Saturday, August 30

Nutrition: Post-run breakfast with the running group at a place that has prompted acne before, so no hashbrowns, just eggs & ham because I figured minimal soybean oil involved, AND THEN my genius move: I brought a bun from home, sliced that bitch in half, and ate my eggs on it after the ham used up the yolks. Perfection.
  • 6a-brownie, 2 strawberries, coffee
  • (7-3.5m run)
  • 8-2 eggs, ham, bun, coffee
  • (1030-nap)
  • 130p-hot dog, peas, strawberries, mixed nuts, coffee
  • 630-Cobb salad w oil & vinegar
  • calories 1925: p 800, c 625, f 500
Sleep: 6 (!) hours in bed, 12a-6a, 64% quality. In super late due to the night run + 100% necessary post-run shower, then sorta crappy sleep, then in/out 530a as I slowly woke up to the dogs prancing/growling. UGH. Would have loooved to go back to bed after tossing them outside, but, commitments. Post-post-run shower, back to bed for a nap from 1030a-1245p, a full sleep cycle followed by a slow 10-minute wake-up or so. Very refreshing.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling better than I expected after the run + short night + no evening PT (too tired & too in need of sleep; figured the PT appt covered my second PT session?). Beginning of the 3.5m run felt rather terrible, right hip was extra pinchy, but within a half-mile the body felt fine and it was only a humidity battle. Plus, running with Aaron (buddy of Brian's) so I was extra chatty with him, good distraction. Dropped swear words every other sentence, as usual, but he likely was NOT expecting such from me (he works at TS as well), so that was delightful.

Wore compression socks to bed last night, and all day today, including the run. Just in case they help, ya dig? Left hip was tight all day and right hip was pinchy every time I got up, but didn't last. I sat pretty much all day.

My buddies backed out of tonight's planned 10p run, which was a bit of a relief. I'm tired, yo. We shall try again tomorrow night. When it's supposed to rain. Crap!

Fun & Play: Group run. Group breakfast. Nap time. Quiet house. Bunch of misc little chores completed. Supper out with the hubs. 

Friday, August 29

Nutrition: I need to get some salads made; without that, my supper default becomes bacon & eggs. Which is a fine meal, but not for 2/3 of my meals. Need more veggies than that.
  • 5a-2 eggs, bacon, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 945-apple, roasted almonds
  • 1p-2 hot dogs, sugar snap peas, Larabar 
  • 3-pluot, more peas
  • 6-egg, bacon, 2 toast, mixed nuts, apple w SB
  • 915-few cashews, couple strawberries, half fruit bar (sat okay during run)
  • (10-5m run)
  • calories 2375: p 550, c 725, f 1100
Acne: Currently fiercely bad. WHY? What the hell is the deal? I was reading a site today (should've saved the link to post here for reference) that talked about several causes that could be affecting me: elevated testosterone, like from lifting; too many sugars & simple carbs, like I need for long runs; diet. So maybe I really have found all of the triggers in my diet but these other two causes remain. Well, what the fuck do I do about them? I won't stop lifting. I need simple carbs for long runs. How do I find the right balance?

Or, thinking back, is it just that there was something hidden in the taco bar? Probably soy on the onions and peppers. Why don't I just go the safe route, why can't I just get over the bothersome questions and weird looks?

Why is this so fucking difficult for me to conquer?

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 73% quality. In a bit late due to the late run, up early due to visiting guest Taco Pierre growling at my morning alarm dog Hank, simply for getting a little too close to Taco's pillow.

Healthy Movement: I took a Benadryl last night and woke up feeling the exact same! Is this a sign that Benadryl doesn't work for me anymore? Shit. Things feel good, just a touch of stiffness from last night's run. Had to do PT at TS again, but that sure is a handy benefit. Stood at NSS, didn't want to sit and get stiff throughout the afternoon. PT visit in afternoon, he told me to add some instability to my hip hikes by standing on a pillow, then come back Tuesday and Wednesday next week. Somehow I spaced asking about right pinch, as it just wasn't bothering me at the time. Brain dead.

At 10pm (an hour after my bedtime!) I did a 5-mile night run at Carlos with Shawn & Andy (Brian was supposed to come, he is the reason we shifted all the way back to 10pm, then his babysitter didn't show...yet another reason to only have pets!) was 5 miles of humidity-sucking bleahness. Was a struggle on the legs at a few points but mainly I just die when my air is so saturated. At least the temp was in the 60s, that made it less terrible. Super fucking weird on the depth perception & perspective. And creepy to hear critters rustling the leaves alongside the trails, a weird hyper-awareness that you have to just SHUT DOWN because you haven't a clue if we're talking snake or skunk or serial killer, but you (I) just gotta assume it's only a fluffy little squirrel & ignore it.

Fun & Play: Productive morning at TS, knocked out a big task and had fun times with the few others working. NSS by 1pm was excellent, nice & people-filled for a while, but before long, everyone was gone and I was alone. Sadness. But it does make me super productive and I was outta there in perfect time to get to PT appt. At home: laziness stretched out near-flat in the recliner, time by the bonfire with hubs & pooches, then off to run in the woods.

Thursday, August 28

Nutrition: I took two cod liver oils this morning. Maybe when I'm feeling this low-grade MEH-ness, that's something to add in.
  • 6a-2 eggs, bacon, 3 toast, coffee w CM
  • 1015-carrot cake super cookies
  • (12-Dustin session)
  • 130-hot dog, sugar snap peas, brownie
  • 5-coconut butter
  • (545-4.5m run)
  • 730-2 toast, egg, bacon, mustard, apple, strawberries
  • calories 2650: p 675, c 825, f 1150

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 88% quality. Up and h/s/g at 230a. Bathroom & water, but stupid racing monkey mind. Got back up to eat some walnuts, and then was able to fall back. I'm pinpointing the brownies I overate at supper; too many sugary calories too close to bed. I think. (My defense: trying to get some damn carbs in.)

Healthy Movement: Felt hungover when I got up: tired, dehydrated, headachey. Frustrating. Got better after breakfast of course, but what gives? Hip felt so good this morning that I almost forgot about PT. (Did it at work after fetching coffee. And just before jumping in the shower. Haven't missed a session yet!) Bonus: realized today that I felt no squat soreness after Tuesday - must be hitting the perfect rep-range on 3 week.

Session went okay; slightly backward everywhere. I wonder if the face full of acne indicates some all-over inflammation, and that's why all of me feels just a little bit effed up lately. And if so, what do I do about it?

Also, allergies. I don't really want to take Benadryl when it's so mild, but I also don't want to be taken by complete surprise at the Superior 100 next weekend and WISH I had some in my system, suffering through sneezes or watery eyes as I run in the dark!

After work, joined the Thursday-night ROUS outing to LCSP. Five of us! Ran 4.5 miles with Monica, and the first 2 miles sucked wind, then it felt good. Light rain, nice & cool, goddamn I love fall running! Left hip never bothered me, right-hip pinch from yoga club did surface, but I think that will disappear quickly, no concerns.

