Monday, September 30

Nutrition: Get this: no coffee at home at breakfast, as I forgot to finish the de-scaling process last night. Had a mouthful of coffee-flavored chemicals: yum! Ate more than usual post-class, as I suddenly felt 100% depleted and h/s/g and garbage-y. Ugh.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 81% quality. I am HIGHLY in need of another streak of 9-hour sleeps.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling a bit BLEAH overall, no specific aches or pains. Did class, and it felt tougher than usual. Felt downright trashed afterward - had to scrounge up work I could do at my table rather than desk, so I could sit. Was happy to have a lunch meeting so I didn't have to cancel a run, though I began feeling significantly better around 11a or so. Logged a solid sprint outing with Holea.

In recognition of feeling too rundown lately, I've decided to structure my class so that I can't participate. Less work = happier body. But to just not do class is sad-making. So I'm gonna get my program back to the barbell to keep my brain happy, too. Look out, boys, you gonna grow some muscles!

Fun & Play: Class. Free lunch with the Finance leads, that did NOT mention business stuff! Productive afternoon. Sprints with Holea. A successful outdoor test with Lexi.

Grateful: For cookies that taste like real cookies! They have buckwheat flour, but it's way at the bottom of the list (sugar is #1, obvs), so my fingers are crossed.

Sunday, September 29

Nutrition: Breakfast at Traveler's, yet another DCP. But all was well & good until I ate approximately one metric ton of cookies for supper. Gah.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 1130p-7a, 80% quality. In & out often, and barely dozing 615a onward, but it was that delicious "half awake in a warm bed in a cold room" dozing. Got up relatively rested, though I sure wished I could've slept later.

Healthy Movement: No workout today: no time. But I did help mom dig holes and plant flowers and trim bushes and pull weeds for a couple hours. Body feeling good, but feeling a very strong desire for sheer laziness. Managed to log 5x4 chins in the AM, upper body much improved from yesterday.

Fun & Play: Coffee with Amy. Morning fetch. Long chatty brunch with 4 awesome pals. Bit of planning with Amy & Brian on the upcoming 100k weekend. Knowing I'll see Amy again in just a few more weeks! Met with Dad to see what I can do for him to help with bookkeeping, easy fun stuff for nerds like me. Few hours outside playing in the dirt on an absolutely incredibly beautiful day. AGAIN randomly running into my "big sis" & her kids at the Sauk grocery store. (Wild!) Evening fetch.

Grateful: For cookies I can eat. They actually aren't all that great, but sometimes a girl just wants some (a lot of) damned cookies, you know?

Saturday, September 28

Nutrition: More DCP. Two meals out (Northwoods, Granite City), but feeling well & good, no cravings.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, 1145p-645a, 60% quality. In/out 415a onward. UGH.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling pretty good. Shawn canceled on me early (up all night saving lives), but I was feeling positive about running solo. Did 4.68 miles at LCSP; first lap felt amazing, second felt like shit. So I stopped there, even though I was planning on 10-12 miles. It was raining but that felt good, the body just began to feel like it was way too much work. Dunno what happened, but on the crap sleep, I called it good 'nuff.

Fun & Play: Running in the rain, for a bit of it. Long, chatty, delicious breakfast with my StrongBuddy. Shopping & supper with two long-lost pals, Amy & Juliet (& bebe). Randomly running into my "big sister" & her adorable kids in St Cloud. Fetch. Staying up late chatting with Amy.

Grateful: For great deals. I found jeans & a wool winter coat & a cute dress & a buncha workout clothes. A very successful outing.

Friday, September 27

Nutrition: 2 bottles DCP plus a bunch of pistachios, like a genius. But I was stuck in the car for supper, and up late, so there ya go.

Sleep: 10.25 hours in bed, 9p-715a, 86% quality. Lots of in/out 3-5a, but I got up feeling really good. 

Healthy Movement: Upper body quite sore, even to touch, but lower body aches are nearly gone. Much quieter. Holea wasn't much interested in hills, and it seemed prudent to save myself for a long run, so we did easy downhills

Fun & Play: A day at NSS, a walk/run with Holea, the Carolla show. News of a deadlift PR by my strong-ass buddy. Hard to beat all that!!

Grateful: That I can use my numbers brain to help some of my favorite people. 

Thursday, September 26

Nutrition: Had some vanilla maple AZ with strawberries...mmmmmm!

Sleep: Ugh. 9.25 hours in bed, 915p-630a, but only 66% quality. Wide awake at 145a, up for bathroom, water, honey, took ages to fall back - missing an ear plug. Then woke to a noisy dog at 345a, and luckily the hubs also woke and fetched me a stash of ear plugs. Woke to the alarm and was NOT happy or well-rested.

