Thursday, July 30

  • Larabars: 2
  • smoked almonds de amazeballs
  • Daiya cheeze pizza

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 84% quality. Solid as shit, but again the alarm woke me & it didn't feel like quite enough. Am I still catching up from Tahoe, 1.5 weeks later?

Healthy Movement: Body felt pretty good today, no lingering anything other than that hamstring. It didn't like deadlifts in session; ended up doing rather squatty deadlifts on the trapbar to avoid angering it. Just feels tight, and today it was at both ends, whereas some days it's the top or the bottom that's worse. It's definitely improving, though, as it was perfectly happy during TGUs, where I usually feel it in those hinges. Happy pull-ups!

Fun & Play: Deer walking through the backyard, and watching them with Hank & Oscar. NSS & no jury duty! My first weekly meeting with Dustin, which was great. Silliness in the staff meeting. Was super productive, I have made insane progress on this project they threw at me. I know they expected me to be higher-level than I am (and high-level has served THEM quite well, look at what they've accomplished!) and didn't expect me to take quite this long on it, and heck, they probably won't appreciate the effort or understand my need to build it all from the ground up, but when it's still working for us in 3 years, I think that they'll get it! A genius end-of-day idea from CJ to fetch Caribou for everyone in the morning. Quiet house. Fetch. Pizza!

Temperance: Each week in the NSS staff meeting, they update the group on personal & professional goals. Dustin gave me a heads-up last week, but I couldn't come up with anything, nothing, that I wanted to claim as a goal. Like, I didn't even want a goal. In the meeting I just said I was goal-less and aimless, and I got off with that. The past couple days I've dome some dwelling, and I realized that I hate the idea of setting goals (for me). I said a much-watered-down form of all this in today's meeting, and everyone let me get away with it, even Dustin, so it's not an NSS issue at all, it's a Sabrina issue. And here it is:

I spent so many years being so very goal-driven, achieving cool things left & it may have seemed. Because for a while, yes, I accomplished everything I set out to do. But at some point, I began to fail constantly. I couldn't do anything, or anything quite as well as I had planned, so I either scaled back goals (a 4:38 Boston Marathon after qualifying with 3:48!), or gave up on goals (body fat, muscle-up, etc), because it became clear that my original goal was too ambitious.

Being a driven overachiever who is also highly emotional, I saw those adjustments or abandonments as personal failures. I took them as a sign that I sucked, rather than logically realizing my goals were not achievable to start with.

Because on paper, they were!

But in the reality of my weak willpower pathetic self beaten mindset overbooked life, they simply weren't.

But in my mind, I failed constantly. My own ambition beat me to smithereens.

So my recent, and fervent, desire to quit racing, quit competing, just STOP PUSHING, all stemmed from that. I realized I could just enjoy the running & lifting for what they are & how they feel & what they do for me, and without a competition I still do all those things just as frequently, maybe more so. That has led me to a place where I am [mostly] content to be where I am: a decent runner, a decent lifter, not injured, able to do most of what I want. So. Much. Happier.

The idea of turning any of that back into a specific measurable goal, with an end date, and thus with the giant, horrible, no-good, very-bad, fanged dragon of failure hovering just behind that date, makes me clench my fists & grit my teeth. I have a visceral reaction in the exact same way as the phrase "obedient wife" causes. (NO NO NO NONONO NOFUCKINGNO!)

It would actually de-motivate me to say I have a goal of 25 ring pull-ups. If, every single week, I had to talk about how many pull-ups I could do, how far I am from 25, then for me it would insinuate that today's 22 is "bad" - because it's not 25, which is when I'll finally be "good." I'm going to start to hate pull-ups if I have to constantly talk about how I'm not where I want to be!

I want a bodyweight bench so badly I can taste it, but I'm not going to turn that into a worrisome angsty obsession. I will get there when my body is ready, and I will not benefit from turning it into a do-or-die focus. Some people, many people, might benefit hugely from such a focus. But I will not, and I know this to my core. If I was lasered in on that, I would be lifting at home every weekend like I want to. But then I would do it even when I'm overly fatigued and should NOT be doing it, and that's when I get injured, and then depression ain't far behind. Instead, if I stay with my current focus, which is home lifting if it feels good & sounds fun, that's when Sabrina stays healthy and happy. If it means my BW bench moves out another month because I haven't been doing any home lifting, who cares? If I'm healthy & happy, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Now, I can do fairly well with long-term, habit-based, big-picture goals. A million pounds of pull-ups this year? Hell, I'll be there within a couple months. 1000 trail miles? A little sketchier on that one because it is pretty ambitious, but I'm on track if my fall goes well & I avoid injury & stay out on the trails when the weather turns. But I don't want to talk about those every week, bleah, no, that's not going to help me achieve them. Definitely not.

And ugh, professional goals? How about I get to sit on my ass for a little fucking while? I just dove head first off the corporate ladder, and I landed in my dream job, and my goal is to stay there. I will do awesome work, but I don't need goals to keep me on track & doing's just how I operate. Holea suggested the spreadsheet I'm creating is a goal, but I don't think it is: it's a project. That's not the same thing. I can't "achieve" it. I guess I can achieve FINISHING it by Tuesday when I meet with M & D, but that feels like a cop-out, not a true goal. I'll have it done by then because it needs to be done by then, period.