Fun & Play: Session. Productive day. Fabulous time at LCSP.

Temperance: Something I should really celebrate: I have leftover brownies from Saturday. And yesterday (their 5th day in my house) was the first day I actually ate some, and only because I needed carbs & to avoid tossing them, and NOT because I really wanted them, or had been avoiding them, or anything. All week I've been totally uninterested in them, pure apathy.

This goes for most food; I don't usually crave bacon or pork rinds or bread or ice cream or any of it. Even my precious pizza: it's rare that I'm craving it, but 99% that I need some fucking carbs in my system and whole food is falling short. And when I do buckle down and inhale some carbs, it still doesn't turn into a MOAR CARBZ binge like it would've once upon a time. (Often upon many times, in truth.) Thank you, Whole9 life!

Wednesday, August 27

Nutrition: ZOMG, I have friends who bring me gifts of bacon. Delivered right to my desk! Best snack evah! (Rather hilariously timed to be the same day Molly Galbraith emailed about not eating All The Baconz.)
  • 515a-2 eggs, bacon, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 745-Larabar, coffee w coconut milk
  • 945-bacon
  • 12p-chicken, onions & peppers, lettuce, tomatoes, black olives (taco bar, without the taco)
  • 145-half pork jerky
  • (2-blood donation)
  • 3-remaining pork jerky
  • 430-roasted almonds
  • (545-yoga)
  • 630-salad w avocado, 2 toast, 2 brownies 
  • calories 2475: p 625, c 700, f 1150
Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 87% quality. Screaming for Hank to get back inside before bed is not exactly good for the resting. But I was solid. Woke a little h/s/g around 3a or so, but not awake enough to check the time and fell back quickly.

Healthy Movement: The new stretch James added, for the left oblique area, is really helping a LOT. Felt great all morning, though it came back a little after a lot of sitting for meetings. Had yoga club for the first time in MONTHS and I was really looking forward to it, but it was awful. I don't enjoy stretches without first doing some kind of work that makes them feel good, and also I was not able to relax at all into any of these positions. Way too aggressive, and they kind of pissed off my hip flexors on both sides. Bleah.

Fun & Play: Class outside. Bacon delivery & a visit with my Buddy! LAPW luncheon where I met a new-to-town woman who loves trail running and had almost complete disdain for road running. A new pal! Productive work day. Donating blood & saving lives at the same time as my Buddy, for a bonus visit. Hubs made it home.

Temperance: Cunty Internal Voice is being very mean about my current acne outbreak (the source of which, of course, I can't pinpoint). Hard to stop hearing that voice when it's inside your own head, ya know?

Tuesday, August 26

Nutrition:
  • 6a-2 eggs, pork roast, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 830-Larabar
  • 10-pepitas
  • 1115-Larabar (strangely very hungry)
  • (12p-Dustin)
  • 130-tuna w mustard, rice crackers, sugar snap peas
  • 515-lemon super cookies
  • 630-salad w avocado, hot dog
  • calories 2400: p 700, c 650, f 1050

Sleep
: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 95% quality. Not a chance, not at all. Was back up at 945p to yell at Hanky and shut some windows that seemed to be letting in noise that had him jonesing to get outside. Woke at 1230a to a dreaming Lexi who let out this heart-stopping screechy howl. Woke at 430a to a prancing Hanky but was so. tired. that I kept forcing him to lay back down. Yeah, so, more like 65%.

Healthy Movement: PT before leaving home & again before getting ready for bed. (Pets love it. Oh, you're on the floor to play with me!) Dull and very minor ache at top of hip most of the day, no change during session; left shoulder was perfectly fine. Session was okay, not much for progression, but nothing really obviously lacking, no glaring problems. I was strangely feeling a bit shaky and a little low-blood-sugar-like in the beginning, but it went away.

Fun & Play: Cinco de Dustin today! I never would've imagined I'd still be working with him, I was only using him to get back to running without pain, and that's it. Who knew I'd fall so in love with lifting that I'd give up running for it if forced to? Anyway I shared my two sketch runs and gave him a nice card & gift. Sometimes I worry I overdo stuff like that, give too generously and get too emotional & heartfelt, when today wouldn't mean a thing to him otherwise. But then, obviously he will mean more to me than I do to him, he's got a lot more Sabrinas than I do Dustins, so, whatever. He knows he's valued, that's my goal, moving on.
 
A productive work day again, though not exactly the items on my to-do list, more so picking up a task left undone & trying to streamline it before handing it off to its new owner. Which I enjoy doing quite a bit, but the daunting to-do list, it frightens me a little. Silliness at home with dogs, though still torturing Lexi with no fetch due to her limping. Another quiet night without the hubs.

Monday, August 25

Nutrition:
  • 515a-2 eggs, pork roast, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 6-Larabar
  • 945-mixed nuts
  • (12p-3.7m run)
  • 1-tuna w mustard, rice crackers, small apple
  • 6-salad w avocado, hot dog, dinner roll
  • 715-apple w SB
  • calories 2250: p 700, c 650, f 900
Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 930p-5a, 73% quality. Up at 2a for bathroom, water; nearly got back up for food, stomach growling, but managed to fall back first. Weirdly felt h/s/g most of the morning after getting up. Also, I got to wake up Hank today! Payback, sucka!

Healthy Movement: Hip hurts but not severe. Did most of class warm-up, demo'd moves, and did PT afterward. While my hip was still feeling tight, I risked it to log my run which I needed done today so I can give to Dustin tomorrow. Felt okay, hip didn't get worse; but as hot as I got in under-70F, I don't know how the hell I survived yesterday's run. Power of the group, I guess. PT appointment with James where he added a stretch for my left side oblique area, hopefully targeting the upper end of the tightness. Fingers crossed!

Fun & Play: Class was fun, they did Spartacus...I miss doing that with my Buddy! Also I don't know how we did it so often, it looked damn hard to me today. Productive work day. A run that felt good everywhere other than the hip, which is impressive given 8 miles yesterday, which means I'm actually making progress in my training, yee haw! Silent night at home, hubs gone. All the windows open, cool freshness flooding in. Silly sweet pets.

Sunday, August 24

Nutrition:
  • 8a-2 eggs, smoked pork, yam, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 1130-2 hot dogs, SB&J dinner roll, apple w SB
  • 2-iced tea
  • 345-half coconut bar (sat okay but I think I'd eat 1/4 next time)
  • (4-8m run)
  • 530-packet all-natural gummy chews (meant to test them DURING the run)
  • 7-half coconut bar, bag pork jerky
  • Calories 2600: p 900, c 850, f 850
Sleep: 10.5 (!) hours in bed, 915p-745a, 78% quality. Better than that. Took a Benadryl because my itchy eyes were making me insane, and while I hate taking drugs, I don't suppose it's ideal having my system busily freak out over the ragweed. I hoped that would mean super solid sleep, too. Was up at 1a for bathroom, little h/s/g, but I just rearranged my blanket and fell back quickly. Woke around 5a, figured I could doze a little longer, but I was hoping maybe 15 minutes, can't freaking believe I made it until nearly 8! Thank you, sweet Hanky!
  
