Thursday, February 27

Nutrition: 1 brownie per day, 1 Larabar/Uberbar per day. Must. Ration.

Acne: Reacting to something, began developing several cysts yesterday, morphing into a full-on freakout today. Three days back, I ate breakfast out, and also a lotta fudge. Two days back, increased Larabar consumption. Herm...

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 915p-545a, 95% quality. Could've been better, work at 4a & dozed, but overall decent. Have a problem with right ear; there is a sore in the ear canal that's currently inflamed (because I keep picking at it like a moron), which means the already-too-big ear plug hurts, which made it painful to lay on my right side.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling decent but (a) still quite sore from squats, unusual for 1+ week's low volume; and (b) oddly fatigued, given yesterday I only walked. Also, I can't explain why, but I feel fat today; maybe just inflamed all over and that's what I'm feeling. Session went good, though the work on technique, where I'm swinging on the rings and trying to find the "pulling point" made me feel like a total fucking moron. Coordination, yo. I die.

Fun & Play: PTO tomorrow. Fun afternoon meeting. Pet cuddling.

Stress Management: Comparing myself to the "real runners" again. STOP IT, SABRINA.

Wednesday, February 26

Nutrition: Bacon is gone, and I will keep it gone for a while. Have chicken sausage that will make me feel healthier each morning. Baby steps. BUT THEN, of the pan of brownies I made for work, only 1/3 was eaten, and half of that 1/3 was eaten by ME. And then at home, I nommed on too much SB. Ugh.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 9p-6a, 80% quality. Wide awake at 3a, couldn't fall back so got up for bathroom, snack; took a while to fall back. Alarm woke me.

I really don't understand the quality measurement. Tuesday is longer AND has more time down in deep sleep, yet the quality is 19% less...what?


Healthy Movement: Feeling squats a lot by evening. Shoulder is doing great. Morning train, 15-minute stroll through the building, felt great to move. Sat for about 3 hours in an afternoon meeting, after which I was planning to run home (since I was setting up for the meeting at 11a already). But the winds were so bad that the hubs said I'd be hit by a damn car, terrible visibility out in the country. Yet when I drove home, it was perfectly fine. And this was the first long run I had looked forward to in months. Fuck you, winter! At home, I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes because I'd lost all desire to run. Bah.

Fun & Play: Great team meeting.

Stress Management: Again, I need to STOP reading about the runs of the local running rock stars, like Shawn logging 18 miles on the tiny track, at an 8:35 pace. Bleargh.

Temperance: The video of my training is available, so I took a peek, and something amazing happened: I actually thought, "Hey, I look good. Natural. Comfortable. Fun." I didn't think ANYTHING mean or critical about myself. That's incredible.

Tuesday, February 25

Nutrition: Hanky likes asparagus. I feed him the woody ends; such a health nut! Got a giant shipment of Larabars and Uberbars that I will have to carefully ration to like one per day. Planning to try them as long run fuel.



Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 9p-545a, 99% quality. BULL. Past 930p when I fell asleep, and woke regularly, 3a, 4a, 515a...which shows on the graph. So how on earth is that 99%? Stupid system. Glad I slept in SOME, and glad the dog wasn't prancing, but I got up tired. Moved very slowly as I made coffee & breakfast and got ready.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good, shoulder improved. Session felt pretty good but I was again upset by my bench. And then I got some perspective and sent a text Holea that said "Three straight cycles being passed I can't bench 120 for a double. #stronggirlproblems"! 

Fun & Play: Slow-moving morning. Session. Greatly productive afternoon. Amazing Larabar/Uberbar delivery. Plans to visit Amy & Maya this weekend. Possibly nixing the long run in favor of two or three medium runs. Like, 10-ish each tomorrow, Friday, and Sunday. Maybe. Will let that percolate in the brain for a few days and see if it sounds doable. Made the gluten-free brownies for my team for tomorrow's potluck, happily indulged in batter.

Monday, February 24

Nutrition: Getting treats back under control. Packed smaller portions of my chicken carnitas. Selected the smallest available banana. Little efforts, but I will make them add up. I mean, when a long run makes your belly button start chafing, you're going to feel like a fat fuck and be more eager to make some changes.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 94% quality. I guess so. Woke at 330a, fell back; Hank was tromping and whining to get out promptly at 5a. Bleah. I could have used another hour.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great. Left shoulder pinchy. Somehow, I had a pretty good lunch run. I actually was able to tack on extra distance even halfway in, since my route was shorter than I'd judged. Normally, lately at least, I would just be all, "WHELP, I lucked out today, yee haw short run!" Music helped distract me when I started feeling weak. Concentrating on the music stops the brain from even thinking. Like, you ever listen to the lyrics of "Magic Bus"? Man, EVERYONE must've been high in the 60s...and see, you can't think about how heavy you're panting if you're busy dwelling on this.

Fun & Play: Good run. Productive day.

