Friday, November 29

Nutrition: Brownies & coffee for breakfast, strictly because I wasn't the slightest bit hungry. Felt pretty junky most of the day, guts unhappy, tired, bleah. Ate a real, true meal at supper time, finally feeling a bit normal then.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 9p-6a, 80% quality. Took ages to fall asleep, was nearly there when cats got active. Woke once when Hop got up, otherwise was solid right to my alarm. Stupid alarm! Got pretty tired at mid-day, decided to shift my NSS work to Saturday, so that I could go home and nap 3-5p. Solid as a rock.

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent, just tired. Wore new running shoes, exact same as the pair I've been doing my longer runs in, but they made my heels & arches hurt. Hits them in wrong spot for walking or standing, though good when running & up on forefoot. Weird. Logged an OH press session, discovered my left hamstring is tight as hell, though right side is normal. What the? Half a standing work day, rest of the time on my butt. Or back.

Fun & Play: Upper body workout. Dose of Black Friday shopping (online only!). Sweet calm tired pets.

Grateful: For a short holiday season. That WON'T be followed by tax season. Not even sure I can fully comprehend that yet.

Thursday, November 28

Nutrition: Sure am glad my brownies had terrible form. More for me! Otherwise I did okay. Overate, of course, but it was all meat and veg, not fake shit (besides brownies), so I am not beating myself up at all. Forgot lunch supps in all the madness.

Thrilled to eat the messy bits!

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 90% quality. Fairly solid though woke hourly from 2a onward. Really tired 10a, snagged a catnap on couch 20 minutes.

Healthy Movement: Low back is TIGHT, rolling over in bed was feeling awful. Upper back a bit sore but mild given the many dips. Better as I moved, but by 8p, after a long busy day, could feel left low back telling me to shut the fuck down.

Fun & Play: Happy families, hot-tubbin' kids, excited dogs, terrified kitties, holiday chaos, wouldn't change a thing.

Grateful: For the house that allowed us to host. It was super fun!

Wednesday, November 27

Nutrition: Ate breakfast before 530a training, then nothing ('cept coffee) afterward, wasn't even hungry or craving. Interesting. Had too much coffee, otherwise a fine day - didn't even have desire for freshly-baked GF brownies, nor did I feel deprived not eating freshly-baked beer bread. What is going on?

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 845p-415a, 79% quality. Slept like a rock until 315a, then dozing. Brain was busy calculating not falling asleep for a full cycle, no available nap time, how early will I need to go to bed tonight so I'm not a bitch tomorrow, etc. Blargh!

Healthy Movement: Still weird zing in right leg, but session was awesome. Massive dip day! Then spent a few excellent hours being lazy, and followed those with about 6 solid hours of cleaning. Ugh. Low back began to bug around 3 or 4, just fatigue, methinks.

Fun & Play: Sesssion. Coffee delivery & visit with my Buddy & her Woody dog, who I've never met before. Could have sat there chatting all day! Pretty darned well-behaved pets during a day of home-upheaval. The smell of fresh beer bread.

Grateful: For Mom's help. House hasn't been this clean since we moved in! Still, I get zero satisfaction from cleaning, can think of a hundred million things I'd rather do. Like pay someone else to clean.

Tuesday, November 26

Nutrition: Breakfast was satisfying this morning...possibly because the Keurig is finally working right after another round of descaling last night. A full cup of coffee = muy importante.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 9p-6a, 97% quality. Yes. Sound sleep all night, but woke to Hank whining to get outside - probably could've made it a little bit longer.

Healthy Movement: A little less creaky than yesterday, but still feeling some odd twinges in the right lower leg. Had the gear for an evening run, but had no desire. Cold, dark, meh. Mid-week rest day, what what?

Fun & Play: Team outing to play Bingo - no winnings, but it sure beat working. Essentially a Friday for me, PTO tomorrow and a holiday on Thursday. Nice!

Grateful: For team outings.

Read This: Erik Schimek

You Are Infinite

You are amazing. You can be anything that you choose to be.
You are infinite. Your beliefs define the possibility and potential of your existence. Your actions create powerful ripples that shape the world around you.
You are blue, green, red, mangenta and brown. You are that vaguely orange-ish color found on the side of a old, sun-faded box of Wheaties.
You are wondering what sort of trippy drug I’m on, and a part of you is rationalizing this message away. A part of you is saying that you are NOT infinite, because of blah blah blah. A part of you is thinking, “Erik, dude! Life is hard, I’m doing my best, stop trying to talk like you’re Richard F’ing Simmons or something.”
Our society is structured to keep us tied down by the doubting, rational parts of our brains. The underlying rule of our society is that if you want to eat and have shelter, then you need to get a job and do what you’re told. The rule is that if you want to engage in creative, self-actualizing work then you need to jump through a LOT of hoops like go to college for 10 years, engage in a risky entrepreneurial venture, or resolve yourself to a life of ramen noodles and artistic struggle.
What I’m telling you is, it doesn’t have to be this way.
You don’t need to change society in order to find a creative, joyful and self-actualized vocation. You need to change yourself. And this change begins when you take one small, fearless step forward into the infinite.
Go read it all, and check out his other posts, too. Good stuff all around.