I don't know.

I can't really wrap a pretty bow around this mess of goal angst. It feels like it could be a true blog post, but I'm not yet through to a clean & clear viewpoint. Some day, maybe.

Wednesday, July 29

Nutrition: Pretty hungry lately. Struggling to eat enough despite mounds of smoked almonds daily. Caved to three Larabars today, which sucks because acne is already kind of rotten, lots of little cysts going on.
  • 3 Larabars
  • Chocolate super cookies
  • Superb smoked almonds 

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 88% quality. Solid, but alarm had to wake me and it didn't quite feel like enough.

Healthy Movement: Ended my day barefoot at DBB, as the shoes were feeling really tight, but I didn't have fat feet at all. Weird. Not sore from squats, and eager to run, but felt rather tired by the time I got to LCSP. Happily, it went quite well, with only some random feelings of tightness from the hamstring, more on uphills but not consistently so. Definitely slow, and hoping I can get there often enough in August to hit the point where I can run all the hills without issue - like last fall. But before fall! I need to run more than three times per week to reach that point, though.

Fun & Play: Out of jury duty again* and thankful because it was a case scheduled to go into tomorrow. DBB progress on the insane tax return, and nice chats with a few folks. Trails with half of my besties & a bonus three (one of which was a pooch!) on a night that was much cooler, thus fewer mosquitoes & flies, oh so lovely. Fantastic supper from the hubs: bacon burgers & bacon-wrapped sweet potato. I've asked him why he's sucking up to me, and he says he isn't!

Stress Management: *but not until 11 this time, only able to leave after hearing 25 people answer a ton of questions and never being called up myself. But you can't bring anything to do; in case you ARE called up, you have to answer the same questions. Insanely frustrating to sit there and accomplish nothing at all, but also because I didn't get to work until quarter to noon, and I can't make up that time, nor do I have any kind of vacation there. At least, not yet. I might be able to earn 20% of whatever their policy is, but I actually don't know.

Temperance: Which brings up a bit of a sore point this week: I'm not NEW at either job, so there has been zero formal new-hire treatment at either place. And yet, I freaking AM new!

There is much I don't know about daily operations at NSS, because it's never been a part of what I did there, so I have never asked nor cared. I've been tossed into staff meetings with zero preface. There's a freaking team member handbook, and I've not received one! And there's been no announcement of any kind about me joining the team, which actually stings a lot. I am there because those peeps are my tribe, and the lack of fanfare sure doesn't make me feel like I am part of THEIR tribe. I'm telling myself it's because they don't so much see me as new, but still, how can they not?!

At DBB, I've only ever worked during tax season, other than a few visits to clients a few years ago - yes, I've been there for 13 tax seasons, but it would be nice to learn some of the "normal year" practices. I don't even know how formal or casual I can dress? I know I can ask, but it would be helpful to see some kind of policy info if they have any...but hell, maybe they don't have any, I don't know! Tax boss keeps things chill, which is completely awesome 99% of the time, but some defined things would be nice to know without asking or just wondering until I reach the point where it's been so damn long that I'd feel like an idiot for asking.

I don't want the sort of insane newbie orientation that TS had, NO THANK YOU MADAM, happy to be away from such formalities, but something would be nice? Something somewhere between that and nothing whatsoever, pure zero?

Tuesday, July 28

Nutrition: Acne is developing...from...?
  • Larabars: 2
  • Bestest smoked almonds 

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 79% quality. Woken at 4a by Hanky & the terrifying (to him) thunder as a storm rolled through. Managed to fall back, but alarm woke me at 5a. UGH.

Healthy Movement: Had to lift at 630a with CJ, thanks to jury duty. It went okay; squats stayed a touch light due to hamstring. After yesterday's crappy run, I was grateful it was a step better today, and want to keep it progressing. Big run this weekend. Didn't get sore from squats, a welcoming far cry from last week's three-day ache. 

Fun & Play: In the box for jury duty, but not selected, woo hoo! Got to NSS by 10 and then worked through lunch and past 4 to make up for that missing time. Fun times. Lots of time outside when I got home, lovely. Much hubs time.

Monday, July 27

Nutrition: I was hungry as hell at DBB today. Frustrating.
  • Larabars: 2
  • fuckton of smoked almonds

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 69% quality. Felt pretty effing solid to me, dunno what that's about. Woke at 5a and could've fallen back, seems I did, as the alarm started buzzing at 528a*. Need to turn in on the early side every night this week and see if that restores my recovery. *Going to make 530a my standard wake time; even on weekends this is probably when I want to get up for a long run, so I'm going to get me & those pooches all trained to it!

Healthy Movement: Standing at DBB got old fast. Lower legs were tight/sore; I still need mats at both places, but somehow it's easier at NSS; maybe I move more there? Ran in the blazing hot heat after work, and the sad/tight hamstring was a welcome excuse to quit early; heat + roads + solo = suck.