Healthy Movement: Body feels no worse for wear after yesterday. Still not feeling great by any means, but 5 miles didn't send me backward, so that's huge. Session felt fantastic - PR on dips, from 5 all the way to 8!!

Fun & Play: Excellent session. Lots of play time at the dog park. No TS tomorrow! Learned Amy is having a girl, so she can TOTES name her Sabrina!!

Grateful: For my friends. Lisa & Amy gave me a sweet gift yesterday: NSS gift certificate! Love those girls, and beyond excited to run with one & shop with the other this weekend!

Wednesday, September 25

Nutrition: Treats from my Joy today: macaroons & kombucha, fresh from yesterday's Whole Foods field trip. I'm so spoiled! The macaroons: NOM DIGGITY!

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 830p-445a, 83% quality. Took a while to fall asleep, woke several times, though never wide awake. Decently rested.

Neat-o: I read this sleep article on Precision Nutrition, and guess who is doing EVERYTHING right already? This girl!

Healthy Movement: Body feels about the same: tight calves, deep right glute ache, tight IT in right knee - but it is all slightly better than yesterday. Good enough for a burpees-only class that felt pretty easy. LAPW meeting over lunch, so after work I logged 5 fantastic miles with Shawn out at LCSP. Lungs struggled, but all those aches & pains managed to keep quiet. Hooray!

Fun & Play: 100 burpees! LAPW meeting over lunch. Finalizing weekend plans with my Amy. Running through the woods. Letting Shawn be the babbler so I could just breathe. Saw three deer!

Stress Management: I chillaxed down in the basement with the Brain Wave app for 15 meditative minutes focusing on my Achiever strength. And kept dwelling on its many pitfalls rather than its strengths. Why must I think that way?

Grateful: For the beauty of a deer in the woods. Still utterly delights me every single time.

Tuesday, September 24

Nutrition: Someone is overeating banana chips.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 915p-545a, 88% quality.

Healthy Movement: Still some ache in right glute, still tight calves, noticing right IT/knee is vaguely there. Session felt pretty darn good, though I wasn't the happiest with pulls & bench. Still learning to cope with those downward blips.

Fun & Play: Session. Carolla show discussion. Messages from Joy promising Whole Foods treats. Message from Amy promising a visit this weekend. Doggy fetch.  

Personal growth: Today I gained an official mentor. Assignments and everything!

Grateful: For clearing skin. 

Monday, September 23

Nutrition: Fine. Had to remember to eat a PWO snack...out of practice on 2-a-days!

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 78% quality. Solid but for a 3a wakeup; luckily that left plenty of time to fall back. Got up feeling rested.

Healthy Movement: Body is suffering no true ills from yesterdays: tight calves; moderate ache in deep right glute, ball of left foot; sore glutes & hams; all seem minor. Good enough to do class, though I did take it a bit easy on the lower body. Had absolutely zero desire to run at lunch (work stress), so I just did some mobility work on the jacked-up glute. Nothing seemed to make it better or worse, so whatevs, I still did sprints with Holea. First one felt awful, but it warmed up after that. Holea diagnosed the ache as my hamstring insertion point. Sounds accurate. And minor!

Fun & Play: Class. Sprints w/ Holea. Fetch with pooches. Supper with husband. Well-mannered indoor Hanky boy.

Grateful: For NSS. Just walking in there to meet Holea, I was brighter. What will I do when snow covers the park grass, and my fair-weather friend says no to that nonsense?

Sunday, September 22

Nutrition: Fine. Appropriate breakfast & lunch, but a small supper because I wasn't even feeling hungry. Who am I?!

I don't think my body likes Ultima anymore. I only had it pre- and post-run, not during, and I STILL felt like I might puke it up. A fun 8th mile, truly! Plus, a side ache from roughly miles 3-6, which is odd when I ate two hours prior, other than a half-handful of banana chips right before. Hmph.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 93% quality. Great except the 4a waking, followed by tossing & turning before dozing off...then an alarm waking me. YUCK. Logged a solid two-hour nap in a chilly bedroom post-race, with snuggly warm kitties, which totally made up for the alarm.

Healthy Movement: Body felt good, no specific aches, but I wasn't too pumped up for the run. And the body failed me: glutes/hams reacted like I deadlifted yesterday, the jerks; I couldn't find a pace that would keep both legs & lungs satisfied; side ache (I never get those!); just all-around BLEAH.