Monday, November 25

Nutrition: Found a good breakfast: homemade pork breakfast sausage, cauli/onion mixture, egg whites. Pretty tasty!

My team birthday treat was almonds. Which I ate without thinking. Hello, those are on the allergy list!! I am dumb.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 9p-445a, 62% quality. Up at 2a to let a whining Lexi outside, hit bathroom, water, macaroon since I was up. At 445a, Hank was up & whining. UGH.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling super creaky and nearing outright junky. Shins hurt like a bastard doing jacks in class warm-up, everything felt terribly unconnected when I ran like twenty feet to crank the stereo. Very much happy to have me a lifting day. Session was excellent: bench PR of 110x3. Even better (kinda/sorta) is that they were not even great grooving, pure muscle & fight to get #3 up! Knees felt fat & stiff by the end of the day.

Fun & Play: Great class. Great session. Good team-building break this afternoon with my direct reports.

Grateful: For books. 

Read This: Amanda Trusty

Excellent stuff here for those of you with binge-y tendencies, or anyone else with body-image issues. Which is probably, oh, everyone, right?

She's writing specifically from the viewpoint of someone in the entertainment industry in NYC, which sounds pretty horrible - at least with most of us, what we look like does not actually matter to anyone, above a base level of hygiene.

But there is much to be gleaned from her writing, even if it's only this:

Recovery is a process.

First, start with the ROAR video, then go back to her very first post and work your way through the blog. I'm not even halfway, but I've already cried tears of recognition. Loving it.

Sunday, November 24

Nutrition: Birthday waffles! Second breakfast at Northwoods w/ my besties! Third breakfast of leftover waffles! Mostly fine, though I was a little unable to dial back on the Sunbutter with my afternoon apple.

Food prep: Salads galore, breakfast sausage, onion/cauli mixture, slow-cooker chicken.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 1030p-530a, 78% quality. Probably could've slept in later, but Hanky was whining.

Healthy Movement: 3.5m birthday run went well. Didn't feel awesome, but certainly doable. Legs in decent shape for it. Felt a little bit tired & depleted the rest of the day, though that was probably due to sleep.

Fun & Play: A birthday text from my bro & cousin. A good run. A great breakfast. Silly doggies. Tons of reading time.

Grateful: For getting older. Beats the alternative!

Saturday, November 23

Nutrition: Mentally awful. Macaroons before the run. Semi decent afterward, but unsatisfying (hot dog & jerky & banana because I had to leave right for the parents'). Sadface there, had to supply my own veg to have more to eat than just turkey & grapes; then tired and cranky and cashew-addicted afterward. I literally had to throw the away those cashews: trigger food. Sadface as we discussed the Thanksgiving menu. At supper I felt bloated and nasty and didn't eat much. Added a cup of CalMag afterward.

No soy for a while. And no more cashews. My skin is perfectly awful.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 74% quality. Up at midnight for bathroom, water, macaroon. Got up tired. Tried to nap 315-445p but didn't get much, got up tired. 

Healthy movement: Upper body quite sore and glutes & hams still a little stiff. 6.84m run was tough as hell. Cold wasn't so bad, but it was way too fast for me today. Last two miles felt awful but I was determined to find some mental strength. Legs sore rest of day. On my feet butchering for approx 4 hours. Logged some chins at home, 4x5, and they felt super hard. WTF?

Fun & Play: Run. Family time at the parents', butchering hogs. Time with the hubs. Sweet cuddly pups:

Grateful: For my family. 

Friday, November 22

Nutrition: Very close to "food is fuel" already. Cravings disappearing, but I'm not getting enough calories this way. Had my soy protein. Face is reacting as suspected. Do I stop?

Doolittle's used to be a delightful meal out with the hubs. Now, leaning toward sad:

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 845p-530a, 88% quality. Up at 1a for bathroom, water, macaroon. Woke to dogs. Tired. 

Healthy Movement: Rest day. Aching everywhere, but only upper body is truly stiff. Sat all day (NSS & PTO today) but on feet a couple hours and probably logged a mile during the shopping extravaganza with the hubs. 

Fun & Play: Treated Holea & me to Caribou. Great and very productive morning at NSS. Hanging with the hubs. Supper out was still mostly good. Bunch of birthday books at Target. Silly goat-related messages from my Joy. Happy pups at home. 

Grateful: For the ROUS group that will get my butt out the door into the freeeezing cold tomorrow morning. 

Thursday, November 21

Nutrition: I was so lost at breakfast. And unsatisfied: egg whites w/ turkey pepperoni, topped with salsa. And a macaroon and a few nuts. Lame. I'm trying to morph back into "food is fuel" mode, which is sad-face-making. I was literally thinking, on my drive home, "Why don't we have food-in-a-pill invented yet?" I'm tired of eating and thinking about eating. Tired of it all.