Stress Management: Dustin said I was not rude yesterday. I'm going to try to believe him. Even if I did seem rude, I can believe that he didn't much notice, and/or wouldn't dwell on it. Generally speaking, boys (sexist statement ahead) don't dwell on shit like girls do. And Dustin in particular is very "water off a duck's back" when it comes to something like this. I would pay big money for that attitude myself.

Worked on the annual review for my second-most-difficult direct report - very draining. She's been doing SO much better recently, but the self-review that she submitted is a reflection of the old her, and I'm very feeling stressed by this. If it's all in her head, how do I help her? Especially when I can't even help my own self when I get the same way? 

And this is so incredibly cheesy, but how do I show my people that I love them? I mean, that I really and truly care about them and I want them to succeed - preferably right where they are, because that's best for me (hey, just being honest) - but if not, then I would certainly support them going somewhere else if that's what's ultimately best for THEM. How do I convey that they have power to own their situation in life, how do I help them realize it's SO FAR BEYOND time to stop thinking they are a victim of circumstances outside their control? If someone has ALWAYS had this victim mentality, is there any way to change it?

Sunday, February 23

Nutrition: Oh, sweet delicious addictive coconut bark, why did I make you?

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 82% quality. Woke at 4a to tromping Hank but he went back down after I yelled at him. Napped for a couple hours or so. I think it was a little past 2p when I climbed in, but I let the dogs out at 330p and then went back in, woke at 445p to Hank again tromping around. Damn dog!

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling quite good. Foot tendons ache a little, left is slightly more achey than I'd like to feel. Deep glutes ache but it's a normal soreness. Did most of my rowing workout, but the left shoulder was pinchy on a few things. Filmed my kittycat get-up to share with the world. It's important to me that people see fitness isn't just running, and it can be super duper fun - not a chore.

Did yoga and avoided crocodile, didn't even test it (I'm getting so smaht); the rest felt good, too easy. As we lay in final relaxation, all I wanted to do was get up and do ring pull-ups! On the drive home, I felt awesome, seriously considered going downstairs for the mobility that I skipped, or even (gasp!) for a run. But playing fetch with Lexi in the wind squashed that idea. I adjusted my rings down for bottom holds, but they pinched the shoulder. So I took that as a sign to play with pulls a little bit throughout the rest of the day, but that was it. Other than, you know, front-squatting my dog.

Fun & Play: Workout. Kittycat get-up. Yoga at NSS with Holea and Jennah. Breakfast with Holea and Andrew. Hank squat. Laziness and pet snuggles. Naptime. 

Temperance: I may have been rude to Dustin today. He was working out with someone when I walked into NSS. And as he introduced me, I basically just said hinicetomeetyou and ran off to the office. Which probably came across as incredibly rude. But in actuality it was me getting out of their way. Why are you even introducing me, I am not important to him or you right now, I'll just go in my corner and let you get back to things. I'm ALWAYS like that, always assuming people don't want me around. I am stupidly insecure.

Saturday, February 22

Nutrition: So. Many. Calories. Being snacky post-run will do that. Shoulda gone earlier and napped away the snackiness. Hubs made ribs for supper, our belated Valentine's dinner. It'll do!

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 93% quality. Woke often: 1230a, 330a, 430a, thanks a lot, snoring husband and obnoxious pets!

Healthy Movement: Body feeling pretty good. Not really excited to run, but it must be done. Boston is two months from yesterday, so suck it up, buttercup. I couldn't face the weather, though, not even with sunshine and above-zero temps. So I treadmilled it up. Less than I'd hoped for, but I got time on feet, no injuries, it's something. Now I just need to unfriend all the successful runners who are totally killing it on DM...or remind myself that not one of them could keep up with me at NSS. And that it's the trade-off I want. Accept it like an adult, Sabrina. Wore compression socks during, after, and to bed. Left hip and glute were achey but that's it!

Fun & Play: My financial smarts will save us $50/month soon. Yeah! Evening laziness.

Stress Management: Septic system issues. Ugh, gross. Apparently our drain field is frozen, nothing to be done, tank pumped, conserve water so we don't need it done again. Fucking winter.

Friday, February 21

Nutrition: The poor sleep (again) made me feel insanely snacky. Wanted to Eat All The Things. Totally did. Fat, not carbs, because that's exactly what I was craving. I believe I have put away an entire jar of Sunbutter over the week. Um. 
Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 87% quality. Hubs kept me up late. Hank and/or cats woke me at 330a. Hank started running around like he was trying out for Jackass at 5a. I seriously threw a pillow at him. So. Tired.
Healthy Movement: Body feels pretty good. Wore boots with a 1" heel today and was immediately annoyed with myself and wanting to sit. I did lock myself into an office to work on a review, so I sat for a couple hours, then again for about 4 hours at NSS.
Fun & Play: Productive morning at TS, knocked out another review. Fun and also productive afternoon at NSS, made a bitchin' chart that impressed the boys. As it should, since it shows them how amazing they've been doing there.
Stress Management: Winter. Running. Fuck all. Roads are icy thanks to all this wind. How the fuck am I supposed to run tomorrow? I'm wondering if I should attempt my 4/1 on a treadmill. But 2.5-3 hours on a treadmill? REALLY? Shoot me. So, then I started plotting a run to the east, with the wind, and having the hubs pick me up. I would make it nearly to Sauk Centre! That sounds pretty badass, I have to say. Regardless, it won't be 6a, so I have time to figure it out.

