Saturday, January 31

Nutrition: All felt perfectly reasonable. Forgot my sausage at the tax firm, though - and I'm not back for two more weeks, GAH.
  • 430a-fried egg on toast w/ Slawsa & bacon, coffee w/ CM
  • (6-7m trail run)
  • 715-toddler squeeze pack, Larabar
  • 930-LB
  • 12p-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple, LB
  • 315-pork jerky, bacon jerky
  • 630-Renola
  • 730-wings, sweet potato hash, chia bootch

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 915p-415a, 81% quality. Woke often for some reason. Bleah.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling great. Dashed up the hill for the potty pre-run, and it was as easy as flat, so I knew it was gonna feel good! However, the speed demons I ran with made it tough on me, doing the loop faster than it gets done in the fall daylight without icy patches. Hills felt awesome, I stormed up those bitches like nothing, until the last couple miles when I really lost steam. No ability to chitchat, but I didn't miss it. Happily, I also wasn't up in my head, other than the usual thoughts of past conversations I've had at various locales throughout the park with my beloveds. I just loved the run and let it love me back.

Major energy tank on the drive to DBB, but a change of clothes, a whore's bath, a cute easy updo, and COFFEE turned me around. Stood all day, other than sitting to sort through stuff here & there. Energy levels continued to feel great, but: slight left-hip stiffness from the run/car, went away; deep left-glute ache, faded somewhat; weirdness there when balancing on left foot; slight pulling when balancing on RIGHT foot as well. Hmm.

Fun & Play: Beasties on the trails. Chitchat with the absent bestie. Chitchat with my meathead to set up a Sunday lifting date. Another messy QB file to deep-dive into and fix up all purty-like: yes, I love that. Hubs whipped up his second wing-sauce attempt.

Stress Management / Temperance: I'm still struggling some along the lines of last week's stress, feeling guilty about hubs time, or lack thereof. I want to spend time out doing my things, and I'd like him to just come with, rather than me doing fewer things so that I can sit at home with him. I'm selfishly wishing he would just change to fit in with me, and at the same time I'm feeling bad for changing so much, and yet I do not feel bad at all. Guilty for talking to others so much & so easily, and then having nothing to say to him. I don't know. Same old shit bouncing around in my head.

Friday, January 30

Nutrition: Not ravenous from deadlifts like I was last week. Didn't even want to finish the pork jerky, what?
  • 5a-eggs, bacon, Slawsa, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 845-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1115-Renola
  • 1230p-eggs, ham, potatoes, moar coffeez
  • 330-LB
  • 5-pork jerky
  • 7-LB
  • 8-apple w/ SB, bootch

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 86% quality. Pretty sound until 330a, in/out after that. Nearly got up at 4a, but was able to keep dozing.

Healthy Movement: NO ghostly stress-niggles getting out of bed. WOO HOO! Still taking a rest day. Light soreness in back muscles from deadlifts, WOO HOO!

Fun & Play: FB silliness including playing with ANOTHER runner's spreadsheet and getting more ideas for BK's. I am SUCH a nerd. Relatively productive at work, considering it was a Friday and I totally didn't want to be there, but not at all near as productive as needed, given my to-do list. God. Ugh. Lunch with BK that I didn't really have time for, but made it, and was glad I did, had a good talk. Also saw two people from work so hey, maybe started some fun rumors? Bah. Logged my 800th pull for the year and turned it into a little silliness on FB.

Stress Management: Afternoon at NSS was packed full of work though not people. Dustin popped in to lift but that was it. Long day and not enough time so I'll be back in Sunday. So I emailed them that, and it devolved into brain dump of why they need to start thinking about hiring me FT. Risky, scary, but I have to get it out to them and open up the channel. Worst case they say that they agree but don't want me, and I have more time on my hands. Best case I am able to formulate a long-term timeframe to transition to my dream job. 

Thursday, January 29

Nutrition:
  • 545a-fried egg sandwich w/ bacon, mustard, & Slawsa, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar
  • 930-meat stick, grapefruit, coffee w/ CM
  • 1130-LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-tuna w/ mustard, toast, apple, Kind Strong bar
  • 345-Renola
  • 6-Cobb salad, decaf coffee

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 89% quality. In late because I was playing with the BK spreadsheet while I stretched which led to a LOT more than 5 minutes of formula testing, and then frustrating dreams of charts!

Healthy Movement: Body a bit fatigued; some tight lower legs & sore feet straight outta bed, but all improved as I moved. Still, I backed out of tomorrow's running date with BK. Already piling on miles (in tax/lifting season terms, anyway) and would like to keep things on the upswing, not get overly ambitious just because I feel so amazing compared to last week's beatdown. Session went great; body was all good & pulls are coming back some. Fun to be able to notice the very bright, but very little, signs of improvement, like a speedy crawl or perfect TGU form. Slightly reduced deadlift reps compared to last week, but increased the weight; honestly felt like I still could've nailed 8 reps but I did NOT want to pay the high price for them in terms of energy levels. Given that I still felt some of those ghost-pain stress-niggles, I don't want to go balls-out quite yet.

Fun & Play: BK spreadsheet updates first off - a smarter time to play with them. A LOT smarter, because I figured out my formula workaround in no time! Much coworker silliness. Break time with BK to discuss spreadsheets & Zumbro, plus chitchat with AS on bench press foolishness. Fun session, including silliness with Timmy. Work productivity. Delightful class, followed by MORE chitchat with AS on his programming - gonna turn that boy into a focused, strong-ass meathead.

Finally, supper with my BB at my favorite restaurant. Hours of talk, and hours more that we could've. Love love love. ALL the love.

Wednesday, January 28

Nutrition: Easy day again. Yay!
  • 515a-fried egg sandwich w/ bacon & mustard, coffee w/ CM
  • 830-Larabar
  • 945-meat stick, orange, coffee w/ CM
  • 12p-tuna w/ mustard & rice crackers, apple
  • 130-LB
  • 330-Renola
  • (530-7m run)
  • 7-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, SB&J toast, tea w/ CM

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 98% quality. Uh, no. At least an hour before I fell asleep, woke at 330a when the hubs was leaving, though fairly solid otherwise. More like 85-90%.

Healthy Movement: Felt typical squat soreness in class warm-up, though nothing from bench. Do still have a slightly-shifty low back, it simply does not like full-on stretches. Still carrying stress there, possibly. Had a fabulous run with Heidi, although the body didn't love it as much as the brain. Nice long PT stretch in the eve.

Fun & Play: A silver lining to the hubs being gone is making noise in the morning. Some days, pure silence is 100% vital, but some day (like today), it's a delight to listen to Amy Poehler's audiobook. Productive workday. Lunch with Timmy! Chitchat with BK & AS & PJ (all my DC peeps!), FB silliness, emails with my BB. Extra chitchat with BK about the spreadsheet I made for running-related data, the charts & graphs & fun, oh my!