My training was less than ideal, but I had hoped I would come in tapered & rested! Mostly, I knew the past 4 weeks of insane stress over Dan (literally one month ago today that we learned of the brain cancer) would predict a less-than-stellar race, but I foolishly thought this week's improvements were a sign I was pulling out of the spiral. (I mean, you heard about my bench on Tuesday, right?!) I guess the longer runs may take a bit longer to come 'round. And I could potentially still get a mental "win" with great recovery - feeling good enough to run tomorrow would be quite fabulous.

Anyway: 10m race report, and bonus post-race climb up the ski hill, because I needed to soothe my brain and finish on a high note. (Highest note in the damn county, methinks!)

Oh, and yesterday I did 3 pull-ups at NSS to reach an even 3700 YTD. Just 1300 to go, and 14 weeks to get there - piece o' pie! What shall I tally next year? So many possibilities...

Fun & Play: Pre-race goodness with a lot of peeps I knew, post-race goodness with fellow running freaks (& Dustin). NAP TIME. Much fetch with both pooches. Outdoor happy kitties. Most of my chores accomplished.

Grateful: That I am upset with a 10:00 pace on a tough trail run. If that's my biggest problem, I'll take it, and gladly.

Saturday, September 21

Nutrition: Meh. Ate out at Northwoods, which was amazing; given a face already freaked-the-fuck-out and full of acne, this may have been a bad idea. But damn, it was so perfectly delicious!

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 915p-515a, 94% quality. Awesome; more would've been better.

Healthy Movement: Rest day to prepare for the 10-miler tomorrow. Body definitely not up for it today. Some aching glutes (why?!) but primarily just that all-over fatigue feeling.

Fun & Play: Volunteered at the bike race - very fun. Brunch afterward with Lisa - even more fun! Work at NSS, okay, not quite as fun, but definitely productive (and peaceful). Eve involved much fetch and a visit from the parents.

Grateful: For a fun local opportunity to volunteer at a race, since I'm always on the other side.

Friday, September 20

Nutrition: Not that bad, actually. Got Hop's smoked ribs for supper, and wasn't TOO much if a pig. 

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 830p-545a, 97% quality. Mostly solid, though a lot of in/out 3a onward. Got up feeling rested.

Healthy Movement: Body feels quite decent. Had my session this AM at TS due to yesterday's funeral; sad effort on pulls, some of which can be blamed on the different bar, but great dip results, given the bars are farther apart & harder.

Fun & Play: Session was nice.

Stress: So. Much. Work.

Want. To. Cry.

Seriously. I do not want to be a lead anymore; the 10% raise I got with this promotion currently feels about 90% too low. I literally do not have time to consolidate my to-do list!! Also, I had to work until past 4 on a Friday, when I'm supposed to leave at 1pm. Eff that noise.

Grateful: For the amazing generosity of Dan's friends and family. A lot of wonderful donations that will cover everything we spent and then some. Mary may even put some toward my RFL goal!

Thursday, September 19

Nutrition: Shortcut city, although I was able to eat a lot of the church lunch: ham, pickles, cukes, cole slaw, coffee. Not enough water at ALL; first I got down was a pint at 5p, then another shortly after that, and no mas. No good.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 1015p-545a, 69% quality. Lot of in/out 3a onward. Got up tired but wired. Started feeling really tired about 3p on drive to Little Falls, felt like a walking zombie most of the eve. 

Healthy movement: Sore hammies again; better than last week but definitely not at typical recovery yet.  Elbows hurt but not like they did before, this is inside, forearm muscles. Lot of sitting today. Stood whenever I could, but was not very much. 

Fun & Play: Chatting with the family. 

Stress: More wake. Funeral service at church. Short service at veteran's cemetery where we said goodbye for the last time. It's really a lot of goodbyes when it's close family, and none of them is easy. None.

Grateful: For my people.

Wednesday, September 18

Nutrition: Fine, just shortcut-filled supper due to wake.

Sleep: 9.5 hours in bed, 915p-645a, 94% quality. BOOM. Just what I need to get through this day.

Healthy Movement: Body feels pretty damn good. Bit of delicious soreness in arms & hams. 3.39m lunch run, easy downhills, a total gold star because I felt strong, fast, & awesome enough to really smash out a hard run, but didn't. Figured I ought to preserve all that ambition for Sunday.

Fun & Play: More UW stuff. Seeing some of my dearest oldest friends at the wake, plus Lisa & Baby Mac and two of my TS peeps, which was a total surprise. Tons of flowers and plaques and stones and wind chimes and pictures, some really amazing gifts.

Stress: Had a nice line from Dustin on the "falling downward" comment that I made. He said it wasn't falling, just an unintentional deload. I like that.

