Monday, June 29

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, no quality since I forgot to set my alarm. Woke at 1230a with severe gut cramps, and couldn't tell if it was my stomach, uterus, or intestines, but man, it HURT. Got up for bathroom & water, went back to bed. Was better if I lay on my right side. Tossed & turned until 130a, got up & took ibuprofen. Woke at 330a, checked the time, realized I had no alarm set! With allathat, quality was probably like 60%. UGH.

Healthy Movement: Body a bit achey, feet & lower legs. Left ham was tight all through class. Shoulder still crankier than I'd like. Downhills for my lunch run, and felt NOTHING in the left ham, whew! PT with James, found some new stretches to open up the shoulder/rib area. Wish I could bring the hubs along to learn how to pretzel me around & get those stretches.

Fun & Play: Class. Coworkers. Break time with BK. Successful lunch run. More BK/running plans. James (man, I like hearing that my muscles are too big!). NSS Team Training. Fetch. Hubs time.

Stress Management: Talked to BK during break about Tahoe pacing. Um, this is going to be a huge challenge. 

Miles 68.5-85 are going to be me.

GULP.

Sunday, June 28

Nutrition:
  • GF English muffin
  • Daiya cream cheese

Sleep: 6.75 hours in bed, 1015p-5a, 65% quality. In late due to wedding outing. Up early due to trails with beloveds. Napped about 1030a-1p, which restored normalcy.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling a bit creaky, but the trails were BEYOND lovely, because of both summer morning lushness (so fucking verdant!) and the perfect company. All my trail besties, all at once. I am so thrilled that my weeknights will be mine again (starting Tuesday) and this can become a regular thing again! Did a few sets of pulls throughout the afternoon, but didn't have the energy to lift. Shoulder seemed to be going a bit backward in crankiness, given two days of nothing.

Fun & Play: Trails with 4 of my beloveds. Breakfast with 2 of them. Nap time with kittehs. Afternoon of chore productivity, including making some bacon jam for 2 of my beloveds, both with birthdays last week. I then demanded burgers from the hubs, and he complied, and our bacon jam sampling proved it was a pretty damned fantastic gift!

Saturday, June 27

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • mom's smoked almonds (may have had vegetable oil)

Sleep: 6 hours in bed, 10p-4a, 77% quality. In late due to races. Took a while to fall asleep due to monkey mind. Woke once, fell back. Woke at 3a, did NOT fall back. Got up feeling incredibly tired. Napped 11-130a, restored some normalcy.

Healthy Movement: As hoped, the hamstring is much improved already. Some weird tightness down at the bottom now, but I assume that's just how the repairing should feel. The sharpness coming out of a squat is dull today. WHEW! Shoulder is fairly happy, at the point that it only hurts when crunched in. Feet aching a little from yesterday's many sprints in Xero shoes. I think I ran about 20 yards today, just completely spent on energy. Didn't even want to think about how hard lifting would feel with such rotten energy levels. Since I'm running with my trail besties in the morning, I decided another complete rest day was smartest. Maybe I'll have some strength for pulls tomorrow afternoon at least.

Fun & Play: Race day again. Somehow this one is more relaxed than Friday's, maybe because of the extended downtime during the race, and the setup leftover from yesterday. Hubs was a huge huge help, turned into a replacement for the THREE missing volunteers who were supposed to be bikers. (Jerkfaces.) Thankful for the many helpful volunteers who DID come help make this a big fat success! Had super fun times cheering for runners & celebrating them all with so many of my beloveds, but OMG, I was as tired as an exhausted toddler by 10am. Crashed at home and resumed feeling personable after my nap. Knocked out the bills and had some snuggly kitteh time. FB fun. Wedding visit, got to chat with hubs' bosses who I like very much.

Friday, June 26

Nutrition: Got hangry at supper time at the race, when all I had brought was jerky to nosh on. Why so dumb? Interestingly, the pizza didn't even appeal.
  • Larabars: 1

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 930p-515a, 85% quality. Mostly sound, just not quite enough.

Healthy Movement: Hammie is CRANK. Only stretching doesn't hurt, but using it does, and using it in the fully-stretched position (squat, etc) makes me fucking flinch. Stood all morning at NSS since sitting was painful. Shoulder was rather crank, but a visit to James made things a whole lot better. At the LAE races I did a lot of running back and forth between the line and the lobby, and the hamstring pain was okay with that, actually seemed to help it improve throughout the night. Whew!

Fun & Play: NSS all morning. LAE logistics with my besties, followed by race night (and only one massive crisis to solve, solved). Watching my newbies finish made my heart grow three sizes. Hubs time, as he helped us out.

Thursday, June 25

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 3

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 945p-515a, 77% quality. In late due to LAE prep, woke often, but got up feeling good. Glad I had a rest day yesterday.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder had given me NOTHING by session time. Did sumo deadlifts, which were stupidly easy-peasy. Dustin let me be downright foolish with everything (6 sets of pulls!), but something tweaked up in my left hammie insertion area on the 205 attempt, DAMN IT. It was terrifying for a second there, because a torn hammie would affect lifting and running and daily life and FUCK ALLATHAT - but it turned mild right quick, so I've tamped down the panic. I still walked out on top of the world because of all the pulls and the easy deadlifts, just feeling like Hot Shit, yo. In the afternoon I popped downstairs to log enough pulls to hit 101 for the day. Shoulder got a bit crank on the third set of deadlifts, and was a little worse yet by the time I did the bonus pulls in the afternoon. Delightful walk to run outing with Hannah told me the hamstring would tolerate running, but not for long distance. So, no running til Sunday. LAE work stuffing bags, up & down off the floor, told me that stretching that area hurts; sadly that means squatting, hingeing, sitting = all hurts! I did 4 bonus pulls to hit 105, for no real reason other than I've never done that many in a day, so why not?

