Sunday, June 29

Nutrition: Once again, came in exactly where I should be, without even trying.

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 10p-645a, 92% quality. No. Woke at 3a h/s/g, got up for bathroom, water, macaroon, put whining Hank out. Back up at 430a to let whining/scratching Hank in. Back up at 7a, just awake. Helps put a tiny dent into my deficit. Could not get in a proper nap, but I dozed in/out at end of movie around 5pm.

Healthy Movement: Since I'm still recovering from rotten sleep, I decided to take a third straight rest day. I did take my KB with me all over - to the mailbox was my longest, but I grabbed it every time I got up from the desk, even if only going to switch laundry in the next room. Until noon. Nothing in afternoon, besides remembering sets of 5 ring pullups every time I went past. Felt tough. Ready to get back to normal schedule and feel good again.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Chores accomplished. Family time outside. Lazy time. TV time. Sunshine.

Saturday, June 28

Nutrition: Again fine, again impressive given the day's chaos. Thoroughly enjoyed second-breakfast at Trav's with Holea.

Sleep: 5.75 hours in bed, 10p-345a, 64% quality. Nope, even worse: basically awake at 3a, mind racing non-stop. Did get a nap in around 130-330p.

Healthy Movement: Morning at race meant a lot of running around and carrying and chaos. After that, laziness. Napping, fetch, standing to watch burnouts, that's about it. Felt like being outside but didn't feel like doing anything.

Oh wait, I did decide to figure out how I could do TGUs in the yard. It works! I only did a few, though, and called it good 'nuff.

I can't upload the whole video, but this about sums it up.

Fun & Play: Race day. Wonderful volunteers that made my heart swell. Races went off with no major catastrophes. Trav's breakfast with Holea. Nap time. Fetch. TGU experiment. A burnout party in front of Jack's cemetery, which was pure redneck hilarity. Sidewalks visit with some old friends, briefly.

Stress Management: Race day chaos. Lack of sleep. Lot of coffee. Little bit of hating myself over not being invited to a certain someone's birthday party, feeling unloved and left out.

In the eve, I had to decide between hanging out with old friends in memory of Jack on his birthday (which meant staying up really late and being really shot tomorrow), or going home and seeing none of them (which meant getting decent sleep to work at that now-immense deficit). I wanted so desperately to do BOTH.

When Hop suggested I go to the party tonight but sleep tomorrow, skipping the birthday party for his family at noon, I said, "But I'd rather go to THAT party!" which gave me my answer. I realized I'd truly rather go see the Hoppe family, play with the little ones, bring my happy dogs to see their "cousins," than to hang out in the woods watching everyone else drink and feel how much I have changed and how little this pack of friends & I still have in common. I wish I could do both, but I know I could not. So Hop brought me home, where I knew I was doing the right thing, but continued to feel sorry for myself.

Friday, June 27

Nutrition: Pretty much right where I needed to be, which is impressive as hell, given my schedule for the day.

Sleep: 6.5 hours in bed, 930p-4a, 72% quality. Sound, but wide awake at 4a. Mostly thinking about race stuff. 

Healthy Movement: Stiff lower legs getting out of bed. Sat all morning at NSS, then standing all afternoon at LAE events, including tent set-up and tent destruction and a lot of carrying and running around, sometimes literally.

Fun & Play: NSS all morning. LAE events. A dozen of my walk-to-runners did the 5k. One who did not is injured, but she told me that she's picked a new 5k in a couple months that's she's determined to complete. MAKES ME SO HAPPY. I really and truly did change worlds with the walk-to-run idea. So very proud of them all!!

Stress Management: Not good. Not enough sleep kept me low about the earlier stress of the week; relied on caffeine to keep me going all day; the event itself was stressful; plus weather gave a heart-attack level of chaos at 4pm, right as things were coming together for runners to show up. But, mostly happy stress, and I think I managed to stay happy & up for others. Missed Carly's party, though, as I had to get home and prep for the next day, plus get up stupid-early. Felt badly for ditching.

Thursday, June 26

Nutrition: So glad I had groceries to stock my long day, as I only had one Larabar today, not four! Yaaay real food!!!!
Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 72% quality. Woke when Hop came home at 11p and took a while to fall back, woke often 3a onward. Basically felt awake since 4a. All the critters were restless or noisy jerks. I guess having the windows open, while great sleeping temps & good for the utility bill, is not a good plan for keeping in-house pets sound asleep. I also haven't been using my ear plugs for the past week or so, as they have been hurting my ear canals. I must need smaller plugs. I don't know.
Healthy Movement: Very tight legs getting out of bed; not surprising, given each run this week was in Vibrams. Legs sore from squats. All parts stiff when moving after sitting. Solution: no sitting! Session went well other than pulls feeling too hard - given my mental & physical fatigue, very impressive. 
Fun & Play: Long, slow breakfast. Another $620 raised for Relay in one day, including three friends who donated a second time: I know the most amazing people. LAE work (which also falls under "stressful" if I'm being honest). 

Wednesday, June 25

Nutrition: More calories. All of them, in fact! 4 Larabars in one day again. Barf. Luckily, an eve trip to Elden's stocked me up with better options.

Sleep: 6.75 hours in bed, 915p-4a, 76% quality. More like 50%. Took at least 45 minutes to fall asleep due to fervently hating myself for being so pathetically delicate, and was wide awake at 3a. Got up, put a whining time-confused Hank outside, hit bathroom, water, macaroon, and went back to bed. And could NOT even come close to falling asleep. At all. Tried and tried, and when I ended up back in the cycle of hating myself, I gave up and got up.

This is all cortisol going apeshit. Not enough sleep, not enough calories, crying jags, and getting super worked up over my life. However, with a 630am class, there were no options other than "Suck it up, buttercup."