I analyzed the sheet from Dr H that gives me quantities to eat from each food group, and I think I'm going to ignore it. If I literally only had those servings, I'd come in at 1200 calories. And turn into a tired, pathetic pile. So, then I'd have to count calories to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm not going to get obsessed about both what I'm eating and how much and whether I'm getting all the proper food groups. I just can't go back down that road. I can't. I'll eat what I always eat, minus the stuff on the tests, and go from there.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 9p-6a, 94% quality. Woke when Hop came home, but fell right back. Up at 3a for bathroom, water, macaroon, and it took a while to fall back. Alarm woke me, and I got up feeling a little on the tired side. Kind of dragging all day.

Healthy Movement: Body is stiff & sore, but not too bad, considering all that I did yesterday. Session went great; felt good, and left feeling happy. Still, I did NOT want to go back to work. Felt a little on the depleted side post-session, but then I didn't feel ideal going in, either. Better after eating.

Fun & Play: Birthday card & gift from Lisa. Delicious tea treat from Joy. Session. Husband at home.

Stress Management: Feeling buried at work. Overwhelmed. I consolidated my to-do list and it's two fucking pages long. Stayed until 6p to get some emails/requests sent off since I'm out tomorrow. Feel like I should be working tomorrow, but determined not to.

Grateful: For my silly bouncy puppy dog.

Wednesday, November 20

Nutrition: Slept too late for breakfast, so jerky & macaroons. Again.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 68% quality. Felt much better than that; woke when Hop came home, but otherwise it was nice & solid.

Healthy Movement: Class warm-up & a half-dozen scap pull-ups again. Sat most of today, meetings again. Session was awesome. Post-doctor, I had time to kill before sprints w/ Holea, and beautiful weather, so I did a run/walk. Then we did our sprints, which felt good.

Fun & Play: Great class, seeing Travis nail the 5-rep bench that's been dogging him. Long but very productive morning meeting. Session. Sprints w/ Holea.

Stress Management: I did not enjoy the doctor's visit today. Here's the highlights:
  • High cholesterol: no surprise. Prescribed a protein powder has additives specifically meant to target this. Drink it twice per day.
  • Hypoglycemic: eat every 2-3 hours. I used to do this, then got sick of all the effing food prep and planning. I've sort of drifted back to it anyway, lately. (I think it amounts to pure carbs only = a blood sugar crash. So I could either eat more often...or I could avoid eating simple carbs only...but I'm not the doctor.)
  • Low white blood cell count: odd. She is frankly not sure why that would be, could be a variety of things. Something to watch. It's not a sign I'm fighting a sickness, because then it would be the opposite.
  • Low vitamin D: supplement added. Big boost now, cut to half in a month, half after another month, maintain there until spring & the return of sunshine.
  • Allergens:
    • HIGH: clam, flax seed, common ragweed (environmental stuff was tested also - I could've promised her this one!)
    • MODERATE: none
    • LOW: cottage cheese, lactalbumin (a dairy protein), string bean, crab, pinto bean, navy bean, cinnamon, mustard, nutmeg
    • VERY LOW: casein, cheddar, cow's milk, yogurt, egg yolk, almond, kidney bean, oat, sesame, yeast, cantaloupe, parmesan cheese, allspice, basil, black pepper, cayenne, cumin, curry, dill, fennel, ginger, horseradish, oregano, paprika, parsley, peppermint, sage, thyme
    • NONE: goat's milk, most fruit, most vegetables, most meat, buckwheat, corn, gluten, lentil, lima bean, peanut, pecan, rice, rye, soy, sunflower seed, walnut, wheat, cane sugar, chocolate, coffee, cashew, coconut, pistachio, bay leaf, cloves, marjoram, rosemary, vanilla
    • Nothing that would be a severe reaction (like anaphylactic shock). I underlined the surprises. What's up with all those spices?
However, allergens show an immune-system reaction only...but even if my immune system is fine with them, these things could still potentially cause acne. Which is why I walked out unhappy. I feel right back where I've always been: food logs, elimination-diet testing, work work work and obsess obsess obsess. I'm so fucking TIRED of this, I've been doing it for three fucking YEARS.

But I'm doing what I'm told. I will log it all. I will cut out everything with even a very low reaction (only real impacts: egg yolk, almond, yeast, mustard [but those are fucking sad, I LOVE my basted eggs every day!]) and see what happens before adding anything that appears to be acceptable. But I am already adding the soy protein powder: had it after supper, and it left me terrified. If my face goes to shit, it will be the day before my birthday, and I'm going to be so. fucking. depressed. Cross your fingers.

Grateful: For the end of pumping season. FINALLY.

Tuesday, November 19

Nutrition: Shortcuts galore: jerky, macaroons, pork rinds. At least I had two apples, and a salad at lunch, so that's something.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 89% quality. Solid, though woke at 330a & dozed there onward. Hanky whined me awake at 5a. Argh.

Healthy Movement: Did 10 scap pull-ups at home in the AM, trying to get some movement in the upper back without risking angry elbows. Otherwise, almost the entire day, 930a-8p, was spent sitting. Yuck!

Fun & Play: Although it will make more work in the end, a day out for training was a nice change of pace. AND, the training itself was pretty GD awesome. We learned a ton.

Grateful: For the team member who figured out the training; he thought outside the box and came up with a fantastic solution.