Fun & Play: Team fun. Break time with BK on his birthday, plus some chitchat. I miss our running dates and I hope they can resume when my life settles down NEXT WEEK! Session. Final night of walk to run. LAE race prep with some of my favorites.

Wednesday, June 24

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 0!
  • rice crackers
  • salad out (Broadway Ballroom)

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 88% quality. Pretty sound, though woke briefly when hubs came to bed, and woke naturally about 415a or so.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder seems better. Rest is all good. No one came to class so I did some rows & stretches. Shoulder felt significantly better today. 

Fun & Play: Cleaned up my CDs from the Well. A sign of the giant change to come! Relay fundraiser helper. LAPW lunch meeting for the first time in forever...and probably the last time until I'm back in Alex on Wednesdays. LAE logistics, volunteers coming together, woo hoo! Slacker workday. Team Training. Aid station prep!

Tuesday, June 23

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 3
  • smoked almonds

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 90% quality. Took a while to fall asleep. Woke at 1245a to a barking Lexi, felt overheated, had to get up for water, bathroom, snack, and that helped me fall back. Woke often 4a onward.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder is oddly crank yet, more of a steady ache than a sharp pain, though. Session was a good showing, but for some reason I felt disappointed. Probably because pull-ups/shoulder sadness. Walk to run was hot, & slow because of that & my speedster's early-morning workout, so most of my thoughts in the final mile were about getting back to LCSP laps on weeknights, at my own pace, just one week away. MORE GREEN, PLEASE!

Fun & Play: Caribou delivery to my Timmy. Session. Blood donation, smoothest it has EVER been - the finger prick for the test was worse than the actual needle for the blood draw. AWESOME. Walk to run. More LAE planning. Hubs time.

Monday, June 22

Nutrition:
  • Larabars:2
  • smoked almonds

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 86% quality. Felt like I woke often after about 3a or so. Once again, the morning rain meant Hank slept in, woo hoo!

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent; tight left heel cord, left shoulder a bit crank, but fair. Even managed a few banded SA chins during class. Hit hills at lunch, and they didn't go as well as hoped: fewer repeats than I wanted, but speed was nice. Visited James again (next up is Friday), and he gave me an amazing compliment, which was that part of my problem is my muscles are too big, causing everything to get compressed up in dere. YES! GODDAMN, I say! But also: shit, that sucks. He says the solution is stretching, but it's a tough spot to target well. And I immediately wanted to know why this doesn't happen to everyone, because I'm not THAT huge, and the answer is, as always: I'm a delicate fucking flower. Muthafuck.

Fun & Play: Class. Left a gift for my BB and tracked down MB while I was up there, and then my BB arrived as well! Such happy little chitchat. BK break time, including Aaron (so: silliness). LAE logistics, finally getting my last-minute volunteers rolling in. (UGH, damn procrastinators!) T&S talk with Mike, and working on Monica. Team Training, which included a visit from Charlie Bou, cutest damn puppy EVAH (with apologies to The Mitz). Fetch. Hubs time.

Sunday, June 21

Nutrition:
  • Smoked almonds
  • Larabars: 2
  • Beef jerky
  • Chef salad (at Jimmy's Pour House)

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 67% quality. In/out from 230a onward, and I just plain couldn't sleep in. Got up feeling fairly rested. 

Healthy Movement: Feel better than expected! Only real lower body problem is tight Achilles, and somewhat sore feet; but yesterday's deep-glute ache is gone! Mid-back is extremely tight; not sure why. Lifting was okay; shoulder was more sore than I'd have expected given only running yesterday. It seemed a touch bothered by OHP & pulls. Squats initially felt awful, but better as I went; did sumo deadlifts just for something different, and those felt downright fantabulous. The long drive to Sauk Rapids was uncomfortable on the shoulder, but it was good later on the drive to Camp Ripley then home. It never got into the seize-up pain that it was doing before James.

Fun & Play: Spent an hour outside, 6-7a, enjoying the birds (& cows & rooster & horses & pheasants), the glowy sunrise, my exploring kitties, the deer, a detective-ing Hanky, and a delicious pot of coffee. Family time. Hubs time. Fetch.

Saturday, June 20

Nutrition: Acne is acting up. Probably the GF English muffins. 
  • Larabars: 2
  • chews during run
  • smoked almonds

Sleep: 9.25 (!) hours in bed, 815p-530a, 95% quality. Woke 3-330a again, but not enough to get up. And thanks to the rain outside, Hanky didn't want out at 430a! NICE. Napped about 215-345p, not too solid, but good enough.

Healthy Movement: Body was feeling good when I got up. Logged a nice pace on the walk to run outing on the actual course. Then learned DQ was willing to hit the trails with me: YES! We did a big lap at LCSP, as I needed to land back at the car to get my precious smoked almonds delivery. During the lengthy almost-30-minute wait, I tried to convince myself it would be okay to stop there, and also tried to pump myself up to go back out. I ended up going back out, buoyed by DQ being willing to log more miles with me. YES! Without him, I might not have gone back out, or have settled for walking only, or just gave up at some point out there. I slowed down, and got sore & tired, but I did it! 2 chews every 30 minutes worked well, but I spaced on salt tabs, only taking one at the car. Should probably be every hour, not every 1.5 hours. Impressed myself with the ability to get so many miles in without completely trashing myself: 18.16 miles in 3 hours (4 hours elapsed time) is a crapton for this girl at this point in time. Feeling better about Tahoe pacing duties!

Post-run I felt pretty decent and considered not napping; took a shower & ate a pizza & got in my write-up, and then the nap began sounding appealing. Afterward, things hurt about as expected: hips/deep glutes were the worst of it, everything else just mildly aching.

Fun & Play: W2R. Trails. With DQ. Almonds! Nap. Ran into my BB in the grocery store, post-run. So happy to see her and welcome her back home, even if only for a 2-minute convo (during which I wondered how awful I smelled and should I back away a little). Hubs time. Fetch. 