Healthy Movement: Taught class outside on the patio, and the little bit of warm-up & demonstrating felt good. Feeling yesterday's squats a little lot bit. Ran 28 minutes at noon, at a slow 10:00 pace that felt much harder than it should have. Legs okay, but was panting harder than felt proper. Timmy joined and that was lovely, and it helped her too, thus  even more lovely! Gave blood right after lunch, yes, yes, I know I'm a genius with the physical overdoing it, but a superhero's gotta do what a superhero's gotta do. 

Evening run was slow but delightful. I tried running while nose-breathing, and that pace felt less awkward and more "go all day" lovely. Gawd, people, I am so proud of what we have done with this group. A quote that went onto my Vision Board several months ago:
"Don't change the world. Change worlds." (Francis of Assisi)
I think know we've done that here. We have turned a tiny 1% of Alexandria into new runners, but for those people, these 8 weeks could prove to be life-changing. As the program was for me when I first did it, 6 years ago.

I hit 500 miles with today's lunch run. I've never hit more than 800 in a year, and I'm on track to exceed 1000, thanks to training for the T&S and WD50k. And loving fall running. 6/25 last year, I was at 306.49. I guess that helps make up for being 25% behind on pull-ups.

Fun & Play: Class outside. LAE volunteer stuff. Running with Lisa. 500 miles. Saving lives. Happy new runners. My Buddy.

Tuesday, June 24

Nutrition: Felt junky enough in my session (easily fatigued, even a little shaky toward the end) that I went back to look at my morning intake: 800-ish calories, but very few carbs (toast & a Larabar at breakfast, that's it). Will not be doing that again!
Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 930p-5a, 82% quality. In late due to LAE meeting. Woke a couple times, but always back easily, then in/out 430a onward thanks to dogs. A/C was two degrees lower (73F) than prior nights, and I think that's gotta be my new standard.

I'm going to focus on recovery. Sleep is consistently my biggest, most important, most accurate marker. So, if I didn't get a good night, I'm easing back my workouts that day. Less physical stress to recover from on the next night. That means being much more flexible in my workout plan specifically, but as far as lifelong health goes, that's the smartest possible way to go. Sleep has proven, time and time again, to be my number one game-changer.

Healthy Movement: Some tightness at top of hip flexors. Or my core. Something like that. Think it's part of resuming all the standing. Session was only okay, felt weird and brain didn't work very well either. Numbers wuz hard.

Fun & Play: Productive work day, bonus fun working on LAE volunteer stuff, got to leave early for an NSS outing. That was both fun and stressful. Sitting in a boat, laughing with those peeps, soaking up a little sunshine, marveling at wake surfing physics, all good. However.

Stress Management: I did not attempt the wake surfing. I'm not that fond of water, I'm not at all coordinated, and I'm not exactly a fan of constantly being corrected because I suck at something. I don't even like tubing. Or having a wet face in the shower. Basically, says Holea: I'm a cat. We were supposed to be able to try SUP-ing, much more my speed, but that was forgotten, I guess.

Anyway, that was fine, I had planned to just hang in the boat and enjoy. But it wasn't fine with everyone else. And that's the part that sucked, them trying to convince me to do it, making a big deal out of it. Of course I know they don't really care whether or not I do it, they just had a blast and "know" I would, too, and so they are trying to help. But they are NOT helping. Actually, harming.

So, listen, a PSA: don't try to make people do stuff they don't want to do. If someone wants to be a bump on a log, you let them. Period. Bumps on a log do not like having it pointed out that they are bumps on a log!

Here's why: that person probably wishes they were like everyone else. Probably hates themselves for not being like you. So when you turn it into a big deal, they hate themselves a little bit more. Maybe a lot more. And they don't need any-fucking-more help with that, thankyouverymuch.

So, getting off the boat with that in my head, I was invited to join them all for pizza. It was 8pm on a Tuesday, I was already in a sleep deficit, and had literally written that very morning about how I was going to prioritize sleep. The socialization aspect of hanging longer with some of my favorite people simply could not outweigh the low sleep, or unfunness of eating salad at a pizza place (knowing I'd still need to eat more calories when I got home), or possibly rehashing why I'm such a lame boring loser.

So I went home, hating myself, wishing I fit in with that tribe. And wondering how they can do so well on stressful work schedules, low sleep, badass workouts, and pizza & beer. And hating that I'm such a pathetic delicate flower,

Well, guess what: add crying to low calories, and that is NOT good for the cortisol, says the woman finishing this at 430am on Wednesday who got 5 hours of actual sleep. But requires 8.

Caloric Rant

I am feeling ready to kill someone. I have been operating on about 2300 calories since the beginning of the year, without trying to eat at a specific intake, just by hunger, and my body has stayed exactly the same. Exactly. The. Same. On 2300 calories/day. Even though, based on all the diet books and calculators and so-called experts, I should be gaining like a half pound every week and be a giant fatty at this point. But I repeat: exactly the same.

This is me telling you: GoKaleo is right, and so, so, so many others are so, so, so fucking wrong. Feel free to go read every single thing she's written. These two calculators reinforce the calorie recommendations of my actual experience, so I will in turn recommend them to you.

They both tell me to eat a minimum of 1900-2000 calories, on a non-work day, without any workouts. Guess how much I should be eating on a TS work day (standing for 10 hours) when I have Dustin + post-work sprints with Holea? 3375 goddamn calories, that's how many! (For maintenance, anyway.)

So why, oh WHY, oh motherfucking WHY, have I ever been told to eat 1600 calories? Or to use 1200 as a "mimimum" intake? 1200 is less than my BMR. FUCK YOU "EXPERTS" straight to hell. No wonder my cortisol goes apeshit and I wake up sweating at 2am any & every time I eat less than 1800 calories! My body is Flipping The Fuck Out.

After months and months of 2010 spent starving myself (at the intake levels that all of those experts recommended for me as safe), my body turned me into a binger when I repeatedly ignored its needs, getting very efficient at packing pounds back on, until I landed nearly where I was before I started.