Had THE most wonderful run with HH tonight. We covered all issues related to marriage & relationships & running & ROUSing & false personas & vulnerability & surface-relationships vs real-and-true deep-love soul-sharing relationships & finding what you love & the voices in our heads & how vital it is to take care of ourselves. We reiterated & reinforced over & over, in so many ways, that it is not selfish to fill our own buckets first; they are what allow us to continually pour ourselves back out to our beloveds. I can't even count how many hugs we shared at the end. It was pure love. Exactly what I needed. We have determined that this shall be a weekly outing, and while we will open our invites to others, we will both secretly hope no one else can ever make it.

Tuesday, January 27

Nutrition: Cripes, I need to lay off the Larabars. Or start making my own.
  • 6-eggs, pork roast, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 830-coffee w/ CM
  • 1030-Larabar
  • 1130-half LB
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-chicken, toast, half LB
  • 330-LB
  • 615-fish, summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple w/ SB, bootch

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 92% quality. How did I get to bed so late, WTF was I doing? Good question. No answer. Slept soundly, woke naturally.

Healthy Movement: Achey deep-left glute again, but improved throughout the day and fine in session. Session felt pretty good; nothing impressive in the numbers, but form was beautiful.

Fun & Play: Super productive work day, lotta progress made. Timmy in my session. Good talk with Dustin. Awesome class, a newbie and much chitchat afterward with BL and AS. Possible BL is joining HH and I tomorrow night at LCSP! (And yes, maybe now I'm just being stoopid with the abbreviating.)

Stress Management: NSS posted the 2015 T&S dates. I'm actually unsure whether I want to do it. It's fun & it's beautiful, yes. But it's not much of a challenge anymore, which is acceptable as not everything needs to be hard, but it's rather a lot of money for what amount to frustratingly short, slow runs that aren't even on the best sections of the SHT. And bringing so much my own damn food for most of it, yet still paying the same amount, is seriously fucking annoying. And while the group has always been fairly fun, I'd truly rather spend more time with my already-beloveds. New people are good, but spending a weekend only surface-connecting, when I could instead strengthen the already-deep bonds I've got with my precious peeps...I guess I'd just rather go (farther) up north with my running besties.

Experiencing the Superior 100 with BK & crew, man, it was just SO MUCH MORE than the T&S. The very first year, the T&S created similarly deep connections, but not since then. I think it's because we were all friends already going in, and we just became BETTER friends. I didn't really have a desire to connect with everyone last year. I just kept thinking how much better it would be with my ROUS family.

So, I went ahead and set up a poll to figure out a ROUS weekend to go on up there. We simply must make it happen. Yet...how do I NOT do the T&S again, I'm the only every-single-year veteran!

Hm, maybe I can do both, it doesn't have to be either/or, I guess...yet how much can I afford, both financially & maritally? I've already got the Spring Superior 50k, Tahoe, Superior 100, then possibly a ROUS weekend and the T&S? This is a span of 6 months; will the hubs be okay with me being gone a full weekend every month without him? What if he comprehends just how insanely fulfilling that would be for me? Could ANYONE possibly comprehend that, besides another social-butterfly of a trail runner?

Monday, January 26

Nutrition: Easy. Easy easy easy. Yay!
  • 515a-eggs, pork roast, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 830-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 10-ham stick, coffee w/ CM
  • 1p-chicken w/ mustard, apple, coconut butter
  • 4-Larabar
  • (430-7m run)
  • 7-veggies & pork rinds w/ salsa, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 74% quality. Woke at 3a to a scampering Hanky, but I just yelled at him & rolled over. Wasn't at all solid from there onward, but I did fall back.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling almost normal. Low back still a touch over-reactive on stretches. Logged a lap at LCSP with a bestie, and it felt pretty great. Faster than Saturday but a million times easier: happiness!

Fun & Play: Class. I finally called Mary and we talked for an HOUR. It was absolutely positively wonderful. So happy I did it, so thoroughly wish I had done it sooner. I came away so thankful for her good fortune and flat-out loving my life and everyone in it. Bit of chitchat with the hubs as he hit the halfway point of the hog-hauling trip. Half-lunched with BK. Left work early, paper piles & to-do lists be damned. Ran my favorite lap of my favorite park with my favorite running buddy in warm January daylight and caught up on our lives. What's not to love?

Also, we have devised a new Sabrina phrase: hulk-hugs. Imma start giving 'em left & right!

Stress Management: Made plans to leave work by 4p today despite the stupid workload. Hoping that fewer hours can save me. Plus, I get home early enough to get a few things done at home.And on Tuesdays & Thursdays, when I'm there later for class, I'm going in later. If I can't sleep in, then maybe I accomplish a chore in the MORNING that I would usually do at night. What a concept! This doesn't always work, because teaching class is not exactly something I can claim as a reason for missing an accounting deadline, but at the end of the month? I'm doing it. Fuck it. Life is not work. Life is LIFE. Perspective.

Sunday, January 25

Nutrition: Ate too much but it was more craving/munchy feelings, than the raving hunger of the other day. 
  • 615a-eggs, chicken sausage, bacon, toast, coffee
  • 8-Larabar
  • 10-cran-blueberry crunch
  • 1230-jerky, c-b crunch, Halos, Larabar 
  • 3-kind strong bar
  • 530-pork roast, fruit, chia bootch
  • 630-SB&J toast, apple w SB

Sleep: 9 (!) hours in bed, 9p-6a, 92% quality. At least an hour before I fell asleep, but solid once I did. Woke around 3a when the hubs was up & leaving, but back out after that. Dozed 5-6a but got up feeling rested, finally.

Healthy Movement: Body is significantly better. Almost normal. Managed to log a few sets of 5 pulls, and they were okay. Standing at tax firm in Vibrams (yay, uber-casual days!) with occasional sitting. At home, pure & total laziness in front of the TV. 

Fun & Play: Knocked out a ton of work at DBB. Laziness w/ Clyde. Plotting out a couple trail runs for the week. 

Saturday, January 24

Nutrition:
  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM, Larabar
  • (630-7m trails)
  • 8-Larabar, coffee
  • (830-yoga)
  • 10-SB&J toast
  • 130p-iceberg, tomato, cukes, deli lunch meat, can Zevia
  • 3-chili pistachios
  • 530-Larabar
  • 7-pork roast & fried plantains w balsamic, fruit 

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 86% quality. Lots of tossing & turning according to the graph, but I don't recall. I woke & dozed around 4a. Alarm buzzed to get me up in time to run. I truly should have shut it off and stayed in bed. Spent the day very, very tired. Tears level of exhaustion was achieved. Napped for an hour, 4-5p.

Healthy Movement: Body did as expected on the "usual" trail run, which is to say that it was hard since I'm currently a meathead, not a runner, but I managed to finish feeling decent. At yoga afterward, we began some good, thorough low-back stretching, and mine Freaked The Fuck Out. It nearly seized up coming into a standing position. I suspect that post-run, when I got cold & shivering, it tightened up, and I should have eased very, very slowly into stretching it. So I did that when it freaked out, ignoring the video & doing gentle, slow, mild stretches in various positions. I nearly began crying with frustration that it should be so sensitive, but I held it together, barely. By the finish it was feeling normal again, but I was thoroughly exhausted.

Entire lower body ached like a motherfucker for the rest of the day. Rode in a car for 1.5 hours, got out with an aching left core & glute. Sat on the floor for about an hour, laid on it, stretched here & there, continued to feel awful. Felt better when I could stand or sit, so I did that. Another 1.5 hours back home, nearly falling asleep, and again felt rotten after that. Ache ache ache.