Monday, November 18

Nutrition: Somewhat okay. I have these date rolls in my desk drawer and they are fantastic. Pure sugar, so obviously too addicting for me to have on hand. Rather snacky at supper time.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 830p-5a, 89% quality. Not that good - Hank whined to go outside at 3a, and I felt like I was awake the entire time after that, though I got up feeling good.

Healthy Movement: Feeling yesterday's pulls in the elbows, even though it was only 16. What?! Tight spot in upper left back, hard to stretch. Went out on a lunch run once I figured out a simple route that would log me 20 miles in three days...but it only went okay. Running too fast for my lungs again. Shins a bit achey, too...not like they got this summer, but I feel like I need to finish that phrase with a "yet." Hoping that logging this plan of three-consecutive-days mileage, then dialing it back during the week, helps to boost the recovery where it will need to be come January. Shins did ache later, and legs were also dead logs after a flight of stairs.

Fun & Play: Class was fun. Run was only okay, but the sunshine was phenom & walking is still okay, not yet at awful winter temps. Long day at TS (11 hours) but felt VERY productive. I even finished up by not saving a file and STILL was in a good mood. Wow! At home, laziness with the pets.

Grateful: For smart coworkers.

Sunday, November 17

Nutrition: Meh. I ate way too many macaroons, and lunch was jerky. (Where are the veggies?!) However, I did make 7 salads and slow-cooked chicken & veg so I'm set for the week.

Sleep: 10 hours in bed, 845p-645a, 82% quality. Took a while to fall asleep, and felt like I was awake 5a onward, was shocked when I saw 645a. It's weird the % is so low, when my graph shows deep sleep from 10p-3a. Is it "better" to cycle? I disagree; I'd have rated it 95%.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling pretty good. Hams & glutes almost normal, but calves were tight on the walk/run. I went out to it in a shitty mood (hubs) so I walked in an effort to find some peace & quiet in Nature, but instead I just found cold, so I did run after all. Pushed hard when I did, which felt all right, but post-outing, I felt fully depleted.

Logged some pulls throughout the afternoon: 4x4. Lawd, they are so much tougher than NG! Zero swing also made 'em harder, but oof, those are a LONG way from 9 straight.

Fun & Play: Finished my chores early. Podcast-filled day. Dose of nature. Dog park outing including two new pooches and cute/terrorized Mitzi. Time to read with snuggly kitties. Thanksgiving meal planning.

Grateful: For this view:

Saturday, November 16

Nutrition: Long run day, thus fueled by cookies. I'm okay with that.

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 84% quality. Solid as hell until 4a, then dozing until I gave up. I really should've turned in earlier, though. Logged a 1.5-hour catnap 230-4p.

Healthy Movement: Glutes & hams are even more sore than yesterday. Dustin's gonna have to pull those walking lunges out or something, I don't want this kind of soreness on long run day! 7.9m run was awesome anyway, everything felt really good. I even followed it up with downhills, 7 solid trips down; and all I finished with was sore hams & glutes, and a touch of long-run achiness. Knees, IT bands = perfectly happy, thus so was I!

Fun & Play: ROUS group run, 10 folks, quite a turnout. Three people (Lisa, Holea, CJ) joining me on Victoria, then all of us, plus Joy, hitting Trav's for breakfast. Pet store shopping for Mr Hanky. Snuggly Clyde and all the pets getting along fairly well. Husband home in the eve.

Grateful: For ROUS. The running group is playing a key part in re-solidifying my love of running. It's amazing.

Friday, November 15

Nutrition: Semi-okay. Down to two cookies, from three yesterday, so that's something, right?

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 915p-545a, 89% quality. Sound. Woke at 215a, fell right back, woke to Hanky whining to get outside. A big improvement from earlier this week, at least!

Healthy Movement: I am rather sore from yesterday, feeling as if I did heavy deadlifts...walking lunges? Must be. Also sore upper buddy from dips, happy to feel that. Took a 20-ish-minute walk with Holea & Mitzi to enjoy the sunshine. Did 5 tactical pull-ups to see how they felt: just okay.

Fun & Play: Busy work morning, good convo with one team member, small crew today made things more peaceful. Afternoon at NSS including a visit with The Adorable Mitz and providing a dose of great information to the bosses. Booked an overnight getaway to Brainerd with the Hoppe clan in December. Not too keen on the waterpark concept, but a quiet room of our own ought to make it tolerable.

Grateful: For some spare time at NSS to work on some neat-o reporting.

Thursday, November 14

Nutrition: Solid, other than three cookies this afternoon. Oops.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 9p-515a, 83% quality. Took a while to fall asleep, but was very solid once I did. Hank (& thus Lexi) got up at 515a, probably disturbed by the sound of hunters, so that was that. And I had morning meetings, so the idea getting a jump on the day kept me from falling back, otherwise I think I might have made it another hour.

Healthy Movement: Body feels awesome; I wish it wasn't deload week. (On the other hand, dumb ass, it's probably the exact reason you feel awesome!) Session with CJ was great fun, enjoyed deloading today. Also got to chat with Ms Holea. Wish I had been out running today, weather was amazing. But fresher legs on Saturday, right?

