 25, which is when I'll finally be "good." I'm going to start to hate pull-ups if I have to constantly talk about how I'm not where I want to be!

I want a bodyweight bench so badly I can taste it, but I'm not going to turn that into a worrisome angsty obsession. I will get there when my body is ready, and I will not benefit from turning it into a do-or-die focus. Some people, many people, might benefit hugely from such a focus. But I will not, and I know this to my core. If I was lasered in on that, I would be lifting at home every weekend like I want to. But then I would do it even when I'm overly fatigued and should NOT be doing it, and that's when I get injured, and then depression ain't far behind. Instead, if I stay with my current focus, which is home lifting if it feels good & sounds fun, that's when Sabrina stays healthy and happy. If it means my BW bench moves out another month because I haven't been doing any home lifting, who cares? If I'm healthy & happy, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Now, I can do fairly well with long-term, habit-based, big-picture goals. A million pounds of pull-ups this year? Hell, I'll be there within a couple months. 1000 trail miles? A little sketchier on that one because it is pretty ambitious, but I'm on track if my fall goes well & I avoid injury & stay out on the trails when the weather turns. But I don't want to talk about those every week, bleah, no, that's not going to help me achieve them. Definitely not.

And ugh, professional goals? How about I get to sit on my ass for a little fucking while? I just dove head first off the corporate ladder, and I landed in my dream job, and my goal is to stay there. I will do awesome work, but I don't need goals to keep me on track & doing that...it's just how I operate. Holea suggested the spreadsheet I'm creating is a goal, but I don't think it is: it's a project. That's not the same thing. I can't "achieve" it. I guess I can achieve FINISHING it by Tuesday when I meet with M & D, but that feels like a cop-out, not a true goal. I'll have it done by then because it needs to be done by then, period.

So.

I don't know.

I can't really wrap a pretty bow around this mess of goal angst. It feels like it could be a true blog post, but I'm not yet through to a clean & clear viewpoint. Some day, maybe.

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