And now, I get to spend who-knows-how-many years teaching my body that it's okay, we're okay, I'm not going to starve you, I'll eat plenty, and you can burn up a little fat on the days that I don't eat enough, and no, you don't need to wake me up at 2am to eat a macaroon, just make me a little extra hungry at 5am breakfast, and we'll be fine. We'll be fine.


I need to be eating even more than 2300 calories most days - that's my bare minimum on a work day. But if I suddenly bumped up to 3000, I'm pretty sure my body would still see all those calories as excess, and pack 'em down. The proper way to do it is to slowly increase intake by around 100-200 per week. But...calorie counting makes me a nutjob. So for now, I'm going to let the intake continue to fall where it may based on how I feel, only being conscious that it doesn't drop low, and having a very new opinion on what's deemed "low."

Monday, June 22

Nutrition: Too many Larabars, need more fats in my day so it's easier to get enough calories.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 845p-5a, 73% quality. In nice & early, but it took me a while to fall asleep, I woke at midnight, again at 2a (up for bathroom, water, macaroon), and in/out 4a onward. Overheating, h/s/g, despite having the A/C on, and a ceiling fan going. Gross. Not the best way to start an overbooked week.

Healthy Movement: Had zero interest in doing class, especially after feeling how stupid-humid it was in the Well. Awful down there. Noon walk-to-run was only one peep, but it was a great run, felt lovely to go nice & easy, not awkward. And 75F now feels pleasant! My hips were aching by 2pm. 10 days off standing, and I'm that weak? Blargh. Evening outing was good; we hit the race course itself and added another 2 minutes to boost their confidence. So excited to see them finish this thing!

Fun & Play: Class. Sunshine. New runners. LAE planning meeting that made me realize: yes, it will be a lot of work this week, but it will be just fine. Perhaps even totally awesome!

Sunday, June 22

Nutrition: Got my salads prepped. Happy to be back to normal eating schedule this week.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 1130p-730a, 82% quality. In late due to races. Up at 5a to yell at Hank to stop whining and go back to bed; made it until I had to get up at 6a to let him outside, but went back to bed and got a little more sleep. Tired. Logged a 1.5-ish hour nap at 130p.

Healthy Movement: Still somewhat tight in the lower legs. Had lifting on my to-do list for the day, but never got around to feeling like doing it. Used that as a sign to do nothing. Most of those two hours were spent reading in the hammock instead. Glorious.

Fun & Play: Laziness. Nap time. Chores done. Pet time.

Saturday, June 21

Nutrition: Perfectly fine. Up early enough (thanks, Hank) to make my yam chili for the week.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 65% quality. GD pets. Hot. Did get a nap in.

Healthy Movement: Morning walk-to-run hit 30 minutes, very exciting. So overbooked that I didn't have time to do a "real run." Probably okay to keep up the rest/recovery. Left shoulder a little bit sore.

Fun & Play: Running group. Coffee with the 6am ROUSers. NSS work. "Seeing" my running buddy Dan BQ and totally smash his goal. Nap time. Excellent racing at the Outlaws with the family.

Friday, June 20

Nutrition: Breakfast with my Buddy, pizza for supper, a great day!

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 68% quality. Why was I missing these pets, again?

Healthy Movement: Slightly tight Achilles/calves from the track work last night. Had a sweet-ass Dustin session, followed by TS walk-to-run. Yes, even on a PTO day. Got to bench on deadlift day! Dustin wanted to prove a point: being fresh matters. (Like I didn't know that? I just don't like it!) And if a massive bench is a priority, then I need to adjust my life to that. Meaning: no class, focused recovery, lotsa sleep. Humph. I can get behind most of it, but no class? Argh.

Fun & Play: Working NSS. Breakfast and LOTS of chatting with my Buddy. 120 bench nailed, more smooth & easy than past times. TV laziness.

Thursday, June 19

Nutrition: No troubles, happy to return home to normal eating.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 10p-6a, 79% quality. Woke for a while around 2a, fell back, woke naturally again at 6a and gave up on trying for longer. Got up feeling good. Nap time when we got home!

Healthy Movement: Crunched into a car all day, then lazy, then a track workout with the ROUS group after the storm passed. I kept it moderate and fun.

Fun & Play: HOME. Pets. Nap. Track fun.

Wednesday, June 18

Nutrition: Another day where eating out sucked. Went to a pizza place that should've had decent salads. Well, not at lunch: strictly a tiny buffet with salad and pizzas. So my salad was romaine, cukes, & sunflower seeds. That's not enough damn calories for a SNACK. Luckily I was traveling with Larabars to make up for it. And then, I convinced the hubs to drive to a grocery store 15 minutes away to get me Arctic Zero! That made me much happier.

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 945p-630a, 94% quality. We are finally getting there. Also took an afternoon nap, 330-5p. 

Healthy Movement: All day laziness until after the nap I demanded to move. Hubs wasn't interested in moving from the couch (where he had napped). So I went out on a run to check out the minimum maintenance road that our host had told us to absolutely not take. I ran down it for some downhill training and because it felt awesome to FLY. Think I figured out what my natural gait is doing downhill to fuck up my IT bands. The run felt tough, heart and lungs and gut were a mess, but that's what unplanned outings do to me. Still glad I did it. Tired of the lethargy.

Fun & Play: Boat ride to see lovely nature. Fake ice cream! General laziness. Nap. Run. Famous again, picture in the paper from National Running Day, and even better, with the entire Timmerman family! Feeling more than ready to go HOME because my home is wonderful. And I miss my silly bothersome critters.