Friday, June 19

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 1
  • GF English muffin

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 845p-430a, 85% quality. Awake 3-330a or so, thus extra brutal when Hanky's prancing began at 430a as usual.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder feels significantly better than last Friday, although still there. Sat all morning at NSS. Great progress at my appointment with James; the doorway stretch that made me instantly flinch on Monday's visit felt phenom today. Nice! He's zeroing in more on my first rib mobilization, which just seems weird, but whatevs, it's helping. Said to keep doing exactly what he has me doing; go back twice next week, see how it goes. Rest of the body felt so good that I debated running, maybe changing to three straight days this weekend, but I know I need the at-once big miles, so I stuck to my plan.

Fun & Play: Spent the morning at NSS with some of my fave peeps! Got done earlier than I expected, thus time to knock out my weekly bills. Good appointment with James. Fetch & hammock time. Going to bed early.

Thursday, June 18

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 3, I think (2 were homemade...now that's all gone)
  • pork jerky
  • rice crackers
  • GF English muffin

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 79% quality. Solid; woke when hubs got home & crawled in (1230a), but fell back easily. Hankypank began his prancing at 430a, ugh. Need to install a snooze button on his bratty little head.

Healthy Movement: Body is decent. Shoulder improved. Lower legs are a bit tight and feet are a bit achey, which is surprising as I've been stretching calves/Achilles more than usual, and didn't run yesterday. Whatevs. Session was kept the same to see if James' stretches reduce pain from the last couple weeks, or to produce the same ol' pain for tomorrow's appointment with him. Deadlifts bothered the shoulder (pec, more so?) but Dustin didn't see anything odd in my form. Pulls didn't seem to make it worse, though I cut them off as soon as they got tough. Forgot my neck stretch until mid-set, but still did it. Did some rows during my class. It was MUCH better the rest of the day compared to last week. Minor & short freak-out in car on drive home, but not until I was nearly home - all a significant improvement. W2R was delightfully easy, although only a tiny crowd of 4.

Fun & Play: Writing my card for Mary, plus a funny "Fuck cancer" note, just to cause some laughs as well. Seeing a $100 bill in the box for her. Session, where I got more messages for Mary to stuff into the box. Yay! Lovely meeting with one of my lovely peeps. More LAE logistics. W2R in abundant sunshine. Fetch. Hubs time.

Wednesday, June 17

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 3+ (rather lotta of the homemade one)
  • Subway salad, again with guac, and also bacon!

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 71% quality. Pretty solid, but got in late because I was dawdling and doing my PT stretches. Up 30 minutes early because stupid DOG. Got up feeling fairly good, though this is going to hit me by the weekend if it doesn't stop. Yawned an awful lot today.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good although shoulder is crap again. Almost feels like it's spasming when it freaks out, which happens while driving or sometimes at the computer. Did some rows during my class, and did my PT stretches. No run today; took my work team out to LCSP for a picnic & hike to see the bald eagles, and although we saw no eagles, it seems there are TWO BABIES! And it was a lovely day to walk & then sit & stare at the lake. And with a long run this weekend that I MUST do, I need to be sure I have energy for it.

Fun & Play: Moving slowly at breakfast. Class. Chitchatty coworkers. Team outing. LAE planning. Practically no work done today, whoa! Sweet card from my peeps. Team Training. Smartly saying "no" to a weekend obligation that would only add stress. Fetch. Silent house.

Tuesday, June 16

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • bit of sugary cran-blueberry crunch
  • Subway salad; s/b okay, but the guac...?
  • fake strawberry cream cheese on GF English muffin

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 51% quality. Yeah, Sir Hank began his "lemme OUT" prance at midnight. MIDNIGHT. So I let both dogs out and hit the bathroom myself. When I opened the door to yell at the dogs to come back inside, Hank took the first step up the deck, then decided NOPE, he's gotta go make the lawn rounds. I said "fuck you, sleep in the garage then," and went back to bed. One hour later, he was outside barking (probably at coyotes), and so Lexi dashed to the door and barked, too. I slapped the hubs and told him that it was HIS turn. Solid again until the cats begin racing each other at 4am. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, YOU STUPID JERKS?

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling a LOT better than I have lately. Session went well for squats, & I did my perfect-form-only pulls like a good girl, but bench kinda fell apart on the last set. Oh well. Trying to keep my perspective on all of this: as long as I'm healthy and moving, isn't that enough? Do I have to be doing 25 ring pull-ups ASAP? What if it takes me another year, is that okay? Shoulder was a bit crank at random times throughout the day, worst is while driving it starts to zing, almost like it is spasming. Set a reminder to do my meathead-syndrome stretches.W2R outing was fast & delightful in the lovely rain.

Fun & Play: Jury duty chitchat. Jury duty CANCELED (after two hours)! Happy coworkers. Lunchtime shopping, a bunch of great cards purchased. Amazingly generous pile of gifts accumulating for Mary. Ordered an awesome gift for Dustin...but can't decide whether it should be a birthday or "anniversary" gift. (I think the latter, but do I really want to wait two more months?!) W2R. RIBS for supper with the hubs. Silly happy pooches getting rib bones & indoor fetch.

WHOA: 14 years ago, I married my first husband. That sounds something that someone ELSE would say, not me. Aren't I only 25? And "first husband" is a phrase for rich divorcees. Weirdness. But OH MAN, the life I might've had. By which I mean: how unhappy I might've been, and for how much longer. Things have worked out, and I couldn't be happier that I did the hard thing and left, and made myself the life I wanted.

Monday, June 15

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 4 (crap!)

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 830p-5a, 70% quality. Woke when the hubs came home at 230a (!) and dozed in/out for about an hour before falling back.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder has improved to where I can roll off it without flinching, when sleeping. But still there, most definitely; annoyed at random times like standing at my freaking desk. Body felt a little tired in the class warm-up, like no endurance in the legs. Was interested in a lunch run so I hit the disc golf course - and saw a gorgeous doe lounging in the tall grass: lovely!

