Saturday, February 28

Nutrition: I think the current blast of acne is from fake sugars, like stevia in the Natural Calm. Yep, can't even fake my way to sweet. Obnoxious.
  • 5a-eggs, beef hot dog, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • (630-7.1m trails)
  • 8-Larabar
  • 1030-jerky, LB
  • 12P-apple, jerky, LB
  • 330-LB
  • 630-LB
  • 830-grilled cheeze, beef hot dog, apple w/ SB, bootch

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 79% quality. Solid but still could've used more. Weird dreams, like about Hanky being able to talk!

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling stiff. Run with Heidi was a slog, but also a delight! Standing all day at the tax firm again, though not nearly as long thanks to sleeping in (??) for the later run. Low back got pretty tight after what turned about to be still pretty long: 9-7 without any breaks to sit & eat, like I had yesterday. Sore feet and bit of the deep left gluts ache, nothing major.

Fun & Play: Heidi. Trails. Sunrise. Harper, the most handsomest damned doggy around! BK chitchat. Taxy peeps. FB silliness. Feeling loving again; tired, but loving. (Ready to forgive BK as soon as he SAYS something.) BB chitchat about a job idea that prompted talking to Dustin that prompted (I think) meeting with those boys this week. (!!!) And I made it through Cuntbruary, hot diggity god damn. 

Friday, February 27

  • 445a-eggs, Brussels sprouts, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 730-Larabar
  • 10-SB toast, coconut butter packet
  • 1130-salad w/ chicken, LB
  • 230-apple w/ SB, LB
  • 430-LB
  • 8-chicken, grilled cheeze (& it was fantastic!), bootch

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 71% quality. Got up twice after settling in, once to ask the hubs to turn down the hockey game, again when I realized I was hearing a cat trapped in the pantry. Woke naturally and got up feeling rested, surprisingly.

Healthy Movement: Little bit of the usual deadlift soreness, but minimal. Some stiffness from standing at a desk that is slightly off from my usual, finding myself with hips too far forward for too much of the day. Legs got extremely stiff, too, much more so than at TS; guess I don't move as often here. Feet got fat and I had to call it a day just shy of 13 hours. (Breaks for grub, of course.)

Fun & Play: Taxy day! Lunch with the hubs. BK chitchat on Tahoe. Nice chitchat with the taxy peeps on job possibilities. I really truly may be able to cobble together an ideal (& full-time) job situation between DBB & NSS. It could happen if I decide to make it happen. 

Stress Management: Today is the 3-year anniversary of an old friend's death. I wasn't in his life much anymore, but he was always there in my formative years, another big brother. Seeing FB posts about him prompted a little breakdown, just missing him. Life is not fair, yo; death even less so. 

Thursday, February 26

  • 5-eggs, Brussels sprouts, sausage, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 730-LB
  • 10-LB
  • 1145-coconut butter
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-tuna w/ mustard & rice crackers, Renola
  • 3-jerky
  • 545-jerky, rice crackers
  • 7-raw veg w/ guac, apple w/ SB, Natural Calm

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 945p-5a, 87% quality. Solid but not enough. My heart rate, normally 65-70, has clocked in at 80 for three straight days. Concerning?

Healthy Movement: Aching in the deep left glute again, from yesterday's run. Got better throughout the day, nothing left by session time. Had a kickass day where deadlifts were easy & light. Happy deadlift day, my friend!

Fun & Play: Coworkers. LT meeting. Session. Class. Meathead kicking ass. Hubs time.

Stress Management: Today's workday was longer than yesterday's, but much better. Because I was doing what felt like worthwhile work. I had a crapton of entries to make, and today was my last day to make them, and so I buckled down and worked until 630p. And I didn't mind. That's telling me that much of my frustration with work is attending unnecessary meetings, doing busywork, and also the being overwhelmed, still a problem. Next month has potential to suck worse than Cuntbruary did...I hope my brain can stay up, that will be the key.

Temperance: Yesterday & today I rehearsed a rather combative encounter with the nurse who would go over my health assessment with me today. I was ready to argue that I don't need a follow-up visit solely due to my high cholesterol because EVERY OTHER HEALTH FACTOR is fucking glorious, and goddammit, I'm healthier than anyone else in this fucking company. Then it hit me, wait...I actually probably am. Strongest chick: not quite, we have miss AP taking that mantle, unless we're talking upper body, I may win that round. But my endurance will kick her ass, for sure. Which makes me more well-rounded and...whoa. That was a pretty amazing realization. It's high time I stop letting my first 30 years define me. (Luckily, today's nurse was super reasonable and gave me a gold star. I get a follow-up lab check in 6 months, but she was so reasonable, and so happy to have someone healthy to just congratulate. It was lovely!)

BK was totally lying to me by omission. I am now certain that I was right about my suspicions nearly two weeks ago, and we've hung out four freaking hours since then, between breaks & lunches & runs, and he's said nothing to me. Oh, he's dropped some obvious hints that he clearly expected me to pick up (I did) and ask questions (I won't; I refuse; if you have something to tell me, you tell me, like a damn adult). And now the evidence of his news is showing up on Facebook (without clearly stating it, but it's beyond obvious). And here I sit, supposedly a bestie, but I'm (theoretically) finding out alongside every other random FB acquaintance. So yeah, that feels great. I am angry & hurt & disappointed. I am SO tempted to text him to demand an apology & an explanation, but I want to see him in person, so he can't get off easily via text. Which means Monday morning. That's 3.5 more days! Argh!!

Wednesday, February 25

  • 515-eggs, sausage, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 930-LB, coffee w/ CM
  • 1130-jerky, coconut butter
  • 1230-tuna w/ mustard on rice crackers, apple w/ CB, LB
  • 315-KSB
  • (5-7.1m trails)
  • 7-eggs, Slawsa, squash, toast, bootch, Natural Calm

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 76% quality. Felt pretty solid, but alarm buzzed me awake.

Healthy Movement: Body is tight all over, including a bit in low back. Squat soreness big time after standing a long time in the morning, but sitting in a couple meetings helped. Still: feeling very BLEAH again/already. Afternoon was worse, and I nearly didn't want to go run. But I couldn't be happier that I did. HH & I had a thoroughly enjoyable slog, full of chitchat and laughter, and I left feeling like me again.

Fun & Play: Class. Hubs chitchat. Lunch with BK. Work productivity. HH time that was the best, the most, the everything. I fucking love that woman. More hubs time in the eve. He has been 100% wonderful lately.

Stress Management: Hated what I did at work today, as the bulk of my hours felt like mindless, pointless, mid-level management bullshit busywork. Made me so frustrated, because there is so much MORE IMPORTANT SHIT I should be doing. Like work I keep discovering undone, related to a job I shouldn't be doing, but am stuck doing because we have two open positions, one of which should still be occupied and I want to SMASH. THINGS. By 3pm it felt like 7pm, or perhaps like I'd already been there for a lifetime. I am burned the fuck out.