Fun & Play: A day at DBB! A challenging-as-hell tax return. Chitchatting about Tahoe with taxy peeps; I wonder how BK would feel knowing he's some kind of legend for those folks. A semi-okay run after yesterday's mental fail. Hubs time, including the possibility of taking the dogs camping so I can run on the SHT.


Sunday, July 26

  • smoked almonds

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 64% quality. Better; don't remember waking for anything. Napped post-run, 10a-12p or so, but chopped up by hubs.

Healthy Movement: Excitedly headed to Andes for singletrack delightful times with my favorites, but the body kind of failed me a bit, and the brain REALLY did. Napped afterward and felt a tiny bit better.

Fun & Play: Seeing my pals and nice, new, lovely trails. Nap. Hubs time.

Temperance: Hate the pity party that my run turned into. I kept thinking it was unfair that everyone else is so much faster, and I can't keep up. But I'm recovering from Tahoe, but so is Brian and HE is just fine, so why am I taking so long, but he's a dandelion and I'm a stupid orchid. Or Heidi just ran a hard ten miles yesterday and she says this is hard, but she's totally keeping up with the boys, so why do I suck so bad? It's because of lifting, but I LOVE lifting, and shouldn't it be good for me to do both, I mean COME ON. It's not fair, I'm trying so hard at all of this, and I put so much more effort into recovery than anyone else, why does it have to be SO HARD.

Saturday, July 25

  • Breakfast at Trav's
  • Larabars: 1
  • bag olive oil potato chips (healthy supper!)

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-530a, 60% quality. Awake (h/s/g) 2-230a, otherwise solid. Also napped 9-11a or so.

Healthy Movement: Ran an easy 5k with Monica. Legs still felt like hell (from squats) going in, but by the end, things felt just fine. No issue with hamstring. Intended to lift afterward, but a nap was more important. Rescheduled lifting to post-party, but by then I didn't want to do a damned thing. Forced a pull-up bonanza (40 in 11 minutes) and then called it good, and brought my book to my couch for the rest of the night.

Fun & Play: Run with Monica, first time we've ran in ages...since last fall, I'd say. Breakfast with Monica & Dan. Nap time. Keri's super fun awesome party, which was an incredible event that also included much lovely chitchat with many lovely TS peeps.

Time & ability to crash with my book. I sort of wanted to accomplish some chores, but it felt imperative to focus on full mental & physical recovery from Tahoe. Too soon back into normal life, too many social outings, high need to withdraw & shut down. Very grateful I had that luxury.

Friday, July 24

  • Larabars: 2
  • Pint Arctic zero

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 87% quality. Again solid, again alarm had to wake me. Total energy crash by 2p or so. Almost fell asleep during hammock time. 

Healthy Movement: Sore in biceps and elbows. Squat soreness is MUCH worse. Pretty much all quad, almost no backside; weird. And so very fierce; the kind people get addicted to but I now detest. I want to be strong, not sore. Friday rest day as usual. Feet were sore by 2p or so, found myself sitting & slacking due to physical & mental fatigue. 

Fun & Play: Significant progress on giant NSS project, enough to completely drain my brain power by 2p as I physically slowed. Nice chitchats with my NSS peeps. Got to share Tahoe stories with Colt and brag up BK. Lovely voice mail: no jury duty Monday...though maybe still on Tuesday. Gah. Hammock time. Reading time. Sunggly pets time. 

Thursday, July 23

  • Larabars: 1
  • Smoked almonds

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 82% quality. Solid. Alarm woke me, wanted more.

Healthy Movement: Pretty damned sore from yesterday's squats, like I'm a newbie or like I did a crazy quantity. Session went fine, hamstring better than yesterday; keep improving until I can forget all about you, please! Quads got progressively worse throughout the day.

Fun & Play: Day two at dream job! Progress on big project. Session with Timmy. Happy hour with TS peeps on the patio at BugaBoo, lovely but late.

Wednesday, July 22

  • Larabars: 1
  • Cobb salad at the depot
  • Most of a bag of olive oil potato chips

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 79% quality. Super solid. Alarm woke me.

Healthy Movement: Session showed easy fatigue but I moved well, no lingering aches or pains from the miles, just the hammie tweak. Sore legs from squats within two hours! Mainly quads, backside felt pretty decent. Ran the restauRUN 5k and it felt like I was doing 7-minute miles, yet only averaged 8:26. I should've slowed down and made it easy-peasy, but I was running with an out-of-towner, sharing fun stories, and somehow we stopped talking, buckled down, & flew to the finish. Slow would've been more fun.

Fun & Play: Day one at dream job! Distinct lack of fanfare, which was a disappointment, but many small, in-person moments of very nice things said. Big project dropped in my lap immediately; a tad stressful, but armed with my spreadsheets, I felt prepared for it. Session. ROUS outing.

TahoeWeek: Friday, July 17 - Tuesday, July 21

I didn't attempt to take notes at all, so this is a brain dump of everything, a week later.