Solution? More sleep. I don't care if I start going to bed at 8pm, this body needs more recovery than it's getting. No more extra stress[, husband!]. I have the ability to live in a sty of a house without it bothering me, so I need to find more similar fucks to stop giving. I can start with moderating my work hours a little; fuck 'em if I start missing deadlines, it's their own goddamn fault. It's not going to benefit my employer(s) if I kill myself. I can also let down my friends if a planned running date is going to make me worse, not better. That might be enough?

Fun & Play: Trails with friends. A beautiful sunrise. Texts with my truest besties, BB, BK, & LT, letting them know how much I miss chatting with them. Time with the in-laws. Household-wide napping. Hubs time.

Stress Management: On the drive to LCSP this morning, tired and emotional, I began to cry as it sank in: I miss my friends so motherfucking much. It is 100% goddamn clear to me how much interaction I need on a regular daily basis, and how that need becomes life-saving when I'm stressed. This was one of the worst weeks ever, and the hubs wasn't enough since he was part of the problem; I only got a half hour of BK early on, nothing later as we both seemed to lay low & avoid each other (and that certainly added to the stress beatdown); I got a ten-minute dose of Timmy post-official-meeting; I got a few texts with my BB. I did get supper with HB, but not until I was already exhausted. None of that was enough to help me calm down and work through the mental stress of the week.

It's not like I wanted a bunch of coffee dates or suppers out because that would have added commitments (of which I already have far, far too many). I think this is precisely why the constant back & forth with BK is so perfect: tiny blips of delight that take tiny bits of time, done at my convenience. Or being able to talk with BK or HH on a run - I'm already going to run anyway so it's not an additional commitment, just an enhanced one. (That said, I didn't even get to bring it up with HH today, because even though I would've been fine to share with DQ as well, I was working too damned hard just. to. breathe.)

So that's why I texted all of my besties to work on re-solidifying the convos, and I shall let the hubs know why I need this much texting interaction: he is not enough. No one is. I need the help of all of my people, all of the damn time, and he has to accept that. Otherwise he gets the messy crying heap I became today, and neither of us wants that.

Friday, January 23

Nutrition: Tried to eat extra today to avoid deadlift soreness and mitigate tiredness. I managed to avoid adding coffee at lunch, despite being at the cutest little coffee shop in the world. Or at least in Minnesota. Okay FINE just in Sauk Centre. 

Fuck though, could've eaten my fists off today. Not cravings, all legit hunger. Nothing satisfied. For supper I went for my max-cal combo, hoping that would give me a semblance of recovery by tomorrow. 

  • 445a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, SB&J toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-Larabar 
  • 1015-Larabar 
  • 12p-southwest-type salad
  • 1-apple, Larabar, jerky (salad too damned small; and still hungry as shit; I basically needed a whole 'nutha meal, WTF?)
  • 330-bacon jerky, Halos, apple chips
  • 630-Daiya pizza, pint AZ


Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 73% quality. Not enough. Thanks a lot Hank, ya fat jerk. So. Tired. 

Healthy Movement: Feeling some all-over stiffness from deadlifts. More in the back than in legs or glutes. Also, HANDS. My fucking hands ache. What? Low energy at lunchtime. Low low low. Took a short walk around 3p to the gas station and started to feel sore glutes then. Sore by eve. Near "tears level" of exhaustion on the drive home. Ugh. 

Fun & Play: Hubs time in morning and evening. DBB instead of TS, a good change of pace. Fun peeps there! Love the work as well. Lunch with Mom, although I was [much] less than alert or chatty. Everything felt like Shit That Does Not Matter. So tired. FB silliness with assorted peeps. Clyde snuggles. 

Thursday, January 22

Nutrition: Interesting observation today: MK made two kinds of healthy chocolate cake (that I could eat) for the team, and had me try one; she talked through the recipes and about some others she didn't make, etc. I took a piece and it was tasty, but...I didn't really care. I would've been fine if she hadn't made it. I didn't want the recipe for either one, I didn't care about trying them. I just...didn't care. Zero craving for the sweet treat whatsoever. More of THAT mentality, please!
  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar
  • 1030-jerky, toast
  • 11-paleo chocolate cake
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-ham sticks, apple, Larabar
  • 4-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-eggs, ham, potatoes, decaf (Trav's!)

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 86% quality. Better; don't remember waking up at all.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good. None of the niggles. Session was TOUGH and I suspect that I may hate Dustin on Saturday morning. SO MANY DEADLIFTS.

Fun & Play: PJ chitchat. LT chitchat about marriage, yo. BK chitchat about god, people expect me to work? What? Why? I don't wanna!! AP chitchat about lifting and the brain vs body and OMG I love it. BB chitchat. Leaving TS early! Good session. NSS peeps. Fun class (on PTO, I came back & taught my class because it's fun, not work!!). HB supper at Trav's.

Stress Management: Working on things in my brain.

Feel annoyed about keeping the hubs informed as to when I will be home: I struggle with this so much. I am a grown-ass independent woman and I don't need someone's permission to go running in the woods. But I'm not asking for it, and he's not giving it; it's just nice for him to know when I'll be home. So it's a courtesy. But for some reason I see it as "checking in" to get permission, and that chaps my rough little feminist hide to such a degree that I am blazing hot about it. Trying to remind myself: courtesy. That's all it is. Calm your shit.

Feel guilty that I need so much ME time: My brain is telling me I'm selfish for wanting to spend so much time working, teaching, running, lifting, yoga-ing, volunteering - all of which time is spent not-husband-ing. But I need to do them, more than I need any one single person: yes, even him. Doing these things has turned me into the person I want to be. I like myself about 8 bajillion times more than I ever did in my first 30 years. And so I refuse to change; I refuse to dislike myself again. I will be living the rest of my life with that voice in my head, and I need her to be kind & proud & loving - not a critical cunt. And so, if the hubs, or my friends, or my family, dislikes that, it's just too bad. But I shall not change. It's not selfish to do what it takes to love myself. But...I can find some compromises in my ME time.

I made a tiny little effort today by culling a bunch of FB friends that I won't miss. Still have room to reduce the crap I'm seeing on my feed, but it's a start that means less time spent on FB. Also thinking maybe we have a regular "date night" that involves making supper together. (I know, right? I am SO EXCITING.)

Temperance: In the spirit of giving fewer fucks about shit that does not matter, I've decided that I'm done with eyeshadow. I eliminated both eyeliner and nail polish about a year ago, and haven't missed them even a little bit. It took a while to get used to how I looked without the eyeliner, but we're talking a week, tops. And I immediately got used to the time I saved!

So, next up: I'm calling eyeshadow a stupid fucking time-waster. I guarantee that no one else cares whether I wear it or not, so why should I? Some people will notice it's gone, but I'm positive no one will care

Although, I am telling you, the first asshole to comment that I "look tired" is going to see me pull this out and silently write in it, giving them the stink-eye as I do:
I NEED DIS

Wednesday, January 21

Nutrition:
  • 445a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 745-ham stick, Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1030-macadamia nuts, jerky
  • 1245p-chicken w/ mustard, orange, Renola
  • 430-Larabar
  • 730-chicken, fruit, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 845p-430a, 88% quality. Took at least an hour to fall asleep, and woke at 4a to prancing Hanky. This is Not Good.