Temperance: 99% sure BK is lying to me, or at least, purposely not telling me very big news. This feels like shit. He is in my tip-top tier of beloveds, and I keep no secrets from him - he is, in fact, in on more of my life than most folks in that tier. So for him to still withhold something that I figured out almost 2 weeks ago? Hurts. A lot.

I know he's not telling me because he thinks I'll lecture him for it. Which feels shittier, because I absolutely will not. I'm very disappointed that the foolish boy doesn't know me half as well as I know him, if I'm right about all of this. Hurts even more.

Tuesday, February 24

Nutrition: Getting some acne. From Trav's? From pizza? From mixed nuts? From Kind Strong bars? GAH. I actually feel like I've had some weird digestion for the past few days, and generally these go together. Everything digestive SEEMS to be functioning normally, but I feel rather bloated & just...bleahgross. I shall eat more good stuff, less of the outer-limit stuff, and hopefully things return to my normal.
  • 5a-eggs, Slawsa, sausage, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 10-banana toddler pack w/ Renola & CM
  • 1145-fruit leather
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-ribs, pineapple
  • 230-banana
  • 530-KS bar
  • 7-raw veg & pork rinds w/ guac, apple w/ SB, bootch

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 79% quality. Felt quite solid until 430a. Couldn't quite fall back then, though I had time to.

Healthy Movement: Still feeling the deadlifts, sore muscles from mid-back through hams; fine with it as long as it doesn't affect my session. But it totally did, and I wasn't even expecting it. What the damn hell? Only logged a single set of SA chin work in class, and called it a deload day for pulls. Because my gut instinct was to FORCE THEM, I did the opposite; I've learned that forcing my body to do anything is generally a very bad idea, even though it hurts the brain to be "lazy."

Fun & Play: Hubs chitchat - in the morning! Silly pets. BK chitchat. FB silliness with trail-runner peeps. Happy coworkers. Fun class working on technique, with some kickass squats by AS. Hubs time in eve. He had cute baby animal videos queued up for me since I had told him I would be working late after a shitty afternoon full of meetings. Baby animals! Goats!! Whatta guy.

Monday, February 23

  • 445a-eggs, squash, sausage, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 745-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 930-Heaven in a bowl, coffee
  • 1230-ribs, squash, pineapple, Kind Strong bar
  • 330-LB
  • (630-5.78m run)
  • 8-sausage, toast, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 830p-415a, 88% quality. Took a while to fall asleep (guess I didn't need to be in so early), but slept soundly and woke naturally. 

Healthy Movement: Quite a bit of all-over tightness from the lifting, but zero pain points! Wouldn't have run in the stoopid wind gusts on my own, so: yay BK! Definitely felt the hamstrings working & whining, and was not a chatty pace, but I managed to impress myself with the time, so: yay BK!

Fun & Play: Break time with BK, including AS chitchat. Good team morale & serious productivity. Fantastic time helping AS with his 1RM on bench (210#!!) followed by the LAE planning meeting that consisted of three of my beastly besties: perfection. Solid run with BK. Hubs chitchat.

Stress Management: Still haven't made up for my missed day at the tax firm on the 7th (for the NSS party) and had been considering working on Sunday. But since that means 13 straight looong days of work that includes another month-end close, I decided against it. Instead, I'm burning up Friday PTO to work at the tax firm, and will then work at NSS on Sunday. I'll still have 13 straight days of work, but my Sunday will still have time for lifting (with the hubs!) & chores, which will help keep my sanity. And I think it's pretty obvious that I need all the help I can get.

Sunday, February 22

  • 530a-two egg & Slawsa sandwiches, coffee w/ lotta CM
  • 9-SB&J toast
  • (915-basement lifting)
  • 10-Larabar
  • 1215p-eggs, ham, potatoes, coffee (Trav's!)
  • 430-banana, mixed nuts
  • 615-raw veg w/ guac

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 1015p-515a, 82% quality. Sound, but woke too damned early. Luckily, it's Sunday, FINALLY, which meant nap time, 2-430p. Delicious.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling fine. Had the energy to do All The Lifts and it felt excellent just to be feeling that good again. Managed to work the pause benching all the way up to 110x5, spotter-less, and felt like a goddamn champion. I also put up this reminder, directly in sight while squatting or deadlifting, that my basement work is not meant to max out anything, but purely to build a bigger container. I like it.

Fun & Play: Bill-paying in the early AM. Kickass workout. Trav's with the hubs. Chores all done, with bonus help from the hubs. Nap time. BK chitchat. FB silliness. Time with my precious 4-legged beasties.

Saturday, February 21

Nutrition: As much as I eat, how am I still hungry every two hours??

  • 515-eggs, sausage, slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 615-SB&J toast
  • 830-LB, bootch
  • 11-raw veg w/ guac, banana, LB
  • 215p-jerky, Kind Strong bar
  • 415-Renola
  • 715-raw veg w/ guac, toast, wings, LB

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 930p-5a, 78% quality. Mostly solid. 

Healthy Movement: Feeling a little bit fatigued yet, and some right low-back tightness returned even though I'm doing much better mentally. Happy to enjoy a rest day. Still, many hours standing at the tax firm.

Fun & Play: Hubs time. Taxy peeps, including Dan's assurance I can always come work there. Chitchat with SR, BK. Pandora tunes!

Delicious gift coffee from SR, a special roastmaster's blend; when NSS takes me on, I'll supplement the pay cut with barista-ing, an important step toward my latest goal of becoming a complete & total coffee snob.

Friday, February 20

Nutrition: Ugh, I wanted to eat my fists off again this morning, what the hell? Could've been some stressy anger-eating. Hit big lunch & supper meals to stave off any more crashing. Thinking I may want to add more breakfast calories, add a yam or bacon or something.
  • 515a-fried egg sandwich w/ Slawsa, breakfast sausage, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-coffee w/ CM
  • 1030-LB
  • 1145-LB
  • (1245p-6m run)
  • 2-jerky, banana, apple, LB
  • 4-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-Daiya pizza, Arctic Zero, bootch

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 87% quality. Felt a little worse, like I was mostly awake 4a onward, and then sad to see it was 5a rather than 2a.

Healthy Movement: Still feeling fatigued, but a little better than yesterday. Lunch run with the boys went pretty damned good; legs held up just fine and I appreciated flat roads offering actual traction.

Fun & Play: Coworker chitchat. BB chitchat. Bunch of work progress. Running with some besties, (although I was less than chatty, too busy breathing). Great work done at NSS but again wishing I had more time there to help with new stuff and change up some frustrating work-arounds.

Stress Management: The brain dump totally did what it was supposed to do: cleared the junk out to be shelved. Water has been put down. Zero solutions devised, zero problems solved, zero change in the situation, but the brain is calm. EXCELLENT.