Appointment with James, got in TODAY, holy crap! He said I've irritated the scalenes (overuse) and gave me stretches, did some traction, and the only changes I need to make are to stop the pull-ups as soon as I "turkey-neck" them, go with perfect form only. And come back a few more times and I'm probably good to go.

Fun & Play: NOT going in for jury duty. Fun coworkers. James, with a solution that didn't mean "stop pulling" THANK YOU SIR. Team Training. Fetch. Hubs finally home.

Sunday, June 14

Nutrition: Can you say "stress eating"? I think you probably can.
  • fake cheeze
  • Larabars: 2
  • Paleo On The Go pancakes

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 70% quality. It was more like 85% but I think I had moved the phone to where cat movements would disturb it. Attempted to nap at 11a, but a buzzing phone & barking dogs (even through ear plugs!) delayed falling asleep; legit napped 12-130p. Why am I so tired?!

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling better than yesterday, energy-wise. Shoulder slightly improved. Decided to do a 630a lifting session as a little preview of what I may have to do this week thanks to jury duty (but WHO KNOWS). I decided I'd squat & row, and find ONE other thing I could do. Tried a pull & a chin-up, both hurt the trap/shoulder; so I tried hanging abs: good to go. Short & simple - but it was something. I then tried to build on that with a long walk at LCSP, literally thinking maybe I could do 3 hours of walking as a replacement for the run, but it didn't go that well. Came home & napped. Really lazy the rest of the day, although I did randomly make two laps around the house doing a KB rack carry. A full hour in the hammock capped it all off.

Fun & Play: Workout with Hanky. Fetch with Lexi. Chores done. Some LAE-related tasks completed. No jury duty tomorrow. Hammock time.

Socialization: Other a couple on the trail that I (of course) told where to find the bald eagle nest, and the workers at Elden's, I had zero human interaction today. I thought the hubs was coming home today after the races in Wisconsin, but nope, he's still gone, now off to races in Iowa. I am positive he never shared that when he informed me he'd be gone to races all weekend (that was on MONDAY - last time I saw him). I feel like a roommate who doesn't need to be told anything. So, that's fun.

Stress Management: A little better than yesterday, not feeling so depleted. But now I've added the berating voice of "THAT is your big problem in life, a narrow food selection that begets acne if you fail? THAT is causing you to fall apart? There are people who will DIE if they eat the wrong food! There are people who buried their loved ones yesterday. People were randomly murdered yesterday, while you cried about your acne. Children were molested. YOUR FRIEND MARY HAS GODDAMN FUCKING CANCER. FUCK YOU, SABRINA."

So, that's fun.

And, I'm sorry, what? 30 people (as of 5pm) read yesterday's post. Who the fuck is even looking at this blog?? I should make it private, other than the W30 links. I guess I don't want people reading my pity parties & judging me. And yet, brutal genuine honesty, further proof that none of us really has our shit together...I do think the world needs more of that.

Saturday, June 13

Nutrition: I tried to make DIY Larabars yet again and I came to the same conclusion I always do: not worth it. I need a massive food processor upgrade, and even then it's really not much cheaper, and it's certainly not any easier, and I eat the equivalent of two bars any time I make them, so screw it. I'll keep my Amazon Subscribe & Save chock-full of LBs.
  • Larabars: 3
  • Fake cheeze
  • Too many sugary crunch bites

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 90% quality. It was pretty solid, but the graph shows me waking a lot. I got up feeling decent, but my energy completely tanked mid-morning, and I napped 11a-1230p, solidly. Better after that, but not much.

Healthy Movement: Got up with body feeling decent. Walk to run was easy peasy. Stood around at NSS for two hours, for the Relay fundraiser. From there, I changed, and started to head to GLSP. Before I made it out of Alex, I realized I needed salt tabs, and I knew I NEEDED them after my experience last weekend. And with my need to return home, I took the time to analyze whether a long run was even a good idea: no. I wasn't looking forward to it, I wasn't feeling rested, I was fearing it would to terribly. So, no run. Instead I did some grocery shopping, then headed home to eat a little something & then nap, because out of nowhere I was exhausted. Pretty much sat most of the day. Even a short run didn't sound appealing. Lifting didn't sound appealing. Tire-flipping didn't sound appealing. With my brain so shitty, a rest day sounded smartest.

Fun & Play: Walk to run. NSS fundraiser. Freedom to completely scrap my plans and nap instead. Lots of fetch. Wandering, investigating, happy-in-the-outdoors kittehs. Dad's monthly bookwork knocked out.

Socialization: I miss my people. Deeply. Fiercely. I miss Heidi & I know she misses me more because she isn't running at ALL. I miss BK and all our trail laps, and I'm a complete asshole for resenting Kate, who gets absolutely all of his spare time now. I really thought Brett & I would get some time to play in the woods but he's been injured. I miss the long runs of last fall, where I could count on Monica & Jodi needing similar miles at a similar pace. I miss lunch runs with Lisa, desperately so, and I know she misses the freedoms she had before Mac came along, but I know Mac is worth it. I miss Shawn, who is too busy racing grandiose races to slow down for the likes of me. I miss lifting dates with my BB, still my favorite times with her. I miss my everything with Amy. I miss watching Jimmy Fallon with the hubs. I have gotten Holea time, but she's about it. I am falling apart without my beloveds to hold me together.

My brain is in a terribly dark place today.

Stress Management: See ^Socialization.^

Also I am letting this shoulder/trap thing burn me up. It just feels like such a solid punch in the throat with all the effort I make to do All the Healthy Things. Today, avoiding everything that potentially hurts it meant only squats & rows, and that was so sad that I opted to do none of it. And I worried myself into a spiral of fears and sadness over what it could be and what setbacks I'll have and how weak I'll get and why have I let this drag out for so long to where it hurts to put a fucking shirt on UGH I'm so dumb and I should at least do the squats and rows but I'm so exhausted UGH I suck and blah blah blah.