  • Breakfast: if at hotel, SB&J toast (which I brought from home) + fruit; if out: eggs, ham, potatoes; both: all the coffee
  • Lunch & supper: Cobb salad or an approximation thereof
  • Snacks were smoked almonds, Larabars, bacon or pork jerky, apples or bananas, rice crackers & summer sausage & fake cheeze, cran-blueberry crunch, bootch; all brought from home, and utilized often, because otherwise I wouldn't have taken in enough calories from the meals out
  • Iffy things: breakfasts out; balsamic vinaigrette dressing; lotta sugar compared to my norm
  • Acne: a couple cysts early while there, and a smattering upon return

Sleep: Pretty terrible most of the time. Hotel bed was very hard, so Thursday/Friday evenings were bad. Saturday night, of course, was the race, but we got a 2-hour nap in on Sunday. Sunday night was the only one that we truly slept in & enjoyed, solid for all of us but poor BK. Monday night Hop drove 9p-7a, and my sleep was very choppy, but much more quantity than the drive out. I never want to road-trip through the entire night ever again. Fuck that noise; 3 out of 7 nights being awful sleep is NOT okay for this orchid. Napped on Tuesday when we got home, before anything was even unloaded from the truck.

Healthy Movement: On Friday I was still a bit achey after the drive. We hiked up to the aid station and while it was tough, it was also GORGEOUS, and it was helpful to learn what we were getting into for race day. That evening is when I finally realized I would somehow be putting on 50k for race day between crewing & pacing. (Shit!) Rest of the day was lazy. Saturday crewing was a lot of work. I was hurting in all my old injury-spots and worried that I'd be dropped by BK. I wasn't, but pacing was still a lot of work. Our last bit of Sunday crewing was pure survival mode. We were properly lazy the rest of the day, and I was aching in all my lower-body joints. On Monday, the joints continued to ache, as did extremely tight lower legs from that hill, and my upper back from hauling those bags on the final hike down. Tuesday was actually fairly good, but I again had super fat feet from the drive, and I was tired as a dog.

Fun & Play/Temperance/Socialization/Nature/etc: Despite all the sleep deprivation and the massive amount of work, Tahoe was pretty fun. So much nature. Gorgeous views, got my mountains and got my lake and also got to view some great bonus true snow-on-top mountains along the drive out as well, though I would much rather have been IN THEM than driving past them.

Got my Tunnel Creek Cafe. I also had to pick every other fucking restaurant we went to because I am so stupidly difficult, and that got old fast. I really began to resent my stupid food restrictions again. Why can't my symptom just be an aching gut? The handmade, from-scratch, meat-lover's pizza that hubs ate on Sunday night would've been completely worth a few hours of pain, but not two weeks of depression.

I liked Kate a lot more than I thought I might, though by the end she seemed too high-maintenance - although, nearly anyone would've been at that point in my tired life. Never got sick of the hubs, which is rare! I did often feel awkward & stifled, like I had to be careful how I interacted with BK, lest Kate or hubs get jealous. Felt hyper-aware of anything I said, but that was probably all in my head and nothing to do with them - hated that. I do wish I'd had more solo downtime, which was nonexistent since we all shared a room and during the race we sat around chatting & I never cracked my book. When I woke up on the early side Monday morning, I eagerly dashed out & down to breakfast to have a half hour by myself before everyone else got moving. On the bright side, the TV was NEVER ONCE turned on; we each had our own screen (phone) at our fingertips so no one wanted a blaring TV, which was freaking fantastic. I hate TV noise.

The race itself was a bit disappointing; it was very, very hard for me to see BK suffering from the altitude which was so completely out of our control, and not really know what to do, how to help. I much prefer for his problems to be easily solvable! It was also hard for me to have Kate helping him, since I have interpreted his preference for aid as being all-business, what is the problem & how do we fix it, yet she of course was full of empathy and emotion and I felt like I was interrupting to help out. But, not to sound like an arrogant asshole, she isn't as good as me at doing this! I want BK to have first-rate top-notch service, damn it, and that's what I provide. My spreadsheet, once I fixed it, worked like a charm, and I crew-chiefed that bitch like a pro. I did get a bit of wonderful thanks from  him during our snack break while pacing; he said, "Thank you for doing this. I don't say it enough, but I really do appreciate that you do all this for me." And I brushed it off, but it meant everything to hear him say that, because I really do run myself into the fucking ground for him sometimes, and definitely did so for this race. He offered to buy me a shirt or something afterward, but I don't need any more crap, and I don't need to spend his money. He can repay me with his company on trail miles, and that's all I want.

Hubs truly enjoyed himself despite all the miles he put on. We even talked about when the other big races are, and would he like to come along. I insisted none of my other crewing gigs have been remotely this hard, but he held up pretty damned well for this one. His knee hurt on the trek down from the A/S for the final time, but he barely complained. He is so easy. I love him very much and feel quite lucky to have him.

It wasn't all 100% good, but nothing is. ANd overall, there isn't much I would change. A massive success!

Thursday, July 16

~~Small town diner breakfast 
~~stupid shitty Applebee's salad (chicken + romaine + vinegar, that's it)
~~local bar's chef salad w/ balsamic vinaigrette that I had about a teaspoon of

Sleep: OOF, the worst. Dozed midnight-4, woke for a bit, we parked 4-7, but none of it well. Very uncomfortable, woke constantly. Gross. Tried to be mindful of not crunching left shoulder, but anything remotely comfy won out, since so few. 