Thursday, February 20

Nutrition: Decent other than too too many delicious pistachios.
Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 82% quality. Took ages to fall asleep (pets). Woke at 2a for quite a while (first Hank, then Clyde). Woke at 4a (Hank) and fell back until alarm woke me. Got up swearing again.
Healthy Movement: Forearms still sore, otherwise really good. Ran in class, discovered I was bracing myself for shin pain...and had none. Cool! I wonder if compression socks are doing the trick here? DELIGHTFUL session with my Buddy.
Fun & Play: Class. Saw my Buddy early on. Session. With my Buddy! Last of my FinLit classes. Sad to see them go. Nerd. Hubs is home!!

Wednesday, February 19

Nutrition: Good other than I can't control myself around Sunbutter. 

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 80% quality. Woke at midnight, fell back, then again at 445a hoping like hell it wasn't almost time to get up...very disappointing. 

Healthy Movement: Feeling really good, just waiting for squat aches to kick in. Forearms pretty sore from yesterday's FG rows. Lunch run was the best in ages. It didn't feel awesome, especially not to start with, but I soaked up the sunshine and even found enjoyment in the overheating, knowing it won't last. 

Fun & Play: Breakfast fundraiser for Relay, always a great time. Another great Fin Lit presentation, 4 down and 2 to go! A good run, what a relief. Good afternoon of accomplishments. Last silent(ish) night at home in front of the TV with my bebes.
 

Tuesday, February 18

Nutrition: Asparagus on sale = bacon-greased asparagus at breakfast = super nom!
Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 91% quality. Wide awake, h/s/g, and up for bathroom/water/2 macaroons, at 1a. Haven't had that in a long time. Didn't miss it.
Healthy Movement: Lower legs a bit stiff first off, good once moving. Right hamstring a little tight from Sunday yet. I have a big ol' bruise from yesterday's KB fun. Stupidly delicate! Again as I walked in this morning, I had the urge to run...so warm, so beautiful, please let this feeling last! Had a solid session, little disappointed on the bench, but am I ever satisfied with a missed rep? Shoulder is feeling much better at least, barely feeling it for the most part. It was worst when I was sitting on the couch at night, being a little crunched inward.
Fun & Play: Second & third Fin Lit classes in the books! Halfway done, and still enjoying it. The hell is wrong with me? Silliness with my Buddy & I sending the very same bacon-related ecard to the very same person, an hour apart. We were obviously made for each other! More TV/Hanky laziness. It's definitely helping to be a sloth at home while work is so busy.

Monday, February 17

Nutrition: Again I'm thanking my Buddy for the BYOCM concept. Makes our cheap free coffee taste damn fancy!

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 84% quality. Took a while to fall asleep, and woke several times after 3a (pets), but managed to sleep in a little. No class, Travis canceled last night due to the snow.

Healthy Movement: Body feels pretty good, shoulder kink is down quite a bit. Yesterday I had planned to make Travis do 200 burpees - I say "make" but he would've loved it, and I would've joined him - rather than a lunch run. Had assumed I wouldn't be up for a run, but as I walked into work, in the snow, I realized I felt like I could run a little half hour, and I did have the urge to run in this nonsense. It's warm, it's not windy, and it would generate quite the feeling of accomplishment to run in the snowfall. Seems there is a sweet spot in this winter running thing, and it's just been too damn cold/windy for me to get there. Regardless, I had no gear with me, so no running. Instead I played with KBs in a primal fashion. Great fun! Left work a little bit early to blow out the driveway, a good workout for the grip & forearms.

Fun & Play: Fun workout. Great first presentation to leadership. Blowing out the driveway was kind of fun. Followed it with TV & Hank-cuddling. I could get used to laziness like this!

Sunday, February 16

Nutrition: Fine. Interestingly, I have been consuming whey protein before/during/after runs, with zero acne effects.

Food Prep: Pork carnitas. BOMB DIG.

Sleep: 9.75 hours in bed, 1030p-815a, 100% quality. I did have to let out the pooches at 5a, of course, but went straight back, and other than that it was totally solid and I was allowed to wake when I woke. A beautiful, welcome wake-up!
Healthy Movement: Lower legs a bit stiff first thing, but went away quickly. Puttered until the run. It didn't go well and I cut it short. I'm ready to throw in the fucking towel on Boston, that's how "well" it went. Finally admitted it was time to change myself from "a runner" to "an athlete" on DailyMile. I very seriously considered what it would be like if I bowed out of Boston. I know it would be a giant enormous weight off my shoulders NOW, but could I accept it, long term? I think it would take me forever to forgive myself such a failure, so I shall keep plugging away. Somehow.
Fun & Play: Sunshine in the AM. Quiet, peaceful time at home.