My brain is in a terribly dark place today.

Eating Paleo is again feeling like a crushing weight. It's exhausting. Today's breakdown was prompted by the Grain Bin no longer carrying my fake ice cream, which I'd decided to buy for the first time in many months. Oh well, I'll just go to Pete's and get it there. Except Pete's was purchased by Cub, and their entire healthy/organic/whatever section evaporated. Some things exist; I found the GF section, but none of it is the brand I can have. And I'll never be shopping there again, why would I bother? While in Sauk, I browsed Coborn's, and their ice cream is all loaded with sugar. FINE THEN. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

That started me off on the downward spiral, so tired of this 5-times-a-day battle, and then when I couldn't stop snacking on my homemade-Larabars-in-progress, despite knowing it was way too much sugar, even though it's only MOTHERFUCKING DRIED FRUIT, I was done for.

I can't find the tolerable level of sugar intake to avoid acne, or rather it seems to be insanely low, like 3 LBs per day max, but that is about 300 calories of MOTHERFUCKING DRIED FRUIT, are you goddamn kidding me?

Why the shit can other people thrive on muffins & coffee-flavored milkshakes & cookies & donuts & candy bars & pop & beer & wine all weekend every weekend, and not suffer anything but perhaps weight gain?

I can't even order a salad in a restaurant without having to specify no cheese, no croutons, oil & vinegar (but I'll just use the vinegar because who knows what kind of oil is really in there), and don't bring me any bread, and just water, thanks - and half the time I am still hungry because there's no GD protein on that salad. There are so many restaurants I won't go to because I know I'll react with two weeks of cysts. (Most of them.) Makes going out to eat totally suck, honestly.

And I am completely sick & tired of hearing people mock the gluten-free life as if it's a pointless hipster bullshit trend. Maybe it is for a lot of people, but it's not a "trend" for all of us. (I can't even eat most of the GF shit, yo!) Even Dustin often implies that maybe my acne isn't related to what I eat, like just this week, me complaining my face is freaking out despite not eating pizza, and him responding that maybe I should just eat pizza then. Maybe you should fuck off then! And my own husband regularly says the same kind of shit. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

It's truly not fun to be eating unique and being a burden on everyone, trust me. I hate it. I hate it far more than you hate hearing about it.

More examples? I had to listen to Jill laugh about my cute little healthy plate of fruit & vegetables - as if I didn't WANT to add dip and 5 spears of chicken and a cupcake and drink the free beer. Last week I went to a cancer benefit where I couldn't eat even a single thing they served - besides water. When I go to parties there often isn't a single fucking thing I can eat; even at the NSS Xmas party, that I was so incredibly thrilled to be invited to, I could only eat what I'd brought. Or seriously debating whether I want to join the Train & Stay because I have to supply all of my own food even though Mike would have ample time to tweak the menu or could at least ASK ME for input. And all of that's par, for everyone besides my mom & my BB. 

When it's a tiny group, it would be nice for people to put 45 seconds worth of effort into thinking up a menu that includes SOMETHING I can eat, rather than acting like I'm a problem who should take care of herself because it's "just so hard" to accommodate me. WELCOME TO MY DAILY LIFE. Every time time I eat, I fight the same battle. This would be easier if our food system wasn't horseshit and more people ate this way and it wasn't so "weird." Instead, all of this shit happens all of the motherfucking time, and I hate it. People think it's my choice to eat this way, like I'm temporarily on a diet, and it's a party, just this once why can't I just eat the damn breaded chicken wings like everyone else, but they don't seem to comprehend (or worse: care) that

I.

Fucking.

Can't. 
 
My brain is in a terribly dark place today.

Friday, June 12

Nutrition: I adore sharing treats with my beloveds. Brought these coconut bites to my NSS peeps today, a universal hit...and one ingredient!
  • Larabars: 2
  • bit of the sugary crunch
  • second breakfast at Trav's

Sleep: 8.75 (!) hours in bed, 815p-5a, 76% quality. In super early, thinking I'd wake up feeling brand new. Instead, the dogs barked (at coyotes, presumably) me awake at 1030p, and I had to let them out. I was nearly in tears screaming for Hank to come back in after 5 minutes, as I was so. fucking. tired. Hubs came home at 130a. Cortisol woke me at 330a, but I managed to fall back. Hankprance woke me at 445a, rather insistently. Jerk.

Healthy Movement: Rest day. No interest in running when I got up, despite a perfectly cool beautimonious amazing morning. But I was barely interested in living, so very tired & frustrated. Shoulder still quite painful; I tried sleeping on my back (couldn't) because rolling over from the left side hurt like such a MOFO. Talked a tiny bit with Dustin today and he suggested trying a different deadlift set up...but I just want to avoid deadlifting for a week and see if that helps. If so, then let's worry about fucking with which kind of deadlift I can do. Then again, changing up deadlifts wouldn't be the worst thing for my brain. But mostly, I need to get into James. If I've got a strained trap that can't heal because I keep aggravating it, or something along those lines, then I've just got to know that and make the right changes. I promised Dustin I'll go next week if I don't have jury duty, otherwise we are still 1.5 weeks away from a visit, ugh. Stood all day at NSS, laid a decent time in the hammock, then sat at my own 'puter.

Fun & Play: Caribou + NSS made the day pretty good, despite the lousy start. BUSY at NSS made it rather insane, but I shall have to get used to that being the norm, and may learn to fully treasure the silent Friday afternoons! Had a nice lunch with Holea at Trav's. A sweet text from my BB in Ecuador, who is fully enjoying her so-very-well-deserved perfect family vacation. Some FB silliness. Fetch outside WHILE HAMMOCKING: a major life win! Soaked up some serious sunshine. Checked something off my weekend to-do list (bills, my favorite) already and feel ambitious for a productive home-related-things weekend without the hubs around.