Fun & Play: Great convo with my lead. Made my team treats to celebrate their close this month. Session. Dentist appointment in Sauk got me an extra little dose of sunshine. Got to see my papa. Well-behaved pets.

Stress Management: My lead = awesome. I am reaching total impatience with a couple people, but she is making me feel better about a crapsticks situation. Still, I am super exasperated and unfortunately was a little bit rude at a team meeting. Not smart; I need to sit with them individually to discuss their attitudes. Such an encounter sounds awful, but it's better than perpetuating the negativity, dragging heels, & bringing everyone else down.

I don't understand why people are so resistant to a challenge. Isn't that the perfect opportunity to step up to the plate and show your value as an employee? I've gone through periods where challenges beat me down, sure, but it's not a lifetime viewpoint. For some people, it completely is; the world is against them in everything they do. Poor little victims incapable of seeing the positive side of anything at all.

Grateful: For my dad's break-in skills. Locked my keys in my car for the Nth time, was in Sauk, and he showed up in like 10 minutes and got me opened up in about 35 seconds. Sah-weet! And I was able to repay him with oatmeal raisin cookies (his fave) from today's fundraiser at work.

Wednesday, November 13

Nutrition: I was surprised that my normal breakfast was perfectly filling, given poor sleep and poor mental attitude and also the available time to overeat...all of which normally means I overeat. Instead, I just had extra coffee and read longer. Rest of the day was fine.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 915p-415a, 74% quality. Took ages to fall asleep, thinking about work stress, but was solid until 330a when Lexi woke up and bounced around until I let her outside. And I could not fall back; brain racing and body wired. Gave up and got up to have a leisurely morning, better than stewing about not sleeping.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good; tiny bit of stiffness in hams. Did warm-up and demonstrated moves in class, felt really good and I REALLY wanted to join in but stayed smart. I was feeling good enough to run at noon, and I desparately wanted to get out in the sunshine, but I decided against it. Based on my tolerance level for people and noise (approximately .5, on a scale of 1 - 100), I instead went outside and laid in the sunshine for 15 minutes, while listening to a good silly podcast. World of difference in my brain! I was going to sprint with Holea in the eve, but my poor tough pal angered her back again, while deadlifting. Total crapsticks. I again took that as an excuse to slack so I had me a full rest day in the middle of the week. What?!

Fun & Play: Class was fun, a different format to shake things up, went well. Found a mention of "Mrs Hoppe" in Lake Wobegon Days this morning...hey, that's me!! Good day at work, a few meetings but pretty productive. Able to use my lead powers to get some people doing shit differently, smartly, which felt good. Stopped & visited Holea to keep her feeling positive about her back, and as a bonus, I got to play a little fetch with Barkley. Fetch with both pooches on a warm night. Indoor training & excitement with both when Hop came home.

Temperance: This morning I made the decision to focus on the good comments and only the good comments.I didn't succeed all day, but I was able to stop thinking about it, at least.

Grateful: That the hubs came home at 7p. Not quite daylight, but for once he wasn't just a shadowy shoulder that showed up in my bed overnight!

Tuesday, November 12

Nutrition: Really good. Too busy to think about it. (In a good way.)

Sleep: 9.75 hours in bed, 830p-615a, 98% quality. Did NOT feel that great, though: Lexi acted up at 130a, Hop let her out but I still woke up, and got up for bathroom & water. Couldn't fall back, got back up for macaroon, more water. Still took ages to fall back, I know I saw 230a. Mind kept diving down work alleyways, had to consciously shut it down. UGH. Slept solidly until alarm buzzed me, got up feeling tired yet. Argh. Once I got moving, I was feeling much better.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good. After hauling trash can to road in morning, I ran back to the garage (cold bare legs!) and the calf muscles felt tight as hell, but today is not a running day, so no worries. Had today's session with CJ, since Dustin is new-baby-parenting, and it is deload week, thus nice & easy. BOO to deloading, especially when I feel so good - but it did mean extra time playing around with swing technique. But CJ made me deload on pulls, come ON, man!! I gave him plenty of grief for that. Although, if it means I boost my count next week, I'll happily go back & kiss his feet.

Post-session I talked with a coworker about my 5000 pull-up goal. She can do 3 or 4 pulls now, and she was wondering whether or not she'd be able to set such a goal. You KNOW I encouraged her, and you KNOW I'm going to hound her in January!

Fun & Play: While Lexi was a PITA overnight, Mr Hanky wasn't! Three straight nights inside, hooray! I've got to migrate him to a pillow, though, so wet winter paws stay offa my couch.

Temperance: My lead both sent me an email AND pulled me aside today to stress that the review my direct reports provided is more indicative of THEM than of the job I am doing. I love her.

Yet I still had a little breakdown in the eve. The comments that bother me most are the things I would least like to hear about myself: I'm not approachable, I'm not trustworthy, it's all about me. 

Even though I told myself that these comments are flat-out untrue and reminded myself that I've heard the exact opposite many more times, what sticks in my head is the saying "the customer's perception is your reality." So even if I am truly approachable...these two people think I am not. Therefore, I am not. At least, not approachable enough for them. 