Healthy Movement: Body feels better today, but I spent the entire morning debating the lunch run. I only wanted to do it if it would help the brain. I was doing better by noon, but not enough to go out. (Also annoying was worrying about how my hair would look for the all-team meeting post-run, for DUMB.) Yoga was planned but canceled on me. So, total rest day. Whatevah.

Fun & Play: Class helped lift me up a little bit from the funk. Chitchat with LT helped as well. Seems the "quality time together" issue is really quite common amongst couples! Wanted to lunch with BK to talk about his recovery strategies, but there was a speaker in the lunch room. So, some other day, gah. Progress on cleaning up phone. Hubs time at home. BB chitchat.

Stress Management: Still a bit of a mess. (Better off when I don't think about it. Obviously.)

Guilty about having changed so much that the hubs & I now have little in common. Yet I'm not about to give up any of my newfound loves, because I refuse to go back to being the person I was before. (I never want to be weak or lazy again!) And that makes me feel extremely selfish.

So how do I reconcile these two extremes? What is in the middle that we can do together? Dustin's suggestion was spending some time watching TV together. Ugh, I have a million things I'd rather do (and need to do) than waste my time on TV shows. I'm thinking that at the very least we could eat together. Because we haven't done that in YEARS. (Thanks, 100% Paleo.) I guess it's a start.

I'm also angry that this issue has severely dropped off BK communication. I'm discovering that I crave daily chitchat with my peeps; it doesn't have to be BK, but it needs to be SOMEONE, because I feel lonely without the chatter. Turns out I actually can't live in spreadsheets all day every day; I need great big huge doses of my people on a regular basis; who knew?!

Tuesday, January 20

Nutrition:
  • 445a-eggs, chicken brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 730-Larabar
  • 9-ham sticks, apple, coffee w/ CM
  • 1115-Larabar
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, apple, coconut water (bleah, not worth it)
  • 330-macadamia nuts
  • 615-chicken, broccoli, toast, apple w/ SB

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 76% quality. Hubs woke me up at some point with a surprising panic attack, anxiety attack, something like that. NO IDEA what time it was, but I could barely wake myself up enough to care. Cue more guilt!

Healthy Movement: Bit of deep left-glute ache, and low-back ache. Session was MEH: beast mode has died due to the stress, and I knew it would. But FUCK do I hate that! It's not even me falling apart this time, and I have to pay the price AS ALWAYS because I internalize everything. Everything.

Fun & Play: Good team morale. Good talk with Dustin. Class. Hubs time in the eve, improving.

Stress Management: Hubs falling apart. It's nice not to be ME falling apart for once, but it's very hard to avoid joining him. I already feel the body breaking down a little (right IT band, left hip ache, left low-back tightness, left-glute ache, etc) which is extra stressy because I desperately want to go run through the warm woods (all day every day) in order to calm the brain. But the body will not let me, stupid thing!

So, trying to keep the brain up. Somehow.

Usually, helping other people out of their funk is a boon to me, as I forget about myself & my woes, but in this situation his funk makes me feel very guilty, which always leads to beating myself up, and then everyone loses.

Monday, January 19

Nutrition: Stress eating cravings felt hourly. Anger-making!
  • 445a-eggs, chicken sausage, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 8-coffee w/ CM
  • 930-two ham sticks, apple, coffee w/ CM
  • 1130-Larabar
  • 1230p-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, Halos, macadamia nuts
  • 3-Renola
  • (530-7m trail run)
  • 715-salad, brat, chia bootch

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 8p-430a, 95% quality. Not that great, given the first half hour was spent talking to the hubs, and the next half hour was spent thinking about what he did. But after that, damned solid. Hanky woke me at 4a; tried to ignore him, couldn't fall back, gave up.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good. However, it does not like extended time in a third-world squat: lower back freaks out a little after doing it (I was doing in class). Wonder if that's a sign to do it MORE or just at a different TIME (ie, ease into stretching it, not just jump into full flex). After work, hit the trails with ROUSer peeps, and it felt much harder than it should have for the pace. Ugh. I really wanted an easy-peasy blissed-out pagan-nature-worship kind of run, but I didn't get it. Was able to just lock in behind the boys and listen to their chatter and shut down my brain, which helped some. Just not enough.

Fun & Play: Class. Lunch w/ BK to talk through the shit below. Trails with my ROUSers.

Stress Management: Still feeling rather conflicted...look out, brain vomit ahead! Yep, this is shit I probably shouldn't put on the interwebz, but I am an open book, and I intend to remain that way.

BK & I began to become great friends last spring-ish. He hearts trails even more than me, he's an amazing runner, he showed me the magic of race volunteering, he introduced me to a great fun group of trail peeps, he shifted my range of "normal" in terms of running distances, he is a delight to crew for, we talk recovery & nutrition & training & gear & data & coffee on a regular basis. He is my fellow Trail Nerd! He GETS IT that I simply can't live without trails. (Can not, will not.) We text back and forth all the time like teenagers. It's odd, because I don't really do that with anyone else. But if my BB was that much of a texter, I'm certain I'd chat as much with her. Same with the hubs. I love to talk to my people!

Early summer-ish or so, I spent many hours contemplating whether or not it was "okay" to be such close friends with a dude. Not just a dude, but a SINGLE dude, while I'm a married woman. Sometimes it felt weird for us to talk so much, or go running so often, or go get coffee together, or go camping & volunteering up north for a weekend, just the two of us.

But here's where I landed: it's absolute bullshit to consider backing away from this friendship simply because we are of the opposite sex and society finds it suspicious. With every fiber of my being, I hate expectations & rules that exist solely to please the patriarchy & maintain the status quo, when it wouldn't hurt a goddamn thing to flout them. I opt out of such bullshit; thanks but no thanks fuck off.

So I thumbed my nose at society and doubled down on our friendship - and I couldn't possibly be more grateful that I did. So many of my friends are busy with their kids, or don't run, or BOTH, and BK's nearly-unlimited availability was instrumental in helping me to rediscover my love of running, and thus my love of ME, this fall. For that alone, I will not let him go for anything or anyone.

Plus, I like spending time with BK. Period. Why the hell would I change that simply because others will judge? Fuck others! They can go right ahead & judge, & assume "there must be something more going on," but I'll be over here, running in the woods with my bestie, not giving a flying fuck about his male gender status nor what those judgers think is going on. Let them be miserable; I'm not.

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

And while I've landed in this camp firmly enough to be ready to defend this friendship with every bit of my considerable hulk strength, I do understand that others may not have come that far yet. I do understand that those who matter might mind a bit initially, but I believe they will come around as it continues to be obvious this is nothing more than friendship.

I'm trying to be patient & understanding for those folks. Yet it's not at all in my nature to gently hold their hand and walk them over to this camp.

It is entirely in my nature to say "Get over here, or go fuck off," and not waste a second of my time worrying about which direction they'll follow. If they matter, they'll get here. If they don't, I shall not miss them.