Healthy Movement: Hip great in morning, so was shoulder, though of course I hadn't done anything yet. Allergies busy though, sneezy & itchy. Weird that I was fine outside yesterday for 8 hours. Maybe I just need to clean my house? So I did, vacuuming up at least another pet's worth of hair. Gross.
 
Afternoon 8m run with Team BK was goddamn brutally hot. We are fucking idiots, and would have died if not for the mid-run cooling downpour. I probably could have used a salt tab, as I was taking in plenty of water (I borrowed Brian's fancy new vest to test it out, unfortunately I loved it!) but also sweating like a piglet; didn't have any on me, but that might have made this feel better. Hip pain came on within 4 miles and while I probably could have done more, this is a time to heal, not to push anything. I want to feel physically awesome for pacing duties, because odds are I'm going to be underslept, and definitely will be struggling on technical trails in the dark, so let's avoid piling on any extra issues, shall we?
 
Fun & Play: Productive morning, and Team BK outing was a fun time despite the struggling. Deer!

Saturday, August 23

Nutrition: Big family reunion picnic today, tons of food I couldn't eat, yet I was so busy visiting and chatting that I didn't have time to feel deprived. Nice! Another big reason I was so satiated was the giant roaster of plain ol' smoked pork, so completely perfect on its own, why would you want a stupid bun?
  • 530a-2 eggs, bacon, yam, 2 toast, hot dog, coffee w coconut milk
  • 9-2 brownies to taste test
  • 1p-pork w bbq sauce, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, 2 brownies
  • 5-sugar snap peas, apple chips
  • 7-pint AZ
  • calories 2350: p 1000, c 1000, f 350

Sleep
: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 80% quality. Felt totally solid.

Healthy Movement: Did some hulking in the AM, avoided having a meltdown over the return of left-shoulder pain, somehow. Also did my PT both morning & night. Hip is feeling significantly better, but tomorrow's run will be more of a test. Stood most of the day at the park, in Xero shoes. I also logged 3 sets of 5 NG pulls on the monkey bars to hit 45 for the day, as well as a few climbs up: twice up the outside of a slide, once up a pole, once up & over a mini-jungle gym (challenges with my monkey-boy cousin Theo). These are things I never could have done as a kid, was fun to be silly with my wee cousins.

Fun & Play: Family fun times. Hours and hours outdoors. Silent night at home.

Friday, August 22

Nutrition: Despite my giant brick of bacon ends & pieces (aka, my favorite food evah), I looked at it this morning and went, "Meh, I don't want bacon today." OMG what's happening to me, AM I DYING?!
  • 530a-2 eggs, hot dog, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 930-chocolate super cookies
  • 1230p-tuna w mustard, rice crackers, sugar snap peas
  • 130-apple chips
  • 330-mixed nuts
  • 615-Daiya pizza, kombucha
  • 8-brownie taste test
  • calories 2750: p 450, c 1850, f 450

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 78% quality. Better than that, more like 95%; solid until I coughed myself awake (allergy season seems to be starting & I'm resisting drugs) & checked the clock at 330a, then happily snuggled back in and slept solidly until Hanky found ants in his pants.

Got very, very tired around 430p when I left NSS. Like, sit in my car, soak up the heat, feel like I could lay back right there to nap: very much like my winter energy level, just completely depleted. This is very strange, because I am getting good sleep, doing fewer workouts than normal, avoiding internalizing work stress...I honestly can't think what else I need to be doing better, and yet feeling like I'm in the mode of barely surviving March marathon training or something. So, for supper, I inhaled a metric fuckton of carbs, thinking that perhaps hovering around 150g for a week is too low to feel good, despite keeping total caloric intake high. Dunno.

Healthy Movement: Hip has improved, now back to just feeling tight. Logged my stretches at 6a & 8p, like a good patient. Rest day, letting the hip heal up from running, and will have time tomorrow morning for hulking. Hip was really cranky after sitting at NSS, better the more I stayed up & moving.

Fun & Play: Quiet work day. Chatting with my Buddy. Solo afternoon at NSS was a little lonesome, but the complete silence, oh, she was a delightful respite. At home I spent my first hour reading in more silence, then logged a little TV while I ate and typed. Then back to the book, which I finished. Happy.

Thursday, August 21

Nutrition:
  • 6a-2 eggs, bacon, yam, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 945-Larabar
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 145-pork jerky, mixed nuts
  • 6-salad w avocado, mixed nuts, hot dog, kombucha
  • calories 2275: p 575, c 600, f 1100

Acne: The weekend's fierce breakout is healing. Looked back and the only new/out of the ordinary thing during the week was a lot of macadamias & cashews - both raw, unsalted, etc. My mixed nuts also contain raw cashews, so perhaps the macadamias? Or the quantity of cashews?

Sleep: 9 (!) hours in bed, 845p-545a, 90% quality. Woke around 3a, fell back easily. Woke to a dancing whining Hank at 4a, let him out, crawled back into bed, feeling certain I could fall back; almost immediately he was scratching to come back inside, so I got up AGAIN to let him in, then did manage to fall back solidly. Happy to get a good long night in; would've been a complete crank had I stayed up at 4a.

Healthy Movement: Aching hip, as bad as it was on Monday after 12 miles. Worried. Searched back and my first mention of it is June 24. So it's been two months and it's getting worse. I decided this means a James visit, given my giant fall running plans. (Doesn't that sound calm & reasonable? In reality, my brain is screaming, "SHIT BALLS AND SHIT STICKS!") Earliest appointment I could get was Tuesday. Yikes.

This morning I deliberately did not pack gear to hit the ROUS track run, certain sprinting is going to make it worse. Session didn't go well; TGU on left side was pinching something in left forearm which prevented any more on that side, and I lost it on right side on a 3rd set, just couldn't keep it controlled. Very frustrating, not a good start to the session at all! Rest was okay, though my pulls went backward by one which of course felt like a giant disappointment but is obviously not. (Poor baby, only did 12 instead of your expected 13. Sorry you're so weak.)

Magically got in to see James at the end of the day since some lovely person canceled while I was with Dustin. Happy voice mail! He deduced that my hip has rotated (again) and I'm tight in the hip capsule (again), and perhaps also a bit weak in the left glute, all of that adding up over 880 left-foot steps per mile. So, 6 stretches/moves every single day, twice per day, see him again next week Monday & Friday. Crossing my fingers, hard. But that man has only not fixed me once (shin fractures), has always got me back out on the trails. I sort of wish I didn't love running so much, though. It doesn't seem to love me very much.

Fun & Play: Productive work day. Session involved Excel chat, Dustin pulled up my bitchin' crewing spreadsheet on his iPad so I know which app to get that will work when we are on the fly on race day. It's gonna be the coolest thing ever. And so, Excel talk IN my session? Happy girl! Quiet evening at home.

