Sunday, February 15

  • 545a-eggs, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-SB&CB&J toast, coffee w/ CM
  • (9-lifting session)
  • 11-eggs, ham, potatoes (Trav's)
  • 4-SB&CB&J toast
  • 6-salad w/ tomato dressing, summer sausage w/ rice crackers, macaroon

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 1030p-530a, 83% quality. In late but up at nearly the same time. Makes the weekdays easier, I know, but it sure would be nice to sleep in. On the other hand, Sundays done properly mean nap time: 1-3p today.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great. Logged a lifting session in the basement (with the hubs) that didn't feel easy but also wasn't too bad. I should be celebrating it, though, because usually I do sets of 5 and they were 8s today. Perhaps that's also the reason I didn't have time to deadlift, though I did get my SA chin work done in the afternoon.

Fun & Play: Love notes from besties, including someone who needs to become a bestie. Hubs time while lifting. HB time at Trav's. Snuggly pets. Time to work on Desire Map and write. (Brain dump below!) Talking with hubs about summer plans: take the dogs camping at state parks, where I can run & he can fish.

Temperance: I use an app that gives me a daily awareness practice. I love it, but here's what usually happens: I read it first thing each day, but then it completely ditches my brain. Like, zero awareness beyond 30 seconds. So I'm working on KEEPING it in my brain throughout the day. Today's quote struck me hard enough to prompt some writing, which may be the way to make it stick.
If we did all the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. -Thomas Alva Edison
If we simply acknowledge all that we are currently doing, we would astound ourselves! Assignment: Today, bring some conscious awareness to all that you are currently doing.

So, here is my list of things I am currently doing:
  • Working full time at TS, covering more than one position, which I've been doing for 8 months, now doing so during the busiest time of the year for our team. While I love the people & the immense knowledge I've gained & the culture & the benefits, I hate the exhausting amount of work, the unreasonable time demands, feeling like I should be there 50 hours per week & happy about it, constantly worrying about my team, and feeling conflicted about the business's purpose. I wish I could do less of this.
  • Teaching 4-5 classes per week, which are delightful fun & amazingly fulfilling, but also take me away from my TS desk a solid 3-4 hours when factoring in prep time (clothes, set-up, planning). I wish I could do more of this, a lot more, but do not have the job/time capacity.
  • Working 3-6 hours at NSS, a place I love, want to help grow, and want to be able to spend even more time at, but I do not currently have the capacity to give any more time. I desperately want to get there full-time at some point, but they do not have the capacity for me yet. (A concern for when I do: how do I continue to teach and fill that bucket?)
  • Working all day Saturday at DBB, 8-10 hours, whatever my brain can handle. I love it there. The people are awesome & the work is strangely fulfilling. I know it's weird given how much I bitch & moan, but I honestly wish I could do more of this. I don't want to be there full-time, though, as I don't want to be in Sauk full-time.
  • Lifting heavy 2-3 hours per week, with easy (relatively) short-term goals, ambitious long-term goals, and the relentless desire to get stronger. Not quite enough physical capacity to lift as much as I really want, and running drains my capacity, but with patience & consistency I know I can build a bigger container.
  • Running trails 3 times per week (for now) with my beasties. This I generally have the physical capacity for, though the mental capacity can disappear completely (like lately) which effectively reduces physical capacity.
  • Trying to inspire others to find their fit lifestyle by sharing how much fun lifting & running are to me, trying to convey that they are not things I make myself do, they are things I do for the pure bliss of them.
  • Keeping up deep, deep connections with a handful of besties, holding forth on everything from nature to hermitting in mountains to running to lifting to goals to marriages to jobs to friends to what we want to be when we grow up to societal expectations to body image to family to children to pets to coffee to bacon to health to wellness to the lifelong pursuit of happiness. These conversations refill my bucket in every way, although I've found the effort to connect with some friends & family is not always worth it, and I limit the time I commit to such people, while I fully support & outright devote myself to helping some others. I am continuously creating, shaping, refining my tribe.
  • Keeping tabs on a wide variety of friends who may not be besties, but about whom I still care and want to connect with regularly. 
  • Shedding social conditioning of my brain, specifically in regards to what women are supposed to do, be, think, appear. Fuck that noise. 
  • Reading and writing about topics near & dear to my heart. So damn bucket-filling, and very much missed when I don't have/make the time.
  • Volunteering for Relay, participating in LAPW, doing taxes for a few select peeps, ROUS event planning. Mostly bucket-filling, although I've had to become very strict with myself on deciding how much is too much. Still learning how to say NO every time it isn't FUCK YES (because NO makes the room for YES).
  • Eating nearly 100% Paleo all the time. Draining, but worth it, but draining.
  • Taking care of pets & oil changes & grocery fetching & laundry & dishes & all the aggravating, unfulfilling little necessities of adulthood.
  • Managing every single aspect of our finances. I enjoy it & truly couldn't give it up, but it's a time investment. 
  • Worrying about my marriage & panicking about our/my future. Draining beyond motherfucking belief, especially because I am only talking about it with a couple friends, and haven't felt like I can write about it, because I need to be blunt, and that's going to hurt people, and there are, sadly, thoughts that I feel I cannot share with a single soul. But I suppose I could write in a journal that is NOT for public viewing. You know, like normal people. That might help.
  • Imagining summer shenanigans with my trail peeps, wishing the winter away. Surprisingly draining, because it makes NOW seem so much worse than it is. NOW isn't really all that bad. It's good. It's just not great. And I want great in this life, since it's the only one I've got.

No wonder I'm exhausted!

Oh, and then let me look through this list and hear my cunty internal voice scream at me for essentially having life by the ass, when so many suffer in so many ways. I've got fabulous job opportunities & a great house & financial security, I've got food & my health, I've got beloveds who love me back, I've got pets giving me unconditional love.

Why can't I be happy with all of this? Why must I seek bliss in every aspect of my life?

Because fuck you: why shouldn't I?

Why should I settle? Why should others' judgments of what I have determine whether or not it's enough for me? Because that's what the cunty internal voice is. It's society, it's conditioned mind, it's my family & coworkers & surely even some friends thinking I'd be an idiot if I did all the things that my heart really, truly, madly, deeply, desperately wants.

But am I living for them? Are their good opinions of me going to suffice when it's too late to salvage my life, and I find myself buried up to my eyeballs in regret?


The voice of desire, coming from the depths of my soul, is the only one I must heed.

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