Thursday, January 22

Nutrition: Interesting observation today: MK made two kinds of healthy chocolate cake (that I could eat) for the team, and had me try one; she talked through the recipes and about some others she didn't make, etc. I took a piece and it was tasty, but...I didn't really care. I would've been fine if she hadn't made it. I didn't want the recipe for either one, I didn't care about trying them. I just...didn't care. Zero craving for the sweet treat whatsoever. More of THAT mentality, please!
  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar
  • 1030-jerky, toast
  • 11-paleo chocolate cake
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-ham sticks, apple, Larabar
  • 4-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-eggs, ham, potatoes, decaf (Trav's!)

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 86% quality. Better; don't remember waking up at all.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good. None of the niggles. Session was TOUGH and I suspect that I may hate Dustin on Saturday morning. SO MANY DEADLIFTS.

Fun & Play: PJ chitchat. LT chitchat about marriage, yo. BK chitchat about god, people expect me to work? What? Why? I don't wanna!! AP chitchat about lifting and the brain vs body and OMG I love it. BB chitchat. Leaving TS early! Good session. NSS peeps. Fun class (on PTO, I came back & taught my class because it's fun, not work!!). HB supper at Trav's.

Stress Management: Working on things in my brain.

Feel annoyed about keeping the hubs informed as to when I will be home: I struggle with this so much. I am a grown-ass independent woman and I don't need someone's permission to go running in the woods. But I'm not asking for it, and he's not giving it; it's just nice for him to know when I'll be home. So it's a courtesy. But for some reason I see it as "checking in" to get permission, and that chaps my rough little feminist hide to such a degree that I am blazing hot about it. Trying to remind myself: courtesy. That's all it is. Calm your shit.

Feel guilty that I need so much ME time: My brain is telling me I'm selfish for wanting to spend so much time working, teaching, running, lifting, yoga-ing, volunteering - all of which time is spent not-husband-ing. But I need to do them, more than I need any one single person: yes, even him. Doing these things has turned me into the person I want to be. I like myself about 8 bajillion times more than I ever did in my first 30 years. And so I refuse to change; I refuse to dislike myself again. I will be living the rest of my life with that voice in my head, and I need her to be kind & proud & loving - not a critical cunt. And so, if the hubs, or my friends, or my family, dislikes that, it's just too bad. But I shall not change. It's not selfish to do what it takes to love myself. But...I can find some compromises in my ME time.

I made a tiny little effort today by culling a bunch of FB friends that I won't miss. Still have room to reduce the crap I'm seeing on my feed, but it's a start that means less time spent on FB. Also thinking maybe we have a regular "date night" that involves making supper together. (I know, right? I am SO EXCITING.)

Temperance: In the spirit of giving fewer fucks about shit that does not matter, I've decided that I'm done with eyeshadow. I eliminated both eyeliner and nail polish about a year ago, and haven't missed them even a little bit. It took a while to get used to how I looked without the eyeliner, but we're talking a week, tops. And I immediately got used to the time I saved!

So, next up: I'm calling eyeshadow a stupid fucking time-waster. I guarantee that no one else cares whether I wear it or not, so why should I? Some people will notice it's gone, but I'm positive no one will care

Although, I am telling you, the first asshole to comment that I "look tired" is going to see me pull this out and silently write in it, giving them the stink-eye as I do:

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