Wednesday, August 20

Nutrition:
  • 515a-2 eggs, bacon, yam, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 6-Larabar
  • 945-mixed nuts
  • 1230-tuna w mustard, rice crackers, mixed nuts
  • (445-45min run)
  • 6-salad w avocado, mixed nuts
  • calories 2125: p 350, c 675, f 1100

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 845p-5a, 90% quality. Took a bit to fall asleep, but then was very, very solid. Lovely.

Healthy Movement: Tight Achilles, especially left side, getting out of bed. Achey tight hip flexors and usual squat soreness. Really debated logging my run at noon, assuming I'd be tired & out of steam by the end of the day, but I didn't want to take a long lunch to get it in, easier to just leave early and then be able to head home a sweaty mess. Unfortunately, my careful plotting didn't pan out and one little block ruined my sketch. Tired, hard, frustrating, lotta walking by the finish. Hip right back to the post-long-run level of pain. SHIT. BALLS.

Fun & Play: Class outside on the patio, using my new speaker which is tiny but mighty! Productive morning, happy team members. Made a bitchin' spreadsheet for tracking Brian at Sawtooth. Placed an order with my beloved Ureshii girls, went wild on their sample sale items (thank Bejesus I fit their samples!) for the first time in ages. Fun afternoon meeting. Escaping work early. Hubs gone to maybe buy a camper, so had me a quiet, peaceful eve at home.

Tuesday, August 19

Nutrition:
  • 530a-2 eggs, bacon, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 7-Larabar
  • 945-small apple, mixed nuts
  • 1145-half Larabar
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-summer sausage w rice crackers, half Larabar
  • 6-salad w avocado, mixed nuts, pork jerky
  • calories 2200: p 650, c 600, f 950

Sleep
: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 86% quality. Felt like I woke often, including 1030p, weirdly, but it was solid and full of dreams.

Healthy Movement: Lower legs still extremely tight getting out of bed, but left hip/core area is much improved. Still there, but didn't even think about whether it still hurt until 7a. It felt significantly better after NSS warm-up. Session had a few PRs, very nice! Dustin could see me getting shifty on squats, that left hip flexor area claiming weakness and trying to push the load rightward. Interesting, since it doesn't hurt in the slightest while doing them.

Fun & Play: Session. Productive day. Hammock & book time. 

Stress Management: Somehow the latest work crisis is not affecting my brain, even though it blows up all my carefully-considered plans for the team workload. Grateful, but wondering when it will hit in full force.

Monday, August 18

Nutrition:
  • 5a-2 eggs, hot dog, 2 toast, coffee w CM
  • 6-Larabar
  • 945-Paleo Diet Bar (these are not good, I don't recommend--unless purely for fuel)
  • 1130-few pepitas
  • 1230p-summer sausage, rice crackers, big green apple
  • 330-Larabar
  • 530-2 hot dogs w mustard, SB&J dinner roll
  • 730-mixed nuts
  • calories 2450: p 900, c 750, f 800
Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 78% quality. For once, Hank didn't wake me up...but my alarm did. Bleah.

Healthy Movement: Things ache, big time. I hate doing a long run on a Sunday, leaves me so beat-up for Monday. Tight lower legs, super tight left hip/core (though no longer flinching like yesterday), even a little sharp right knee pain when I demo'd a side lunge in class. Seemed to be the only direction that bothered it, though. Definitely smart enough to avoid Monday downhills, shifting them to Wednesday. Instead I was going to do a special run-a-sketch but I was feeling very unsure that running was a good idea based on how bleah the body was feeling. When I parked at my starting point, I checked the radar which looked bad, so I took that excuse, far too eagerly. Felt weak and lame for doing so.

Fun & Play: Productive work day. A week of salads made. A lovely chunk of time for book reading.

Sunday, August 17

Nutrition:
  • 430a-2 eggs, 2 toast, hot dog, SB&J dinner roll, coffee w coconut milk
  • 615-1/4 Paleo bar
  • (645-30min run)
  • 715-applesauce w salt tab
  • (745-90min run) sweet potato w salt tab 45min in
  • 10-3/4 Paleo bar
  • 145-2 hot dogs, yam, mixed nuts
  • 5-pint Arctic Zero, SB&J dinner roll
  • calories 2475: p 800, c 900, f 775
Acne: Frustratingly, my face began freaking out late yesterday, progressively worse today. What. The. Fuck. 

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 830p-415a, 77% quality. More like 50%. Took me until after 9p to fall asleep; solid until 3a, but dozed until godddamn Hank began storming the castle at goddamn 4a. So tired. Napped post-run, in bed 2.75 hours, 1045a-130p, but I got up at 11 to toss Hank outside, then Hop came home at 1130, then I threw out Lexi at 1145. So at most, one sleep cycle. And I got up cranky.

Healthy Movement: Decided that since I was up stupidly early, I would log my extra hour before Monica came. I got to LCSP dog-tired and not wanting to do it, but once I got out of the car, the cool refreshing air changed me. I only logged a half hour, though, even managing to take a wrong turn despite hundreds of miles at LCSP; then catnapped in the car waiting for Monica. We logged 45 minutes solidly, then arrived back at the cars for her to swap shoes, which was also a good time for me to change shirts (humid), take my fuel, and ditch my empty water bottles. Finished up with another 45 feeling ready to be done, but not totally spent. Still needing to log my weekend upper body effort, I did what I could: 5-4-3-2-1 pulls, rings, chins, spaced about an hour apart. Sorry, bench. Also, left hip/core painfully tight. 

Fun & Play: Solid long run. FIVE deer which included two spotted babies with their mama, made me so so so happy. Nap. Cool weather. Friendly kittehs. Reduced my chore list for the day. 

Saturday, August 16

Nutrition:
  • 730a-2 eggs, 2 toast, much delicious bacon, coffee
  • 12p-salad w chicken & avocado, iced tea 
  • 230-Larabar 
  • 6-quarter chicken, yam, mixed nuts
  • calories 1925: p 625, c 600, f 700

Sleep: No record, but 7 hours in bed, 11p-6a, maybe 60% quality. Woke a lot, too hot and too much light in the place, missed my comfy bed. Napped 4-530p when I found my bed again.

Healthy Movement: Body is stiff as hell. Feet are fat, and from ankles downward both are extremely tight. Too many downhills, I guess. Strolled around Clemens-Munsinger gardens with Amy before lunch, which felt nice, but I didn't have any urge to do more. No workout; had planned on a bench & pull hulking session, but got home only in time to nap, felt bleah after that. 

Fun & Play: Nice morning with my pals, extra time with Amy, then quiet, peaceful laziness at home.