Saturday, February 15

Nutrition: Why do tiny caf├ęs have such pathetic excuses for a chef salad? Romaine, diced ham, bit of tomato, a HB egg, that's it. At least find a little bacon to crumble up, willya?

Sleep: 9.75 hours in bed, 945p-730a, 88% quality. Stayed up too late watching some Olympics, wild animals woke me at 3a, 5a. Got up at 5a to let both dogs outside then went right back to bed, and happily fell back. Did not get up swearing, finally!

Healthy Movement: Body in great shape other than tender upper back. Did my Row Mania basement workout. Would've been a beautiful day to run, but was happy to play She-Hulk. Bonus stability challenge on TGUs: Hank in my face!

Fun & Play: No visiting Amy, as Miss Maya was born overnight via emergency C-section. Met Terri and Juliet (& Hailey) for lunch at the Ding Dong in Sauk, which was fun, but we weren't allowed to order breakfast, what the FUCK, yo. (Not only no breakfast, but a stupidly lame salad, gah!) However, was delightful to hang with those ladies and hear even more about New Zealand. So imminent. So sad, wonder if I could ever afford to go there, helluva long/$pendy trip.

Friday, February 14

Nutrition: Right on.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 915p-545a, 86% quality, total bullshit. Slept solidly until 330a, when Hank began dancing like a jerk, and cats began scratching like assholes. I did a lot of yelling for what felt like a full hour. Did fall back at some point (415a or so according to my sleep graph), and woke to more dancing at 530a. I literally got out of bed yelling, "Fuck ALL OF YOU!" Happy times!

Healthy Movement: My butt hurts. Yay, deadlifts! Tried a couple straight-bar pull-ups at NSS but my shoulder disliked, so I stopped. Lazy at home.

Fun & Play: Friday. Thank every god ever imagined. I am so ready for sleeping in and naps. (And I may get neither, but at least there is possibility!) Very productive afternoon at NSS and got to see Dustin TGU a 100-lb KB, damn! 

Valentine's Day fun, silly emails, a couple homemade cards. My husband got this one:

Referred to myself as Donkey Kong on DailyMile - it is HIGH TIME that I stop being sad about being an inferior runner and instead start highlighting my beastliness.


Received a reply from Amanda Trusty on the videos I sent:
Thank you SO much. This is so perfect! Can't wait to show you the final project-thank you for contributing! Your courage and generosity is going to help change a lot of lives! 
Aloha,
Amanda 

Thursday, February 13

Nutrition: Fine, no issues.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 91% quality. Slept like a rock until dancing Hank woke me at 5a. Sleep cycle shows me waking at 1a, but I remember nothing. Beautiful.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good other than left shoulder, which was pinchy right off the bat. Normalized later, stayed good through session. Donated blood in afternoon, zero issues. Long day on my feet again.

Fun & Play: Ran through rehearsal for my trainings next week, and it went swimmingly. I'm really excited to do them. Very enjoyable session. Blood donation at the same time as my Buddy, saving lives like a couple of superheroes! Snuggly Hank during some rare TV time.

Stress Management: Somehow I am back to normal me. Had a convo with my lead at the end of the day that would have made me want to punch things last week, but today I was just fine. Didn't even keep it in my head after I was away from my desk. If only I knew what has changed, so I could stop going down into those dark valleys.

Wednesday, February 12

Nutrition: Fine. No issues.

Acne: I've been eating egg yolks, yeast, and almonds in the past week - unlimited amounts (not that I eat tons, but I'm not trying to keep levels at low intake) - and acne is fine. Healing from the last massive freakout, with nothing new. So, allergy test: you were a complete waste of money. Best I can tell by looking back to last month's freakout, it was either a high carb intake, or dining out - neither of which I've been doing in the past couple weeks. So...I guess I could test this with a high carb intake.

Oh but then guess what: some new breakouts by day's end. WTF! Hate. This is so unbelievably frustrating.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 85% quality. That's generous; I was awake 4a onward, trying very hard to sleep, but instead regularly yelling at the dancing dog(s) and scratching cat(s). I do not enjoy this "single parenting" gig, as the dogs apparently need out in a shorter timeframe than 8 hours.

Healthy Movement: Did 2 sets of 5 high pull-ups during class. Did not bother the shoulder. Did 5 after my run, too. The run went better than most recent ones; kind of hated it to start, felt disjointed and awkward - right side mainly felt off, but it changed as I cruised around in the fairgrounds and felt more playful & kidlike. Wore compression socks all afternoon. Felt squats late in day, bedtime-ish.

Fun & Play: I sent a note to a coworker that I don't actually know that well, in response to overhearing her say she was 15-20 lbs lighter last time she ran some race at Fargo. I get it, same boat, but nobody else can see it and moreover no one cares, you're awesome and don't forget it, etc. I was very hesitant in sending it, both because it could have came off as creepy/offensive and also because of the lead/non-lead status, and yet I took the chance. And she responded very well, appreciated it and sent me a little love back. YAY for spreading a little love out into the world!