Healthy Movement: Very fat feet. We went on a 2-mile stroll at the start/finish and it felt super wonderful to move. 

Fun & Play: Tahoe! Movement! 

Wednesday, July 15

~~2 Larabars
~~Subway salad
~~Bacon jerky
~~Beef stick
~~Salt & pepper potato chips

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 930p-515a, 75% quality. 

Healthy Movement: NONE. In truck 7am-midnight. Gross. Stiff early. Fat feet halfway through. 

Fun & Play: Tahoe bound! Books & magazines to read. Podcasts while I drove. 

Tuesday, July 14

  • Larabars:2
  • stupendous smoked almonds

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 89% quality. Solid, woke mostly naturally but reinforced by the Hankster. 

Healthy Movement: Sat most of the morning, shuttling to Sauk for job 2 & 3 stuffs. Session went really well, pulls were at the exact same numbers they were just before I visited James, and THIS time, I didn't have a fiercely sharp shoulder pain that made me want to cry all night. Woo hoo! It was a teensy bit aggravated, but just barely tight, not really hurting. Hit up LCSP with DQ for one last visit before the MOUNTAINS but it was brutally hot for this wimp, and I cut it way short.

Fun & Play: No TS! Knocked out dad's quarterly bookwork & chatted. Visited DBB peeps. Happy fun session. Packing for TAHOE. Time to read. Trails with DQ, even if it was brutal. More time to read. Hubs time.

Monday, July 13

~~Larabars: 2
~~stupendous smoked almonds
~~bag olive oil chips

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 10p-530a, 82% quality. Solid, but would have loved to sleep in later. Got up feeling tired.

Healthy Movement: About the same as yesterday: tight left Achilles & hamstring. Stood all day at NSS, in Xero shoes, no mat, and it did bother the lower legs a tiny bit. Also bothered the lower back, must not have been moving around enough. Session went well, but upper body was quickly fatigued; figured legs would be, too, so no eve trails. 

Fun & Play: NSS! No TS! Evening downtime, including hammock time & reading time. Hubs time, first time I've seen him since Thursday!

Sunday, July 12

Nutrition: Of all places to find it, Walmart had Arctic Zero! Probably shouldn't have had it, given the acne outbreak, but I couldn't resist, especially after the ice cream annoyance just the other day. 
~~25% Daiya pizza
~~pint Arctic Zero

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 945p-615a, 96% quality. I'm shocked that I slept that well after yesterday! Hank pranced me awake at 430a, but I yelled at him and rolled over. He then made it as long as he could, I suppose. Got up feeling a bit tired, but the overwhelming fatigue seems to be gone.

Healthy Movement: Not sure I should do anything. Left Achiles still tight. Left hammie has gone backward, tight again at both ends. Lifting tomorrow & Tuesday, and probably running both nights. Foam rolled everything. Did a few pulls/chins while hanging in basement waiting out the storm. 

Fun & Play: Silent house. BK coffee date to finalize all things Tahoe. Snuggly pets...but in the basement waiting out a scary storm. Made it fun with FB chitchat.

Saturday, July 11

Nutrition: I didn't eat enough at Relay. Consumed: Epic bar, cherries, pistachios, Larabar...that's only like 600 calories, for 26 miles. Dumb. Kept water intake up, though, not entirely idiotic.
  • Larabars: 1
  • 75% of a Daiya pizza
  • GF English muffin
Acne: Getting a forehead cyst today. Too many of the GF English muffins? I had 5 in 4 days. The 2 entire bags of potato chips in 2 days, somehow not okay?

Sleep: Obviously this was all screwy due to Relay. 6.5 hours in bed, 630a-1p, 66% quality; actually quite solid, but I think it's low due to low quantity. I ate, and still felt so incredibly sleepy that I went back to bed at only 230p & napped until freaking 6p; I had guessed it would only be about 1.5 hours, not 3.5! I figure the initial 6.5 was my proper overnight sleep, and the 3.5 was half to catch up my overnight, and half to recover form the 26 miles. And yet, I was still completely drained for the night.

Healthy Movement: I dunno, is 9 hours of walking "healthy"? Probably not. After all the sleeping, I was still useless. Vegged on the couch watching an old Wonder Woman episode: oh, the glorious fashion of 1978! I don't think I've watched TV in like 4 months? Hank & Clyde were snuggled up close, and sure seemed to love my laziness. Aftermath: all of the acute aches subsided other than a tight left Achilles. Probably be perfectly normal in another day or two.

Fun & Play: Relay for Life. Spent many hours with some of my favorite people.I feel a little guilty not hanging with the TS peeps, since I was technically still the team captain, but I wasn't going to sit at anyone's site, honestly - I was just there to walk. I skipped all of the "fun" and activity things, in favor of relentless movement. Wanted to beat myself down a bit for the training benefit, but mostly I don't need the extras. I'm there to walk, let the entertainment be for the people who need it. Still, had lots of tiny mental battles to just keep going, to think of what it's like to be facing a terminal illness, and how much such a patient would give to only have sore feet being their main physical ailment. Didn't have to spend a lot of time by myself, except for the last couple hours or so. Kept DQ company when he began to fall apart and was ready to just walk it out, tried to give him the mental boost to get back into running and hit his ambitious goal. He did it! I stayed for clean-up even though I was absolutely beyond depletion. I felt like a zombie in the apocalypse. All I wanted was sleep. Happy the house was empty of the hubs so I could continue to be a zombie. Wish I'd had some kind of energy for something, anything, because it leaves a lot to accomplish on Sunday.