Friday, August 15

Nutrition: A bit much, but meh.
  • 5a-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk 
  • 8-cashews, macadamias
  • 10-Larabar
  • 1130-pork jerky
  • 1230p-2 hot dogs w mustard, grapes, cherries, green beans
  • (2-2hrs canoeing)
  • 545-Larabar 
  • 7-almonds
  • 830-chicken, grapes, cherries, potatoes, zucchini
  • calories 2625: p 1125, c 650, f 850

Sleep: 8 hours in bed,  9p-5a, 74% quality. Decent, just not enough.

Healthy Movement: Lower legs and ankles tight getting out of bed, fine quickly. Right hip flexor is tight, though, painful. Stood all morning at NSS. Canoed for about two hours, arms felt dead weak. Lower body seriously stiff all day. 

Fun & Play: NSS in the morning, lovely friends & a new pooch friend in the evening. Very, very nice for the brain, but...no-bonfire sadness.

Thursday, August 14

Nutrition:
  • 530-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 630-berry Renola, coffee w coconut milk
  • 1015-Larabar
  • 1130-coconut butter
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 115-summer sausage w rice crackers, small apple, macadamias & cashews
  • 415-Larabar
  • 515-applesauce w salt tab
  • (530-downhills)
  • 7-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, 2 toast, cashews & macadamias
  • calories 2475: p 750, c 725, f 1000
Acne: I am shocked to report that my face did not freak out after Saturday's high sugar intake. Really surprised by this.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 88% quality. Solid as a rock until Hank's 430a antics. He sounds like an elephant galloping through the house, even through my ear plugs. Such a jerk. I managed to keep dozing back out which was nice. Still, I'd like to wake up fully rested for once, without having to go to bed at 7p or something.

Healthy Movement: Achilles super tight, never stretched post-run yesterday. Dummy! Also, yesterday's slow pace must have dramatically changed my gait, because the skin on my feet is all kinds of messed up. Session went really damned well, despite mental bleah. Ran downhills with ROUSers after work, while they ran up, so I ran one final up. Thinking next time I will run up for a few and then switch to down on tired-ish legs and see what that means for my form and IT bands.

Fun & Play: Productive work day. Session PRs. Hill time fun time.

Wednesday, August 13

Nutrition:
  • 5a-2 eggs, 2 toast, 3 chicken sausage, coffee w coconut milk
  • 730-Larabar, coffee w coconut milk
  • (1115-5.6m run)
  • 1p-hot dog, yam, cashews & macadamias
  • 330-Larabar
  • 630-chef salad, pork jerky
  • calories 2175: p 875, c 700, f 600
Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 930p-5a, 81% quality. In late due to hubs (trucking this week, gone since 4a Monday), but solid until 430a, which seems to be around the time he left (won't see him again until Thursday night), as Lexi started barking. At something outside, as she was inside. I just yelled at her because it was all I could manage to do. Dozed until the alarm started buzzing at me. This is getting to be a problem.

Healthy Movement: Things feel better, left knee significantly improved in class warm-up compared to Monday, but still gave me a jolt or two. Run with David Kuhn was slow, easy, and amazing. IT band a little angry at the pace, and skin super angry at the blister, but oh well. Super totally worth it to meet David and run with him. He is an amazing soul.

Fun & Play: Great morning at work. Amazing run at noon. Amazing. An overused word that couldn't be more appropriate. Productive afternoon. Errands check done. Fetch with Lexi and a quiet supper followed immediately by Stop! Hammock time! Nothing beats my quiet, peaceful yard. Maybe hearing a trickling stream, but that's about it. Happiness.

Tuesday, August 12

Nutrition:
  • 530a-1 egg, 2 toast, 1 hot dog, coffee w coconut milk
  • 630-Larabar
  • 730-coffee w coconut milk
  • 9-pumpkin seeds, coffee w coconut milk
  • (12p-Dustin session)
  • 130p-hot dog, yam
  • 215-Renola
  • 4-coconut butter, apple
  • 630-salad w avocado, dinner roll
  • 7-pint Arctic Zero (outside on the deck, happiness)
  • calories 2250, p 675, c 650, f 925
Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-515a, 67% quality. I wouldn't call it THAT bad, but at midnight Miss Lexi barked me awake, also scary because I was home alone and her bark sounds vicious, but I shall blame the full moon and active deers (not so pretty at midnight, folks). Let pooches outside to investigate, hit the bathroom, feeling h/s/g, but too tired to even drink some water. I was a zombie girl walking. 

And despite the midnight romp, Mr Hanky wanted out at 430a as per usual. What a dickhead! I kept yelling NO at him and managed to doze off for some time, in/out until finally fully awake at 515a. Tired.

Healthy Movement: My feet really ache, and I don't know why. I'm a little concerned about that. It shouldn't be related to the miles, which are not that high, but if I factor in how stressful the last month has been, it makes more sense. I guess. Still, strength level at session was awesome; disappointed at having a deload when I feel that good.

Fun & Play: Leaving a surprise treat for my Buddy, and thus also getting to chat with the always-lovely MB. And having two more trips to their area to say hi! Emailing with my Timmy. Session with my Buddy (but last one for a while: sadness, boo, hiss, waaaaaahhh!) followed by Timmy. Super huge efficiency created at work, something that will make everyone involved SO happy. Quiet night at home, fetch with pooches and reading time in the sunshine in my amazing yard. 

Monday, August 11

Nutrition: Finally found my bread at Pete's...bought four loaves...addict maybe?

~~~3a-bit of Renola
~~~515-2 eggs, hot dog, half yam, coffee w coconut milk
~~~6-remaining Renola
~~~915-Larabar
~~~12p-fruit leather bar thingy
~~~(1215-lunch run)
~~~115-summer sausage w rice crackers, small banana
~~~345-ginger super cookies
~~~6-salad w avocado, macadamias & cashews, bootch
~~~calories 2350: p 525, c 1025, f 800

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 76% quality. Wide awake, h/s/g at 230a, fought it for a while but eventually got up for bathroom, water, Renola. Fell back fairly quickly after I finally did that. In/out several times 4a onward. 

Possibly woke to husband leaving, so he says, but I don't recall it. In fact, when I left home, I thought he was sleeping in the living room yet. I was almost out of sight when I realized his car wasn't outside, thus he must be gone, thus I better get my ass back home and put those dogs outside! Whew, can't even imagine the mess I'd have found if both pooches were left inside all day.

Really tired about 3p. Attended funeral of father of my new direct report, and all that sitting made me sleeeepeeee.

Healthy Movement: Body is rather bleah: left knee pain, left hip/core tightness, left foot sore. The knee even bothered me when doing standing Ts in the class warm-up. Yikes. It also flared up a little on the noon run, both uphill and downhill. What the hell is going on, please? I stretched the crap out of the lower legs post-run, left one quite a bit tighter. Weird, usually my chain of pain is on the right side. 

Fun & Play: Girls-only class. Sunny lunch run. Chatting with Brian about his weekend & 100 plans. Reading at home outside with the pooches (and flies, but oh well). Going to bed with the windows open: delicious.