Tuesday, June 17

Nutrition: My life will feel so much easier when the rest of the world catches onto this Paleo "trend." Especially my husband. Tough to watch him eating a small-town diner's BBQ bacon cheeseburger with perfectly-crunched fries, followed by homemade peach pie with ice cream. I mean, my salad was tasty, will never compare. Today I hypothesized that perhaps if I stopped with all the physical stress, my body could return to coping with those foods; would I rather be weak and lazy and able to eat whatever passes for food these days? Of course not. Never. I'll take my badassery and the food that it requires, absolutely. I choose this. I just wish it were a little easier, ya dig?

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 930p-630a, 89% quality. Fairly solid until 3a, then in/out a lot. Got up feeling almost normal, but the too-soft bedding is leaving the body crunched and cranky. Never got sleepy nappy today, so that's something.

Healthy Movement: Perhaps the reason I never got sleepy today is that I didn't do a damned thing. We drove a couple hours to the cave area, hit two caves, very cool. So that was two miles walked, I guess. Then drove a couple hours back to the goat farm, then "home." Much ground covered, all of it sitting in the car. I did at least contemplate running or TRX-ing in the morning, so there's progress being made.

Fun & Play: Caves were really neat, but the pictures of course look terrible. One must need fancy cameras to get even semi-decent pictures. After the second cave, we played a round of mini-golf, and ended up with the exact same score. Fun! And of course, the goat farm was deeeelightful. The people didn't even look at us too weirdly for not having children with us! 

Monday, June 16

Nutrition: After going past downtown LaCrosse's pizza district (my phrase) several times today, I had pizza for supper. Daiya mushroom and roasted garlic, and delish. Still don't understand why the label says it's three servings, when it's obviously only one.

Sleep: 9.5 (!!) hours in bed, 930p-7a, 93% quality. Woke a few times, dozed 6a onward, but I'm finally making progress on my sleep deficit. Tried to nap in the park, but I couldn't get comfortable enough to fully zone out.

Healthy Movement: Again stiff and sore from the stupid bed. Lower body feels great. Hiking felt fine but once again I got sleepy, fatigued, cranky. Blargh. We didn't get as far today, three shorter hikes only. Then lots of lazying, even being bored. Sort of wishing we were only here 4 nights, just not finding enough to do. 

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Abundant sunshine. Park "napping." Found a fancy oil & vinegar shop with tons of flavored myself to only one of each: blueberry balsamic vinegar, and bacon-flavored olive oil. It really does have the smoky flavor of bacon! Bought some gifts for the parents at a fancy candy shop. 

Sunday, June 15

Nutrition: Enjoyed second breakfast at Perkins, mainly because I needed caffeine lest I fall asleep at the table. Should have gotten a salad, as I'm pretty sure the breakfast potatoes were coated in soy oil. (Naturally, since my face is just clearing up, all the way to the point I'm going makeup-less on vacation. Figures.)

Today in Winona I found another co-op (yay college towns!) full of tasty Sabrina things, such as kombucha (blueberry and mojito flavors!), one-ingredient crunchy almond butter, and a wee baby 6oz can of coconut milk, perfectly sized to carry me through vacation coffee. Score!

Just last night at Piggy's, I told Hop I wanted a mojito!
Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 11p-615a, 84% quality. Woke at 4a even without Hank, but I fell back. Decent, but nowhere near adequate; hence, ready to nap at lunch. We seriously discussed parking with the windows open to nap, but didn't know where to avoid both people and gnats...where one is, the other is not.

Healthy Movement: Achey from the too-soft bed and too-soft pillow. We went on a three-hour hike (6.53 miles) at Great Bluffs State Park, which was gorgeous. But packed with gnats. But gorgeous! Was silly enough to knock out a tree pose on King's Bluff, and found a great branch for a couple pull-ups, but neglected to get a picture. (Next time!) Tired and cranky and hungry by the end; skipped one of the six overlooks to get some grub. Drove to Winona for lunch & a Target visit (more/better bug spray), then took a drive up to the bluffs overlooking the city. Again, the views are amazing. From there we drove the scenic route back "home" on the Wisconsin side. We got out briefly at a wildlife refuge, otherwise sat in the car for about two hours. We should have brought our bikes, as the WI bike trail looks like a nice, flat, pretty adventure. Back at the cabin: reading, lounging, supper, lazying. Hop perused all the touristy stuff to plot out our next days here, which I was more than happy to let him do. Thinky brain wants off.

Fun & Play: Vacationing. Gorgeous views. No plans. No obligations. No worries.

Saturday, June 14

Nutrition: I was doing fine, again appreciating those Subway salads (avocado!) on a travel day, but I ended up with a ton of calories after our eve plans changed: weather canceled our two hour boat ride, and instead we went to Piggy's. I was not actually hungry due to my pre-ride snacks, but I wasn't going to turn down award-winning ribs at a place that prides itself on adapting to food allergies. My belly hurt, felt like I had the big ol' potbelly of an 8-week-old lab puppy, but they were so worth it, especially since I brought half a rack "home" to enjoy another day. A day when I'm truly hungry to start, perhaps.

From there we hit up two grocery stores: a fancy little co-op for me, Festival for Hop, and I scored huge. I've got breakfast covered, a new-to-me Daiya pizza, and hot dogs. (Although no fire pit for roasting them, boo, hiss.) I also nabbed some rare Larabar flavors and cheap Zevia. I was highly disappointed at the lack of kombucha, but I should've asked, surely they had it. Luckily, I scored some at Festival, woo hoo! Also more cheap Zevia. Then we got a coupon for Zevia at checkout. Is it my birthday?!

Sleep: 6.75 hours in bed, 930p-415a, 77% quality. Yes I went to bed too late, but also yes Hank woke me too early again. Jerk. (Someone at the walk to run mentioned the full moon. That sounds lovely, because that means it's done soon. Hoping this is not a lasting trend.) Tried to nap at the cabin but couldn't fall asleep. Dozed for about an hour before giving up.