Now, to the point, finally, of the stress for me: that person who needs the hand-holding is my FAVORITE person, aka the hubs, when I thought he had already figured allathis out months ago...hence, Beans shall struggle. Big time. Include hubs feeling suspicious enough to read said texts with BK, and Beans shall hurt. Big time. Include the hubs feeling hurt by just how much BK & I chat, and Beans shall feel guilty for not being a better wife. And then angry that she always sinks back into self-blame. I was better last night, but time to think has meant time to stew has meant I'm worser by the hour.

Cranky & combative, yet sad & hurt...unsettled, to say the least. I am a messy little bean pile today.

Luckily, I had BK himself to talk about it with, which helped some. Yes, that was my solution, and it makes perfect sense to me that it would be. Is he not the only one who is also positive that nothing is going on, and yet also aware just how much we talk, and just how that might look? And is he not one of my very favorite peeps? It was that or increase the chances of blowing up with anger at the hubs. I did not want that option.

By the time I was heading home, I was fully dreading it. I didn't want to go home. Or anywhere. I simply didn't want to deal. But I did deal, and the hubs & I talked, and it turns out, as OF COURSE IT WOULD, that very little of his actions had a GD thing to do with me or BK, and everything to do with his own brain state. (Nothing others do is because of you.) So I spent all day feeling that same old state of anger at the "who I can/can't be friends with" bullshit, and that had essentially nothing to do with it.

But the GIANT cloud part of this silver lining? I can't much help the hubs. He needs to work through his own brain state mostly solo. Although we did talk about the sad fact that we have so little in common now. That piece I can try to figure out how to impact. But I've been mulling that over for at least a year myself, and still haven't found a solution.

/brain vomit (for today at least)

Sunday, January 18

Nutrition: Little more in-line today, but still in a mental vacation mode.
  • 745-Larabar
  • 930-eggs, potatoes & peppers, bacon, toast, tons of coffee
  • 1230-Larabar
  • 3-bacon jerky, apple, almonds
  • 6-apple w SB, chia bootch 

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 1030p-715a, 92% quality. Not that great, but decent given a sleeper sofa, not my pillow, not my house.

Healthy Movement: Pretty much sat all day, between girls' weekend chitchat & the car ride. Got home too late to be able to hit trails.

Fun & Play: Girls' weekend continued. A visit to the awesome meat locker.

Stress Management: Privacy & trust violation by my favorite person. A struggle to forgive in some ways, not at all in others. Understand his concern, hate his action. Feeling outraged, offended, yet also rather ambivalent; a very strange mixture.

Saturday, January 17

Nutrition: Too much food, but that's what happens on a mini-vacation.
  • 5-eggs, chicken sausage, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • (630-powerlifting)
  • 745-Larabar
  • 11-pork jerky, macadamia nuts
  • 1-salad, veg, pork rinds, guac, salsa
  • (330-snowshoeing)
  • 5-Larabar
  • 7-steak, potato, veg, bit of bacon

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 10p-5a, 80% quality. Solid, but not enough.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling great. Logged a very solid lifting session early in the AM, before sitting in a car for 4 hours (ugh). Snowshoeing with my pals, easy peasy. Wanted to RUN the wide trail so very very much!

Fun & Play: Lifting with AS. Road tripping to AS. Girls' weekend happiness!
 

Friday, January 16

Nutrition: Probably too much for a rest day. But hey, impressive for a long 13-hour workday.
  • 5a-fried egg sandwich w mustard, chicken sausage, coffee w CM
  • 6-Larabar
  • 830-coffee w CM
  • 915-salted macadamia nuts, apple
  • 1130-pork jerky, macadamia nuts, Halos
  • 3-brat, Larabar, bootch
  • 445-Kind Strong bar
  • 730-salad w avocado, toast, SB&J toast

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 75% quality. Had a near h/s/g wake-up (still too much at supper, it seems), but was dozing in/out regularly after that. Intense dreams, though I can't remember them.
 
Healthy Movement: Again I expected to get up feeling a little stiff & sore, but felt great! And yet a rest day anyway? What is this moderation?! Sat all afternoon at NSS but given the car hours this weekend, I probably should've stood.
 
Fun & Play: FB silliness. Coworker silliness. Chitchat with a fellow female lifting beast who GETS IT.
 
Chitchat with my BB. ROUS silliness that actually bordered on obnoxious while I was trying to work. Snarky (& a bit bratty) chat with BK (also in on the ROUS convo) gave me an outlet to avoid being a jerk.
 
Stress Management: But at one point I wanted to scream & punch & throw things, at a judgy comment about fat people.

Fuck.

That.

I said nothing, because it didn't quite feel like a time to get on a high horse, but I sure wish I had climbed up & yelled. Better to overreact & take offense if something wasn't meant to offend, or better to sit & seethe & let my overbearing need for harmony keep me silent?

The former, judging by how I felt remaining silent.

Thursday, January 15

Nutrition:
  • 5a-eggs, chicken sausage, cauli & onions, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 6-Americano
  • 8-coffee w/ CM
  • 915-Larabar
  • 1045-Larabar
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 1245-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, Halo
  • 3-Larabar, apple
  • (6-yoga club)
  • 7-salad w avocado, brat, toast, bootch

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 74% quality. Woke h/s/g at 3a but didn't need to get up - again, too big of a supper. Could've slept later, but Mr Hanky disagreed. Got up feeling decent in the brain, anyway. 77 pulse.

Healthy Movement: A bit MEH energy-wise: need more sleep. Nothing specifically sore; already lost the squat soreness, still nothing in the upper body: hot damn, hot damn! Session: super fantastico. PULL-UPS PR!! Fun times at yoga after work.

Fun & Play: BK chitchat. FB silliness. Warmer temps. Session. 50k chitchat with my runner pals, and continuing to feel fully content that I am NOT interested. (I just wanna go have all the fun with none of the pressure.) Body-love talk with a coworker, an email that involved lots of swears and the kind of stuff I post on my bloggity blog. So...I also posted that link on FB as an accompaniment to the pull-ups PR. Feeling brave. Super fun class, had THREE newbies join us, plus my meathead had left work early, but CAME BACK IN for my class: I am GLOWING with delight over that. Yoga-club silliness. Hubs time. A pretty fantastic day, truly.

Wednesday, January 14

Nutrition: I am loaded up on snacks today, woo hoo! Not starving like yesterday. Except: rather high in sugar. Need to keep more real-food snacks at my desk.
  • 5a-eggs, chicken brat, cauli & onions, toast, coffee w CM
  • 8-coffee w CM
  • 930-Larabar, halos, coffee w CM
  • 1145-Larabar
  • (1215p-3.9m run)
  • 115-tuna w/ mustard, toddler veg pack, coconut butter
  • 345-Kind Strong bar
  • 7-salad w avocado, brat, toast, apple w SB, chia bootch


Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 82% quality. Woke h/s/g around 3a, but managed to throw off blankets and fall back (too many calories at supper, methinks). Woke at 4a and just dozed, could NOT fall back asleep in full, dang it. 74 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Little sore from squats, nothing from bench. Didn't much feel like logging a lunch run, for some reason, but I did it anyway. Gold star! Left core fine on the run, but a little tight by the end of the workday. Felt squats quite a bit more by the end of the day. I also felt the 12 hours of standing. (Blech to these long days! Be gone!!)