Friday, July 10

  • Traveler's breakfast
  • pepper & sea salt potato chips (yes, an entire bag again, though I shared with BB)
  • bestest smoked almonds
  • I think 0 Larabars...could that be?
  • GF English muffin

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 845p-5a, 87% quality. Solid, but had to get up at 330a to let out barking dogs (gah), and Hanky began his prancing at 5a. Double GAH!

Healthy Movement: Body feels quite good. James visit; said I should be good to go as long as I keep up the stretches, and if he doesn't hear from me within 4-5 weeks he'll call me all closed up.

Fun & Play: Farewell breakfast. Much chitchat. Lunch with my BB. Much more chitchat. Only felt teary a couple of times as I said all of my goodbyes. Relay for Life.

Thursday, July 9

Nutrition: I totally ate these potato chips as my lunch. #healthnut! Man, I haven't had chips in like 4 years, so these were MF-ing delicious. What's that? 700 calories of chips is not a healthy lunch? 'Sokay, I can get away with it once in a while - I mean, every 4 years shouldn't harm me much. Although, now that I've discovered them, I highly doubt I'll make it another 4 years. Especially since I also bought another bag to try.
  • Larabars: 2
  • Olive oil potato chips 

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 65% quality. Better than that, but had to get up at 330a for bathroom & water (not h/s/g, just awake) - and the damned pooches woke me. Jerks.

Healthy Movement: Lower legs & feet are still surprisingly achey. Session revealed super tender muscles on the foam roller, but movement was fine. Did some deadlifting, woo hoo! Light + very "butt back" positioning kept it painless. Shoulder was great, though I could feel it later in the evening.

Fun & Play: Slow morning. Birthday coffee for Timmy. Figured out what to do with my $100 gift card from TS for killing myself this past winter: Relay donation. Many very nice messages of farewell. Fetch. Hubs time.

Temperance: Being extra gentle with myself. This is going to be a hard final two days. So many goodbyes. Appreciated that Dustin "got" that tomorrow would be hard, he wished me luck. Sweet card & gift from my Timmy. Farewell breakfast plans for tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 8

  • Larabars: 2
  • carrot cake super cookies
  • GF English muffin (Mehl's - REALLY GOOD)

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 84% quality. In late due to mental thrashing about Mary. Woke at 430a to dogs & cats being jerks. Man, and we had SUCH a good streak going with making it to 5am or later.

Healthy Movement: Aching lower legs straight out of bed, good with movement. Trails started out feeling rough, but turned to awesome by the end. Lower legs, feet especially, were really aching last night. So, no Thursday miles, gotta be ready for all those Relay miles.

Fun & Play: Class. Talking with coworkers about a year ago, the loss of the 66; not happy talk, but nice to have people feeling the same way I do. Break time & lunch time with BK (for the final time). A goodbye to one of my peeps, who's out the rest of the week. Trails with beloveds.

Temperance: Um, I'm kind of sad that no one has offered, asked, even MENTIONED having any kind of going-away party for me. Nothing? Really? NOTHING. Even after giving the most generous three-month notice that I possibly could, being as gracious as I could imagine in training my tasks when I didn't agree with the decisions made, and being helpful & easing the transition as much as anyone possibly could? Well, gee, that makes me feel awesome. But I'll just pimp Relay as a farewell party that my peeps can come to. Not that it'll work, so few come to that event, but I'll feel better. Maybe.

Tuesday, July 7

  • Larabars: 2
  • Fake cheeze
  • HFCS-free ketchup

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 930p-445a, 53% quality. In late due to hubs, but slept soundly. I suppose it's 53% because my stupid pets started waking me at stupid 4a like a bunch of jerks. Cats AND dogs being stupid loud PITAS!

Healthy Movement: Body feels pretty darn good, actually. Session told me the hamstring is still "there" but I was able to do shallow back squats without pain, just some tightness. Pulls improved a little bit again, bench just sorta maintained. Ran downhills for a serious last-ditch effort at Tahoe confidence. Then walked with Holea & The Mitz.

Fun & Play: I made some worthy donations this morning, to very different causes: help a friend of a friend rebuild her rescue-kitten-enclosure, and help a hilarious comedian film her show. This randomness is how I roll, peeps. Caribou delivery from my Timmy! Session. NSS job talk, which I so much prefer over TS job talk. Generous Relay donations from wonderfully amazing peeps. Holea & Mizti time. Hubs time. Silly pets.

Temperance: Feeling major fears about the upcoming change. Re-reading my own post to drown the voice of fear. It's still hard, because on top of the fears are all the goodbyes. But...

Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you.
-Bethany Hamilton 

Stress Management: Mary. Our stubborn, bull-headed, most contrary friend, missed more than I would have imagined, is on a respirator, with kidney failure, in the ICU, at the Mayo.

