Monday, January 19

Nutrition: Stress eating cravings felt hourly. Anger-making!
  • 445a-eggs, chicken sausage, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-coffee w/ CM
  • 930-two ham sticks, apple, coffee w/ CM
  • 1130-Larabar
  • 1230p-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, Halos, macadamia nuts
  • 3-Renola
  • (530-7m trail run)
  • 715-salad, brat, chia bootch

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 8p-430a, 95% quality. Not that great, given the first half hour was spent talking to the hubs, and the next half hour was spent thinking about what he did. But after that, damned solid. Hanky woke me at 4a; tried to ignore him, couldn't fall back, gave up.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good. However, it does not like extended time in a third-world squat: lower back freaks out a little after doing it (I was doing in class). Wonder if that's a sign to do it MORE or just at a different TIME (ie, ease into stretching it, not just jump into full flex). After work, hit the trails with ROUSer peeps, and it felt much harder than it should have for the pace. Ugh. I really wanted an easy-peasy blissed-out pagan-nature-worship kind of run, but I didn't get it. Was able to just lock in behind the boys and listen to their chatter and shut down my brain, which helped some. Just not enough.

Fun & Play: Class. Lunch w/ BK to talk through the shit below. Trails with my ROUSers.

Stress Management: Still feeling rather conflicted...look out, brain vomit ahead! Yep, this is shit I probably shouldn't put on the interwebz, but I am an open book, and I intend to remain that way.

BK & I began to become great friends last spring-ish. He hearts trails even more than me, he's an amazing runner, he showed me the magic of race volunteering, he introduced me to a great fun group of trail peeps, he shifted my range of "normal" in terms of running distances, he is a delight to crew for, we talk recovery & nutrition & training & gear & data & coffee on a regular basis. He is my fellow Trail Nerd! He GETS IT that I simply can't live without trails. (Can not, will not.) We text back and forth all the time like teenagers. It's odd, because I don't really do that with anyone else. But if my BB was that much of a texter, I'm certain I'd chat as much with her. Same with the hubs. I love to talk to my people!

Early summer-ish or so, I spent many hours contemplating whether or not it was "okay" to be such close friends with a dude. Not just a dude, but a SINGLE dude, while I'm a married woman. Sometimes it felt weird for us to talk so much, or go running so often, or go get coffee together, or go camping & volunteering up north for a weekend, just the two of us.

But here's where I landed: it's absolute bullshit to consider backing away from this friendship simply because we are of the opposite sex and society finds it suspicious. With every fiber of my being, I hate expectations & rules that exist solely to please the patriarchy & maintain the status quo, when it wouldn't hurt a goddamn thing to flout them. I opt out of such bullshit; thanks but no thanks fuck off.

So I thumbed my nose at society and doubled down on our friendship - and I couldn't possibly be more grateful that I did. So many of my friends are busy with their kids, or don't run, or BOTH, and BK's nearly-unlimited availability was instrumental in helping me to rediscover my love of running, and thus my love of ME, this fall. For that alone, I will not let him go for anything or anyone.

Plus, I like spending time with BK. Period. Why the hell would I change that simply because others will judge? Fuck others! They can go right ahead & judge, & assume "there must be something more going on," but I'll be over here, running in the woods with my bestie, not giving a flying fuck about his male gender status nor what those judgers think is going on. Let them be miserable; I'm not.

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

And while I've landed in this camp firmly enough to be ready to defend this friendship with every bit of my considerable hulk strength, I do understand that others may not have come that far yet. I do understand that those who matter might mind a bit initially, but I believe they will come around as it continues to be obvious this is nothing more than friendship.

I'm trying to be patient & understanding for those folks. Yet it's not at all in my nature to gently hold their hand and walk them over to this camp.

It is entirely in my nature to say "Get over here, or go fuck off," and not waste a second of my time worrying about which direction they'll follow. If they matter, they'll get here. If they don't, I shall not miss them.

Now, to the point, finally, of the stress for me: that person who needs the hand-holding is my FAVORITE person, aka the hubs, when I thought he had already figured allathis out months ago...hence, Beans shall struggle. Big time. Include hubs feeling suspicious enough to read said texts with BK, and Beans shall hurt. Big time. Include the hubs feeling hurt by just how much BK & I chat, and Beans shall feel guilty for not being a better wife. And then angry that she always sinks back into self-blame. I was better last night, but time to think has meant time to stew has meant I'm worser by the hour.

Cranky & combative, yet sad & hurt...unsettled, to say the least. I am a messy little bean pile today.

Luckily, I had BK himself to talk about it with, which helped some. Yes, that was my solution, and it makes perfect sense to me that it would be. Is he not the only one who is also positive that nothing is going on, and yet also aware just how much we talk, and just how that might look? And is he not one of my very favorite peeps? It was that or increase the chances of blowing up with anger at the hubs. I did not want that option.

By the time I was heading home, I was fully dreading it. I didn't want to go home. Or anywhere. I simply didn't want to deal. But I did deal, and the hubs & I talked, and it turns out, as OF COURSE IT WOULD, that very little of his actions had a GD thing to do with me or BK, and everything to do with his own brain state. (Nothing others do is because of you.) So I spent all day feeling that same old state of anger at the "who I can/can't be friends with" bullshit, and that had essentially nothing to do with it.

But the GIANT cloud part of this silver lining? I can't much help the hubs. He needs to work through his own brain state mostly solo. Although we did talk about the sad fact that we have so little in common now. That piece I can try to figure out how to impact. But I've been mulling that over for at least a year myself, and still haven't found a solution.

/brain vomit (for today at least)

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