Fun & Play: Early-morning BK chitchat. Class. Productive workday. Break time with BK & chitchat with my class peeps. Lovely little run in warm temps, although they actually feel the same as always, since I dress lighter. Less eye-makeup destruction! Quiet night at home.

Tuesday, January 13

Nutrition: Strangely hungry today, and not nearly enough food onhand at work. SUPER dumb. But I was delivered a crapton of Larabars today, hip hip hooray!
  • 545a-eggs, cauliflower & onions, beef hot dog, coffee w/ coconut butter
  • 815-Larabar
  • 1030-Renola
  • (1130-Dustin session)
  • 1245p-chicken, rice crackers, another Renola
  • 4-yet another Renola (see: hungry as hell)
  • 7-salad w avocado, beef hot dog, toast, apple w SB, bootch


Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 91% quality. Awake until at least 10p, but very solid after that. Woke naturally at 345a and was SO happy to flip over & snuggle back in. 82 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Again just feeling a little stiff in the morning, but good later on. Session was  pure awesomesauce. Two bench PRs! I am literally one wee little baby plate away from benching my bodyweight. Eeeeee!! I"m running about the same on squats & pulls, but my technique keeps improving, so I'm okay with it. 

Fun & Play: Pestering BK about his recovery habits (or lack thereof). Super productive and focused. Helping others. FB silliness. Amazing session. Fun, tough class with supah strong attendees!!

Monday, January 12

Nutrition:
  • 5-eggs, cauliflower & onions, beef hot dog, toast, coffee w/ coconut oil
  • 930-almonds & raisins & cinnamon (homemade trail mix deliciousness)
  • (12p-3.75m run)
  • 1-fish, cauli & onions, toast, apple, pepitas, tea
  • 330-Larabar
  • 445-pork jerky
  • 7-salad w avocado, toast, bootch
Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 86% quality. Pretty solid, woke naturally. 71 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Things a little stiff first off (could feel deadlifts in erectors, deliciously so), but loosened up quickly. Lunch run for the first time in so damn long that I forgot all about my scan card! Got back out on the disc golf course, and 'twas quite lovely despite the cold. Destroyed my eye makeup, though I can happily accept that in return for such an enjoyable little jaunt. Left oblique/flexor area was a bit achey & tight again.

Fun & Play: Class! Somewhat productive day. Lotta good, hard thinking involved. Enjoyable & beautiful lunch run. More people talking of coming to my class. FB silliness. Relay for Life meeting. Hubs time. 

Sunday, January 11

Nutrition:
  • 6-eggs, beef hot dog, toast, orange, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar
  • 1115-Renola
  • (1215p-basement lifting)
  • 130-French toast w/ honey & coconut butter & pure maple syrup, beef hot dog, bootch
  • 415-Larabar 
  • 530-salad w/ avocado, beef hot dog, toast, FCLO

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 10p-545a, 91% quality. Very sound, but woke from a vivid (crappy, car crash into water) dream at 5a and couldn't fall back although I tried & tried. Got up feeling rested, but still made a promise to Clyde there would be a nap later. Pulse 75. Fulfilled my promise 230-4p, and the kits & I were very happy little nappers indeed.

Healthy Movement: For some reason I got up expecting to feel stiff & sore, and was pleasantly surprised when I felt great. I still plotted a slightly lower-key workout than I felt capable of, culling out heavy squats in hopes of feeling stellar for Tuesday's session. Still, by the time I finished, it was clear that I haven't been doing this regularly. Quite a bit of work crammed into that hour!

Fun & Play: All my chores accomplished. Workout. Fetch in warm weather. Writing. Napping. Reading.

Saturday, January 10

Nutrition: While my taxy days are probably always going to be shortcutty, because I want to take minimal downtime to eat, this was on the super lazy end of the spectrum. I will get better by being smarter about it.
  • 415a-eggs, brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • (545-7m run)
  • 7-apple, coffee
  • 830-Larabar
  • 1030-bacon jerky
  • 12p-pork rinds & salsa, Renola, bootch
  • 515-pork jerky, Larabar
  • 8-orange, CB toast

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 9p-4a, 78% quality. Took until nearly 10p to fall asleep, but was then quite solid until I woke naturally at 4a. Wow, right? I did, however, wish to lay there and sleep longer, but the trail date with BK called. 79 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Body in great shape. Struggled a little bit on the run, more lungs than legs. Endurance, so hard to win, is so quickly lost. It was a delight to be out there, though. Cold, but easy to handle. PT last few nights has been the twisty-stretch only. Could feel that spot toward the end of the run, maybe around mile 6. Little tight throughout the day. Stood all day at the tax firm (woo hoo!) but the few times I sat down to really dig into some details felt quite nice. Might be a few weeks before 6 days of standing feels normal.

Fun & Play: Fun run & running talk with BK. FB silliness throughout the day. A great taxy day, all spent working through the messy QB of a new-to-us client. I don't know why, but I seriously dig that shit. Bailed early (5p is early there) to race over to dad's shop and wrap up his year. I was slowed down by problems, and thus was going to be later picking up The Mitz for our dogsitting adventure, but it turned out that it would be too late. So, no Mitzi-sitting, just a quiet house to return do. Probably better for my household anyway. I felt super drained leaving dad's shop at 730p, but grocery-shopping & BK chitchat perked me back up, so I went to bed feeling normal again.

I might make up a little taxy vision board of all the fabulous reasons I'm working 60-hours weeks. Like, the trip to Tahoe. BK sent me this, the most gorgeous picture, and I think maybe we should go RANOW. Take 5 months to acclimate to the elevation, make certain he's going to do well. I'm positive that seeing this (& my other reasons) on a regular basis will help keep my spirits up.

Bliss.


Temperance: It has fully occurred to me the true reason my marathon training always failed during tax season: my brain simply Can Not. A long run in the cold is physically difficult, yes, but the ultimate challenge is inside the brain. It doesn't want to be out there suffering, on any long run, and is constantly reminding you how comfy your couch is. And in the winter, how WARM & COZY & man, I bet a soak in the hot tub & then a nap would be fantastic, a million times better than running. In the fall, the glory of being in the peaceful, wonderful, gorgeous woods (& promised views like the above) overrides those enticing words and keeps me going.

But during tax season, after 6 straight long days of work, my brain is completely fried. There simply is nothing left over. I love my jobs and the work I do, but this time of year adds a lot of complicated analysis, thus it is especially taxing (pun intended). So throw in the challenge of a long run on that 7th day, and I Just Can't. I can't take on any real challenge, running or otherwise. Even without taxes (last year), the 5 days are still draining, and the pressure of that long run is still daunting and hard to overcome. It simply can't be done, not by me, not in the winter, not as long as I'm an accountant.