Fuck you, cancer.

Fuck every goddamn motherfucking thing about you.

Monday, July 6

  • Larabars: 2
  • leftover pizza

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 815p-430a, 62% quality. Was tired and went in early, but took a long time to fall asleep (dogs, cats, hubs, etc). Woke around 4a and felt like I could get up, but dozed as long as I could.

Healthy Movement: Lower body aching as expected, nothing unusual; actually felt like I could run. Were it not taper time, I would've. Did some rows in class. Considered swings to work the glutes nicely, but realized I should be recovering, not cramming in random things just because I'm panicking.

Fun & Play: Class. BK break time with All The Tahoe Talk. Long lunch w/ my BB. Productive afternoon. Paint the Town Purple for Relay. Hubs time.

Sunday, July 5

  • chews during run
  • some cran-blueberry crunch during run
  • post-run pizza

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 830p-5a, 79% quality. Woke due to dogs and also h/s/g at 215a, but didn't fully wake up more than yelling at the dogs a couple times (Hank keeps licking Lexi's hot spot, OMG WHY, and how is it SO LOUD?). Fell back soundly, but alarm woke me. Ugh. Napped post-run, about 1-245p.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling dehydrated and even had a bit of a headache. All that sun & heat yesterday, not enough water. I had tried to get caught up on the drive home, but not quite. So this morning I limited myself on coffee and drank water all the way out to LCSP. I took at least a sip on every single uphill to start, and I soon felt normal. Bit of a mental battle for the first 5 miles where I simply couldn't fathom doing 20, but I just kept shutting down the fears and relied on my plan and my peeps. And it worked! Glutes were the main fatigue presenters out there again. The trouble with that is trudging up hills turns REALLY difficult and no longer offers the recovery relief on the heart & lungs. That's a bit panicky for Tahoe's climbs, but there's really nothing to be done for it now, other than hope for the best. Did an ice-ish bath in LCSP, knees down, but I really wanted to sit my entire ass down in there, yet I didn't want to have to change for the drive home. At home, post-run shower (owee, chafing!), post-shower pizza, post-pizza run write-up, post-everything NAP. Glorious. Outside of calves/shins hurt to touch, like back when I had stress reactions, but now it's taper time, so I'm going to be fine. Sore glutes (hurt to balance on one foot, hurt like a bitch on one foot and with a slight hip hinge) and sore feet to finish out the day. Luckily, no-to-slow movement was on the plan.

Fun & Play: Quiet trails, followed by trails with friends. Twelve deer! Quiet house. Nap time with kittehs. Pure laziness, like accomplishing next to nothing the rest of the day. Oh well!

I came to a level of comfort on Tahoe, which is that if BK drops me, it means he's doing amazing; if he doesn't, it means I'm doing amazing. So either way: hooray!

Saturday, July 4

Nutrition: Getting acne.
  • 2 larabars
  • Cran-blueberry crunch
  • 1.5 bags pork jerky (sweetened)
  • Bootch (oof, more sugar, ummm)

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 945p-545a, maybe 70% quality. No app. No ear plugs and a bad pillow. Shoulder a little crunched.

Healthy Movement: Stood all day at Afton, 8am to 3pm or so. Sat to eat at that point and didn't want to stand at all anymore! Until it was time to fold back into the car and drive home: UGH. Again, towel down thoracic spine made a world of difference.

Fun & Play: Afton! I was on timing and learned a little about their triple-check system, but they had a lot of peeps so I was put in charge of something completely stress-less, which was the "Results" kiosk, two laptops showing up-to-date results, with the ability to search runners or look at the overall times or anything, really. So, I basically helped runners & spectators use them to look up results, then most of the time, I'd peek at it over their shoulder, exclaim how awesome that was, and ask how the race went. I got to boost people up ("Really? That's a good time here?"), hear some fun race reports, and congratulate some serious badasses. I even borrowed some tubs to elevate the laptops so no one had to bend over to table height. I expect to see that genius enhancement at future races! It was almost better than aid stations, because I got to see every racer, watch the finishes, and I got to see almost every volunteer at some point. Super dee duper fun catching up with the ultra trail nerds! I sort of fell apart at the end, chitchatting with BK and feeling overheated and done and dreading the drive home. Luckily there seemed to be tons of hands helping get shit cranked out. But still, I feel bad for not pitching in all the way through. Looking forward to helping at even more of these. Storkamp's setup is pretty amazing, very impressed by the logistics.

Friday, July 3

  • second breakfast at Traveler's
  • GF English muffin

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 84% quality. Solid, woke once but right back, woke naturally.

Healthy Movement: Stood all morning at NSS with my new standing desk! Crammed in some ring pulls & chins when I got home (10 sets of 4, in 10 minutes), but no time/energy for anything else. Used the NSS Tip of the Week to put a rolled-up towel down my spine while driving, and it was amazing. Usually I get pretty crank upper back & shoulders while driving, feeling crunched forward, and this completely changed it. LOVE.

Fun & Play: NSS. Lunch with Holea. Small dose of Hubs & pet time before he headed to races and I headed to the Cities. A truly lovely evening spent with Diane & family. 

