Tuesday, September 3

Nutrition: Every now and then I realize that I'm not even feeling hungry lately, really only eating out of habit - so I get the urge to just quit eating & let the stress melt away my fat. Because when I do eat, I basically can't stop. Fortunately, my logical side keeps prevailing and reminding me that for my goals, and for my health, that's a terrible fucking idea. At least there's no more addictive calories in my house. Now I just have to stay strong when grocery shopping.

Acne: Reacting big time. Must be the macadamias. And I added pistachios today, cuz I'm supah smart like that. I was incredibly frustrated tonight trying to find supper at a gas station on the way home - no jerky I could have; no nuts that weren't oil-roasted; no plain meat in the grocery section; NOTHING - and was nearly ready to buy chips and snacks and Eat All The Things. Finally I found grapes & an apple, and settled for that. Frustrated as hell.

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 845p-6a, 96% quality. Like a rock until 3a, then dozing in/out, but got up feeling rested.

A sign that I am getting smarter in my old age: since learning the FIL's cancer has spread (8/22), I've averaged 8.96 hours of sleep nightly, and have taken three full rest days, plus two almost-rest days. In 12 days.

Healthy Movement: Body feels quite good, great recovery from yesterday's run. Left big toe joint is sore again, though I never felt it on the run. Fairly solid session today, especially given my mental state. Doing my best to avoid talking or even thinking much about the FIL while at NSS, but can tell my focus is missing. Keeping Dustin posted so that he knows I'm in no good state.

Fun & Play: Lexi & Hank were playing nicely together this AM. Post-session visit home to eat and let her out, another round of fetch. Brief enjoyment of the sunshine before heading to hospital.

Stress: Back at work for the morning, to escape a bit. Feeling guilty, as this morning was the worst day, said my husband. Although to be fair, every day going foward will probably be worse than the day before. Today the doctor was back for an update; we are now changing to inpatient hospice. The doc said it is a matter of weeks - not even a month.

Fuck everything.

I was smart enough to cancel tomorrow morning's class already today. Told my team I expect to be here in mornings, out in afternoons. Will work that out however I can.  Brought a pile of things to work on at the hospital, rather than watching TV. FIL told us to go back to work, that we didn't all need to be there all the time. But the MIL is there nearly all day every day, and she isn't eating, and today threw up what she did eat, so now we need to worry even more about her. Ugh ugh ugh. 

Grateful: For good employers. Both Hop & I are lucky to have no issues taking the time off.

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