Now, about this job stress.

Thursday, February 19

Nutrition: Hangry much of today. Intended to gorge on a pizza at supper, but then by the time I got home, I wasn't hungry for anything. Pretty weird; maybe those fatty ribs finally reached all my cells by then.
  • 6a-eggs, sausage, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1115-LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-ribs w/ pineapple & plum vinegar, rice crackers, Renola, bootch
  • 6-breakfast sausage, toast, apple w/ SB, bit o' bootch

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 9p-545a, 70% quality. Felt a little better than that. Woke at 4a and managed to ignore Hanky, roll over, and fall back. Nice, but still didn't get up feeling as rested as that many hours SHOULD have made me.

Healthy Movement: Encountering the feeling of all-over fatigue again, like zero muscle endurance, no specific soreness or pain points, but everything just MEH. Dustin decided that meant it's time to deload deadlifts, in exchange for killing the pull-ups, which I did! He offered me a bonus 5th set of deadlifts, but although they felt quite a lot better than I expected, I declined, hoping to have something left for a run tomorrow in 20+degrees (woo hoo!). Logged my SA chin-up work before/after class, then after inputting them into Sheets, I decided I'd round up from 81 to 85, and then I decided I'd round all the way up to 100, what the hell. I'm currently 500 pulls ahead of my goal plan. WHOA-LEE SHIT - that's the power of competition right there.

Fun & Play: Chitchat with CR, BK, hubs. FB silliness. Trying to make laughs but feeling extremely MEH today. Session w/ Timmy. Plans to run w/ BK tomorrow (not trails though, dang our busy lives). Great class, after which BL said he is joining us on tomorrow's run. Sweetness! Silly pets at home. Writing.

Stress Management: Fuck my job. I mean, I JUST CAN'T EVEN anymore. Today I learned about a STUPID decision (made back in November) that is the reason my team has been crushed by insane workloads. Like, this could all have been prevented with a little common sense & humility. I want OUT of a place that doesn't value their employees as assets, but as interchangeable, replaceable parts. Unless it's the kind of job that any warm body can do (rare), your goddamn people are goddamn ASSETS and only a fucking idiot doesn't know this. Ergo: I work for idiots. Why am I spending my time and my LIFE in such a place? I know, I know: I keep saying this, but something is going to change this year, I promise you. I can't keep this front up much longer.

Wednesday, February 18

Nutrition: I was goddamn STARVING today, especially after the run in the c-c-c-cold. Like, noticeably wanting to eat everything in the house type of hunger. So I listened & fulfilled it, hoping that's what it needs for happy deadlifts tomorrow!
  • 5a-eggs, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 745-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1015-meat sticks, coffee w/ CM
  • 12p-chef salad, fruit
  • 1-LB
  • 4-LB
  • (430-5.4m trails)
  • 530-LB
  • 6-ribs w/ pineapple, raw veg w/ guac, apple w/ SB, tea w/ honey

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a-, 84% quality. Solid, but when I woke at 430a I was hoping it would only be about 2a. Damn!

Healthy Movement: Stiff & sore in class warm-up. Not bad, but not what I'm used to. Quad soreness from Monday's run is worse, and yet I don't seem to feel anything from squats? Nothing in the usual squat-soreness places. Upper back is slightly tight from bench, but not like I feared it would be when I felt such amazing tension before the 4th rep yesterday. Kept hoping DQ would back out of LCSP-ing because I was fearing the cold, but the cold was no problem at all; however, those sore legs took me DOWN. I had nothing for the hills even though that's where the posterior chain should be kicking in. Possibly all that high-stepping in the snow that shifted the work to the quads. Anyway, it sucked, and DQ let me go short. He was on a rest day anyway - runners are terrible at resting!

Fun & Play: Tough class but tougher participants. Put my head down and got shit DONE this morning. Out to lunch with some coworkers & my lead.* Trails with DQ (though he's no HH). BK chitchat. Hubs chitchat. FB silliness. Loving pets.

Stress Management: *That lunch outing was pleasant enough but felt like a giant waste of time on a day with another 1:45 meeting, BAH. And at that afternoon meeting, it really sank in how little faith I have in our future. That's turning out to be a painful impact for someone who used to adore her work and her company.

Tuesday, February 17

  • 445a-SB&J&honey French toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar
  • 945-Renola + coconut milk + banana combo, coffee w/ CM
  • 1115-Larabar
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple
  • 345-LB
  • 6-raw veg w/ guac, apple w/ SB, bootch

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 9p-430a, 73% quality. Solid, but woke early. Had a leisurely breakfast and went to work early. Decent energy all day.

Healthy Movement: Body feels good, though a bit tired. Session felt a bit rough but still eked out some PRs. Logged SA work in class, felt good.

Fun & Play: Productivity on my work piles. BK chitchat. Session w/ Timmy & Michelle. THE most awesome kickass class. God DAMN do I love those beautiful beasts!

Temperance: I am resisting the urge to fill my schedule this week with suppers out with my peeps, just "because I can" without a hubs to account for my time. Mostly to force myself to do the work of deep thinking, no ability to avoid it with busywork. It's working. It's helping.

Monday, February 16

  • 5-fried egg sandwich w/ summer sausage & mustard, coffee w/ CM
  • 930-meat sticks, Larabar
  • (1145-4.5m run)
  • 1245p-ham, sweet potato, LB
  • 4-LB
  • 630-salad w/ avocado & tomato dressing, toast, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 87% quality. Woke at 230a to toss & turn for a while, but not quite enough to get up.

Healthy Movement: Body feels fairly good. Like I feel myself mentally bracing for a tight back first thing in the morning, but it's not there. Nice! Could feel yesterday's squats in my class warm-up, though, rather fatigued. BK canceled our usual Monday-night LCSP date, made me sad. (Also just plain frustrating that it happens when the hubs isn't home to not-annoy by being out late.) I somehow dug out the motivation to go on a solo road run over lunch, and it was not a disaster. That makes it a victory!

Fun & Play: Class. BK chitchat. A successful run. Work productivity. FB silliness. Quiet home. 

Stress Management: BK chitchat felt a bit melancholy for me, as he is doing so well, and I'm still feeling like mental garbage. Hearing about his weekend felt like hearing a friend describe a kick-ass race while I sit here injured & unable to run: it sounds like they are leaving out some of the bits & pieces, in order to avoid making me feel worse. I don't know that he was hiding anything, but it just felt like maybe yes. Which is probably a sign I'm seriously fucking paranoid.

I began a file into which I can journal all the shit currently smashing around in my head like UPS-truck-sized bumper cars. It feels scary to put any of this in print, even if it's for my eyes only. I'm hoping a ginormous brain dump will allow me to put the water down for a while, so I can get back to enjoying the now. 