Socialization: Still feeling a little lonely. Wishing I had weekend plans with someone, but yet, not really. I don't want to stay out past 8p, and I don't want to put on any more "public face" after tomorrow morning's extravaganza. I'm tired of hearing people complain, and I'm tired of meaningless conversations about trivial concerns, and I'm tired of people who talk only to hear themselves speaking. I don't even have much of this in my life, but I'm SO immensely impatient with it right now. I am in need of serious decompression from the public, though I couldn't say why it's hitting me like this. What I am desperately craving is a trail run with my beloveds, where we talk about all the stuff of importance, and ignore the stuff of zero importance, and so often we simply not-talk at all, and just FEEL the stuff of importance instead. But I shall only have a trail run with myself, which isn't nearly as delightful.

Thursday, June 11

Nutrition: PSA...when the dog wakes you up on a day you were hoping to sleep in, you should make French Toast. It will make you happy!

Insanely hungry & tired mid-afternoon; considered leaving work to go find calories, since my only options were rice crackers (potential acne source) and Larabars and crunch bites (too sugary). I finally gave in and began eating the crackers. Was again starving at supper time.
  • Larabars: 2
  • serving or two of cran-blueberry crunch bites
  • rice crackers
  • Just realized I haven't been documenting the cheeze I've been eating lately; had some today
Acne: Getting pretty bad again. Sad and frustrated.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 915p-545a, 88% quality. Woke a lot after 130a, annoying. Hanky began prancing at 430a already, the jerk. Turned into serious, loud, intentional stomping by 530a. Started the day rather tired.

Healthy Movement: Super creaking, tight lower legs when I got up. Better with movement, but kinda dragging, energy wise. Felt decent going into session, but damn, the results were horseshit! No idea why, but judging by worsening acne, perhaps inflammation? Also: shoulder perfectly crank by 3pm. I swear to fuck, it's actually the deadlifts, somehow. It was sharply angry on the drive home just like last Thursday. Argh argh argh.

That crappy session doesn't really bode well for my planned weekend o' miles + lifting. Hm. Makes me wonder if a rest day tomorrow, instead of the planned hour of running, would be a smart move. Or, I could do that, but cut back Sunday if it seems necessary. Maybe I decide based on how I feel tomorrow morning?

Fun & Play: Coworkers in a very chipper mood. A rose clipping from a coworker, making my area smell AMAZING! Three-day weekend, yee haw! Session. TS birthday bash, my last one. Both sad and thrilled, because I'm just ready to change. Ready to be at NSS with my beloveds.

Socialization: I'm lonely. I miss my running buddies. I miss my BB. I miss all the breaks & lunches I was enjoying with BK. I miss the hubs, gone all weekend.

Wednesday, June 10

Nutrition: Had to fast for a blood draw. MAN, that was a struggle. For once it wasn't so much the lack of coffee (though that was certainly unpleasant) so much as the lack of food in mah bellay. I was gettin' hangry.
  • Larabars: 2
  • few chews

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 845p-5a, 89% quality. Solid, woke by Hanky.

Healthy Movement: Sore from squats, slightly tight in upper back. Skipped the lunch run to see BK for the first time in forevah. Holea wasn't up for sprints in the eve so we just walked hills. I've re-plotted my weekend schedule a dozen times or so, but I think I'm set on today being my rest day, then I'm going to run easy on Friday, lift on Saturday, and run looong Sunday. If I need to take a 0 day on Monday, then, it might coincide nicely with jury duty. (Or not. Who knows.) I just have to make sure Saturday lifting doesn't directly lead to a shitty Sunday run.

Fun & Play: Class. Lunch w/ BK. Silly coworker fun. Magic cholesterol numbers! A productive afternoon, although I've GOT TO get time to teach my last giant task to someone who is currently overbooked. Ugh. Team Training was a total blast. Holea & Mitzi time. Fetch with my pooches, and kittehs exploring the outdoors, and windows open to the cool night.

Tuesday, June 9

Nutrition: Some new cysts, but from what? Rice crackers? A few chews? Ugh. Got hungry today after lunch, but I'd already had 3 LBs and didn't want to add Renola, or rice crackers, my only two options. Dumb planning.
  • Larabars: 3
  • 3 chews

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 86% quality. Awake 215-245a again, h/s/g; got up for bathroom, water, half a Larabar. Tossed & turned quite a bit before falling back. I woke up without a clue as to what day it was. Monday? Saturday? Ugh.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder improved but still there. Little bit of left deep-glute ache. Session went pretty damn good other than sucky pull-ups. Kept my brain happy, though, no big deal. Low back felt a little fatigued in the afternoon but improved with movement. PM class warm-up felt a little rough on the thighs, and I feared for my walk to run outing, which was hot as blazes, but with clouds, it was actually pretty durn tolerable.

Fun & Play: FB silliness. Collecting notes & donations for Mary. Session. Working on a frustrating task (that I need to hand off) and feeling SO GLAD that I soon won't have to think about it at all EVAH AGAIN. Walk to run.

PSA: If you are lucky enough to have a job that grants sick time, but it won't be paid out when you quit/retire/are fired, make sure you use that shit UP. I'll be walking out of this place with almost 150 hours of earned-but-unused sick time off. That's almost a month of pay! And trust me, I DAMN well could've, and should've, used some mental health days, especially in the past year. Take this lesson to heart, folks: be a slacker now & then. Overachieving isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Monday, June 8

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 3
  • Rice crackers

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 61% quality. Awake 215-245a or so; got up for bathroom, water, half a Larabar. Overheating, and couldn't get comfortable on left shoulder anger. Alarm had to wake me.

Healthy Movement: Body feels better, though shoulder seems worse (what, from sleeping? SO DELICATE). Ran uphills at lunch, felt better than I expected. If I'd had another set of clothes, I think I would've added downhill after TT; it may be better that I didn't, but it's something to consider dong once the W2R mileage ends.