Tuesday, February 11

Nutrition: I opened the vanilla-flavored fish oil today. I almost fucking GAGGED. Absolutely disgusting. But for the price, it must go down the hatch. Shudder.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 93% quality. Dozing 430a onward...thanks, pets!

Healthy Movement: Good. Shoulder seems better. Felt it a touch on the bench in session if I got at all high in the groove, so I kept it low and probably messed with my results. But it didn't seem to make it worse, so I'm okay with that. Did batwing holds in eve, 20s x2; entirely forgot to ice. 

Did set of just 4 ring pulls, checking how easy the higher top end would be on them (hard); then tried straight pulls on bar but they felt poor on shoulder: no mas. Need to find the sweet spot between maintaining my reps and learning MU technique work. Much better mental place in session and post- today; no warrior self, but no poor woeful pathetic me either.

Fun & Play: ZOMG THE FORECAST HAS NO NEGATIVES:

Monday, February 10

Nutrition: Made this on Sunday night, introduced to me by my Buddy, and finally tasted it tonight - 'twas very good!
Faux Baked Cinnamon Apples







Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 75% quality. Felt pretty light; Clyde & Oscar fighting at 4a, dozed after that. Alarm buzzed me and I was very angry with it. Ugh.


Healthy Movement: Body feels good. Felt the left knee stab going UP stairs this AM, but it wasn't there yesterday. Left ball of foot still aches, found myself walking funny to compensate - left knee going wonky - tried to force it normal. Achey foot is better than a fucked-up knee. Did a walk/run at lunch again. Just bleah. Wore compression socks afterward. I'm now wearing pants Mon/Wed specifically because of this...I'm currently injury-free, and if these have anything to do with it, worth it! Had several meetings, probably sat for half of the day today.


Left shoulder no change, still same pinch on impingement test. Trying to tell myself not to be upset about this but to see it as a "real lifter" issue. Did batwing holds when I remembered them - in bed! Just before bed, I super-stretched the left shoulder to scratch my right shoulder blade...and something SHIFTED. Much like your hips might pop when standing up after a while. It didn't hurt, and it seemed like it might have helped put things back where they belong, the pinch was much reduced. Weird.


Fun & Play: Class was a delight. Great meeting at work.


Stress Management: Doing much better in regards to Boston stress.

Sunday, February 9

Nutrition: Totally normal hunger levels. Three squares. No cravings. What is this magic??

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 945p-630a, 77% quality. Up at 130a to let out Lexi. Hank began tromping around at 430a. ARGH.

Healthy Movement: Body feels surprisingly good. Would not know I did a long run yesterday based on how I'm feeling. Even going down stairs, everything is fine: shins say nothing, left knee which ALWAYS stabs down stairs when I log a lotta miles (even trail miles) is perfectly quiet, I feel nothing but normalcy. I'm liking that a LOT. If this is a direct result of the walk/run combo, I may never log a straight-out run again. Feeling good the day after a long winter road run = completely foreign.

Logged a row-filled workout plus a single set of [an easy version of] the basics - it felt like an extended, easy warm-up. Considered doing a bunch more, maybe run through everything again, maybe just repeat the basics but throw some weight on, i feel good so what else should I do, etc, and then I realized that feeling like it was "stupid easy" is probably right where I need to be right now. Iced the left shoulder afterward but only the TGUs seems to aggravate it (when rolling onto left side).

Sat rest of day, Dad's bookwork then my own taxes.

Fun & Play: Finally made some videos for Amanda Trusty. The execution wasn't stellar, but it worked. Also it meant I did 10 straight ring pull-ups, replicating Thursday's PR. I like it! The workout was fun, pure play. Would've lined up a Buddy session, but I had a lot to do today, no time for the lengthy chatting we always end up incorporating. Was at the tax firm for a long time visiting, miss the peeps very much; delivered a bunch of our fudge for letting me use the software; and they told me to stop & visit any time, and also to keep them on next year's plan. I know it sounds cray cray, but I really do miss it. Husband in FL enjoying 65F...good thing I like him so much, otherwise I might block his calls and texts!! Round of texting with Holea about tattoos got me thinking about how I could modify my flag tattoo...the wheels are turning!

Saturday, February 8

Nutrition: Despite the long run, only ~2100 calories. Surprisingly un-hungry. Probably helps to be running 12-2 then napping soon after - entirely missed lunch. Letting it be, but will not try to restrict tomorrow in case that's is when the body decides to replenish.

Sleep: 9.75 (!) hours in bed, 945p-730a, 88% quality. Up at 5a to let Hank out, MORE than happy to go straight back to bed, very grateful I wasn't joining the 6a run. Pretty solid otherwise, but Hanky did wake me up again at 730a, the restless brat. Post-run, I wasn't especially tired, so I puttered; but at 4p I crashed and enjoyed a solid 1.5-hours in bed, but again Hanky was tromping and waking me up, was at most an hour of sleep.