Sunday, February 15

  • 545a-eggs, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-SB&CB&J toast, coffee w/ CM
  • (9-lifting session)
  • 11-eggs, ham, potatoes (Trav's)
  • 4-SB&CB&J toast
  • 6-salad w/ tomato dressing, summer sausage w/ rice crackers, macaroon

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 1030p-530a, 83% quality. In late but up at nearly the same time. Makes the weekdays easier, I know, but it sure would be nice to sleep in. On the other hand, Sundays done properly mean nap time: 1-3p today.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great. Logged a lifting session in the basement (with the hubs) that didn't feel easy but also wasn't too bad. I should be celebrating it, though, because usually I do sets of 5 and they were 8s today. Perhaps that's also the reason I didn't have time to deadlift, though I did get my SA chin work done in the afternoon.

Fun & Play: Love notes from besties, including someone who needs to become a bestie. Hubs time while lifting. HB time at Trav's. Snuggly pets. Time to work on Desire Map and write. (Brain dump below!) Talking with hubs about summer plans: take the dogs camping at state parks, where I can run & he can fish.

Temperance: I use an app that gives me a daily awareness practice. I love it, but here's what usually happens: I read it first thing each day, but then it completely ditches my brain. Like, zero awareness beyond 30 seconds. So I'm working on KEEPING it in my brain throughout the day. Today's quote struck me hard enough to prompt some writing, which may be the way to make it stick.
If we did all the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. -Thomas Alva Edison
If we simply acknowledge all that we are currently doing, we would astound ourselves! Assignment: Today, bring some conscious awareness to all that you are currently doing.

So, here is my list of things I am currently doing:
  • Working full time at TS, covering more than one position, which I've been doing for 8 months, now doing so during the busiest time of the year for our team. While I love the people & the immense knowledge I've gained & the culture & the benefits, I hate the exhausting amount of work, the unreasonable time demands, feeling like I should be there 50 hours per week & happy about it, constantly worrying about my team, and feeling conflicted about the business's purpose. I wish I could do less of this.
  • Teaching 4-5 classes per week, which are delightful fun & amazingly fulfilling, but also take me away from my TS desk a solid 3-4 hours when factoring in prep time (clothes, set-up, planning). I wish I could do more of this, a lot more, but do not have the job/time capacity.
  • Working 3-6 hours at NSS, a place I love, want to help grow, and want to be able to spend even more time at, but I do not currently have the capacity to give any more time. I desperately want to get there full-time at some point, but they do not have the capacity for me yet. (A concern for when I do: how do I continue to teach and fill that bucket?)
  • Working all day Saturday at DBB, 8-10 hours, whatever my brain can handle. I love it there. The people are awesome & the work is strangely fulfilling. I know it's weird given how much I bitch & moan, but I honestly wish I could do more of this. I don't want to be there full-time, though, as I don't want to be in Sauk full-time.
  • Lifting heavy 2-3 hours per week, with easy (relatively) short-term goals, ambitious long-term goals, and the relentless desire to get stronger. Not quite enough physical capacity to lift as much as I really want, and running drains my capacity, but with patience & consistency I know I can build a bigger container.
  • Running trails 3 times per week (for now) with my beasties. This I generally have the physical capacity for, though the mental capacity can disappear completely (like lately) which effectively reduces physical capacity.
  • Trying to inspire others to find their fit lifestyle by sharing how much fun lifting & running are to me, trying to convey that they are not things I make myself do, they are things I do for the pure bliss of them.
  • Keeping up deep, deep connections with a handful of besties, holding forth on everything from nature to hermitting in mountains to running to lifting to goals to marriages to jobs to friends to what we want to be when we grow up to societal expectations to body image to family to children to pets to coffee to bacon to health to wellness to the lifelong pursuit of happiness. These conversations refill my bucket in every way, although I've found the effort to connect with some friends & family is not always worth it, and I limit the time I commit to such people, while I fully support & outright devote myself to helping some others. I am continuously creating, shaping, refining my tribe.
  • Keeping tabs on a wide variety of friends who may not be besties, but about whom I still care and want to connect with regularly. 
  • Shedding social conditioning of my brain, specifically in regards to what women are supposed to do, be, think, appear. Fuck that noise. 
  • Reading and writing about topics near & dear to my heart. So damn bucket-filling, and very much missed when I don't have/make the time.
  • Volunteering for Relay, participating in LAPW, doing taxes for a few select peeps, ROUS event planning. Mostly bucket-filling, although I've had to become very strict with myself on deciding how much is too much. Still learning how to say NO every time it isn't FUCK YES (because NO makes the room for YES).
  • Eating nearly 100% Paleo all the time. Draining, but worth it, but draining.
  • Taking care of pets & oil changes & grocery fetching & laundry & dishes & all the aggravating, unfulfilling little necessities of adulthood.
  • Managing every single aspect of our finances. I enjoy it & truly couldn't give it up, but it's a time investment. 
  • Worrying about my marriage & panicking about our/my future. Draining beyond motherfucking belief, especially because I am only talking about it with a couple friends, and haven't felt like I can write about it, because I need to be blunt, and that's going to hurt people, and there are, sadly, thoughts that I feel I cannot share with a single soul. But I suppose I could write in a journal that is NOT for public viewing. You know, like normal people. That might help.
  • Imagining summer shenanigans with my trail peeps, wishing the winter away. Surprisingly draining, because it makes NOW seem so much worse than it is. NOW isn't really all that bad. It's good. It's just not great. And I want great in this life, since it's the only one I've got.

No wonder I'm exhausted!

Oh, and then let me look through this list and hear my cunty internal voice scream at me for essentially having life by the ass, when so many suffer in so many ways. I've got fabulous job opportunities & a great house & financial security, I've got food & my health, I've got beloveds who love me back, I've got pets giving me unconditional love.

Why can't I be happy with all of this? Why must I seek bliss in every aspect of my life?

Because fuck you: why shouldn't I?

Why should I settle? Why should others' judgments of what I have determine whether or not it's enough for me? Because that's what the cunty internal voice is. It's society, it's conditioned mind, it's my family & coworkers & surely even some friends thinking I'd be an idiot if I did all the things that my heart really, truly, madly, deeply, desperately wants.

But am I living for them? Are their good opinions of me going to suffice when it's too late to salvage my life, and I find myself buried up to my eyeballs in regret?


The voice of desire, coming from the depths of my soul, is the only one I must heed.

Saturday, February 14

Nutrition: Didn't have great food options at home today, so I hit the grocery store before taxy work. Got a bunch of raw veg (baby carrots, sugar snap peas, cauliflower flowerets, & baby bells), prepared guac, a few on-sale LBs, summer sausage, & bootch: good great to go! Still needed to visit the gas station for coffee, but that grocery store stock-up was a genius solution, and applies to many other situations/locations.
  • 515-eggs, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 7-Larabar
  • 10-Kind Strong bar, bootch
  • 1115-veg & guac, summer sausage & rice crackers
  • 3p-LB
  • 630-ribs w/ pineapple, sweet potato, macaroons, bootch
Acne: My face is fierce right now. Too many sweets, and the hubs' homemade macaroons will not help me get back to normal. Frustrated with myself, because I know better. Frustrated with my body, because what I mean by "too many sweets" is the sauce on mom's BWCs at the funeral home, a can of Zevia, and a lot of LBs & Kind bars. Not like I'm eating fucking Twinkies or something.