Fun & Play: Took my class outside this morning, and it was gorgeous! Working in yoga pants. Great progress with teaching one aspect of my TS job. Team Training. Fetch. Productive evening at home. 

Sunday, June 7

Nutrition: I do have one cyst developing, but nothing else. Yesterday's pizza & chews could change things. Still been avoiding the bacon ends & pieces (sob) & letting the hubs eat it up (SOB).

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 84% quality. Woke a few times (dogs) and got up when Hanky wouldn't let up. Feeling fairly rested despite all that.

Healthy Movement: Body better than expected after the miles yesterday. Left calf oddly tight, rest just mild aches. However, when lifting started, I realized I am actually kind of a mess? Tight lower body, creaky joints from hips through knees to ankles, and still a fairly crank left shoulder. (I may have two issues there: inside of bicep/armpit area, AND where [trap?] muscle attaches underneath my collarbone. If a week off rings doesn't improve then I have GOT TO get in to see James. GOT TO.)

I heavily debated grinding through vs doing lightweight KB versions vs cutting out lower body vs total rest, and I chose to take my time & grind it all out as planned. I brought OHP back to 5-lb jumps only and still needed to change the last 2 reps to push-press; these don't bother the shoulder but it could still be the problem. I added more rows per Chiefly direction, and I added hanging abs per my own "sad core" diagnosis. I did back squats since Chief said front squats won't help my caving (thus much more weight than the prior front squats) despite the initial set feeling like garbage (it worked! later sets improved, though still felt heavier than they actually were). I screwed up my bench reps & did extra reps on first two sets before realizing it (super not sad about it!). I boosted deadlifts by a set, though I brought reps down (tried changing grip from last week and that felt awful, went back to R overhand/L underhand, much better).

So, overall, I still accomplished a lot & made progress, but it was hard. Is that okay? I'm struggling with my programming. How can I run a crapton of miles on Saturday and still do All The Lifting on Sunday? I've dramatically increased my workout time in the past month, and my mileage specifically in the past two weeks. I have no reasonable right to expect to feel awesome, but I want to, dammit! For now, I will keep this schedule up, see if I can maintain this with progression, or whether I'm going to be doing All The Work and going backward because I'm not recovering.

Other than the workout, I was on my ass (on the computer) all. day. long.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in, kinda. A silent house while the hubs slept in, for real. Lifting badassery. Reading about FANS badassery. A sunggly kitteh in my lap. A cool house despite outside heat. Knocked out the last bit of CECs for my CMA (from last year; now I have 20 to get in for this year, GULP). Fetch on a gorgeous night. Hubs time.

Saturday, June 6

Nutrition:
  • 1 Larabar
  • 5 chews before/during run
  • Daiya pizza

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 845p-530a, 59% quality. Woke tons again, and couldn't really fall back after waking at 4a, but I got up feeling fairly well-rested. Napped about 130-3p or so.

Healthy Movement: Body felt rather creaky in W2R warm-up, like lifting soreness. My little Crossfitting speedster made my "easy peasy" W2R outing into miles that actually counted! Thus, heading out to LCSP for an ambitious 12.5 miles immediately afterward was made even MORE ambitious, but I did it!

I went in treating it like pacer duties (just easier): about an hour, then an aid station, then another hour (roughly). The first lap went about as expected, and since I had no buddies at my side, I'd have been thrilled to stop there & call it good - so I did have to remind myself many times that I couldn't shorten my miles because Tahoe, can't let Brian down, etc. At my pit stop, I took the time to perfect things, like fresh shoes (did not miss the dandelion-catching Vibrams) & socks, a S/S shirt (so much cooler!), and full water bottles. This completely outweighed the mental challenge of leaving my car, which felt a bit risky when I planned it.

I only ate 3 chews, since I had started with a belly full o' Larabar. I ate 2 chews again at ~1:50, but I probably should've had 2-4 chews every half hour. They really aren't many calories apiece (25-ish) so I needed more, but they're sticky so I didn't want to eat them constantly and have them stuck on my teeth & have Spiderman palms, BUT I think they'd sit better in more frequent, smaller doses. Also, um, salt tabs: I had none with, hadn't even thought about them. Next time, yes, need electrolytes!

Anyway, some good lessons re-learned, and miles achieved, and mental confidence gained. I am hyper-aware of the fact that I am pushing miles for a specific point again (the whole reason I quit racing), so I carefully assessed whether the "want to quit after 1 lap" mental mode was merely a temporary tiredness, not that I was going to push myself past it & finish with that smashed-flat, "fuck this, I hate running" feeling. And hooray, all systems go! I'm excited to keep increasing for a couple more weeks here, but really hoping my besties will be able to join some of them. So much more fun that way.

Aftermath: glutes were quite tight & sore, hips were the creakiest joints, feet a little fatigued; and pretty tired, despite the pizza calories & nap. All normal.

Fun & Play: Fantabulous walk to run outing. Successful trail miles. Bald eagles, and spreading the word about them. Quiet time. Car fixed. Nap time. Family outing to a wildly successful benefit for a friend with cancer. More quiet hubs time.

Friday, June 5

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • Greg's smoked almonds
  • jalapeno bacon jerky

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 66% quality. Wide awake at 1245a, as Lexi barked at something (OMG was that a leaf?!), and then stayed awake, h/s/g. Finally after an hour of in/out/not-really sleeping, I got up for water, bathroom, half an LB, and turned on the ceiling fan. BONUS: left shoulder constantly woke me. I got up tired & pretty much hating the world. Happy Friday, yo.

Healthy Movement: Shoulder is aching something fierce. Woke me many times, as sleeping on it pinches, but not as much as rolling over to the other side pinches. SUPER SUCKAGE. Rest of the body was in great shape. Sat much of the day again, between teaching TS job & working NSS job.

Fun & Play: A slow, quiet morning. Hanky snuggles before I left. Updating LAE volunteer deets. FB silliness. NSS that included both Holea & Dustin time. A quiet house. Went to bed nice & early.

