Monday, February 2

Nutrition: I wasn't hungry for supper? I must be dying?
  • 515-fried egg sandwich w/ bacon & Slawsa, coffee w/ CM
  • 745-Larabar
  • 10-LB, jerky
  • 1230p-tuna w mustard on toast, orange, Renola
  • 330-LB #3, yep
  • (530-7m trails)
  • 7-Kind Strong bar

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 94% quality. Solid but woke at 3a to the rest of the house being up (hubs leaving for trucking again), and was shitty after that. Alarm had to wake me and it felt impossible that it should be 5a already.

Healthy Movement: Lower right back was a bit crank right away. I don't fucking know what its problem is, but STOP IT! Happily, standing was good for it. No class warm-up, because no class.

Lovely run with BK & DQ. Body felt great; was hoping to be impressed by my time again, but it was back to the ol' winter standard. I'll blame the slowdown on waiting for DQ to catch up to us. Hip did ache a touch toward the end, kicked in somewhere around mile 6, but it really wasn't bad.

Fun & Play: Texts and IMs with my besties to cheer me up. Lunch with BK & chitchat with assorted DC peeps. Trail time.

Stress Management: No one showed up for class. I guess this is kind of the nature of group fitness to happen now & then, but this is not my normal job; I effectively don't get paid for this time because it's not like I now only have 36 weekly hours of Finance work. So I shall be exchanging numbers so everyone can just text me if they won't show. Then I'll know if I can sleep the fuck in and catch up a little on my brain state.

Which, today, is bad. I left home feeling great, delighted by the clear sky's bright stars & big beautiful moon, and looking forward to a run in both at the end of the long work day, for which I felt mentally prepared.

And then one little thing went wrong and boom, I'm near collapse again.

And then technologically speaking, shit went wrong All. Day. Long. I spent at least three hours doing stuff that got me nowhere. Pure wasted time. On DAY ONE of JANUARY close, already a fuckton of extra work and the same too-tight deadlines. I wanted to go find a hidey hole and leave only at running time.

Oh, and brain would not Shut The Fuck Up for anything. It just wouldn't quit chasing circles, pure maniacal monkey-mind fashion.

Definitely tired, yes.

But mostly: definitely need to stop thinking.

So just after lunch, again finding myself sitting & thinking & stressing for the 100th time today, I made a decision. I have decided that, in the one area that is super-mega-ultra-stressing my brain I'm just going to assume the worst-case scenario will happen, thus no need to worry about what MIGHT happen. Just, the worst. Okay, but it will not happen now, so there is no need to dwell on it now. Shelve it for now, and trust that when action needs to be taken, I will be strong enough to handle it. And so, decision made, stop thinking about it, stop fearing it, just go on with life. It got me through the day, let me return my focus to my massive workpile. And then BK & I chatted about it post-run, and I sorta fell apart again, getting lost in the worry.

And again I came back to that same decision of shelving it. It's the best I can do right now.

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