Wake in the evening was as good as it could have been, but still a wake.

Grateful: For my husband's reaction to all of this. He is being a pretty amazing son to his mom, and I'm very proud of him.

Tuesday, September 17

Nutrition: Decent. Not hungry most of the day, so supper was nice & fatty.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, 9p-430a, 81% quality. It was quite solid, just not long enough.

Healthy Movement: Body feels great! Session was pretty effing awesome. Already back to 10 blast-strap pull-ups, and major bench PR: 100x8, prior best of 6 reps (about 2 months ago), and a 1RM calc of 125 (!), when last week I couldn't 115x1 with two tries. See ya later, stress. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, and feel free to stay away for a long, long time, m'kay?

Fun & Play: United Way breakfast, which I championed. Fun! Busy! Glad it's done! An awesome GD session after feeling weak & lame for the past month or so.

Registered for next year's Relay yesterday morning, and today I set my goal for $5000. Let's DO THIS.

Stress: UW breakfast doesn't even make the list, I did not stress about it at all. Happy. Big time work overload, though. UGH. Trying not to feel married to it. Trying very, very hard.

Grateful: For my mom, who knows just what kind of help to give at this time. Hope I inherited that.

Monday, September 16

Nutrition: Okay. Breakfast-for-supper because I didn't accomplish any food prep in the past few weeks. Who wants to stock my fridge with salads and stir fry and (might as well shoot for the moon since I'm clearly dreaming here) carnitas?

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 930p-630a, 92% quality. Another fairly solid night, though a lot of in/out from around 3a onward. Got up feeling well-rested.

Healthy Movement: Body feels good, but skipped noon workout due to being over-damn-booked at work. Sprinted with Holea in the eve for both brain & body happiness. It felt absolutely perfectly fantastic.

Fun & Play: United Way week = fun activities. It was downright wonderful to sprint with Holea and feel evenly-emotioned and physically strong. And just move and breathe and notthink.

Stress: Father-in-law chats with coworkers. It's easier to talk about now, compared to when we were at his deathbed every day (though obviously still difficult). The past few weeks have felt endless and infinitely painful, with a few rare moments of pleasantness, whereas the past couple days have been better, more pleasant with busy-ness and details, with a few moments of sheer awfulness. Such as how at the funeral home, little 4-year-old Carolyn sweetly asked if we were going to leave "when Papa wakes up?" Awful. Just fucking awful.

United Way week = too busy. Plus, increased "normal job" busy-ness, including one shitty situation that I'm loathe to handle, and another potential issue that seems primed to overwhelm my best peeps.

Today on FB I finally hid a "good" friend who hasn't said a thing to me about Dan. It doesn't take much, folks. Brian's "Fuck cancer" comment is the perfect example of just how little it takes to show some appropriate sentiment. (And seriously, he nailed it.) I'm trying hard not to take this shitty friendship personally, because this person has actually failed me many times, but you know me, the little bleeding heart who just wants everyone to love her.

Grateful: For all of my kind coworker friends, especially my NSS peeps, who gave me a sympathy card today that made me both tear up AND laugh at how very well they know me. Best.

Sunday, September 15

Nutrition: More shortcuts.

Sleep: 9.5 hours in bed, 930p-7a, 97% quality. Solid as a rock, just what I needed. 

Healthy movement: Body feels good, but basically sat all day. Some baby-pressing again.

Fun & Play: Nice afternoon at MIL's playing with kids. No dogs today, calmer.

Stress: Tough morning at funeral home making arrangements and viewing the body for the final time before cremation. Reprieve in afternoon, then came home to a Hank-induced disaster.

Grateful: For wonderful friends. They certainly do outnumber the crappy ones.

Saturday, September 14

Nutrition: A day of shortcuts and caffeine. Fantasized rather intensely about a trucker breakfast, complete with pancakes & biscuits. Mostly the biscuits. Even a fast food biscuit sandwich would work. Wanty. Badly. Not enough water, too much coffee. 

Sleep: 5.75 hours in bed, 11p-445a, 60% quality. In late because we stayed late at the hospital, last ones to leave. Up early because Dan died overnight. Sort of almost napped from 2-3p, dozing in front of football game. 

Healthy Movement: Sore glutes, all else is good. Lot of sitting. Lot of crying. Little bit of baby-pressing. 

Fun & Play: The time at Mary's with the family was nice. Sorting pictures, telling stories, playing with dogs and kids. I even held and played with our goddaughter for a full happy hour!