So I have to adapt & accommodate & appease, which is not unreasonable. It's a fact of leadership, and adulthood in general, right? And yet I just want to shake them and demand they act like fucking grown-ups. I have shit to do, you have shit to do, so let's get it the fuck done and quit wasting time whining about the other shit! Ugh. I shouldn't be a lead. Do I really have the patience for all this hand-holding? And on the other hand, why can't I focus on the GOOD comments?

Grateful: That my neighborhood doe & two fawns are still alive. They walked through the back of our land this morning, and it made me so very happy to see those sweet round ears. I know that hunting is necessary, but dang it, I just love seeing those beautiful, peaceful creatures so close.

Monday, November 11

Nutrition: Quite good. See? There's always a silver lining to Mondays!

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 9p-430a, 67% quality. Woke when Hop came home at 1a-ish, and woke constantly 3a onward until I gave up at 430a. Got up feeling good & energized, though.

Healthy Movement: Body feels good, though shins are a little bit sore. Brisk morning train around the building at work, 13 minutes to cover everyone! 3.51m lunch run went very well; shins a teensy bit achey, but given how thoroughly I was dreading the cold, I'll take it!

Fun & Play: A second straight successful night indoors for Mr Hanky! Class was really fun, cranked the AC/DC and had to get creative with some injury issues. Spreadsheet/formula fixing fun with Mary. Successful run. Productive afternoon.

Temperance: Today I had a sort of review/check-in as a new lead. I clearly have a team member who has a problem with me, one with a bit of a half-problem, and two that are good. Based on the comments I can identify exactly who they are, and why they feel that way. I had to remind myself that almost anyone acting as their lead would receive the very same comments. It's got almost nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. Logically I know this. Emotionally, I want to cry. (Why doesn't everyone love me?) I reminded myself all day that not everyone loves chocolate, and not everyone will love me. But it's tough on me.

Guerilla warfare on the scale at work.

Grateful: For the mentoring program at work. Forces me to reflect, and get positive in that reflection, and I need that. And it's awesome to listen to him and realize how much of what he's telling me, I've already heard from Chief...such a wise young owl.

Sunday, November 10

Nutrition: Relatively okay, but I don't think I ate any vegetables after breakfast. Dumb.

That's a giant pork breakfast sausage patty with bacon pieces inside, between two GF pancakes. 'Twas amazing.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 945p-6a, 79% quality. Woke around 1 or 2 when Hop came home, but otherwise solid, though I should've gone to bed earlier.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling good. Visited my squat rack and brought my weekend pulls up to 40 with 7 chins later on. Ran 3.32m in Sauk Centre, too. All felt good, though shins were a little bit sore. Little tight afterward, and left foot giving occasional twinges.

Fun & Play: Hanky had a successful, well-behaved night inside. Got to see my hubs in the morning. Got a ton of stuff done, including all my chores, bunch of food prep, Dad's monthly bookwork visit, a car wash, grocery shopping, gift delivery, and kitty snuggling.

Grateful: That pumping season is almost over. My hubs is TAHRD. And I miss him.

Saturday, November 9

Nutrition: Not too great, lotta shortcuts: jerky, macaroons, coffee, DCP. Remembered my supplements, though.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 82% quality. Woke regularly, wide awake at 3a, dozing 4a onward. Got up feeling good, though.

Healthy Movement: Body feeling great, and 8.76m run couldn't have gone much better. (Before the run, I did 8 pulls for a little confidence boost.) After that, headed to Cities to meet friends, and did a LOT of walking, three laps around the MOA. Thus a lot of sitting, too, driving down & back. Body got a little bit stiff, but I felt much better than anticipated.

Fun & Play: Great run, Caribou coffee w/ fellow runners, visit with pals, time with my critters.

Grateful: That my peeps could gather for a fun outing.

Friday, November 8

Nutrition: Mostly solid. A little low on fresh veggies, have to get my food prep done ASAP.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 9p-530a, 76% quality. Up at 2a, bathroom, water, macaroon; I think my total calories yesterday were probably fine, as I had a lot of macaroons, but supper may have been too large.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling pretty damned good. Still, a long day at TS and less-than-ideal sleep made me cancel today's hill plan. Just wasn't into it. Oh well, more energy for tomorrow's run.

Fun & Play: Friday! New baby for Dustin & Becky! Working at NSS, busy busy there. Sweet pooches in eve.

Grateful: For my second job. Really.

Thursday, November 7

Nutrition: Fasting bloodwork meant no breakfast, but worst of all: no coffee. Felt cold, tired, miserable, & completely sorry for myself - until I realized the other people cycling through oncology were mostly cancer patients, or people in wheelchairs, or people with a cast from ankle to hip. Whelp, I'm doing just fine, now, aren't I?

Today I completely spaced on my new supplements. See? More proof this girl needs coffee to function! Back on track with supper intake.

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 845p-530a, 93% quality. Solid, though in/out 4a onward. At some point my husband came home, for the first time since Monday morning. Yikes. 