Sunday, August 10

Nutrition: I ran out of my bread yesterday. Apparently, so did Elden's. Waaaaaah!
  • 7-2 eggs, 2 hot dogs, half sweet potato, coffee w CM
  • 8-bit of applesauce 
  • (9-1hr run)
  • During run-applesauce w Elete tab
  • 1130-pork jerky, coffee
  • 1p-lime coconut chips, kombucha
  • 330-Larabar 
  • 7-2 hot dogs, half sweet potato, apple w SB
  • calories 2200: p 925, c 775, f 500
Sleep: 9.25 (!) hours in bed, 930p-645a, 99% quality. Not that good, but completely solid until Hank woke me to go outside at fucking 4am. But I saw the hubs was still out in the living room with the light on*, so I shooed Hank away, so tired I couldn't care about my toddler dog's bladder. Hop (*trying to shift his sleep/wake schedule to match trucking this upcoming week) apparently let him out & then came to bed, but I never felt or heard that. Woke naturally, shocked to see it was 645a, but also sad I couldn't sleep later, too much to get done. Tired girl.

Healthy Movement: Had very low expectations for my run, which is good, because it didn't turn out long at all. I almost didn't even go, but I have a big promise to Brian that I will fulfill in 4 short weeks. I had some vague hope that the cloudy drizzly coolness and yesterday's massive calorie intake would allow for some magic, but it didn't happen. Too tired, too mentally stressed from the overbooked weekend, left knee pain that hasn't recovered from last weekend's hills, and general BLEAH led me to decide to make it my favorite LCSP loop, with an SHT training strategy, and as long as I finished having fun, I would be a success. After swallowing a bug at only 3/4 mile, I was worried about omens, but it went fine. Body felt like it probably could have pulled off more, but my brain was completely uninterested despite feeling quite a bit happied by the nature, especially the deer sightings.

Sat rest of day (NSS work, home bill paying), and left core/hip area was tight again, left knee a bit crankier. Ugh. So I think it was the right call, and I'm sad that I am feeling so BLEAH, but I'm only at an inkling of how things felt this winter, so I'm sure getting my sleep back together will get me normal in no time.

Did 11 sets of 3 NG pulls at NSS over my 5 hours there; after a few boring rounds I devised a game: sprint from office door to squat rack, do 3 pulls, sprint back! CJ's stopwatch told me my best time was 19.58 seconds. Pretty sure CJ could beat that on his first try, but it was a good way to make it a fun challenge and take away thinking about whether the pulls were hard or not. At home I did another 3x3 to finish the day at 42. And all of them are bonus pulls, because I already had 3 days for the week. Boom!

Fun & Play: Deer. Nature. Good work done at NSS, plus left some love notes & treats. Quiet time at home. 

Saturday, August 9

Nutrition: Stupidly high for a rest day, for any day besides a 50k day! Mainly due to low sleep leading to low willpower leading to All Teh Carbz, but it really and truly comes down to poor planning. Anyway, maybe all of this will help me pull a long run out of my ass tomorrow.
  • 5a-1 egg, buncha bacon, 2 toast, sweet potato, coffee w coconut milk
  • 6a-Larabar
  • 8a-Larabar
  • 1115a-Larabar
  • 130p-summer sausage w rice crackers, fruit, pickles, GF apple cake, kohlrabi
  • 445-chocolate coconut crisps 
  • 645-Daiya pizza
  • calories 3800: p 475, c 2875, f 650
Sleep: 6.5 hours in bed, 10p-430a, 70% quality. Took a while to fall asleep, in late due to wine bar fun times, and up early due to Hanky and his stupid new habit. Hoped I'd get in a nap, but no time.

Healthy Movement: Body still feels surprisingly good. Spent about 8 hours cleaning chickens, felt fine but I hit goddamn tired about 4p. Luckily we were nearly finished, just in clean-up mode at that point. (Still, last year I think I was back home by 4p. Not enough helpers this year.)

Fun & Play: Knocked out Dad's bookkeeping in record time. Chicken massacre meant hanging with my cousin's family of 8, kids who are getting to know me better and are so damned adorable and fun. Then a quiet & refreshing night at home with my boy and critters. Also, pizza.

Friday, August 8

Nutrition:
  • 5a-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, bacon, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 630a-almonds
  • 930a-mixed nuts
  • (1215p-lifting)
  • 2-2 hot dogs, bag apple chips
  • 5-Larabar
  • 6-Larabar 
  • 7-wine bar treats (olives, almonds, grapes, strawberry)
  • 9-apple, hot dog
  • calories 2075: p 600, c 575, f 900
Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 81% quality. I was wide awake 2-230a or so, overheated and nearly got up, but too tired and fell back. Was super solidly out until Hop shook me awake to deal with the pooch at 445a. That goddamn dog and his goddamn tiny bladder!

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good. Given the max squats & bench on Tuesday, followed immediately by another session Wednesday morning, this is pretty amazing. Had a hulking session down in the Well with my beastly Buddy. It went really well, was wishing I'd gone heavier on the bench because it felt so good. What a problem! Dips felt kind of awful though, like everything was too tight to be doing them.

Fun & Play: Productive day. Lifting with my Buddy. Wine bar with some truly lovely women.

Stress Management: No leaving early today from TS, as I spent the afternoon trying to help a coworker with the task I gave him, feeling dumb and frustrated and helpless when I wasn't much assistance at all. Squeezed in 45 minutes of NSS work before going to the wine bar, and will return on Sunday after my run, I guess. Bleah.

Thursday, August 7

Nutrition:
  • 5a-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, 2 toast, few sl bacon, coffee w coconut milk
  • 6-Larabar
  • 945-roasted salted almonds
  • 11-more almonds
  • 1215p-25min run
  • 145p-sardines w mustard, rice crackers, banana, bootcha
  • 515-Larabar
  • 545-3m run
  • 7-shitty Cobb salad (Depot, I am so done with you)
  • 830-beef hot dog
  • calories 2250: p 650, c 850, f 750
Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 9p-430a, 77% quality. About right. Weirdly, the graph shows me being awake like 2-330a, but I was basically out cold. Cats, maybe?

But here's the really dumb thing. Explain these % ratings, someone, please?

I think the left night looks a lot better than the right night, PLUS longer. So what the hell with the %?

Healthy Movement: Class warm-up felt great. Did some extra rows beyond demonstration purposes, just because I love. Lunch run covered the disc golf course route. Evening restaurun with ROUSers was a little more of a push than I've done in a while - felt good to do that. 

Fun & Play: Saw two baby deer on my drive to work. Fun class on the back patio - saw another deer back in the field! Super productive work day. Two good runs. Hanging with some of my favorite ROUSers.