Stress: Tons. At hospital by 515a, didn't leave until 10. Quick dash home to grab the dogs, then to MIL's for the rest of the day to deal with planning. Past 8 when we left. 

Deep disappointment with a friend who hasn't said a word despite certainly seeing my FB post. Some friend. Trying not to care too much. 

Grateful: For the many kind thoughts from family and friends and even "who is that?" folks on FB. It's not all memes and selfies! 

And for those who have directly called or texted Hop especially. I know he's appreciating those people quite deeply today. 

Friday, September 13

Nutrition: I Ate All The Fats today. Sorry if I didn't leave any for you.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 1030p-7a, 90% quality. In late due to hospital visit, took ages to fall asleep due to same.

Healthy Movement: Body is feeling good. Ran up Victoria 5.5 times while Holea did swings and half-hills. It felt pretty darn good, actually. Upper body a bit sore from yesterday's dips, and lower body got a bit creaky after the run, mostly because of a ton of sitting.

Fun & Play: Much better to work at NSS where I could bury myself in tasks and not need so much abstract thinking. It was fun, too, just because all of them are awesomeness squared. Held the baby niece til she fell asleep, and the other one actually liked me today!

Stress: Felt bad I was working all day while Hop was at the hospital. Dreaded every text, fearing what it might say. Seriously disappointed with a few friends/coworkers and their lack of even basic kindness. The hospital visit was full of smiley babies, but Dan is just no longer himself, and it's very, very difficult to watch. I also had to cancel on Amy for tomorrow. 

Grateful: For the hospital visits. 

Thursday, September 12

Nutrition: Fine. Again not interested in eating, despite a snack trip to the GB, but I shoveled it down.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 10p-6a, 80% quality. Woke at 1a to dog, got up for bathroom & water, fell back fairly easily. Turned in late because we were at the hospital late.

Healthy Movement: Body feels good (brain doesn't). Nice easy session. Did 6 chins at home before going to hospital, to get me to 30 so I could smack down that feeling of weakness.  

Fun & Play: Two coworkers who brightened my day. Great lead conversation. Bit of fetch before the hospital. 

Stress: I need the weekend. Like, yesterday. I am a god damned mess. I was smart enough to tell Dustin in advance to change up things like pull-ups because I have zero mental toughness today, so he had me do sets of 3. Felt lame, but better than "failing" at something and beating myself up. I'm already mentally trashed.

I nearly went home sick after my session. I was so stressed about a meeting with my lead that I literally did feel sick to my stomach. Stupidly...I forgot she's awesome? Increased pressure a result of that meeting, though. Ugh. Brought work along to the hospital but couldn't face it. 

Awfully difficult and late night at the hospital. Past my bedtime when we left. I emailed in potentially sick tomorrow. Finally hitting a wall. 

Grateful: For the nurses. They are wonderful. 

Wednesday, September 11

Nutrition: Fairly decent, with PORK RINDS for supper. Noms!

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 930p-645a, 77% quality. Wide awake about 3-4a; bathroom & water, didn't try eating anything. Some monkey mind, but kept it mostly to a minimum. Slept in thanks to having canceled class already yesterday. Blissful. Got to work after 8a, like a slacker.

Healthy Movement: Calves even tighter than yesterday. Energy level is low. And Lisa's back was unhappy, so we ran less than a mile and then just walked & talked, 1.96m total. It was nice.

Fun & Play: Walking with Lisa. Hearing from consultants who love our guts. A round of fetch with my silly pups. More family than usual at the hospital.

Stress: Massive massive work stress. Difficult conversation that I've been dreading for, oh, two weeks now. Went better than I expected, but possibly because I was not as firm as I should have been. Also so overwhelmed by my to-do list and inbox that I want to give up. I'm no good at this leadership thing. Feeling a little defeated and hateful by the time I left.

Difficult hospital visit, with the FIL very agitated and restless again. We did get some good news: he will be able to move to the Melrose nursing home on Monday, which is literally just down the hallway, and a private room. However, the MIL says this with a sad addendum: "if he makes it that long..."

Grateful: For Hop's employer. He is down to just two days of vacation, but they told him not to worry about it, take however much time he needs, they will work it out. That's incredibly generous. So very, very grateful.

Tuesday, September 10

Nutrition: Give me all the fats and back away slowly.

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 845p-6a, 85% quality. Dozing in/out 3a onward, but got up feeling rested.

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent. Tight calves after running in Vibrams yesterday, slight tightness right side of neck (since Sunday) but nothing concerning. Solid session but bench sucked. (It's okay, though - when stress blows up your bench, just eat more macaroons!)

