Wednesday, April 15

  • 515a-eggs, side pork, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-coffee w/ CM
  • 945-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1145-apple chips
  • 115p-pork roast, banana
  • 345-apple, LB
  • (515-7m trails)
  • 7-fried eggs sandwich w/ cheeze, raw veg w/ guac

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 90% quality. SOLID as hell, but alarm had to wake me, bleah.

Healthy Movement: Body is again feeling fantastic. I like it! Managed some SA chin work again class. They've still gone backward, but they are coming back. Surprised not to feel any squat soreness, slight hint of bench soreness. Left shoulder is still there. On the run, though? Lead legs.

Fun & Play: A fun, full, strong class. Chitchat with BL about W2R stuffs. BK chitchat. Coworker chitchat. Trails with HH. Some reliving of Boston memories. Fetch. Quiet house. Promise of a hubs viewing before he runs off to ND for a week.

Stress Management: The unbearable weight of this place is going to kill me prior to my last day, I just know it. I'm overloaded, I'm trying so hard to keep up, and yet I see people even MORE overloaded, and trying SO much harder, and then I think I should be able to do this, why don't I take work home too? But no. I feel awful for them & I want to be able to help them, but ultimately? I am ready to give up.

I do not have the capacity to do a good job anymore. I don't feel good about any-fucking-thing I produce, I'm forced to do a shoddy job because all the things are hothothot and needed RANOW, so I slap something together and send it off, and it makes me feel awful about myself. We used to have this phrase about "setting people up for success," giving them the tools they need to do their job well, but it feels like that concept went right out the door on July 8.

I. Just. Want. Out.

Out out out.

I am in despair.

And yet, I truly do want to see the ship turn, oh so much. I need to get off it for my own sanity, and I want to trust & hope & believe that the remaining people are smart enough to turn it. Because I still have a couple hundred friends there, and a generous handful of precious, priceless beloveds, that I desperately want to see happy & secure & fulfilled in their jobs.

But I am doing all I can do.

All day I remind myself of this.

This is so hard.

I struggle.

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