Healthy Movement: No aches or pains, just tired, goddamn tired. Was dreading the walk to run outing, first time in these six weeks I wasn't pumped to do it. I just wanted to go back to bed. But of course, it boosted me hugely. A nice small group (crap weather) with close paces, and I had managed another new route that clumped us back together at the perfect time. I was even able to manipulate the stoplight buttons so no one was stuck waiting at the lights, even though they may have wanted it!

Long drive to cabin, 4.5 hours with our lunch stop, but it felt decent. Stiff getting out, but no awful upper back tightness like I often get. Upper back is feeling the "deload" session yesterday though.

Fun & Play: Walk to run. Delivering super excited pooches to the MIL's. Hard to leave my Hanky though, when he wanted to follow right behind us to the car. (Beginning to understand how parents can be so exhausted by their kids and yet struggle so mightily to leave them.) 

Nice drive to the cabin, scenic route truly was scenic after the Cities, along the river. Gorgeous hills and bluffs and GREEN. The kind where you look at it and try to picture it covered in winter white, and can't. Cabin is not quite what we wanted, no fire pit (big boooo!), and it's right across the driveway from the main house (where my privacy at?), but the inside is nice. And it's on top of a big ol' ridge, so when you venture a half-mile down the road, you get the most gorgeous views EVER. Another morning when I'm more energized, I may take a solo stroll to enjoy. 

After napping we went to board our sunset river cruise, enjoyed some nice river-viewing and weather-watching in the park since we were early, then enjoyed a nice dose of "This is the wrong boat, you want the one at the other end of the park," then five seconds after boarding the right boat we enjoyed the captain telling everyone he was canceling it due to the weather. GAH. The one thing I had reserved and booked and made solid plans for, day one: already falling apart! Couldn't be upset though, as the weather did look like absolute shit. (However, the bad stuff stayed just a tick north of us and we probably would've been fine.) Instead we ate at Piggy's, and I'm pretty sure we'll be going back before we leave. Super delicious, and a super waiter who was incredibly helpful with my food limitations. Got back to the cabin just before complete dark to realize there's a bit of a view from the exact right spot in the yard, and also: fireflies!

Friday, June 13

Nutrition: I was so hungry this afternoon. A diet of Larabars is not fulfilling.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 9p-4a, 64% quality. Again: fucking dogs.

Healthy Movement: Had a very solid session. Got to deload and Dustin threw all kinds of fun stuff at me, including snatches, and 12 sets of 5 pullups! Left shoulder got a little angry again, the rotten bitch. Trying to decide whether I should bring any toys along on vacation; on our SHT trip, I did TRX and burpee fun each morning after coffee and before Hop woke. I'm not sure we'll be doing as much hiking this time, so I might have more energy for some kind of workout. I know that a true week off would benefit my body, but what about my brain?

Today is my pull-up anniversary: I did my first ever in 2010. And then did 60 today, holy perfect celebration! 

Fun & Play: NSS time. Session. Holea chat. Laziness at home.

Stress Management: Not a lot of fun today...woke up too early, felt like a half-zombie at NSS, and then Bob's funeral. That was rather brutal. Exhausting. Postponed Dad's bookkeeping to next week because it wasn't vital to finish today. Back to NSS, another long day there. Got home completely shot. Decided we didn't need to leave very early tomorrow, go ahead and be lazy for the eve.

Thursday, June 12

Nutrition: So sick of Larabars. Need to be smarter when I book myself up for a weekend, MUST make plans for weekday food.

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-415a. Fucking dogs.

Healthy Movement: Body decent-ish, just tired. Session went pretty well, considering tiredness level. I got to do dips!

Fun & Play: Session, and with my Buddy. Great, great fun with Relay fundraising and purple hair nonsense. Listening to Jill talk is so incredibly motivating, we need to hear her positivity more often.

Wednesday, June 11

Nutrition: I wonder how much of my feeling shitty is being influenced by poor nutrition. Well, poor for me, anyway: I'm not eating crap, but I'm extremely low on veggies compared to my usual.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 78% quality. I know I checked the time at 2a, and I know I was dozing in/out 4a onward.

Healthy Movement: Tight lower legs out of bed, as usual felt normal quickly; but left shoulder is a touch angered, was starting to feel that last night already. Wore Vibrams on the noon walk-to-run and tried to go my pace more often than not. Mostly accomplished it. Same on evening outing; I slowed down some, but stopped or sprinted to stay in the middle; running to/from Big Ole at a faster clip felt so very freeing. More of that, please.

Fun & Play: Took class outside to the back patio, to get a bonus dose of nature. Ran into my Buddy for a nice little chat in the AM. Grand time at & after the all-team meeting as the whole company rallied around a Relay fundraiser to dye our COO's hair purple. Really, this was prompted by the COO herself, who must have known she would be out-donated. Love my job today, so very, very much. Quick but wondertastic outing to the wine bar to hang with my Buddy and her main peeps, and didn't want to leave. Had I known they were still there after my run, I would have gone right back, sweaty-drowned-rat look be damned!

Stress Management: Did NOT want to be at work today. Or anywhere else. Maybe, perhaps, I would consider my hammock. Beginning to feel outright exhausted. The Relay-fundraising madness turned me around, but I still finished my day feeling "tired of life," as I announced to the hubs when I walked in the door. Good thing I have a vacation coming very, very soon.