Fun & Play: Played fetch with both dogs before work. Remembered my solution link for bad days. Found this link to the best of the best. Session was a mild boost. More fetch between work and the hospital. More fetch after the hospital. 

Stress: Up & down all day. Yesterday's KILL ALL THE THINGS energy has faded to The Things Are Killing Me. Bad times with Medicare & hospice wanting to move FIL, doctor and family feeling he can't handle a move. Husband under max stress, and his mood brought me low in the AM. Got myself back up after the AM fetch session, only to be brought down again by poor coworker attitudes that made me want to go work in the damned warehouse. Hid out for a while with phone & coffee, only to be made more upset by the FIL situation. Finally they resolved it, temporarily, by postponing the move for at least 5 days.

Here's the deal: if he doesn't get worse, he has to move to the Sauk Centre nursing home. But if he continues to worsen, he can stay. What the fuck is a person supposed to hope for here? Keep dying but stay comfortable? Keep living but move to a shittier less comfortable location? Fuck everything, yo.

Today I wish I was one of those emotion-less assholes who didn't feel everything so intensely.

Grateful: For mom's fractured elbow not needing a full cast. Should make her life a little easier.

Monday, September 9

Nutrition: I ate two of my "PB cups" at breakfast, otherwise feeling good. Supper was large & indulgent (two desserts: SB&J on GF-toast PLUS two more "PB cups"), but I damn well earned it today and was perfectly content with those calories.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 56% quality. Was fairly solid until 330a, when apparently Lexi had a noisy dream, freaked out Oscar, who freaked out Clyde, they had a mini-catfight-freakout and I got scratched. Now there's a vicious wake-up call!! I did not truly fall back sleep after that, just dozed in/out. That is, I dozed after my brain got tired of running down the dark alley of how I will deal with a problem coworker today. Good times. Got up energized, though. Somehow.

Healthy Movement: Got up ready to punch weakness in the throat. Did class, felt great. Ran 3.66m at noon; felt great, other than humid as fuck. Sprinted with Holea, and it too felt great! HULK SMASH! (Actually, bit of deep right glute ache on noon run and early on in sprints. Probably nothing.)

Fun & Play: Class felt great, was nice to feel plain ol' strong again. Loved having a solid run, where my energy level was totally there & even being disgustingly drenched with sweat didn't slow me down. Sprints that felt damned good. Getting to chat with Holea while soaking up sunshine. Fetch with Lexi and Hanky. Big ol' supper with no guilt.

Stress: No happiness at the hospital, for the FIL is possibly being moved tomorrow, and no one is happy. Guilty for not being there, but relieved as well.

Grateful: For my awesome friends.

This was payment from Monica K for shoe rental. She helped herself to a pair from my (open) locker, when I wasn't using them...I didn't even have to do anything. This is a KILLER business plan!!

Sunday, September 8

Nutrition: I made a substitute-filled version of PaleOMG's "peanut butter" cups, and holyshitnom. On the healthier side, I also made roasted cauliflower and baked yams. Plus, despite seriously considering buying ice cream since my skin is already terrible, grocery shopping did NOT include a visit to "my" junk food - the only food bought for me was eggs, prompted by my own advice. Baby steps back to proper nutrition.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 945p-645a, 71% quality. Mostly solid, but woke up a few times, hence the low quality, but I'd judge it more like 85%.

Healthy Movement: Body feels good, just slight ache in both hips from the long run. Much better than I expected. Felt good enough to log an OH Press session, though I did only that plus chins. Another lesson from Dustin: when stressed, it's okay to take it easy & just feel good.

Fun & Play: Hanky in the house most of the morning, working on his manners. Decent showing in my lifting. A fairly good day at the hospital.

Grateful: For cool weather. When I let Lexi out this morning, I almost jumped with glee at the blast of cold air. Love it!

Saturday, September 7

Nutrition: Ups & downs, as is my new usual.

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed, 915p-430a, 78% quality. Solid, but dozing 330a on rears. Got up feeling mostly rested, though certainly wanted more. Napped post-run, 1045a-1230p, but poorly.

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling pretty good. 8.89m run at Andes went well enough. It had both ups and downs, such as tearing up the initial hills, or longing for a walkable uphill at only mile 2, or flying down the last hill at a 5:30 pace. Mostly the humidity was the problem, lungs kept struggling. Overall, though, it was quite fun, especially the Prowler-like trek straight up the face of the steepest ski hill as a finisher. Recovered quite well with the rest of the day being nice & lazy, very few aches & pains, yay!

Fun & Play: Trails with fun folks. A snuggly nap with my kitties. Quick efficient work at NSS. ROUS outing with both dogs. Lots of fetch.