Wednesday, August 6

Nutrition:
  • 5a-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, 2 toast, coffee w coconut milk
  • 6a-Larabar, coffee
  • (8a-Dustin session)
  • 945a-bag apple chips, coffee, 8 Reese's Pieces (score!!)
  • 1p-tuna w mustard, rice crackers
  • 230 (when I actually got to finish my tuna!)-lemon super cookies
  • 6-salad w avocado, kombucha, 2 toast to soak up the leftover blueberry balsamic vinegar
  • 715-pint AZ
  • calories 2275: p 625, c 1100, f 650
 
Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 830p-445a, 36% quality. Went to bed super early and it took a while to fall asleep. Wide awake 1230-130a or so; got up for water, cashews, bathroom but still took a while to fall back: monkey mind in full effect. Dozed maybe 415a onward. Got up feeling like maybe 70%, definitely not 36%. Graph doesn't even look that bad, I don't understand that rating.

Healthy Movement: Little tight all over. Had my 12p Thursday session today at 8a, as Dustin will be in CA by my normal time. That is a little tough, two sessions just 20 hours apart - yet I smoked it! However, training early in the day makes the afternoon take forever. I much prefer the lunch workout, breaks the day up nicely: coming back to just 3-4 more work hours is obviously a shit-ton better than 8 more!

Fun & Play: Productive day. Session. Chatting some with my Buddy. Almost two hours sitting outside reading, birds chirping, cats investigating, dogs fetching. It doesn't get much better than that for this girl.

Tuesday, August 5

Nutrition: I was oddly not hungry this morning as I sat down to my favorite meal. It felt like a chore to eat. That's WEIRD for this girl.
  • 5a-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, half sweet potato, 2 toast, coffee w/ coconut milk
  • 6a-Larabar
  • 845-Larabar
  • 11-roasted salted almonds
  • 12p-Dustin session
  • 130-can tuna w mustard, rice crackers, Larabar (#3! redonk.)
  • 530-salad w avocado, summer sausage w rice crackers, kombucha
  • calories 2375: p 600, c 1025, f 750
Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 68% quality. Eh, I'd call it better than that, though not a whole lot. Fought with Clyde several times, and this morning I figured out why: no cat food last night. Since I wasn't home until 820p I had assumed everyone was fed, but while the hubs can remember to feed the dogs (because they will never let him forget), he NEVER feeds the cats. What the hell, man?

Healthy Movement: A little stiff in the AM, still right ham, and left core has now returned a little bit, too. Weird. Session went pretty great, fun times that included my two best beasties, plus chatting with Holea afterward. Left low back a little whiny late afternoon. 

Fun & Play: Massively productive day at work. Excellent progress all around on the team! Session with all my favorites. Time at home to finally assemble my Xero Shoes. 


Still gotta trim, took a while to commit to the tying style I liked.
 

Monday, August 4

Nutrition:
  • 5a-2 eggs, 3 chicken sausage, 2 toast, .5 sweet potato, coffee w/ CM
  • 6a-Larabar
  • 1015a-green apple, roasted almonds
  • 1215p-run
  • 115p-tuna w mustard, rice crackers, mixed nuts
  • 6-pork jerky, Larabar
  • 815-Larabar 
  • calories 2450: p 775, c 825, f 750
Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 70% quality. That's weird; felt more like 90%. I slept solidly, woke naturally around 430a; I could've used a little longer because I was fully capable of snuggling back in, but I got up feeling nicely rested.

Healthy Movement: Finally my hammies are not screaming at me. Still tight, but not so immediately painful. Class warm-up felt good. Downhills at lunch; felt left Achilles when on leftward slant, felt right ham more than left, though now that has shifted to the back, from the outside ham. Mmmm, ham.

Fun & Play: Class was fun. HUGE work victory as a massive effort reconciled. Hooray! Relay meeting, and time to kill before it, spent reading an old Excel training manual. Nerd alert!

Sunday, August 3

Nutrition: I remember why it sucks to share food logs: I'm well aware that my toast is made from grain-, dairy-, and soy-free tapioca bread, but no one else is. Well, this ain't for them anyway. If some fool wants to know, they can always ask.
  • 530-eggs, sausage, sweet potato, toast, coffee w coconut oil
  • 9-kombucha
  • 10-Larabar 
  • 1145-mixed nuts
  • 1230p-chef salad topped w salsa
  • 5-SB&J bun, pork rinds w salsa
  • 7-pint AZ
  • 2100 calories: 775p, 775c, 550f
Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 81% quality. Took a bit to fall asleep, but was super solid after that. Slept like a champ! No hubs, and I woke before the pets: magic. Sleepy around 5p, realized I was hungry. Energy returned after eating...imagine that.

Healthy Movement: Right ham still upset and tight. Rest feels good. Did 7 sets of 6 pulls at NSS throughout the morning, worried that I wouldn't have time for proper lifting session. I did have time for some hulking after all, but not nearly enough. On the bench I changed technique to what Dustin talked about on Tuesday, and I loved how it felt. Cool!

Fun & Play: Hanging with two old friends. We saw a fantastically fun play (Disenchanted) filled with my favorite messages about the bullshit of princess life, happily ever after, and all that nonsense, and it was also hilarious. Time to read in the backyard on a lovely night.

Saturday, August 2

Nutrition: Sometimes I still get caught up in worrying that I eat too much. Today I was at 1725 after my lunch. Jeez, once upon a time that was my tally for the day, maybe even only for a high day. And yet, I put on ten fucking miles this morning, so why I earth would I EVER think that 1725 was enough? Because I was told that by all the experts. Well, fuck them! Here I am proving them wrong. I might not be skinny, but I'm definitely not the lard ass that I was told I'd become if I am eating 2500 calories per day.
  • 530a-eggs, chicken sausage, toast, sweet potato, coffee w coconut oil (and more coffee)
  • 730-fruit leather/bar
  • (during 2.5h run-only water & 2 salt tabs)
  • 10-banana, mixed nuts
  • 145p-eggs, bacon, toast, sweet potato, coffee, kombucha
  • 5-pint AZ 
  • 730-summer sausage w/ rice crackers, carrot cake super cookies
  • 2500 cal, 500p/1300c/650f
Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 86% quality. Felt solid as hell. Tried to nap after my post-run shower, but I just dozed in/out for an hour.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling those bitching hamstrings, still. It's been 4 days! Didn't know how much to expect out of the long trail run, and desperately wanted to avoid beating myself up if it sucked, knowing odds were against it being anything above mediocre. Almost immediately I saw this hole in the dirt, and visualized stuffing my cunty internal self into it. And as I ran off, I told myself she was there forever. There wouldn't be (and there wasn't!) chatter from her on this run to tell me I suck for not killing the hills, or miles, or any of it. I decided to go after just two big rocks: time on feet, and downhill form. It worked out well, and this was a good balance of both physical & mental needs. It felt great to be moving, even when it got hot and hilly, and I was madly, madly, madly in love with GLSP all over again. That $25 park pass was worth $2500 today. Rest of the day, tight in left core again, and right outer hammy worse than the others.

Fun & Play: Great run outing. Feeling myself again. Almost-nap. Deer in the backyard. Bacon! Bunch of fun with my goddaughter Emma: racing go-karts and eating at CherryBerry (I bought a pint of AZ from the Grain Bin like a goddamn GENIUS so we ate "ice cream" together outside). Husband planted trees in the yard - some day we'll have mighty oaks shading us! Quiet night at home after getting bills paid.