Healthy Movement: Body was feeling decent. No specific aches or pains in lower body. Weather was  between layers so I wore compression socks on the run itself, then kept them on all day. Run/walk went okay, not as good as hoped, but at least I got two hours of forward motion in, 80% of it running. Hips were the first to show fatigue, then blisters began to form along the inside of my ball-of-foot callus (a spikes issue), and then ankles started in a little as well, just feeling stiff and immobile. So, I packed it in at 2 hours instead of the 2.5-3 that I had expected to be a piece of cake. I can keep doing this, and plug in deloads at shorter distance but longer run stretches...if it works. I thought today would have worked a lot better, so I'm not really sure what else to do. Post-run, used PVC and stretched, particularly hams/glutes (had used NSS as parking spot). Left ball of foot joint ached a bit in the eve, and right hamstring was tight.

Other than the run, I was sitting all day, working on taxes and bill-paying and the like. My mouse is way too far ahead (left side) which could be a factor in the left shoulder weirdness. Forgot about the batwing holds until eve, logged 'em then.

Fun & Play: Found a little time for reading. Well-behaved pets. Taxes & bill-paying!

Stress Management: Upset the walk/run didn't feel easy nor get me farther. Upset to even be doing a walk/run. Feeling defeated.

Friday, February 7

Nutrition: Began taking fish oil today. Fingers are crossed. Planning to double-dose on Friday & Saturday. Also went back to double-dosing D sometime this past week.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 945p-515a, 89% quality. Hubs kept me up late (he left for FL today...gone for two whole weeks); and the body, Hank, & Oscar woke me up early. I want a nap.

Healthy Movement: Body decent. Logged two 10-sec batwing stretches in the AM, forgot in the PM. Neck muscles feel tender, when I press on them, pretty much fine when I stretch them. Half day of standing, afternoon sitting at NSS.

Noticed that when I put myself into "shoulders back & down" position, the left has to go much farther backward in order  to go down. So I tried to keep my focus on good posture at NSS; was a lot of work! Not sure what would be different between the two sides other than the mouse on my left hand, but maybe I'm logging longer hours in front of a computer and on top of that, the extra pressing, less pulling, and, oh, extra life stress, is multiplying the imbalance. Or maybe it's some crazy Z-Health type thing where my right leg is having issues so my left arm is, too. Wouldn't surprise me anymore, the body is impossibly, frustratingly complex.

Would have chillaxed in the hot tub, but that leaves me feeling dehydrated, and that's no way to start a long run. Iced shoulder for a bit, just before bed.

Fun & Play: Olympics kick-off at work. Perusing Carly's Pinterest page - she has potential to be among my favorite people - and sharing it with my Buddy. Afternoon at NSS.

Stress Management: I feel like I shouldn't have left TS as early as I did, before we had every company closed; yet I'm totally fucking superfluous in the close process these days, they didn't need me anyway; but it looks bad, and as a lead, I actually have to be conscious of what people thing when I would prefer to tell them to fuck right the fuck off. (Love me some bitchy moany run-on sentences today!)

Thursday, February 6

Nutrition: Extra-large breakfast today. Finally remembered to bring in coconut milk (HI, JOY) and crap, now I want to drink coffee all the live-long day!

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 90% quality. Solid until 4a, in/out after that, mostly in, and Hank forced my hand at 5a, the jerk. I mean, he gets up, eats, and then goes back to bed...why can't he just sleep longer to start with?! Had a slow, extra-long breakfast in an effort to recoup.

Healthy Movement: Body is decent. Blood-blistered finger is more of a problem than I thought it would be. Stupid lack of coordination! Session made me cry again. Feeling defeated by my body and still on that emotional rollercoaster. Dustin gave me plenty of things to do for the shoulder, threw out ideas for the run issues, told me I wasn't broken, but I am still waiting to grow up and handle stress without tears. Still waiting to stop thinking I am what I do. Yoga session felt good, hip work, but didn't attempt any crocodile poses. Took two ibuprofen in eve. 

Fun & Play: More great progress on the presentation. Session (yes, both good & bad). Time with the hubs and critters.

Stress Management: Left work on a massively frustrated note. People making decisions without relaying back to me; direct reports not doing what I asked; direct reports who don't share information with me. Very annoyed with the world.

Wednesday, February 4

Nutrition: I forgot my lunch at home. Sadface. As a bonus, a surprisingly easy low-cal day.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 86% quality. Solid until 330a, in/out after that. Got up feeling pretty rested. Smelling freshly-brewed coffee helped - first time since getting the pot that Hanky let me sleep in long enough for the program to start it!

Healthy Movement: My shins hurt when I did the class warm-up. What. The. FUCK. I don't even. Pinched a finger between plates to get a blood blister, but I stabbed & drained it, and it seems like it'll be fine. Sat most of the morning, working on presentation & viewing a webinar in an office. Left work a bit early, just past 4p, to get in a short run before pulling the sled with Holea. Guess which one was more enjoyable. Things were okay while running, but felt right shin pulling the sled backward, felt right hamstring pulling it forward. Neck/shoulder jacked-ness is better today but still not normal. Didn't test it with anything.

