Saturday, January 24

  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM, Larabar
  • (630-7m trails)
  • 8-Larabar, coffee
  • (830-yoga)
  • 10-SB&J toast
  • 130p-iceberg, tomato, cukes, deli lunch meat, can Zevia
  • 3-chili pistachios
  • 530-Larabar
  • 7-pork roast & fried plantains w balsamic, fruit 

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 86% quality. Lots of tossing & turning according to the graph, but I don't recall. I woke & dozed around 4a. Alarm buzzed to get me up in time to run. I truly should have shut it off and stayed in bed. Spent the day very, very tired. Tears level of exhaustion was achieved. Napped for an hour, 4-5p.

Healthy Movement: Body did as expected on the "usual" trail run, which is to say that it was hard since I'm currently a meathead, not a runner, but I managed to finish feeling decent. At yoga afterward, we began some good, thorough low-back stretching, and mine Freaked The Fuck Out. It nearly seized up coming into a standing position. I suspect that post-run, when I got cold & shivering, it tightened up, and I should have eased very, very slowly into stretching it. So I did that when it freaked out, ignoring the video & doing gentle, slow, mild stretches in various positions. I nearly began crying with frustration that it should be so sensitive, but I held it together, barely. By the finish it was feeling normal again, but I was thoroughly exhausted.

Entire lower body ached like a motherfucker for the rest of the day. Rode in a car for 1.5 hours, got out with an aching left core & glute. Sat on the floor for about an hour, laid on it, stretched here & there, continued to feel awful. Felt better when I could stand or sit, so I did that. Another 1.5 hours back home, nearly falling asleep, and again felt rotten after that. Ache ache ache.

Solution? More sleep. I don't care if I start going to bed at 8pm, this body needs more recovery than it's getting. No more extra stress[, husband!]. I have the ability to live in a sty of a house without it bothering me, so I need to find more similar fucks to stop giving. I can start with moderating my work hours a little; fuck 'em if I start missing deadlines, it's their own goddamn fault. It's not going to benefit my employer(s) if I kill myself. I can also let down my friends if a planned running date is going to make me worse, not better. That might be enough?

Fun & Play: Trails with friends. A beautiful sunrise. Texts with my truest besties, BB, BK, & LT, letting them know how much I miss chatting with them. Time with the in-laws. Household-wide napping. Hubs time.

Stress Management: On the drive to LCSP this morning, tired and emotional, I began to cry as it sank in: I miss my friends so motherfucking much. It is 100% goddamn clear to me how much interaction I need on a regular daily basis, and how that need becomes life-saving when I'm stressed. This was one of the worst weeks ever, and the hubs wasn't enough since he was part of the problem; I only got a half hour of BK early on, nothing later as we both seemed to lay low & avoid each other (and that certainly added to the stress beatdown); I got a ten-minute dose of Timmy post-official-meeting; I got a few texts with my BB. I did get supper with HB, but not until I was already exhausted. None of that was enough to help me calm down and work through the mental stress of the week.

It's not like I wanted a bunch of coffee dates or suppers out because that would have added commitments (of which I already have far, far too many). I think this is precisely why the constant back & forth with BK is so perfect: tiny blips of delight that take tiny bits of time, done at my convenience. Or being able to talk with BK or HH on a run - I'm already going to run anyway so it's not an additional commitment, just an enhanced one. (That said, I didn't even get to bring it up with HH today, because even though I would've been fine to share with DQ as well, I was working too damned hard just. to. breathe.)

So that's why I texted all of my besties to work on re-solidifying the convos, and I shall let the hubs know why I need this much texting interaction: he is not enough. No one is. I need the help of all of my people, all of the damn time, and he has to accept that. Otherwise he gets the messy crying heap I became today, and neither of us wants that.

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