Nature: I haven't the words to fully describe what today's GLSP visit did for me. When I reached what I call the "bliss spot," the locale that everyone who's ever been there absolutely falls in love with, I was in tears (of happiness). I knew I needed nature, but I had absolutely no idea just how much it could do for me. I was utterly overwhelmed. I walked slowly through that spot, just absorbing it, feeling the love, opening up.

Mother Nature wrapped her arms around me, touched her forehead to mine, and whispered her certainty into my very soul: it's going to be okay.

Of course it is.

If ever there was a place that exudes the meaning of Namaste, there it is. It is there.

Friday, August 1

Nutrition: Food log time, bitchez! If this doesn't get you to stop reading my bullshit, nothing will.
  • 545a-eggs, toast, chicken sausage, bacon, sweet potato, coffee w coconut oil
  • 8a-coffee with coconut milk
  • 1030a-Larabar, MOAR COFFEE
  • 130p-Larabar
  • 430-mixed nuts
  • 6-Daiya pizza, kombucha
  • 2525 calories, 300p/1575c/750f (I very roughly estimate all this)
This is more than needed today, but I'm playing catch-up and also eating ahead for tomorrow's run. 

Acne: Rather fierce right now. I suspect it's all the Larabars adding up to too much sugar. Once again, I am struggling big time to fuel all my activities without sugar.

Sleep: 9.5 (!) hours in bed, 8p-530a, 79% quality. Actually seemed better than that; I woke at midnight & 2a, but then not again until Hanky demanded me at 530a. God fucking damn, did I need that. I still got up tired and cranky, still not myself, but physically better at least.

Healthy Movement: Left Achilles was still concerningly tight getting out of bed. Both hamstrings are now so GD tight that they hurt as I walk. Rest day was on the docket regardless, in anticipation of the long run tomorrow. I'm thinking Glacial Lakes, far enough away to force me into a long time out there, even if I'm just walking to get the time in. Plus, it's always utterly empty of people, pure peace & quiet. No fucking lawn mowers or panting-in-my-face dogs! I did log a tiny short walk with Holea and Mitzi, though probably not even a mile, as The Mitz kept overheating and diving into the shaded grass.

Fun & Play: Not much until late, finally a quiet evening, reading, enjoying the yard & weather. 

Stress Management: I broke again today. It was another frustrating day of work, just angry with the immense amount of work, upset with myself at being unable to tell the CFO how frustrated I am (purely because I would've started bawling), being asked a million questions so I can't get my pile done, being incapable of helping someone (to whom I gave a giantly important task) when I should be able to help him because the tasks used to be done by my own direct report. (Her old lead would've been more than capable of helping!) Shit like that.

Then I left early; it was a couple hours later than my usual Friday early-out time, it was after logging a full 7 hours, also after logging 40 for the week by yesterday, yet I still felt guilty.

I went to NSS, desperately wanting to avoid going in on Sunday, as I really need some down time, obviously so. But Dustin kicked me out. He had a big-ass problem person coming in to deal with, and didn't want me there for it. While I definitely didn't want to be there for it either, I was fucking crushed. I get to feel guilty for ditching TS early and then I can't even get my NSS work done?! Lose-lose. 

Tried to salvage it by walking with Holea, but that was all her unloading on me about this problem person. Again, understandingly so, actually a scary situation and she was quite worked up & worried, but it was more on my shoulders (because of course I absorb her feelings and carry them as my own) that I simply couldn't carry. I cried all the way home, once again a broken, shattered disaster.

The hubs was home to soothe me and I tried to get my shit together. I realized I'd had little water and not nearly enough food, had missed lunch entirely. So I mowed down some mixed nuts and then went digging for real grub, only to drive to the Grain Bin for a junk-food shopping fiesta. Hence, the pizza, which was exactly needed. 

That worked to turn my brain around some. I was in a better place after that, even hung out on the deck, played fetch with Lexi, didn't scream at anyone or cry anymore. So that was a plus. Still, it was tenuous. I wished I had worked at TS longer, or did my NSS work in Steve's office, or came home to nap instead of walking with Holea, etc.

And here I go into a busy weekend. Wish me luck.

Thursday, July 31

Nutrition: Pork jerky, why must you be so expensive? I want to eat you every single delicious day. (Hey, remember the fun: tomorrow = food logs, stay tuned!)

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 64% quality. Weirdly rated, the graph is better than that; it felt more like 80%. I made it all the way to 4a before waking up, and I was able to keep dozing. Wish I could have gone even longer, though. Brain is still struggling.

Healthy Movement: Still a little extra achey & tight in lower legs. Session went well but the stress is very obviously having an impact.

Wish I had the ability to go run at LCSP to relieve this stress, but I knew I was far too mentally and physically wiped. I desperately need more recovery. So tonight's plan: book + hammock. Sorry, ROUSers!

Fun & Play: Plans to hook up with old friends on Sunday for lunch and a play! Downside: no time for a nap. (Also, Sunday I gotta do hair & makeup, what the hell?) The day improved from a shit attitude early on. Thanks mainly to Dustin, and awesome TS coworkers.

Temperance: No ability to work NSS until sometime this weekend, when it'll be silent and no fun. 

One thing that's going well is that I'm not beating myself up. I'm just hating on my job, not me, so that's a very nice bonus, for once. 

At least, that was true until evening. 

Stress Management: At home in the hammock, I was so perfectly comfortable, on a beautiful night, not hot, slightest of breezes and happiest of chirping birds; it could not have been a better setting for hammocking...except the husband was mowing. And mowing. When I needed absolute peace and quiet more than anything, more than ANYTHING, EVER, ANYWHERE, the noise of the mowing completely broke me. 

I don't mean I cracked. I mean that it totally 100% fucking shattered me. 

So I went in to shower at 645pm, hoping he'd be done by the time I was out so that I could hammock in quiet. He was and I did, except for the slimy wet ball that Lexi kept dropping on me, then hovering over me, panting in my face, waiting for me to throw it. Each time I did, she brought it back. Even if I yelled at her to go lay the fuck down.

So I got back out and threw her stupid ball in the house, then crawled back in, where she stood over me, panting, wondering where her ball was and when I was gonna throw it. Poor sweet beloved pooch, I hated her completely & thoroughly at that time.

And because I got so angry at her...I of course got angry with myself for being so entirely incapable of handling this stress. 

I mean, doctors lose and save lives, on no sleep at the end of 36-hour shifts, then go home to their needy children, and they don't fall apart screaming at them; but I have an overwhelming month in the Finance world, and the fucking mower and a panting dog slay me?!

Why do I have zero capacity for stress?

Why am I so emotionally tied to everything I do?

Why do I take on the weight of the world?

Why can't I handle this?

Why can't I put the motherfucking glass of water down??

I gave up and packed up the hammock and at 745p, I took a Benadryl and crawled into bed like a weak child needing escape.