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 945p-5a, 81% quality. In late to due working late and need to wind down afterward (with pizza). Woke naturally, feeling fairly rested.

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent. Slight left core ache, first time all week. Was glad not to be meeting BK for a run, due to tired brain & cold MF-ing windchill, though the body felt up for it. Or at least, it would have felt up for decent trails, not beach-sand trails. Stood all day at tax firm, felt fine. Total energy bonk after the big supper + laziness on couch.

Fun & Play: Tax firm work & tax firm peeps & adorable tax firm grandkids delivering strawberry-flavored Valentine cupcakes. BK chitchat & spreadsheet fun. Silly Valentine texts. Big homemade-with-love supper. Hubs time. Critter cuddles. Utter laziness.

Temperance: And today I received a tangible reminder of why I continue going back to the tax firm and working myself so hard: a paycheck. I'll bring home a total of something like $2500 for this gig, which sets me up with a lotta fun money, a 50% annual bonus beyond my marital allowance*.  I shall be using these funds to pay for things like crewing my ROUSers & BK, and justifying long drives to new trails this summer. Suffer a little bit now, reap the benefits later. True of so much in life.

*That sounds fucked up, so let me explain: hubs & I each keep $200 from our paychecks as fun money: unjustified, spend on whatever you like, no accounting to the other for your purchases. This eliminates almost any conversations (& stress) about where to spend our money. He can spend a night at the bar with buddies, or upgrade the wheels on his motorcycle, or spend a weekend camping at a racetrack; I can go to Trav's or Caribou with my beloveds whenever I want, or buy yet another pair of running shoes, or take a trip to Tahoe to help BK run; and neither of us has any right to question those priorities. I highly recommend it for all relationships, unless you are magically perfectly in sync with your spending choices.

Friday, February 13

Nutrition: Depletion feelings sent me to a giant caloric load o' pizza in an attempt to refeed and regain some energy.
  • 515a-egg, roasted veg, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar
  • 1030-ham hunk, LB
  • (1p-4.5m run)
  • 230-LB
  • 330-LB
  • 445-Kind Strong bar
  • 8-Daiya pizza, Zevia

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 74% quality. Solid but woke at midnight for some reason, then again at 4a & dozed in/out until the coffee smell and Hanky's dancing got me up.

Healthy Movement: Body actually feels great, though energy is a bit low. Some soreness at blood draw location, although I think it's being compounded by the SA decel work during class yesterday, because the left inner elbow is also sore, but less so. Logged a mid-day run in the sun with BK, but oof, it rather sucked. Partly the snow, partly the deadlifts, mostly the brain. Very low energy in afternoon, despite extra coffee.

Fun & Play: BB break time, productivity, sunny trails, BK time, NSS time with my favorites, hubs time, Hanky time.

Stress Management: TS work overload & frustrations. Heavy struggles in my brain, with voices that are cruel, with exhausting conclusions; must shelve in order to rediscover my sanity. Mental tiredness, didn't even want to go to NSS.

Socialization: Nice long break with my BB. Trails and coffee with BK. Silliness with HB & DS at NSS. Hubs.

Natural Environment: Trails today were not lovely; they were tough & mean. But the sunshine felt nice, and the blue sky was beautiful, and the critter tracks were plentiful, and I forgive Mother Nature for the slog.

Thursday, February 12

Nutrition: A hangry day. 
  • 530a-eggs, roasted veg, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 730-meat stick, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar
  • 11-bacon jerky, LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-ham, apple, LB
  • (3-blood donation)
  • 345-raisins
  • 6-salad w/ tomato dressing, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 79% quality. Solid; woke a few times, always right back out. Delicious viewing of the clock at 315a, knowing I could get at least another full cycle.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great, very rested. Session was pretty fucking fantastic. Donated blood as well, and still felt excellent enough afterward to work on SA chin decels. Class warm-up showed me some already-sore muscles. 

Fun & Play: Hubs time in the AM. Made the time to fetch Caribou, and fetched it for Timmy, too. Good meetings (usually an oxymoron). Fun time re-listening to this absolute fucking hilarity (haven't heard it in years) on the way to a fantastic session. Blood donation. Class. Kitty in my lap in front of the TV being lazy. (An awful lot of TV laziness this week.) 

Wednesday, February 11

  • 515a-fried eggs sandwich w/ Slawsa, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar
  • 11-Kind Strong bar
  • 1230p-smoked ham, raw veg
  • 4-meat stick, LB
  • 630-salad w/ avocado & tomato dressing, toast

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, exactly 9p-5a, 87% quality. Woke at 2a and felt alert, checked time, HAPPILY bedded back down. Alarm had to wake me, but I'm glad it was so very solid.

Healthy Movement: Some squat soreness, but not bad. Did some third-world squats in class, lower right back has improved to just-barely-spazzy. HH couldn't run tonight, and while I wanted to go scamper through the woods very badly, I knew I would be horseshit company for myself, so I took YET ANOTHER rest day. Bah.

Fun & Play: Class. HH & BK & hubs chitchat. Lunch kinda sorta with BK, some running talk but not much thanks to work nonsense. Nice chat with CH at the end of the day. Hubs + Hanky + TV time, while working on the floor at home. (I know, but it helps make my Thursday better.)

Temperance: Yesterday at NSS I had a strong moment: I'm saying no to the habit board. It's nothing challenging, it's about improving vegetable intake; but at least now, during wintax season, I have no ability, nor need, to push myself. Survival is hard enough at this time; growth & improvement are challenges for later.

I don't necessarily know that I like a life where 25% of the year, I'm basically a useless worker bee only. I sure wish I'd made time to get all the way through The Desire Map before the end of the year, because I sure don't have time now. But I need to spend time on my life, because the one I'm living is decidedly not the one I want to live.

Tuesday, February 10

  • 615a-fried egg sandwich w/ Slawsa, coffee
  • 815-Larabar
  • 945-meat sticks, LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, Renola w/ toddler pouch
  • 4-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-salad w/ guac, smoked ham

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 930p-6a, 99% quality. Finally SOLID and I couldn't even fully wake up to Hanky's prancing; let the hubs take care of him. Thankful that he did.

Healthy Movement: Body feels okay. Session didn't feel like it would amount to much, especially when my pulls went backward, but I hit two impressive rep PRs and got to ring the sweet new PR bell. (Felt weird.) Little creaky by class time, but still logged some good SA chin work.