Fun & Play: Chatting with Lisa. Feeling good about the presentation. Chatting with Holea.

Stress Management: Along with lunch, I also forgot the work I brought home so I basically had to recreate it, due to deadline of noon today. (Oh, no big deal, I looove rework.) Winter running and janky body parts.

Read This: Aimee Anaya Everett

Motivation
I am terrified to say ‘I never want to compete again’, and I am terrified to say ‘I will compete again’. The truth is, I am scared to stay with something when such a big part of me constantly whispers ‘just be done’, while another part of me says ‘you’re not finished… quit holding yourself back’. All signs aside, for now I am going to train as hard as I am able to every time I put on my shoes. I will be as tough and fierce as I allow myself to be on any given day. I will lift the bar because I love it, and not because I feel obligated to do so. I will be happy for what the platform gives me, and I suppose I need to learn that whatever choice I make will not make me any less of a person or any less of an athlete. I can be amazing without being the best weightlifter. Right?
Today, I can’t find my motivation and I do hope it comes back. But the important thing I feel I have learned is that if it doesn’t come back there must be a real good reason. And if I never have it again, I will be okay.
http://www.catalystathletics.com/articles/article.php?articleID=1692


Aimee's struggle is with whether or not to compete in the Olympic lifts, so I can't fully relate, not dealing with the same problem exactly, but I can relate to the emotional upheaval and the seesaw back and forth about what she really truly wants.


I want to love running, but right now I don't. I want to be in the woods where even if the run is hard...nature soothes my soul. My soul is decidedly NOT soothed by winter running.


And the line, "I can be amazing without being the best weightlifter. Right?" is absolutely killing me dead. Positive self-talk, but massive self-doubt.
 I can be amazing without being the strongest/fastest/endurancest. Right?

Tuesday, February 4

Nutrition: Another giant (in calories) breakfast, bacon & eggs & GF toast & coffee. So basically: perfection! Still aiming for big satisfying meals to avoid noshing all day, but couldn't quite avoid a snack this AM.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 930p-545a, 88% quality. Mostly solid as a rock, but dozing in/out 4a onward. Also woke up wondering what day it was and was very disappointed at the answer. For some reason I felt like it should already be Thursday.

Healthy Movement: Body is decent. Session made me cry, just tired of feeling injured and lame. I'm not exactly injured nor am I weak, but I no longer feel excellent every hour at NSS, and that's sad-making and incredibly frustrating, and often times I'm just not mentally capable of tolerating it. I don't have the answer. (Besides "Stop training for a spring marathon.")

And yet...

I can't tell you how often I wonder if I'm not capable of Doing All The Things simply because I tell myself I'm not capable. If I could believe in my ability to train for a spring marathon, would I be able to make it happen? Or am I aiming too high yet again, and no matter how deeply I desire that Boston finish line, my body will never love long winter runs?

Am I being defeated because I'm mentally incapable? Or am I being defeated because I'm physically incapable?

If I buckle down and force myself through those long runs, am I going to emerge triumphant once again? Or just fucking broken once again?

HALP.

Fun & Play: It was a long work day, and I even took work home, but it was for the training that I'm REALLY excited to do. I'm such a dork. Also boosted when I left a RAK for someone:



Stress Management: Re-read the Whole9 post about recovery first thing in the morning and again in the evening. I should probably read it every day. 

But I'm still struggling to decide...am I just being lazy, or am I just this delicate?

Monday, February 3

Nutrition: Three very large meals, zero snacking. Something has to change, let's try this.

My JoyBuddy delivered me some delightful lemony fudge-like treats. I ate them all. SO GOOD.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 76% quality. Not enough, but Hanky's tromping woke me. Bleah.

Healthy Movement: Thought I was feeling pretty good, but knees were oddly stiff going down the stairs, and shins hurt on jacks/flings in class warm-up. Thought shoulders were better until I demonstrated DB OH press on left side and it hurt quite a bit - yesterday it was only horizontal press that hurt, and vertical was all good! ARGH.

Headed out for a lunch run with no real plan. Went to the bike trail, knowing Heidi H has been running on it - but I should've had my spikes, it was tough with no traction. Right ham tightness seems to be tied to foot slippage. I also tried to go slow enough to see a heart rate under 150, but that was impossible. It was a run/walk because the shins hurt, as did my right big toe's blood blister when I landed wrong. Ugh. Everything about the run told me, "Fuck this winter running thing." Although I saw a giant snowshoe hare, that was pretty cool. I think I need to concede that a run/walk plan is in order for my long runs.

Lame.

Post-run, my feet were very purple. I sat for two hours in the afternoon (quiet work time) which felt good - I was physically tired and working on something mentally draining.

Fun & Play: A treat from my Buddy. Husband time.

Stress Management: Meetings that I have to skip (and feel guilty about). Husband leaving for two weeks. Shitty runs and sore shins. So. Much. Work. I wrote up the review for my most difficult direct report today, and it was INCREDIBLY draining.

