Saturday, February 7

Nutrition:
  • 4a-fried eggs sandwich w/ slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • (530-7m trails)
  • 930-fried egg sandwich w/ slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • 1145-cran-blueberry crunch
  • 4p-Larabar
  • 7?-veg w/ guac, Kind Strong bar
  • 9?-pork jerky

Sleep: 7 hours in bed 845p-345a, 79% quality. Woke a few times; woke naturally just before the alarm. Squeezed in a half-nap, about 8-915a; woke by a malfunctioning sump noise, so I didn't quite get a full cycle, ugh. I needed it.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling good physically. Logged a decent-feeling lap with Brian, although I did have to walk a couple hills, and I just wasn't a very good companion. I'm so very tired of being a whiner, and yet so very tired that I can't stop.

Fun & Play: Morning trails with my bestie. Hubs time. NSS party: painting fun with the girls, a visit with The Mitz, Cards against Humanity hilarity (right up my alley), JibJab silliness that included me, hanging with my favoritest meatheads, wonderfully generous amazing praise from Dustin, feeling like part of the NSS family. Lots of love for those peeps. All the love.

Stress Management: Life. Tiredness. BK pointed out something insightful on our run: my TS work is nothing like it was during any other tax season, since we never had July 8 any other tax season. Given that I'm doing like 3 jobs there, I shouldn't expect so much left over for my other jobs. This makes sense. There is also nothing I can do about it at this point. Nearly had a full-on breakdown in the LCSP parking lot, had to let BK leave and spend some time getting my brain back under control. At the NSS party, I felt like an outcast at painting, like I didn't fit in. Plus I'm not fond of my painting, bleah. Massive food-based suckiness (below). Every time I picked up my phone today, I used my new lock code, which I changed because hubs, which washed a dose of sad over me every time.

Temperance: The snacks at Dawn's house was cheese & crackers. The wing competition was boneless breaded wings; I had figured normal wings and eating just the sauce we'd brought, which the hubs had found specifically for me. CJ's wife made a salad that was everything-free but included wheat berries (what the fuck is that even?!) and she apologized, but I was told "Oh gosh, if you could eat this you'd love it," as if that would somehow make me feel better? HB was the only one who brought something I could eat, but she never put it out. 

These are minor problems. But they are my everyday life, always, everywhere, and it gets fucking OLD. I don't expect people to accommodate my every issue, but can they at least THINK about me? Let me know I shouldn't expect to eat anything being provided? I could have brought my own wings & took our sauce, and semi-fit in. And the fact that no one seemed apologetic, at all, besides CJ, hurt. Like they have no awareness that it creates that left-out "other" feeling, okay fine, you're amazing but you're still boys, and you think I choose to eat this way; but what the fuck did they think I was going to eat?

So, I got a belly filled with veg & guac, and some stuff I brought myself. I hate this. I hate being other. I hate being left out. When I went outside to my car to fetch some of my snacks, I nearly cried in frustration at all of it. I didn't really want to go back in, I was feeling so low; the silent outdoors felt more welcoming. As part of of the white-elephant game, I took my own two "good" gifts back so I could have some damned meat (one of mine was pork jerky, bacon jerky, & pork rinds!) and that started to put my brain back on straight so I could enjoy my night.

But here's why it's under "temperance": this is a problem of ME not asking for what I need. This is me not wanting to be demanding or bossy. This is me fearing to speak up. This is me just wanting people to read my mind and remember me on their list of 1000 other things to remember. So it's my own fault, I'm the idiot here.

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