And that's perfectly okay. Right now, I'm feeling excited for this winter's running. I'm planning to meet BK or HH at 6am every Saturday morning (hopefully). They will be fun, trails whenever possible, and then I'll head off to my long taxy day feeling high on love, after starting my day with a bestie in the woods. Also, my lifting won't be impacted by these runs, since they are short, and thus my strength will INCREASE during the winter (rather than totally fall apart), which I of course adore - all of this is an entirely different world than the prior 4 winters. Like, Opposite Land different. I expect to be a much, much, much happier little beast.

Friday, January 9

Nutrition: Pretty heavy on shortcuts lately. Need to get my crap together. 
  • 530a-eggs, brat, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 730-coffee w/ CM
  • 915-Sunbutter w/ rice crackers (do you know how tasty this is?!)
  • 12p-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple, bootch
  • 230-packet Cacao Bliss
  • 4-summer sausage w/ rice crackers
  • 7-salad w/ avocado, sweet pickles, toast 

Sleep
: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 88% quality. Woke often 4a onward, and the prancing Hanky boy was my alarm. I really would have appreciated making it all the way to 6a. 76 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Definitely making progress with The Crud. Didn't even need to blow my nose this morning! Body still feeling stiff, and a little bit of soreness in the erectors, but very moderate, and very cool. Played just a leetle beet with SA chin work during class, and couldn't get the assisted left side. Lame! Sat all afternoon at NSS. 

Fun & Play: Productive morning. Taught class. Got outta TS before 1p! And NSS was hopping, so much to be there when it's lively like that. Really fun. Left love notes for all of them before I bailed. 

Temperance: Saw a fabulous quote today, that seems to accurately reflect the change my brain has gone through in the past year or so:

 And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
 –John Steinbeck
YES. YES YES YES. And guess which one is effortless and fun, and thus self-perpetuating, and thus more fulfilling?

Thursday, January 8

Nutrition: Fasting for a blood test. Le CRANK in the AM. Managed to get it done before a headache kicked in. Felt strangely stuffed all morning.
  • 8-toast, apple, Renola, swig of broth, coffee w/ CM
  • 930-orange, coffee w/ CM
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple, pepitas
  • 4?-Kind Strong bar
  • 630-Renola
  • 730-salad, brat w/ Slawsa, bootch, toast, SB&CB&J toast

Sleep
: 8.5 hours in bed, 915p-545a, 83% quality. Woke around 430a and dozed in/out until the hubs got up. 83 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Decent, not great. STIFF upper back & shoulders. High cholesterol in my test: SHOCKING and TERRIFYING. Or not at all. Good solid session, although results a little "meh." Yes, I expect giant PRs every single week. Moderation? Not my thing.

Energy came & went today. Was struggling in afternoon but class rejuvenated me. My little meathead AS was back, woo hoo! Again energy tanked before leaving, but better at home. 

Fun & Play: Making fun of the health tests. Gotta, or else I'll just get pissed. Fun session. Holea chitchat and pics of our backs for posterity (or comparison at year-end). Class. Productivity & finally feeling there is a light at the end of the YE tunnel. Sweet pets rejoicing at the miracle of my arrival home. Peace and quiet and a happy mind. 

Wednesday, January 7

Nutrition: My BB saved the day today: I had no protein for lunch, and it's cold as crap and I wasn't gonna leave. Luckily my BB was still home and packed me a meat. She's the bomb diggitiest!
  • 230a-Larabar
  • 5-eggs, cauliflower, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 930-Larabar, orange, coffee w/ CM
  • 1215p-toast, summer sausage w/ rice crackers, apple, tea
  • 215-Larabar
  • 415-All The Crackers (stress eating)
  • 630-brat w/ Slawsa, salad w/ avocado, toast, bootch

Sleep
: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 60% quality. Not THAT bad. Woke at 2a, couldn't fall back, got up at 230a for bathroom, water, Larabar. Still took a while, but I fell back. I woke at 5a, flipped over, snuggled back in ready to zonk...but buzzzzzz. Bleah! 78 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling decent. Did class warm-up and could feel squats a bit. Did SA chin-up work and the elbows got a little crank. Rest day, not running, due to The Crud. [Insert very frustrated sigh here.]

Fun & Play: Class. FB silliness GALORE. More fun with the pull-ups spreadsheet. Writing. Lunch with my BB. Serious productivity, catching back up like I desperately needed to. Spent an extra hour working on NSS stuff...so effing fun! BK Tahoe talk. Eeeeee! Hubs time.

Tuesday, January 6

Nutrition: I'm going to stop tallying my caloric intake. The whole point of doing it (for the past year or so), was to make sure I was eating ENOUGH to feel good, because I was struggling to do so. I've now gotten that pretty much automatic by adding in regular snacks. So...no more calorie-counting, unless perhaps things start to go poorly again. (But they won't!)

However, I am still going to track what I'm eating, because I still have acne sources that I haven't pinpointed. Frustrating, to say the least.
  • 530-eggs, bacon, cauliflower, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 830-toast, Renola, coffee w/ CM
  • 11-Larabar, apple
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 145-tuna w/ mustard, banana
  • 4-Kind Strong bar
  • (6-yoga)
  • 730-salad w/ avocado, toast, bootch
Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 97% quality. I don't know about THAT; it was at least a half hour before I fell asleep, but it was sound and I woke naturally. Well, mostly: I probably could have snuggled back in for more, but for a prancing Hanky. 71 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling only okay, mostly due to The Crud. I get some fluid movement when I get up, but after I've been up for an hour or so, there is zero drainage, just sinus inflammation that seems about the same as the day before. Ugh. I'm also realizing that I have little niggles popping up: occasional soreness in my left foot, tight low back yesterday, somewhat tight neck today...places of past injuries or major aches. This wouldn't be a surprise if I were feeling stressed, but maybe it's just being sick. Anyway, little warning signs that I am now too smart to completely ignore. Although yes, it pisses me off, big time.

Awesome session, bench reps PR. Fun with yoga doing some tricky stuff & Holea chitchat.

Another thing I'm going to stop tracking: calories burned. Sure, it's cool to see I've burned 150,000 calories in a year, but...it doesn't mean anything, not really, nor does it change my behavior. I shall keep tracking my 9 factors. I'll track miles AND trail miles. I'll track pull-ups, obviously, and total weight pulled. And I'll track workout TIME, because I benefit from keeping tabs on cumulative hours, making sure I don't get overzealous. And this is easier than it seems, as I've efficientized such tracking & use conditional formatting to give me a general overview-at-a-glance. EXCEL MAGIC.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Dogs' reactions to pickles (they like, but it takes them a few seconds of chewing to decide as such) (they are old pickles that I won't eat). Productive team (getting ahead of me!). Session. Yoga. Writing.

Stress Management: I couldn't bring up the topic with D & M today. It didn't feel like the right time, or maybe I just wasn't brave enough. Still in my head constantly, though, and I gotta say something soon. And really: what's the worst that can happen?

Monday, January 5

Nutrition:
  • 5a-eggs, bacon, cauliflower, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-EmergenC, Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 1230p-tuna w/ mustard & rice crackers, almond butter & toast, bit of raw veg, tea
  • 3-Kind Strong bar
  • 530-Larabar
  • 630-salad w/ avocado, toast 
  • calories 2125: p 350, c 875, f 900

Sleep
: 8.25 hours in bed, 830p-445a, 81% quality. Ugh, much worse. Took over an hour to fall asleep, and was laying there with a monkey mind 4a onward. Too much sleep yesterday, plus The Crud. And a super low 57 pulse, what the hell?