Temperance: I've been thinking more of this "sudden" falling apart, and I think it's just a cumulative thing.
  • This is the 6th week of the walk-to-run programs, and while my mileage is quite reasonable (even for me), the frequency of the runs is not, thus the recovery isn't where it should be. Plus, running at a slow pace is irritating my IT bands, usually that day and into the next, though luckily gone by the next slow run. So far.
  • Nutrition began going downhill over the weekend; again, nothing drastic, but a noticeable lack of veggies, and an over-reliance on Larabars & jerky. This state has continued without my usual weekend food prep. Also, somewhat-lower calories in the last couple of days, nothing truly low, 2000-ish, but a drop from my usual 2300-ish. Bumped that up today. Salty crackers + Sunbutter will do the trick!
  • Stress management. This started at the end of last week with job angst, was added to with the physical stress of low sleep over the weekend, and now it is feeling as though cancer is popping up left and right in my life, and it's beating me down pretty definitively.
  • Socialization. While I'm still getting regular dose of my people, workouts with Timmy & Joy & Holea, some hubs time, the weekend visits, etc, I haven't had a long lazy Trav's breakfast in ages, or a fun long trail run with any of the TROUSers (hey, a new term for the trail-heavy ROUSers that I just coined!) and I can't really fit it any of that in until W2R is finished. I was super stoked for a hill workout with ROUSers tomorrow night, was feeling as excited as someone with a happy hour to hit up, but now I will be going to Bob's wake instead. Obviously that's more important, I'm certainly not upset to be doing that, but I'm sad to miss out on that dose of fun with my runner peeps.

Tuesday, June 10

Nutrition: Still struggling due to no food prep, then add on a shitty memory: all I brought for lunch today was a yam, as I forgot to either toss a can of tuna into my bag OR grab the package of beef hot dogs I had sitting directly at eye level in the fridge. Stupid.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 82% quality. Awake shortly after 2a, nearly h/s/g, and Lexi was licking her leg, but I popped on the ceiling fan, popped in a new ear plug (right one always falls out), and I fell back easily enough. Hanky up at 445a, though. Blargh. Got up feeling a little on the tired side.

Healthy Movement: Stiff lower legs fresh outta bed, all else is great. Session went okay, missed my max bench which made me want to cry, but really everything felt overly fatiguing today.

Dustin wanted to know my last rest day (erm...two weeks ago) but I haven't lifted since Saturday when normally I would've lifted Sunday. Somewhat-delayed reaction to the weekend's low sleep, cumulative effect of 15 straight workout days, stress of another family friend lost to cancer, what's up, weak body? (I kid.) (Kinda.) Honestly I've felt much, much worse, and recently so; I'm nowhere near as beat-up as I got this winter. When I'm truly smashed, even standing at my desk feels exhausting. But it is worth could be one of those days, or it could be an early warning sign.

Yoga with Holea revealed further proof I'm in rough shape - things did NOT feel good. Went home feeling a little defeated.

Fun & Play: Session was half with Timmy, half with Buddy. AND I got to see/chat with SuperGirl. Lovely! After yoga I went bikini shopping and I found something I like and I don't leave hating my body or self, yay!

Stress Management: My "big sister" from childhood, my oldest dearest friend, lost her father to lung cancer this morning. I am so sad that I didn't even have the anger to change my cover photo to the "Fuck you, cancer." picture. This shit is breaking my fucking heart. I have three friends who have lost their father in the last three months. This is not okay. Yet there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about it, which is what makes it so, so hard.

Monday, June 9

Nutrition: Easy peasy. Except for zero weekend food prep; that is causing me some problems

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 82% quality. Pretty solid, other than dreaming about circling the FANS track...and I only did three laps! Wonder what the dreams were like of those who ran all 24 hours. Sheesh.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great, just a little Achilles tightness first thing in the morning. Didn't do class. Did do lunch walk-to-run, and loved it. Got to tell Tasha all about the badassery I witnessed this weekend. Evening outing was beyond fun: bunch of ROUSers including Ironman Andy; TWENTY minutes for my runners, and I got to all-out HAUL ASS for a few minutes, to track down a pack that turned early. Haven't done that in a long time, felt beautiful.

Fun & Play: Class. Lunch run. Great progress on some projects at work. Evening run. Fetch with the pooches.

Stress Management: My talk with my team member was way overblown by my anxiety last week. It was fine, I had blown things out of proportion. As usual.

Temperance: Last week I almost signed for Neghar's superhero gig. I mean, she based the damn plans on Wonder Woman, yo. But here's why I'm so glad I came to my senses: I realized that I don't need that shit. I don't need someone else to tell me what to do anymore.

I filled out the application because I wanted details and I was in a weak spot of "nede halp." And it really does sound like a great program. For those who need to establish healthier habits & routines, this is a fantastic template.

But I already have such a template: I run when it's fun, I lift like a beast, and I eat Paleo. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

I don't really need to set any specific goals in terms of exercise. If I keep big events on my schedule like T&S, or the 50k, and tally up the things I care about, like pull-ups, then the rest will take care of itself. I don't think I even need a bench press goal, really...I'm going to bench press twice a week no matter what, because I fucking LOVE IT. If I hit a bodyweight bench, then fuck yeah! But if I don't, am I weak? Fuck you!

I don't need someone else to tell me how to work out, because I'm not interested in changing a damn thing. I'm not going to run less or lift less or run more or lift more than what I (okay, & Dustin) have deemed necessary based on my own history and enjoyment. As brilliant as Neghar & John may be, their template is not customized to my life. Why would I go backward to a general outline?

And, dear baby hey Zeus, we all know that I need to pay LESS attention to my nutrition. Waste less time & energy thinking about it. My acne forces a Paleo template that means I'm getting superb nutrition; so my only real concern here is to avoid over-indulging on the things that I can "get away with." I already know about the big rocks like protein & veggies at every meal, so again, a great but general template is not where I need to go. I'm pretty far past that.

I guess what I'm saying here is I'm the best expert on me. And that's pretty fucking cool to realize. However, I am not saying I'm perfect; I'm not saying I don't need advice, let me make that clear: I still need plenty of help! But I need very specific bits of advice and help (& therapy) - not some general programming that won't tell me anything new. My Dustin and my Joy and my Holea and my ROUSers are full of fantabulous advice in relation to the lifts and the runs and the foods. Not interweb gurus (even if they are legit gurus, which these two seem to be) who have never met me. I've already got a team of superheroes on my side. They're the goddamn Justice League, yo.

