Friday, June 6

Nutrition: Had to eat snacks for supper because I was working until 850p; that's practically my bedtime, yo!

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 91% quality. Didn't actually fall asleep until 10p or so, but then was damned solid until 5a.

Healthy Movement: Achilles a bit tight first off right out of bed, but fine as the day passed. Upper back got tight as the day went on, pretty bad by eve, likely due to long work day. Noon walk-to-run was lovely, sunshine and happy newbs. Tried to hit hills with Holea but needed to unload a ton of brain vomit, and so we only made it once before we decided to walk. Disappointing because that one run up felt fantastical, but hey, my friend really needed to vent, so I took that trade-off.

Fun & Play: Half day at TS. Run in sunshine. Holea time, also in sunshine. Afternoon at NSS. It got really long, 6.75 hours vs the usual 3.5-4, but it was for good reasons. Bonfire time at home, loving my life.

Stress Management: Spent the morning updating my team members' journals, first time in over two months. Lots of disappointing attendance by one of my peeps, and now I'm adding problems with performance. Frustrated, because this is a super smart person who just doesn't seem all that invested in work. I can understand not adoring your job, and I don't expect most people to devote all their time and energy to work (that's a shitty life plan unless you're temporarily building a business up, or whatever), but I can't understand not caring to do your very best. It has nothing to do with the job and everything to do with you. I'm not a person who half-asses anything, and I struggle with those who half-ass everything.

Temperance: Got an invite to an NSS outing that involves boating and surfing (um, no to this piece, you want me to die?) and stand-up paddleboarding. At first I was beyond pumped, LOVE spending time with those folks, but then I wondered if the email I got was actually an invite or just a heads-up, based on the weird way the header looked. And a part of me felt relieved at the thought of not being invited, not having to deal with the self-conscious body-image angst that is bound to join in.

I. Hate. That.

With every fiber of my being, I want to eradicate that angst from my head. From everyone's head. I don't want anyone to let stupid fucking body image bullshit stop them from enjoying time with their people.

I know full well that they don't care what I look like, but...I do. I want to look perfect. I don't like to show off my lack of perfection. And yet smarter, wiser me DOES want everyone to see it, so that I can see that they don't fucking care, and I can stop thinking they do.

I am still struggling so very much to be the person who is confident in who she is, and doesn't use her physical image to define her self-worth. I want to be that person. I am trying to be that person. It's a long, arduous battle. But it will be worth it.

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