Thursday, July 2

  • Larabars: 3 (one of them was at like 3a, so I justified it)

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 67% quality. Dogs noisy & active at 245a, and I was feeling a bit h/s/g (not quite enough to eat yesterday, I think) so I got up for bathroom, water, half a Larabar, and THEN the dogs decided they wanted out. Lexi was back quickly, but I was back in bed for 10 minutes before I heard Hank scratching, so back up again. Jerks! Fell back quite soundly, and might have made it even longer but dogs were up again. SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS.

Healthy Movement: Glutes are still feeling fatigued. (What the hell?) Lower legs feel much better, just a bit stiff first off out of bed. Shoulder actually feels awesome, and stayed awesome throughout the session. Hammie prevented deadlifting, gah; it feels a lot better, but the formerly-hurty spot screamed of tightness so we went back to easy box squats. Pull-ups, still without straining, went skyrocketing upward - yeah bitchez! Saw James afterward, who has me coming back one more time at the end of next week, essentially just to make sure it's still good. Shoulder was a little bit crank on the drive home, but that was it. Now I just gotta remember my stretches like a smart person.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Slacking off at work, just waiting to be asked questions. Couple silly emails with Mike/Dustin. Session. Checking out my stand-up desk and also having Dustin ask for a link to my preferred keyboard/mouse solution (less than three weeks, eee!). Calendar clean-up, a little bittersweet. A nice farewell from the CFO, who's out next week.

Stress Management: I worked past 6 tonight, because I was helping out someone who is taking a month-end task from me, and he's out next week, so today was our only chance for him to do the work. I managed to stay upbeat about it, because I wasn't missing any plans, and he is a lovely soul & I sure don't want to strand him in a month, but dang, I'm beyond DONE with month-end being such an overwhelming demand. Happily, this is the last time. NOT going to miss it!

Temperance: This morning, I saw this picture of a truly awesome badass beast of a woman:

And my first thought was, "Hm, you know, I don't really look much different than that." I've got a little belly fluff that she doesn't (the soft-sided cooler in which I hide my six-pack, yo), but the rest? I could grease up & tan up & pose up, and look about the same.

Wait, did I seriously just think that I look as strong as Jen Sinkler? (For the record, she's much stronger, but 'scool; my running eats up my squat & deadlift weight, but my running beloveds are worth that trade-off.)

I say, hot damn, that's a good mindset.

Wednesday, July 1

  • Larabars: 2

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 930p-5a, 89% quality. Solid as my traps, yo. I don't think I stirred enough to truly wake at ANY point. Glorious.

Healthy Movement: Lower legs a bit stiff but better with the different running shoes. Slight bit of stiffness in upper back, but less than expected with the pull-up & bench quantity yesterday. Pecs super tender to the touch, though. Joined DQ & HH at LCSP feeling like it would be delightful, but it was extremely hard thanks to glutes & hams that were feeling as fatigued as though I've run 10-milers daily for a week (WTF?), so I shut down early. Better to rest and recover from whatever this is, and get my long run in on Sunday. Sure, I COULD have done the whole lap, but it would have sucked, and left me depleted, and I MUST be back up to par by Sunday, so this wasn't worth the risk. That sounds logical & even-brained, but my CIS is screaming at me for being a total wimp, like she always does. Fuck her.

Fun & Play: Class. BK break time. Tahoe spreadsheets. BB lunch time, aw. Not stressing my sanity away on day one of close, even leaving early! LCSP with a couple beloveds. Fun with Bitmoji. Fetch. Homemade doggy treats from HH to my pups, who lurved them! A silent house.

Tuesday, June 30

  • Larabars: 2
  • Renola

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 79% quality. I'd have called it better; woke a few times but always back easily. Was dozing the last 20 minutes or so, and might have slept longer but for pets.

Healthy Movement: Shins, ankles, and feet are extremely achey in the morning, and mild all day.  Shoulder feels a lot better. Ham is improving again, but still there. Dustin made me do lightweight box squats only, which was the perfect height to avoid pain, and I GUESS that was smart, but ARGH I don't wanna be in pain at all! Attempted my bodyweight bench today, and couldn't have gotten closer to it, righttherebutnotquite. Logged a big chunk of pulls after work, to hit 5000 for the year. I was so close that I couldn't not do it! It was easier than expected, and more pulls in one day than I've ever done. BKSP-ing started out easy, got hard, and BK seemed a bit down, but we talked Tahoe in the parking lot for a long while to finish on a high note. Wore big fat luggy winter shoes, to see if that helped the sore feet/ankles, and they probably need to be my Tahoe shoes anyway. The actual running in them felt same as always.

Fun & Play: Silly coworkers. Break time with BK. Session. Wrapping up many assorted things at work. 5000 pulls. No jury duty tomorrow! BKSP (6 deer!) & Tahoe talk. Hubs time.

Goodbyes: Today I canceled my remaining afternoon classes. Attendance has been zero or one person since summer began, and I want to get to LCSP earlier, not waste my time waiting to see if anyone will show up. So I also had to compose a bit of a goodbye email. Sad times. I am feeling so many emotions week is going to be impossible.