Sunday, June 8

Nutrition: Lots of shortcuts today, three Larabars and two bags of jerky went down the hatch. Spicy jerky is my new hot tip for staying alert while driving!

Sleep: Why don't I just let a picture say a thousand words here?

But somehow the fun of the day carried me through.

Healthy Movement: Got a slightly late start, but I found Brian at 6:30am, 108.5 miles down. And he looked fine. Fucking unbelievably normal. He was hurting, though, so we were nice and slow to finish it out. Luckily they had started a half hour late due to downpours, so I got nearly a full two hours of fun. I ran, walked, jogged a total of 8.5 miles with Brian. I almost cried at the end. So many amazing people in addition to my talented pal; it was overwhelming to think about what they had done. Never mind the physical strength, the mental strength is unfathomable. Infinitely inspirational.

Fun & Play: Brian's race, obviously, and staying around for all the awards. After that, I visited cousin Diane, Shawn and Sura, the cutest little peanut ever. Fun to catch up and just chill for a nice long time without tons of other family or butchered critters interrupting us. Drive home even went quick compared to usual, upper body didn't freak out on me for once. At home I changed into my bikini to chill more in the D-laden sunshine and work on my runner's tan, while catching up on all my peeps. Lovely.

Saturday, June 7

Nutrition: Yay: second breakfast. Boo: no coffee at second breakfast, because I was soon to be napping.

Sleep: 6.25 hours in bed, 1045p-5a, 73% quality. In late due to bonfire, up early 'cause my body's now programmed (dozing in/out 415a onward), but also because at 453a, Hanky decided there was something to bark at in the backyard. Those would be chairs, Hank. Chairs. Got in a nap after my shower, 2 hours of only okay napping.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good, upper back still a bit tight. Walk-to-run felt excellent, ran the first mile-ish with Brett out in front, enjoying some speed. My people are truly turning into runners, and it makes me so very happy. Came home to do some powerlifting, which went decent, given 6 hours of sleep. Disappointed at how my bench technique seems to be backsliding, despite skipping class all week; convinced me to skip it again Monday for sure, since it's 1+ week. Didn't do the fun stuff at the end, didn't feel up to both tires & deadlifts, so I chose deadlifts. Good choice!

Fun & Play: Walk to run. Powerlifting. Nap time! Holea's party with Joy (thus a quick visit with the Rodas clan) and all the NSS peeps plus the wee childrens and pups too!  Fun with bean bag toss and horse races. Lots of updates on Brian throughout the day, was pumped to get down there on Sunday.

Friday, June 6

Nutrition: Had to eat snacks for supper because I was working until 850p; that's practically my bedtime, yo!

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 91% quality. Didn't actually fall asleep until 10p or so, but then was damned solid until 5a.

Healthy Movement: Achilles a bit tight first off right out of bed, but fine as the day passed. Upper back got tight as the day went on, pretty bad by eve, likely due to long work day. Noon walk-to-run was lovely, sunshine and happy newbs. Tried to hit hills with Holea but needed to unload a ton of brain vomit, and so we only made it once before we decided to walk. Disappointing because that one run up felt fantastical, but hey, my friend really needed to vent, so I took that trade-off.

Fun & Play: Half day at TS. Run in sunshine. Holea time, also in sunshine. Afternoon at NSS. It got really long, 6.75 hours vs the usual 3.5-4, but it was for good reasons. Bonfire time at home, loving my life.

Stress Management: Spent the morning updating my team members' journals, first time in over two months. Lots of disappointing attendance by one of my peeps, and now I'm adding problems with performance. Frustrated, because this is a super smart person who just doesn't seem all that invested in work. I can understand not adoring your job, and I don't expect most people to devote all their time and energy to work (that's a shitty life plan unless you're temporarily building a business up, or whatever), but I can't understand not caring to do your very best. It has nothing to do with the job and everything to do with you. I'm not a person who half-asses anything, and I struggle with those who half-ass everything.

Temperance: Got an invite to an NSS outing that involves boating and surfing (um, no to this piece, you want me to die?) and stand-up paddleboarding. At first I was beyond pumped, LOVE spending time with those folks, but then I wondered if the email I got was actually an invite or just a heads-up, based on the weird way the header looked. And a part of me felt relieved at the thought of not being invited, not having to deal with the self-conscious body-image angst that is bound to join in.

I. Hate. That.

With every fiber of my being, I want to eradicate that angst from my head. From everyone's head. I don't want anyone to let stupid fucking body image bullshit stop them from enjoying time with their people.

I know full well that they don't care what I look like, but...I do. I want to look perfect. I don't like to show off my lack of perfection. And yet smarter, wiser me DOES want everyone to see it, so that I can see that they don't fucking care, and I can stop thinking they do.

I am still struggling so very much to be the person who is confident in who she is, and doesn't use her physical image to define her self-worth. I want to be that person. I am trying to be that person. It's a long, arduous battle. But it will be worth it.

Thursday, June 5

Nutrition: Had a peach at breakfast that was crisp like an apple. Sadness; I wanted it to be soft and making a big juicy mess all over the place.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 88% quality. In late due to the late supper after running - worth it! Could've slept longer if not for pets; dozed in/out 4a onward thanks to scratching cats.

Healthy Movement: Tight Achilles and a little all-over "meh." However, session was great fun, I was hanging with my Buddy and loving the whole damn place and everyone in it. Big heart today.

Fun & Play: Rearranged my weekend to be able to attend Holea's party. Hooray! Even better: bringing my Buddy! Session, and with my Buddy. Rain stopped for eve backyard time with the Furminator (looks like small animals were destroyed where I brushed out the kittehs) and a magazine and lovely, peaceful, country quiet.

Stress: Have a team member who is massively disappointing me. Struggling to deal with this.

