Saturday, June 13

Nutrition: I tried to make DIY Larabars yet again and I came to the same conclusion I always do: not worth it. I need a massive food processor upgrade, and even then it's really not much cheaper, and it's certainly not any easier, and I eat the equivalent of two bars any time I make them, so screw it. I'll keep my Amazon Subscribe & Save chock-full of LBs.
  • Larabars: 3
  • Fake cheeze
  • Too many sugary crunch bites

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 90% quality. It was pretty solid, but the graph shows me waking a lot. I got up feeling decent, but my energy completely tanked mid-morning, and I napped 11a-1230p, solidly. Better after that, but not much.

Healthy Movement: Got up with body feeling decent. Walk to run was easy peasy. Stood around at NSS for two hours, for the Relay fundraiser. From there, I changed, and started to head to GLSP. Before I made it out of Alex, I realized I needed salt tabs, and I knew I NEEDED them after my experience last weekend. And with my need to return home, I took the time to analyze whether a long run was even a good idea: no. I wasn't looking forward to it, I wasn't feeling rested, I was fearing it would to terribly. So, no run. Instead I did some grocery shopping, then headed home to eat a little something & then nap, because out of nowhere I was exhausted. Pretty much sat most of the day. Even a short run didn't sound appealing. Lifting didn't sound appealing. Tire-flipping didn't sound appealing. With my brain so shitty, a rest day sounded smartest.

Fun & Play: Walk to run. NSS fundraiser. Freedom to completely scrap my plans and nap instead. Lots of fetch. Wandering, investigating, happy-in-the-outdoors kittehs. Dad's monthly bookwork knocked out.

Socialization: I miss my people. Deeply. Fiercely. I miss Heidi & I know she misses me more because she isn't running at ALL. I miss BK and all our trail laps, and I'm a complete asshole for resenting Kate, who gets absolutely all of his spare time now. I really thought Brett & I would get some time to play in the woods but he's been injured. I miss the long runs of last fall, where I could count on Monica & Jodi needing similar miles at a similar pace. I miss lunch runs with Lisa, desperately so, and I know she misses the freedoms she had before Mac came along, but I know Mac is worth it. I miss Shawn, who is too busy racing grandiose races to slow down for the likes of me. I miss lifting dates with my BB, still my favorite times with her. I miss my everything with Amy. I miss watching Jimmy Fallon with the hubs. I have gotten Holea time, but she's about it. I am falling apart without my beloveds to hold me together.

My brain is in a terribly dark place today.

Stress Management: See ^Socialization.^

Also I am letting this shoulder/trap thing burn me up. It just feels like such a solid punch in the throat with all the effort I make to do All the Healthy Things. Today, avoiding everything that potentially hurts it meant only squats & rows, and that was so sad that I opted to do none of it. And I worried myself into a spiral of fears and sadness over what it could be and what setbacks I'll have and how weak I'll get and why have I let this drag out for so long to where it hurts to put a fucking shirt on UGH I'm so dumb and I should at least do the squats and rows but I'm so exhausted UGH I suck and blah blah blah.

My brain is in a terribly dark place today.

Eating Paleo is again feeling like a crushing weight. It's exhausting. Today's breakdown was prompted by the Grain Bin no longer carrying my fake ice cream, which I'd decided to buy for the first time in many months. Oh well, I'll just go to Pete's and get it there. Except Pete's was purchased by Cub, and their entire healthy/organic/whatever section evaporated. Some things exist; I found the GF section, but none of it is the brand I can have. And I'll never be shopping there again, why would I bother? While in Sauk, I browsed Coborn's, and their ice cream is all loaded with sugar. FINE THEN. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

That started me off on the downward spiral, so tired of this 5-times-a-day battle, and then when I couldn't stop snacking on my homemade-Larabars-in-progress, despite knowing it was way too much sugar, even though it's only MOTHERFUCKING DRIED FRUIT, I was done for.

I can't find the tolerable level of sugar intake to avoid acne, or rather it seems to be insanely low, like 3 LBs per day max, but that is about 300 calories of MOTHERFUCKING DRIED FRUIT, are you goddamn kidding me?

Why the shit can other people thrive on muffins & coffee-flavored milkshakes & cookies & donuts & candy bars & pop & beer & wine all weekend every weekend, and not suffer anything but perhaps weight gain?

I can't even order a salad in a restaurant without having to specify no cheese, no croutons, oil & vinegar (but I'll just use the vinegar because who knows what kind of oil is really in there), and don't bring me any bread, and just water, thanks - and half the time I am still hungry because there's no GD protein on that salad. There are so many restaurants I won't go to because I know I'll react with two weeks of cysts. (Most of them.) Makes going out to eat totally suck, honestly.

And I am completely sick & tired of hearing people mock the gluten-free life as if it's a pointless hipster bullshit trend. Maybe it is for a lot of people, but it's not a "trend" for all of us. (I can't even eat most of the GF shit, yo!) Even Dustin often implies that maybe my acne isn't related to what I eat, like just this week, me complaining my face is freaking out despite not eating pizza, and him responding that maybe I should just eat pizza then. Maybe you should fuck off then! And my own husband regularly says the same kind of shit. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

It's truly not fun to be eating unique and being a burden on everyone, trust me. I hate it. I hate it far more than you hate hearing about it.

More examples? I had to listen to Jill laugh about my cute little healthy plate of fruit & vegetables - as if I didn't WANT to add dip and 5 spears of chicken and a cupcake and drink the free beer. Last week I went to a cancer benefit where I couldn't eat even a single thing they served - besides water. When I go to parties there often isn't a single fucking thing I can eat; even at the NSS Xmas party, that I was so incredibly thrilled to be invited to, I could only eat what I'd brought. Or seriously debating whether I want to join the Train & Stay because I have to supply all of my own food even though Mike would have ample time to tweak the menu or could at least ASK ME for input. And all of that's par, for everyone besides my mom & my BB. 

When it's a tiny group, it would be nice for people to put 45 seconds worth of effort into thinking up a menu that includes SOMETHING I can eat, rather than acting like I'm a problem who should take care of herself because it's "just so hard" to accommodate me. WELCOME TO MY DAILY LIFE. Every time time I eat, I fight the same battle. This would be easier if our food system wasn't horseshit and more people ate this way and it wasn't so "weird." Instead, all of this shit happens all of the motherfucking time, and I hate it. People think it's my choice to eat this way, like I'm temporarily on a diet, and it's a party, just this once why can't I just eat the damn breaded chicken wings like everyone else, but they don't seem to comprehend (or worse: care) that

I.

Fucking.

Can't. 
 
My brain is in a terribly dark place today.

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