Healthy Movement: I brought a bag packed up tight for a cold winter run, all set to bundle up & enjoy it. But on my drive in, it occurred to me that I'm probably again being a dumbass, not a badass. Take another rest day, and let the body use that energy to beat The Crud. (Please please please.) Energy level never took a hard dive, but it wasn't great either. At the end of the workday, driving home sounded like too much effort. 

Fun & Play: A full class again, everyone back from vacation. Chitchat w/ BK & AS. Massive productivity. Lunch w/ BK. Talking to an older coworker about coming to my class! More writing. The NSS post of my pull-ups used #NSSfamily and made me weepy. They ARE family to me. A long, hot bath. And a cleaner tub. 

Sunday, January 4

Nutrition: Any time I've made French toast since going Paleo (which is like 4 times in 4 years), I've wondered why I don't do it more often. Same today. And today I was thoroughly surprised by how very little syrup & honey it took to be immensely sweet. Made me curious if some of the foods I miss would actually even taste good to me anymore. Probably not. Except real bread: I bet that is still bomb dig.
  • 8-eggs, turkey, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 1145-Larabar 
  • (12p-pulls/chins)
  • 115-hot dogs w/ Slawsa, French toast w/ pure maple syrup & honey
  • 445-veg & salsa
  • 6-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, chia bootch
  • calories 2200: p 950, c 1050, f 200

Sleep: 10.5 (!!) hours in bed, 9p- 730a, 87% quality. I would call it 95%. Woke around 445a, dozed for a bit, and decided to try falling back. Success! Still, got up feeling sickly, and damn tired of it. 92 pulse. Napped 2-430p as well. Whoa!

Healthy Movement: Tired. Forgot to mention that yesterday the left core did ache post-run, likely from all the immediate sitting with zero stretching. Stood while at the tax firm, and it felt better by the end of the night. Good today, and full PT is happening again.

By noon, too tired to lift. Even benching sounded like a lot of effort. So all I did was pulls - but I did 60! Shoulders and elbows do seem a wee bit peeved so I shall dial it back to normalcy.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Eating breakfast & actually talking with the hubs. Felt like I hadn't seen him in three days or so. Quiet day, didn't leave the house. BK chitchat. Nap time. Necessary chores all finished. Better weather in the forecast.

Saturday, January 3

Nutrition: A shortcutty day since I worked the tax firm 1-7p. Need to better plan my snacks for such days. A silver lining: once again, madly in love with raw veg & salsa. I could have eaten it until my belly ached.

  • 5a-eggs, turkey, toast, coffee w CM
  • 6-half Larabar
  • (615-8m trail run)
  • 8-half Larabar 
  • 9-eggs, ham, potatoes, much coffee
  • 12-Kind Strong bar
  • 215-carrot cake super cookies, bootch
  • 6-pepitas, Larabar 
  • 8-veg w salsa, SB&J toast
  • Calories 2875: p 650, c 1225, f 1000
Acne: So incredibly fiercely bad this past week, worst it's been in ages, and not sure why. Frustrating as hell.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 82% quality. Should've turned in earlier, since I needed to be up pretty early for trails. Solid, though. 76 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling pretty good. Run went fairly well, although legs failed me at the end; calves in particular were whining. Took a few cold calms throughout the day but no DayQuil. Energy level and brain level were just fine, but I was tanking pretty hard by 8p.

Fun & Play: Trails! HH! Sunrise! Squeezed in 20 minutes at NSS to finish something for M that lets him get cracking on 2014 analysis. 3 hours of chitchat at Trav's with my BB. Catching up with my tax firm peeps.

Friday, January 2

Nutrition: Super draining day of work, spending the last hour fighting Excel for a dying file, so at the grocery store I just bought a tray of veggies. My salads have not been prepped and I knew it wasn't going to happen tonight. Those veg were so effing good and crispy, and so perfectly hit the spot, I could've eaten the entire platter. Yay, veggies!
  • 545a-turkey, eggs, toast, coffee w/ CM
  • 9-Larabar, coffee w/ CM
  • 11-Larabar
  • (1130-chin-up mania)
  • 12p-tuna w/ mustard, rice crackers, toddler pack
  • 130-ColdCalm
  • 3-Larabar (yes, another!)
  • 6-veg w salsa, hot dogs, slawsa, toast, bootch
  • calories 2225: p 725, c 1100, f 400

Sleep
: 8.5 (!) hours in bed, 9p-530a, 70% quality. Woke when Lexi decided to bark at the backyard at 1145p, but otherwise sound, and woke naturally. More like 90%. 72 pulse.

Healthy Movement: Still aching pretty much everywhere; good thing it's my rest day. Headache gone but still feeling bleah; didn't take a DayQuil today nor a NyQuil last night. (You can handle this, body!) Tried to shrink my PT to only the twist-stretch last night, but core did ache a bit today. Damn, no shortcuts! Taught class at noon, so I had them do 100 burpees (easier than it sounds) while I did 100 chin-ups (also true). Top of left foot hurts a bit today, weirdly so. Good & lazy at home. 

Fun & Play: Productive day. Class. Chin-up beastliness. FB silliness. Plans with HH  at LCSP tomorrow instead of ROUS roads! Laziness. 

Thursday, January 1

Nutrition: Nothing sounded good today. Except bootch, which I didn't have.
  • 630-eggs, beef bacon, toast, coffee w/CM
  • (930-3.5m run)
  • 11-Larabar, chocolate coconut crisps
  • 1-walnut butter
  • 4-hot dogs w/ mustard, SB&CB&J toast
  • 630-turkey w/ mustard, toast, apples w/ SB
  • calories 2675: p 600, c 775, f 1300
Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 11p-615a, 73% quality. Fell asleep shortly before midnight; graph looks like my sleep was shallow, but I don't recall waking at all before 6a. Got up tired, though, and energy level was low all day. Worked too late to be able to nap.

Healthy Movement: 1 pull-up in the middle of breakfast, but that was it, because WHOA I felt like hell. Upper body super sore, bit of lower body but not as bad. Ran anyway, and that felt pretty good; nice pace for me, though everyone else was a damned speedster. Bright spot: zero left core pain, neither during nor after the run.  

Felt half-sick most of the day: headache for the second straight day that just won't fully go away. Didn't take any drugs, as I'm already surpassing a week of DayQuil/NyQuil and UGH to taking drugs just to avoid some discomfort; toughen up, Beans. Boosted the water intake, hoping that would help. Seemed to. 

Fun & Play: Pull-up nonsense-talk fun times on FB. BK got into Tahoe = holy crap, yay, I'm going to Tahoe this summer! (Holy shit, how I'm gonna pay for that?!) ROUS people, the best kind of people. NSS time, although I couldn't talk to M or D like I'd hoped. HB chitchat. Bonus fun when SR & AP came to lift and cranked up the loud screamy music, although that didn't feel great on the headache. Impressed the hell out of both of them when I shared my goal of an SA chin. Woot! Snuggly pets at home.