Stress: Minimal today, though I did have to talk myself out of hitting the Mangria in the eve. Not interested in a hungover Sunday.

Grateful: For the ROUS group.

Friday, September 6

Nutrition: Back to feeling like I should just quit eating so I can stop eating All The Things.

Acne: Hating my face, it's looking completely terrible the last day or two. Not quite ready to go Whole30 again, but definitely need to cut back on nut/seed intake; I suspect that will fix it.

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 915p-630a, 93% quality. Woke at 5a to hear Oscar puking; made sure he wasn't on the bed, then fell right back. Got up physically rested but still mentally drained.

Healthy Movement: Body feels decent, better than yesterday. Deadlifts fix everything! Well, almost - they didn't fix my mental state.

Fun & Play: Chatting with coworker about the pet antics last night. Asking a coworker to do something and having her kick ass at it. At least someone still wants to do a great job! Not having to deal with my frustrating coworkers today.

Stress: Stuck in a vicious thought cycle: feeling pissed that I was doing SO WELL and now this stress has come crashing down on me > feeling guilty for thinking this is "happening to me" when it's so much harder on my husband's family than it is me > I'm such a jackass and deserve to suck. I truly am very not nice to me.

Worked at TS longer than a normal Friday in order to wrap up a couple things, and did not go to NSS. Which means I have to go tomorrow, after my long run at Andes, and before (hopefully) going to the ROUS party out at Lake Bountiful with Hanky and Lexi. A day of wonderful retreat, I hope. It's needed,

Grateful: That my body is giving me extensive sleep during this time. 

Thursday, September 5

Nutrition: Oh, the calories. Oh, the work stress. Oh, the emotional exhaustion. Oh, it's deadlift day. Oh, who cares.

Acne: Very, very bad. But I had (unplanned) cashews this morning, in the form of this deliciousness:
Yeah, I ate dessert at breakfast. What's your damn point?
I could have easily downed 18 of 'em with the day I had.

I ate the Chocolate Mint tart last night. And just learned, when looking for a picture, there's also Chocolate Almond Butter, Coconut Vanilla Creme, and Persian Lime tarts. Om nom nom. Please find and buy all of them for me, m'kay? 

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 73% quality. I think it was better than that, and the graph LOOKS better than that. Woke around 230a but didn't get up. I'd call it more like 85%

Healthy Movement: Still have terribly sore legs. It feels like I've never squatted before Tuesday. Had a fabulous session with my Buddy, and nothing worsened after that.

Fun & Play: Tarts & cookies all day! A free kombucha in my drawer from my sweet Buddy! Lifting with my Buddy and watching her amazeballs deadlift PR. Being disappointed that I "only" did 10 pull-ups. Bringing Hank to the dog park, where I got to see my three favorite Great Danes. Time at home with all four pets outside, even watching Oscar chase Hank!

Stress: Up and down in terms of the FIL. Skipped the hospital today to give myself a break and also to get some freaking work done.

Put in a full and [stressful] work day packed with
"Holy shit I have so much to do and don't know what I'm doing and have no time to do it!"  
"How the hell does someone do this shitty of a job even once, much less day after day after day?"  
"I want to go home and never come back, ever." thoughts.
It was just one of these days:
Better than killing them, right?

Grateful: For my Marthaler curls. This is what my hair does without any effort:

Wednesday, September 4

Nutrition: Up and down. Hit both the Grain Bin & Coborn's tonight, so I have a nice stash of treats - and managed to walk past the nut butter in both places. Gold star!

Acne: Bad again. Adding no nothing today.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 10p-6a, 72% quality. Got to bed late due to late night at hospital talking to hospice nurse & social worker. Poor supper effort led to poor sleep quality, as did a very restless husband.

Healthy Movement: Very sore legs today, poor recovery from yesterday's squats again. If you've ever wondered whether stress inhibits recovery, you can stop asking! I'm still guzzling water and I've actually gotten better at PWO carbs, but still getting soreness. Took it easy on myself by making my nooner into a run/walk with Lisa.

Fun & Play: Fetch with Lexi and Hank at 7am. Loving the beautiful fall mornings. Noon with Lisa. More fetching in the eve.

Stress: Hank is digging holes nonstop; he's jealous of Lexi plus getting bored since we're gone so much.

Selfishly realized today that we probably won't be going to Cedar Lake this year, our annual camping/racing vacation. I've been going for 10 straight years, and Hop's around 15+. It's next weekend, and unless Dan is doing better than we currently expect, we simply can't go. And I was planning to hook up with Amy for a hiking outing that Saturday. Perhaps if things are still okay I can at least do that. And all of that thinking makes me feel like a jerk.