Fun & Play: Early morning silliness with BK, plus a short break time that also included AS & PJ chitchat. Sweet messages from a couple friends, one a former coworker and completely out of the blue, a treasure. Lovely session, finally feeling badass again. Fun class. Finally a night of sheer TV laziness, snuggled up on the couch with Clyde.

Stress Management: Last night my cousin M was talking to the hubs about his job search, and he pointed at me and said, "It's like Sabrina always says: if you love your job, it's really not work." I was a bit dumbfounded for a spell, because WOW do I not love my job lately...but oh yeah, I remember that I used to feel that way.

It's been a long goddamn time, though. I don't love what I'm doing since becoming a lead, since July 8, since deadlines started whooshing by, waving middle fingers as they pass. I am CONSTANTLY feeling like I'm not good enough, ever, because no one possibly could be at this rate. It's mind-bogglingly stupid and incredibly frustrating.

And that's why I'm eyeing up NSS so lovingly. I love what I'm doing there enough to bust my ass at TS all week to get there, to rearrange the shit out of my schedule any time I have a weekend thing.

Love. It. 

Want. It. Daily.

Monday, February 9

Nutrition: Starving all morning, sickly guts at noon. Stress. 
  • 445a-eggs, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 730-Larabar
  • 945-meat sticks, cran-blueberry crunch, coffee w/ CM
  • 1230p-cran-blueberry crunch
  • 145-egg, Slawsa, toast, coffee 
  • 5-BWCs, pickles wrapped in ham, bacon jerky, raw veg, bootch

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 81% quality. Solid until Hank began running laps at 415a. GD dog.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling great other than the low-right back a little bit spazzy during class. I do also have a bit of an ache in my left shin, oddly. Rest day due to the wake, but holy goddamn hell I would have done almost anything to have my BK lap in the woods tonight. I need it so badly today, and can't have it.

Fun & Play: SM chitchat. BK break time w/ AS chitchat. HH chitchat. Hubs time.

Socialization: I received a wonderful, amazing, sweet, thoughtful, kind email from a "friend of a friend" type friend. Brought tears, twice. It is literally just five short little sentences, but they made a world of difference on this shitty day in this shitty month. Huge. Reinforces for me the importance of all the little love notes I send.

BK break time included a big ol' brain dump to him that I built up in my head yesterday and decided to just throw at him, in an attempt to explain why I'm such a pain in his ass. The fact that he didn't even flinch at the sheer nonsense of it, nor ask me why the fuck I overthink everything...well, this is why we're friends.

Stress Management: Volunteered myself for more TS work this morning, but my lead immediately then asked what I would be giving up. LOVE HER. And then 20 minutes before leaving for the funeral I got an extensive list of questions on January that made me want to hurl things. Like my fists. Love died some.

And at home, before the wake, my doggy was missing. My little 4-legged bestie discovered his fence isn't working, and had an adventure. If hubs hadn't immediately taken control, I would've given up on life, I swear. Zero capacity left.

The wake. Better than anticipated, but still a long long day. 

Sunday, February 8

  • 715a-fried eggs sandwich w/ Slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • 1045-SB&CB&J toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 1p-veg w/ guac, Larabar 
  • 315-SB&J sandwich, bootch
  • 6-pork chops, baked potato

Sleep: 6.5 hours in bed, 1230a-7a, 61% quality. We got home just after midnight. I'm grateful I was able to get a semi-normal amount of sleep. Still, had an energy tank at noon; tried to fit in a nap. Couldn't. 

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling great. I actually noted with surprise that my left core feels fabulous despite all of yesterday's sitting. Did feel some low-right-back tightness mid-morning, so that + stress prompted me to cut my lifting plan to just bench & pull, but by the time I changed (just past noon), I was so tired that all I did was get myself to 30 pulls. Then I postponed some of my planned work in favor of a nap. Snuggled into bed with the kittehs and THEN I realized I actually didn't have enough time. Fuck. Me. 

Fun & Play: Let me take a second to reiterate that the NSS party was full of good things. I'm done dwelling on the food issues and want to dwell on the gratitude for being invited, for receiving a gift, for being able to play the games, for being a part of that family. I love those people so much. They have changed my life for the better, in every way possible, and more than I can ever properly thank them for. Love love love.

Chitchat w/ LT, BK. Quick tax firm visit.  Supper w/ my old pals SW & KM. 

Stress Management: Tired. And a long, draining day coming tomorrow. I'm glad I was able to shift my to-do list to accommodate a mental recovery day. I'm glad I was smart enough to do it instead of forcing it, my norm.

Supper w/ the girls felt a lot like hanging with Hop: we have nothing in common anymore, except our past & our love. Some days that's enough, some days it's not. And it's all because of me and how much I've changed, all my fault. 

Temperance: Today I am battling the internal cunt. I am working on replacing her with my friends. It is a challenge, but hey, my besties are motherfucking sorcerers (I couldn't possibly be any luckier in that regard) and it's the only way to override her. 

Read a great analogy today: some people are orchids, some are dandelions. Some of us have a very narrow environment in which we can survive, while some of us will thrive after the goddamn apocalypse. Guess which one I am?

Saturday, February 7

  • 4a-fried eggs sandwich w/ slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • (530-7m trails)
  • 930-fried egg sandwich w/ slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • 1145-cran-blueberry crunch
  • 4p-Larabar
  • 7?-veg w/ guac, Kind Strong bar
  • 9?-pork jerky

Sleep: 7 hours in bed 845p-345a, 79% quality. Woke a few times; woke naturally just before the alarm. Squeezed in a half-nap, about 8-915a; woke by a malfunctioning sump noise, so I didn't quite get a full cycle, ugh. I needed it.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling good physically. Logged a decent-feeling lap with Brian, although I did have to walk a couple hills, and I just wasn't a very good companion. I'm so very tired of being a whiner, and yet so very tired that I can't stop.

Fun & Play: Morning trails with my bestie. Hubs time. NSS party: painting fun with the girls, a visit with The Mitz, Cards against Humanity hilarity (right up my alley), JibJab silliness that included me, hanging with my favoritest meatheads, wonderfully generous amazing praise from Dustin, feeling like part of the NSS family. Lots of love for those peeps. All the love.

Stress Management: Life. Tiredness. BK pointed out something insightful on our run: my TS work is nothing like it was during any other tax season, since we never had July 8 any other tax season. Given that I'm doing like 3 jobs there, I shouldn't expect so much left over for my other jobs. This makes sense. There is also nothing I can do about it at this point. Nearly had a full-on breakdown in the LCSP parking lot, had to let BK leave and spend some time getting my brain back under control. At the NSS party, I felt like an outcast at painting, like I didn't fit in. Plus I'm not fond of my painting, bleah. Massive food-based suckiness (below). Every time I picked up my phone today, I used my new lock code, which I changed because hubs, which washed a dose of sad over me every time.