Healthy Movement: Body feels good; some stiffness in legs and glutes, but it's mild. However, fasting left me very tired. Felt a lot better after the glucose, but still sleepy. Even reading was too much effort. Once I was within 25 minutes of the final draw [stabbed three times in past two days: #thuglife] I perked up and started feeling better, probably because I eas salivating at the thought of my waiting pork jerky and macaroons. Rest of the day, had good energy level. Session went much better than I had expected based on my effed-up morning.

Fun & Play: Good morale at work. Great session. Great evening at home with all my fantabulous pets.

Stress Management: As I scanned yesterday's post to update my wellness spreadsheet [#nerdalert], I realized that I completely forgot about my weight after typing it. Like, did not think about it at all, not once, not even when I was telling Holea about the visit last night, or telling Dustin in today's session. Fucking GOLD STAR, bitches!

If you don't know my history, you won't know how huge that is, but after a period where my mood depended on the scale, always, daily, and obsessively, I am so grateful to have shed that need. Earlier this week, I watched a coworker head downstairs to weigh herself and I wanted to STOP her and hug her and turn her around. I was ruminating on that this morning and realized that I now see that as a sad addiction. Finally, because that's what it is.

Grateful: That I may have finally figured out the truth of this picture:

Wednesday, November 6

Nutrition: I am the Macaroon Queen today: carob (amazing), ginger (too subtle), & almond (too sweet), plus a few normal macaroons. Happy girl.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 83% quality. Wide awake & up for bathroom, water, macaroon at 3am. Argh. Calculated yesterday's intake to be 1800 at most. Definitely need more than that, more like 2000 as a minimum. So, today's solution was obviously macaroons!

Healthy Movement: Body feels great - significantly better than last week post-squats! No quad soreness at all, little tiny bit in glutes/hams. With 5 more reps, AND also heavier than last week. WTF? On the bright side, I also feel a little bit of core soreness. I like that. Did a 1.51m warm-up cruise before sprints with Holea - and everything felt great.

Fun & Play: Visit with doctor - a huge relief, feels like a giant load has dropped off my shoulders. Bonus time with Hanky, though he thought it was going to be the dog park (just the vet). Running with Ms Holea, always super fun times.

Stress Management: I met with a naturopathic doctor today; I couldn't take my face any longer, nor do I want the stress of playing detective, especially not as we roll into winter. I am simply handing myself over to her for the analysis & the decisions, and I'll just do what I'm told. Getting blood work done: she wants to look at blood sugar, vitamin D, cholesterol, and food allergies. She did baseline measurements of height, weight, & a bio-impedance test, but all I saw was my weight, since I was curious (& appropriately detached) - it was exactly where I expected it to be (148.6; I had guessed 145-150).

Right off the bat she prescribed high-dose fish oil, a probiotic, and a high-quality multi to see if they have any impact over the next two weeks, while we wait for bloodwork results. I'm loving her; she didn't say one single thing that raised a red flag, which gives me such great relief. I know her through LAPW and all I can think now is that I should have made this appointment just as soon as I met her! This is probably what I should have done last fall when I went to Steve & NCP - I'm just too much of a stupidly special snowflake to lay it all on poor Steve.

Side note to my mom: if this works like I hope it will, I'm going to be demanding that you go to her, too!

Grateful: That all of this doctoring is covered through my HSA, so I don't have to be anxious about the cost; yet another reason to be thankful I'm such an obsessive saver.

Read This: Fit Mama

Read everything in this blog, but start with this one.

A Letter to My Younger Self

Highlights (for me):
Some things will be harder for you than other people. Some things will come easier. Comparing yourself to others doesn’t honor your strengths or theirs. Write. Paint. Run. Box. Do things you love, even if you think you suck at them. It’s not all about being “good.” If you want to paint, paint. Make a bunch of terrible paintings and enjoy it the whole time. Enjoying it is reason enough.
. . .  
There is nothing wrong with your body. You will be fat. You will be thin. You will be strong. And eventually you will learn to value your body for yourself, view it as the walking manifestation of your spirit and not obsess over it’s details, your weight, if it’s “perfect.” Making a practice of treating it well will help lift you up into the person you are meant to be. Don’t underestimate the power of self care. Be patient. Be kind. You don’t deserve the way you belittle yourself about it now, you never have deserved that.
. . .
At times you will feel broken, used up and beyond repair. In some of those experiences you will find meaning and wisdom. Some will be unjust. Some will be at your own hand. You will survive. The depth of your pain will allow for depth of joy. Feel it all, but look for the joy. It’s there, too.

It's all here:

And again, the entire blog is worth reading, and the sexy hot chick at the top really isn't indicative of the awesome writing. (Go with the mobile version and you can avoid that picture.)

Please read. Please:

Tuesday, November 5

Nutrition: Feeling normal. I even got my giant delivery of macaroons today and wasn't even interested. Whoa. 

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 845p-6a, 85% quality. Woke at midnight, took a while to fall back; dozed in & out 3a onward. Got up a little tired, but energy was good all day. 

Healthy Movement: Body feels good, had a great session - 12 pulls again! Just three to go, and two months to get there...I can do this. 