Wednesday, June 4

Nutrition: No problemo a'tall.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 79% quality. Woke often 1-230a by the looks of my sleep graph, and I remember a lot of tossing & turning, though never awake enough to check the clock.

Healthy Movement: Got up with tight calves & Achilles, both legs. Also quads sore from sprints & squats both, I suspect. Did NOT do class, since I got up feeling so tired. Again stupidly humid in there, grateful I had decided to only instruct. Noon walk-to-run was a lovely time, beautiful sunshine. They hit double digits, and we made a full loop that we've never quite been ready for yet, and they said it's getting easier, they can tell the difference. Exciting! The evening walk-to-run outing was just BEYOND; see "Fun & Play" section!

Fun & Play: Class was fun, got great compliments afterward that they like how it's never quite the same each day...although they are always doing the same big rocks each day, the actual exercises themselves keeps changing (RDL vs good morning vs deadlift, etc), so it seems brand new each time. Although, sometimes I have brutal senseless programs, like bodyweight only, that really don't properly give 'em big rocks, just a vicious beatdown...which they also like!

Evening W2R was bucket-overflowing: tons of extras came for National Running Day, over 60 people, and the paper came for pics & an interview, and my people passed 15 straight minutes, and they said it's getting easier and they're enjoying it, and I got to hang with all the Timmermans afterward. Best. Day. In. Ages!!

Tuesday, June 3

Nutrition: Fasting for blood tests. Zero major changes. Survived being awake for two hours without coffee, that is an amazing feat right there!

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 85% quality. Decent.

Healthy Movement: A little stiff this morning, but movement felt good, session went really well. Yoga was short but lovely.

Fun & Play: Mocking the cholesterol/saturated fats recommendation with my Buddy. I love having her, otherwise I'd probably feel like I'm crazy. Session, with my Timmy AND with my Buddy! Yoga with my Holea. Pretty damn good for a workday!

Monday, June 2

Nutrition: After finally listening to my beloved Stefani Ruper on the Balanced Bites podcast yesterday (thanks, Joy!), I am feeling smarter and in a better mental place. I may have figured out the question I need to ask myself to get over the calorie-counting: Will [this food] keep me healthy?

Acne: Reacting. Possible culprits: pint of AZ 3 days in a row; Sweet & Hot jerky 3 days in a row; something in the Daiya pizza or simply the quantity (1 whole pizza); the pepperoni I added to that pizza, which had dextrose (derived from corn) (but less than 2%); I had a can of Zevia the other day; I had a few "cream cheese" "bagels" last week; is 4 Larabars in one day too much? ...BLARGH. See why this is so challenging? I have so little wiggle room for off-real-food adventuring. And sometimes, that question of "will this food keep me healthy" is a resounding YES to even fake-ass pizza, because it will soothe my very BRAIN to stop the perception of constant restriction.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 845p-5a, 81% quality. In/out 4a onward, thanks to cats that came in to scratch the bed every 10 minutes, because they wanted outside. Those glorious rainforest-sounding birds are much less wondertastic when they are waking up my kittehs long before I need to get up.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling okay, but I skipped class. Just had that overall MEH feeling both physically & mentally. When the Well turned out to be humid as a GD sauna, I was happy to be only instructing. Sheesh. Noon walk-to-run felt excellent; Timmy joined in and so we got to catch up. I miss running with her so fucking much. Met up with Holea for sprints, which felt fantastic and fun. DQ even jumped in on our last 5 or so! Eve walk-to-run outing was super slow, I brought up the back of the pack since Brett was recovering from his altitude-sickness-marathon. Felt fine and was fun.

Fun & Play: Class. Working on LAE volunteer positions, even though the eve meeting was canceled. Being picked to help with the Focus Team huddle. Running outings. Relay meeting where we picked campsites near the bonfire. (Bonfire, eee!)

Stress: A couple work issues with potential to be really stressful, but coping.

Temperance: I recently realized that I don't miss high heels anymore. That's REALLY surprising for this chica, who for the past 4.5 years has been a total "Dustin made me quit wearing heels" whiny child about them. But lately, when I see someone walking in high heels, I usually think they look completely stupid. The strut required by high heels, tiny mincing little tip-toe steps, is absolutely ridiculous. And yes there are some women who stroll just fine in them, but so many are barely teetering along, and for what purpose?

Sunday, June 1

Nutrition: A while back I discovered Paleo wraps at Elden's. Finally used them today to make BLTs. They taste fine, work well, but are too small: half a small tomato, 1.5 romaine leaves, and 2 strips of bacon - and it barely fit! However, they didn't tear, good strength. But I'd rather just use toast.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 10p-6a, 84% quality. Woke a couple times due to dogs, but each time Hop got up to deal with them. Apparently there was a black cat on our back deck at one point - possibly the same one that I saw run out of our garage on Friday night?

Healthy Movement: Body feeling quite good. Not even any extra calf/Achilles soreness from yesterday's runs in Vibrams, wow! Did a bunch of lifting; however, none of it felt as good as it should have. Canceled deadlifts, told myself tire flips were basically the same, and only made 3 of 5 planned rounds of the finisher. Just ran out of steam. Also, 100% humidity going on really took away a lot of the fun. My first set of flips & carries was dry, second in a light sprinkle, third in legit rain. Actually felt good and cool, but a slippery tire is tough to grip, and a muddy driveway made the carries even more challenging than I needed. Made sure to hit a total of 40 pulls, want to get back to a regular minimum of 100 per week; tired of seeing them stalled out and/or back-sliding. While I'd prefer to feel like Hulk doing this, I think that I moderated it just where I should have.

Fun & Play: Sleeping in. Pot of coffee in peaceful quiet. Paying bills. Workout. Lazying. All the lilies planted. Cool dry evening in which to read and play fetch. 

Nature: Should have spent even more time outside but I got in a few hours. Love lazy weekends!