Sunday, February 2

Nutrition: I ate a metric ton of pistachios today. Yeah, that's healthy, you bet. Okay no, but maybe this is: egg bake made with ground beef seasoned with my breakfast sausage spice mix, onions, shrooms, and a dozen eggs. Bacon grease on the bottom & sides of pan. Deliciousness as a result!

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 1030p-6a, 83% quality. In late due to the birthday party, but Hanky let me sleep in a little. Thanks, pal! No nap time, though I should have forced it.

Healthy Movement: Upper back is almost normal. Had a delightful OH press workout with my Buddy, strong, lots of bonus mobility & stretching, much chatting. Spent the afternoon being lazy. Couch-sitting aggravated my shoulder (too crunched-in?) so I avoided it after I got my fill of the Puppy Bowl. Should have iced it, forgot. Drained the blister on left arch; not hurting, but I gotta run tomorrow, so it has to get gone.

Fun & Play: Keeping tabs on Shawn in her 100-miler (28 unfathomable hours). Buddy session. Kitten Bowl, Puppy Bowl, snuggling with Hank. Reading time.

Stress Management: The week ahead makes me hyperventilate. The auditors arrive next Monday. Reviews are supposed to be done this Friday. Need to help plan team goal-setting meeting at the end of the month. Financial Literacy (which I am teaching) needs to get finalized this week. Husband leaves on Thursday. Supposed to go to an LAPW philanthropic meeting at noon Monday, and an RFL meeting Monday night. Oh, and swing through NSS to send out the statements I stupidly spaced on Friday. Oh, and log a run, preferably more than a simple half hour.

HALP.

Saturday, February 1

Nutrition: Pre-run nutrition was GF toast w/ coconut oil & jelly, and a chia/fruit pouch immediately before. Energy was fine. Banana pouch immediately after.

For lunch I had a BLAT & strawberry kombucha, and it was fantastic; pretended the bright sunshine meant summertime as I chowed. At the very least, we're past January, right?

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 930p-445a, 85% quality. Solid until 330a, dozed thereafter. Napped solidly 130-330p, like a boss.

Healthy Movement: Body slightly improved - but upper back still feels tight as hell. Didn't know what to expect for the run, but it was going pretty well, averaging 8:45 pace comfortably, but the blister on the arch of my left foot started to hurt at a mere 3.5 miles. That was a good turning point in the route, otherwise I would've been stuck with 8+ miles, so I took it. On the solo trip back to my car, I discovered I could avoid the blister pain most of the time, but I was already mentally set on being done at the car, so I was. Only 5.6 miles. Disappointed at how eager I was to take that reason to quit after telling myself all I has were excuses; what has happened to "it's only skin," Sabrina?

My solo pace indicates that I should really ditch Dan for the longer runs; I absolutely should not be trying to run them at an 8:30 pace, or I'm going to keep crashing. I read up on Phil Maffetone & his heart rate recommendations, which indicate my long runs should be at a rate of 130-140...and today was freaking 178. My exercising heart rate has always been high, but that's a huge difference; I can't imagine not having IT band issues if I slowed down enough to be 130-140. I don't know what to do. One thing I can try: track spikes. Ordered three pair of shoes; thanks for the free shipping, Amazon. (Christ, I'm sick of blowing money on winter running gear!)

Came back home & logged 40 min of walking on the treadmill, to make up the missed time on feet and because I could do that barefoot, then did yoga a couple hours later. Avoided crocodile pose again, after testing it one time (it still hurt like a bitch); just held plank each time. Tried some pull-ups, even ring pull-ups, and those felt fine. The hell is going on, body?

Rest of the day: laziness. Wore compression socks all day after treadmilling. At least my shins seems to be doing fine, so I am thankful for that. Upper back tightened up again in the eve, so I finally took some ibuprofen, and also tried a hot cup of Natural Calm, just before bed.

Fun & Play: Watching Hank hunt mice while I treadmilled. Yoga. Texting with my Buddy. Snuggle time with kitties. Fetched new (used) garage fridge (more freezer space!) from the parents. Went to our niece/goddaughter's first birthday party, the one postponed from last blizzardy Sunday. She couldn't possibly be any cuter!

Lovin' her cupcake.

Laughing at Uncle Troy.

I call this one "Mutual Distrust."

We gave her the My Very Own Name book,and for a whole second she looked interested!

Friday, January 31

Nutrition: Snacky again. Hating my face, acne is terrible right now. No easy reason, of course. So frustrating.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 85% quality. Solid but dozing after 4a.

Healthy Movement: Rest day. Almost all sitting, PTO and NSS. Upper back is still super incredibly sore; iced it in the eve (forgot last night). Energy level has improved, lower body feels a little better but still not normal. Rumble roller on lower body in eve.

Fun & Play: Helping dad with some bookwork stuff. NSS was a total blast. Lunch at Trav's with Timmy & Mac (second breakfast!). TV watching. Cuddly pets.

Quote

"There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food."
-Ron Swanson