Temperance: The snacks at Dawn's house was cheese & crackers. The wing competition was boneless breaded wings; I had figured normal wings and eating just the sauce we'd brought, which the hubs had found specifically for me. CJ's wife made a salad that was everything-free but included wheat berries (what the fuck is that even?!) and she apologized, but I was told "Oh gosh, if you could eat this you'd love it," as if that would somehow make me feel better? HB was the only one who brought something I could eat, but she never put it out. 

These are minor problems. But they are my everyday life, always, everywhere, and it gets fucking OLD. I don't expect people to accommodate my every issue, but can they at least THINK about me? Let me know I shouldn't expect to eat anything being provided? I could have brought my own wings & took our sauce, and semi-fit in. And the fact that no one seemed apologetic, at all, besides CJ, hurt. Like they have no awareness that it creates that left-out "other" feeling, okay fine, you're amazing but you're still boys, and you think I choose to eat this way; but what the fuck did they think I was going to eat?

So, I got a belly filled with veg & guac, and some stuff I brought myself. I hate this. I hate being other. I hate being left out. When I went outside to my car to fetch some of my snacks, I nearly cried in frustration at all of it. I didn't really want to go back in, I was feeling so low; the silent outdoors felt more welcoming. As part of of the white-elephant game, I took my own two "good" gifts back so I could have some damned meat (one of mine was pork jerky, bacon jerky, & pork rinds!) and that started to put my brain back on straight so I could enjoy my night.

But here's why it's under "temperance": this is a problem of ME not asking for what I need. This is me not wanting to be demanding or bossy. This is me fearing to speak up. This is me just wanting people to read my mind and remember me on their list of 1000 other things to remember. So it's my own fault, I'm the idiot here.

Friday, February 6

Nutrition: Went for giant dose of supper calories again. So tired.
  • 5a-fried egg sandwich w/ Slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • 915-Renola w/ CM, coffee w/ CM
  • 1215-tuna w/ mustard & rice crackers, apple
  • 145-Larabar
  • 330-bacon jerky
  • 445-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-Daiya pizza, bootch 

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 72% quality. Woke constantly; pretty sure I saw 130a, 330a, 4a, BLECH. Monkey mind stress bullshit. The 130a wakeup felt like it was a cortisol shot, like not enough calorie intake yesterday, but I was too tired to rise.

Healthy Movement: Body is just a wee bit sore from deadlifts. Impressive. Well, then I did my class warm-up and felt quite a bit more sore than I realized, but all a good sore; no aches, just tightness where it belongs and a slight all-over fatigue that is still much better than prior weeks.

Fun & Play: Chitchat with hubs, BB, BK, HH. Fun class. Productivity. Nice afternoon at NSS. Laziness at home. Small dose of hubs time.

Stress Management: Overworked, overcommitted, overstressed, underslept. I'm such a goddamn idiot. Yesterday I was able to cope with whatever came my way, but today, not so much. I am overwhelmed by my workload at a time that my real life is in dire need of extra attention, and so I am suffering. I did what I could at TS and then I left at my usual early Friday time. Refused to stay late and had zero fucks to give about it. As I walked to Pepe I started to calculate the hours I worked there this week, and I stopped the calculating with this answer: a lifetime. I feel like I've worked a motherfucking lifetime this week. And I haven't, not really, but when factoring in my workouts and stress, I am maxing myself out to my limits. My energy level was pretty low at NSS but I held it together, and was boosted by bonus Dustin time. But still walked out dragging.

48 hours at TS, plus 4 hours at NSS. In five days. Plus 4.5 hours of workouts plus Grandpa plus hubs issues, plus I am a delicate flower to start with, and Jesus Aitch Fucking Christ Sabrina, what do you expect? You're guaranteeing to feel like shit, yo. And what if I had to work Saturday as well instead of finally having a day off? Why am I doing this to myself?

Thursday, February 5

Nutrition: All The Coffeez.
  • 515a-eggs, bacon, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 845-Larabar
  • 945-toast w/ CB
  • 11-LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-tuna w/ mustard & rice crackers, LB
  • 545-jerky
  • 7-salad w/ avocado, toast

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 10p-5a, 79% quality. Woke several times but always fell back.

Healthy Movement: Body feels okay. Fatigued overall, though no specifics. Session was somehow fantastic? Helped that I didn't tell Dustin about Grandpa until the end. I just didn't want to think about any of it or talk about it or create any openings for tears. After my class I worked on SA chins, and I can do FOUR wrist-assisted chins, even on the weak left side, WOO HOO! I also once again bled in class, cracked skin, GAH.

Fun & Play: BK break time. LT chitchat. BL chitchat. Session with Dustin. Fewer tech issues at work meant shit actually got done, kinda mostly: still behind. Super awesome class.

Stress Management: Grandpa passed last night. Instead of feeling sadness & loss, I just feel overwhelmed in trying to fit a wake and funeral into my schedule. Thus: feeling as though I am an asshole. Also, a cousin posted the news on FB, and that's how I learned at 5a (since my dad kindly didn't call until 545a), and I couldn't stop myself from mentioning that he might want to wait 12 hours next time, so family doesn't learn via FB. It kind of made me feel jerky to say anything, but seriously, dude, think a little.

Chance that the funeral service will be on Saturday. Day of the NSS xmas party. You've GOT to be kidding me. If February is THAT much of a motherfucking cuntstick I will absolutely fall into pieces.

Like, seriously: month-end close week, of January, with the same painfully-tight deadlines, plus let's add time spent working through technology issues that ate up at least a day; oh, how about a product recall; week 6 of three jobs; marital stress; Grandpa into hospice; poor sleep because of all of this; Grandpa dies and now I will have a wake/funeral that might be on the day of something I've been wanting to be invited to for YEARS...what else, universe? WHAT. THE. FUCK. ELSE.

Happily, after all that bitching & worrying, the wake is on Monday. No missing the party.

Personal Growth: I just thought up the ideal transition to NSS. What if I stepped down as a lead, and even left the Finance team, to be a PT Well Manager, and then worked PT at NSS until it became FT? I move my accounting love to there, I keep my group-fitness love here. Which is plenty ironic, but would be pretty perfect. Of course, that kicks someone else out of Well-managing, which is not nice, or even likely. But I can dream, no?

Wednesday, February 4

Nutrition: Experimented on a new food combo today, and it is HEAVEN: Renola + banana slices + warmed coconut milk = like oatmeal, but better. So much better. Also, very filling. Was barely even hungry by noon with my BB, which is very unusual for me. However, three Larabars in one day, yep, damn right. GAH.