Thursday, June 4

Nutrition: I want to eat ALL THE FOOD today.
  • Larabars: 2
  • smoked almonds again
  • a few chews between runs
  • ribs

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 97% quality. In late due to the supper with my ROUSers, and up earlier than I wanted thanks to Hankypank. I could've used another hour...tired.Very tired by the day's end, nearing "fuck the whole stupid world" tired.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good other than lower legs being tight. Left medial gastroc specifically, don't I sound like a genius [who uses Google images]? Good solid session; shoulder a little crank afterward. Tried to log a fast two miles before walk to run since no one came to class, but the body told me to fuck off. Walk to run itself felt pretty enjoyable other than the blister.

Left shoulder got crank enough throughout the day for me to ice the little bastard, as I type. I spent two hours convincing myself to tell Dustin to keep me off the rings for a few weeks and see what happens, but maybe I could wait until I hit 25, but that could be like 2 months who knows, and don't I want to be strong not kippy anyway, so who cares! I finally just dropped an email so I can't conveniently forget and keep dragging out this stupidity.

Fun & Play: Coworkers in good moods. Silly memes. Session. Work progress. Walk to run. Hubs time. Quiet time.

Stress Management: I'm turning into a jerk at work. Everyone seems to be chitchatty and I CAN'T POSSIBLY CHITCHAT RIGHT NOW as I have a bajillion things to accomplish before I bail. And did I mention my upcoming week of jury duty? FUCK.

Wednesday, June 3

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • smoked almonds from Greg HOLY NOMZZ
  • salad at the Depot

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 87% quality.

Healthy Movement: Class warm-up felt great. Did some rows, per Dustin, and some SA chin work that is only feeling "meh, okay." Stopped when the shoulder gave some crank. Utility run at noon felt fabulous. Evening dash down to the Depot felt great, but the return gave crank lower legs.

Fun & Play: Class. Lunch run. Team Training. Supper with my ROUSers.

Stress Management: Jury duty the week of June 15th. The letter says to call in on the 14th to find out, but be prepared for 1-5 days, and it may go into the evening. So how the fuck is one supposed to prepare their work & personal life for total upheaval, but only MAYBE? This absolutely annoys the shit out of me, and I'm a wee bit panicked about missing the chance to teach things to work people, coach Team Training, lead Walk to Run, not to mention my own workouts would have to move to like 6am - but I can't do anything about it except prepare and hope. I'm reminding the panic-prone parts of my brain of that very thing.

Tuesday, June 2

Nutrition:
  • Larabars: 2
  • Bacon jerky

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 86% quality. Woke at 330a overheating, and very happy to snuggle back in.

Healthy Movement: Tight lower legs first off, good with movement. Session was highly mediocre; ONCE AGAIN pulls went nowhere, the arms just run out of steam. I'd like to think my form keeps improving, meaning less kip, but I have no way to objectively measure that. Squats are not progressing because my core caves, and somehow, says Dustin, ROWS will help? And finally, my first three bench sets were easy-peasy blissful perfection, but then I had shit position on the last one and barely did one incredibly-hard rep. WHAT THE WITH THE WHO NOW? But, a good brain place means I'm fine. Mostly. Movin' on. Sat most of the day in a conference room, yuck. Logged some banded SA chin-ups during class; I need the thickest band, and I'm still barely doing them! Dang, I'm not so sure I can achieve this by year-end. W2R outing was a little on the fast side, keeping Aaron dialed back to an easy 9:00 pace, after he smashed himself flat by going all-out last Tuesday. I didn't feel like a second hard W2R was a great idea during close week's brain drain, so I enjoyed chitchat with DQ & BL & CB instead.

Fun & Play: Finally nailed the proper short hair length. LOVE. IT. SO. MUCH. Can't believe all the stupid little annoyances I put up with for so long...I feel like there's a blog post in that realization. Session was delightful. Close week is going really well, though I'm still not sure how to find time to pass off two other major tasks. Hard to comprehend I only have one more round of month-end to survive! Class with my meathead, and walk to run was delightful, as always. Fetch & a silent house.

Monday, June 1

Nutrition:
  • 3 Larabars
  • Rice crackers 
  • Bacon jerky

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 97% quality. NO. Took ages to fall asleep, woke often, and woke at 415a. So much tossing & turning, I'd call it 67%.

Healthy Movement: Some aches & pains in lower body: hip, knee, foot, but movement makes things better. Happy easy uphills at lunch.

Fun & Play: Class. Break with BK. Happy coworkers. A good run. Team Training. FB silliness. Shorter hair yet.

Sunday, May 31

Nutrition:
  • Few chews after run
  • Larabars: 2

Sleep: Holy what, I completely forgot to turn on Sleep Cycle! NO DATA?? But in bed 8 hours or so, around 945p-545a, pretty damn solid...95%. Woke naturally and felt rested. Attempted a nap 2-330p, but critters & hubs didn't really cooperate. Got up feeling worse.

Healthy Movement: Body feels fantastic other than that tight trap, and also left shoulder took a small step backward. I did feel that yesterday at NSS, I tried some kippy pulls on the straight bar, trying to gauge whether a muscle-up is something I can get back at, and immediately the left shoulder was like NO YOU DI-INT so I shut right down. Didn't feel it when I actually got to lifting at home; it was all good there.

Morning run at LCSP was AWESOMESAUCE. It had some moments of "too hard" but not many; and when I was there, I just kept up with my pals and trusted the body would come back around. By the very end I could feel some legit fatigue in the glutes & even low back (on uphills), attributing to yesterday's deadlifts (normally I'd be doing a long run the day after a full rest day).

Fun & Play: Slow, quiet, sunny, cool, coffee-filled morning breakfast. Fantabulous trails with fantabulous pals. Playing with Excel. Smoked ribs noms. Trimming up my new short hair even further.