Fun & Play: Session. Productive work day. Quiet eve at home. 

Stress Management: I am really missing my husband. Hugging a sleepy Mr Hanky or snugly Ms Lexi helps a little, as do kitties cuddling up tight every chance they get, but none of them give hugs in return. Still, it helps to have them all around me. 

Grateful: For inter-office treats, like today's Coconut Macaroon Uberbar - thank you, Ms Joy!!

Monday, November 4

Nutrition: Almost did a fast day to "make up" for yesterday, but I talked myself into being more reasonable, long-term approach to health, etc. I do not like the return to stupid thinking as my default. Happily, as I finished my run feeling fast and strong, I thanked yesterday's pizza calories.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 86% quality. Took ages to fall asleep, woke at 3a & 4a. Felt more like 70%. Not the best way to come into Monday.

Healthy Movement: Body is good; shins a bit sore. (Why now??) Did class warm-up and felt great - absolutely would've done class with the boys except I am too busy slinging weights onto barbells to be able to join in. So, good on past-me for smart programming. Had a fabulous lunch run - feel like I'm getting my speed back!

Fun & Play: Good run. Great afternoon meeting. Balanced eve at home, including sweet puppies. 

Grateful: For Miss Lexi. She is such a sweet li'l pooch. 

Sunday, November 3

Nutrition: Up & down. I had a couple cookies at breakfast, but I also craved a crunchy apple mid-morning, but I ate a whole pizza between lunch & supper. Meh.

Sleep: 9.5 hours in bed, 945p-615a (old time), 81% quality. Slept like a fuckin' CHAMP. For some reason I got super sleepy about 1p, and took a nap, in/out 1.5 hours.

Healthy Movement: Body feels fantastic. No lingering anything, not even stiff. Whoa! Wanted to run and lift, but when the sleepiness took over, it sucked away all of my motivation. Which depressed me, but I couldn't find any gumption at all; even watching TV took effort.

Fun & Play: Hanky was inside most of the day, and quite well behaved, too! Got my chores done. Couple rounds of fetch outside.

Grateful: That my laziness didn't impact anyone else.

Saturday, November 2

Nutrition: Ran on an English muffin w/ balsamic sauce & coconut butter. Plus coffee and a bit of water. Should've had more water, but I did fine. Post-run breakfast with Holea at Trav's: NOMS.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 915p-445a, 55% quality. Up at 1230p for bathroom, back to bed; up after 10 minutes for water & a cookie; took freaking ages to fall back. Woke naturally about 430a, which made it easier to get up to run. Could have used a nap, got pretty tired later on, but no dice. Bitches be socializing!

Healthy Movement: Body felt great getting up. Tiny bit of lingering deadlift soreness, but not enough to feel it on the 8.94-mile run. Right inner shin and left ball of foot gave occasional twinges late in the run, and both ankles started sending up fatigue signals right around the 8th mile; that only means I'm doing pretty much the exact distance I should be doing - nice! Post-run, I changed at NSS & logged another 5 NG pulls in order to say I tallied 100 of the hash marks on their white board (they're counting pulls this week). Rest of day mildly stiff, but quite good considering the run & all the sitting.

Fun & Play: Great run. Breakfast with Holea. Time with 'rents. Oilerie shopping. Cousin Diane's party for wee Sura. Birthday gift from 'rents: running pants & jerky from Cabela's.

Grateful: For my family.

Friday, November 1

Nutrition: Bit of a lower-cal & lower-carb day, up until supper. This was planned, and based on long run tomorrow. Waffles for supper...sounds like a good life, doesn't it?

Sleep: 9.5 hours in bed, 845p-615a, 89% quality. Completely solid. Beautiful!

Healthy Movement: Body still sore, but much improved. Happily feeling the deadlifts in my glutes & hams, but nowhere near post-squat aches, and better than last week. Planned rest day before tomorrow's run, though I did log some sweet dead-leg NG pulls over at NSS: 7x5, all sets at an hour apart.

Fun & Play: Friday! Random run-in & chat with my favoritest Buddy. Quick visit to see Holea's new place. Great, productive afternoon at NSS. Did I mention waffles for supper? Poochie fetch and indoor training and laziness at home.

Grateful: For pull-ups. Nothing makes me feel stronger.

Personal Growth:

From my daily calendar. Tied to the quote, "Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm" -Winston Churchill
Here's my list:
  • IT band issues in 2009 that solidified my love for running and led me directly to Dustin & NSS and all the wonderful changes & successes & friendships & happiness that NSS has brought me
  • the broken thumb in 2010 that led to my "I choose to be unstoppable" motto
  • the injury & subsequent DNF at Fargo 2011 that forced me to scale back and led to winning shorter races
  • the injury & subsequent DNS at Boston 2012 that helped me to fully appreciate being able to even start Boston 2013
  • the injury & subsequent DNF at Wild Duluth 2012 that taught me to scale back my ambitions and accept that my body has more limits than my brain does
  • the difficulties while training for Boston 2013 that made me realize (a) my love for running is all about trails & nature and (b) I fucking love to lift