No supper. Post-run, visited Grandpa in hospice, and got home at 830p. Was hungry but just could not care.
  • 5a-fried egg sandwich w/ bacon & Slawsa, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar
  • 930-heaven, coffee w/ CM
  • 12p-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, LB
  • 3-LB
  • (515-7m trails)
  • 630-Kind Strong bar

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 930p-445a, 82% quality. Woke often 130a onward. Monkey mind nonsense.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great. Avoided third-world squats in class today, just did the warm-up and then turned into coach & cheerleader. Run with Heidi was slow due to slippery footing and All The Talking. 'Twas lovely and perfect and I think I'm done thinking for a few months.

Fun & Play: Class was awesome: again used the bumper plates, again people going for heavier harder sets, and DAMN my bucket gets filled to overflowing from this. If I worked FT at NSS, how would I replace that feeling?

Got up in a great mood, somehow. Fabulous hair day helped a little. Fun coworker chitchat. Break time with BK to prop him back up a little. Lunch time with BB to hear about her family crisis. There are too many fucking crises lately for all of us.

Nice emails from NSS boys, regarding mine, and at about the response I was hoping for. Yay!

Seriously high workload-stress at TS, but fully capable of handling it today. Thankful for that. (FB silliness and serious swearing also helped.)

Stress Management: Visited Grandpa in hospice after the run. Parents & favorite cousin were there; it got late; I was so tired and not very chatty. I got home late and crashed into bed late and wish I was capable of handling this.

Tuesday, February 3

  • 515a-eggs, bacon, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 945-orange, coconut butter on toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 1130-LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, LB
  • 415-Renola
  • 7-salad w avocado, toast

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 88% quality. Woke a few times, dozed about 430a onward. Could definitely have used more.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great. Low back significantly better today. Fantabulous session with squat rep PR, bench rep PR, and pulls returning to near-PR levels. Bitchez!

Fun & Play: FB silliness. Super fun class: two newbies; new bumper plates & new KB; no one went for the 80# KB when they could deadlift 95# on the trapbar instead; BL requested more weight on his second deadlift set; I let a 50-something coworker jump in to do pull-ups and use the trapbar and admired her kickass alligator crawls...the motherfucking LOVE of my life today, that class!

Stress Management: Sticking to my "decision" theory (which is essentially the same as the "put the glass down" theory) and the brain is doing well. Still stupid tech issues making work suck, but today I was able to handle the setbacks and remain ME.

Monday, February 2

Nutrition: I wasn't hungry for supper? I must be dying?
  • 515-fried egg sandwich w/ bacon & Slawsa, coffee w/ CM
  • 745-Larabar
  • 10-LB, jerky
  • 1230p-tuna w mustard on toast, orange, Renola
  • 330-LB #3, yep
  • (530-7m trails)
  • 7-Kind Strong bar

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 94% quality. Solid but woke at 3a to the rest of the house being up (hubs leaving for trucking again), and was shitty after that. Alarm had to wake me and it felt impossible that it should be 5a already.

Healthy Movement: Lower right back was a bit crank right away. I don't fucking know what its problem is, but STOP IT! Happily, standing was good for it. No class warm-up, because no class.

Lovely run with BK & DQ. Body felt great; was hoping to be impressed by my time again, but it was back to the ol' winter standard. I'll blame the slowdown on waiting for DQ to catch up to us. Hip did ache a touch toward the end, kicked in somewhere around mile 6, but it really wasn't bad.

Fun & Play: Texts and IMs with my besties to cheer me up. Lunch with BK & chitchat with assorted DC peeps. Trail time.

Stress Management: No one showed up for class. I guess this is kind of the nature of group fitness to happen now & then, but this is not my normal job; I effectively don't get paid for this time because it's not like I now only have 36 weekly hours of Finance work. So I shall be exchanging numbers so everyone can just text me if they won't show. Then I'll know if I can sleep the fuck in and catch up a little on my brain state.

Which, today, is bad. I left home feeling great, delighted by the clear sky's bright stars & big beautiful moon, and looking forward to a run in both at the end of the long work day, for which I felt mentally prepared.

And then one little thing went wrong and boom, I'm near collapse again.

And then technologically speaking, shit went wrong All. Day. Long. I spent at least three hours doing stuff that got me nowhere. Pure wasted time. On DAY ONE of JANUARY close, already a fuckton of extra work and the same too-tight deadlines. I wanted to go find a hidey hole and leave only at running time.

Oh, and brain would not Shut The Fuck Up for anything. It just wouldn't quit chasing circles, pure maniacal monkey-mind fashion.

Definitely tired, yes.

But mostly: definitely need to stop thinking.

So just after lunch, again finding myself sitting & thinking & stressing for the 100th time today, I made a decision. I have decided that, in the one area that is super-mega-ultra-stressing my brain I'm just going to assume the worst-case scenario will happen, thus no need to worry about what MIGHT happen. Just, the worst. Okay, but it will not happen now, so there is no need to dwell on it now. Shelve it for now, and trust that when action needs to be taken, I will be strong enough to handle it. And so, decision made, stop thinking about it, stop fearing it, just go on with life. It got me through the day, let me return my focus to my massive workpile. And then BK & I chatted about it post-run, and I sorta fell apart again, getting lost in the worry.

And again I came back to that same decision of shelving it. It's the best I can do right now.

Sunday, February 1

Nutrition: Trav's was out of breakfast potatoes today. A TRAVESTY. I ordered hash browns instead, but I should have just skipped them. Pretty sure I will pay for that by Wednesday; maybe next time I'll be smart enough to just do the eggs & ham.
  • 615a-eggs, bacon, sweet potatoes, coffee w CM
  • (9-lifting)
  • 11-pork jerky, Larabar
  • 115-eggs, ham, hash browns
  • 415-LB
  • 7-peas & pork rinds w salsa, apple w SB, chia bootch

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 945p-6a, 97% quality. Woke several times, but always back easily. Low energy around lunch time.

Healthy Movement: Got up with a body that felt great; no ghost-niggles, woo hoo! However, the right lower back had a little freakout during the squat set of my lifting session. Similar to what it did last Saturday post-run during yoga, but at about 1/3 of that spaz level. Just to the point of needing to do slow moving, twisting, stretching, show it everything is just fine & there's no need to lock up on me, let's go, we've got more work to do - and it let me. Concerning, but now I'm going to rest for well over 24 hours, so we'll see. It flared back up here and there throughout the day. Should've stood at NSS, but I was tired & lazy. Low energy hit me around noon or so.

Fun & Play: FB silliness. Solid lifting. NSS work, an insanely productive and accomplished day. SO many emails sent and so many bows tied up. Still, not enough; some big things I just do not have time to tackle, and it hurts my heart. Lunch with BK again. Therapy talk with him on NSS work, failure, rejection, awful voices in heads; helpful, actually. Hubs time. Snuggly pet time.



I was lost in this quote all day long, and it had nothing to do with running (other than how badly I want beautiful green life & soft dirt trails in bright sunshine & the happiness that always goes with them) and everything to do with every other facet of my life.

I feel like I've been settling in many, many ways.

I don't know if I will be brave enough to change any of it.