Grateful: For the coworker (from a completely different team) who tried to share homemade peppermint patties with me this morning. They had cream, so I couldn't have one, but it was so damn sweet of her to offer them to me!

Tuesday, September 3

Nutrition: Every now and then I realize that I'm not even feeling hungry lately, really only eating out of habit - so I get the urge to just quit eating & let the stress melt away my fat. Because when I do eat, I basically can't stop. Fortunately, my logical side keeps prevailing and reminding me that for my goals, and for my health, that's a terrible fucking idea. At least there's no more addictive calories in my house. Now I just have to stay strong when grocery shopping.

Acne: Reacting big time. Must be the macadamias. And I added pistachios today, cuz I'm supah smart like that. I was incredibly frustrated tonight trying to find supper at a gas station on the way home - no jerky I could have; no nuts that weren't oil-roasted; no plain meat in the grocery section; NOTHING - and was nearly ready to buy chips and snacks and Eat All The Things. Finally I found grapes & an apple, and settled for that. Frustrated as hell.

Sleep: 9.25 hours in bed, 845p-6a, 96% quality. Like a rock until 3a, then dozing in/out, but got up feeling rested.

A sign that I am getting smarter in my old age: since learning the FIL's cancer has spread (8/22), I've averaged 8.96 hours of sleep nightly, and have taken three full rest days, plus two almost-rest days. In 12 days.

Healthy Movement: Body feels quite good, great recovery from yesterday's run. Left big toe joint is sore again, though I never felt it on the run. Fairly solid session today, especially given my mental state. Doing my best to avoid talking or even thinking much about the FIL while at NSS, but can tell my focus is missing. Keeping Dustin posted so that he knows I'm in no good state.

Fun & Play: Lexi & Hank were playing nicely together this AM. Post-session visit home to eat and let her out, another round of fetch. Brief enjoyment of the sunshine before heading to hospital.

Stress: Back at work for the morning, to escape a bit. Feeling guilty, as this morning was the worst day, said my husband. Although to be fair, every day going foward will probably be worse than the day before. Today the doctor was back for an update; we are now changing to inpatient hospice. The doc said it is a matter of weeks - not even a month.

Fuck everything.

I was smart enough to cancel tomorrow morning's class already today. Told my team I expect to be here in mornings, out in afternoons. Will work that out however I can.  Brought a pile of things to work on at the hospital, rather than watching TV. FIL told us to go back to work, that we didn't all need to be there all the time. But the MIL is there nearly all day every day, and she isn't eating, and today threw up what she did eat, so now we need to worry even more about her. Ugh ugh ugh. 

Grateful: For good employers. Both Hop & I are lucky to have no issues taking the time off.

Monday, September 2: RD28

Nutrition: Finished my Sunbutter today. Apparently stress = fat cravings.

Acne: Some cysts developing, though better than I expected after the macadamias.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 10p-6a, 81% quality. Solid as a rock. Thank you, cool weather and open windows!

Healthy Movement: Got up feeling pretty good. Bit of achiness in high hip/oblique area. 6.66m run at Glacial felt really good, and was exactly right for the brain. Hips ached rest of day, tried to remember to get up regularly at the hospital.

Fun & Play: Fetch with both dogs at 645a, enjoying the chilly morning! Glacial Lakes State Park, possibly my favorite spot. A run that felt great for both body and mind. Cute nieces.

Stress: Another long day at the hospital, ending with a sad discussion.

Grateful: For the holiday weekend that allowed us all to spend a lot of time together.

Sunday, September 1: RD 27

Nutrition: Indulged in crunchy Sunbutter at breakfast. And lunch. And supper. And finished the macadamias I bought yesterday. No more carb cravings, now I'm all about the fat. Weird.

Acne: Nothing new since yesterday, so there's that, at least. But even the potential of acne didn't slow me down on the macadamias. Smart.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 1015p-630a, 78% quality. Felt like I woke up a lot, and could've used more. Really felt it around 4p, but by the time I got home, too late to nap.

Healthy Movement: Got up with incredibly tight calves. My recovery is terrible...what up, stress? Headed to the basement to see how lifting might go, but quickly realized there would be no two-hour session. Logged the priority lift, and called it good 'nuff.

Fun & Play: Lexy and Hank played fetch nicely for a while. The cats don't care about Lexy. Productivity (and peace) at NSS. More fetch time.

Stress: Hank is too wild for Lexy's taste. Trying to fit in all the chores (laundry, lifting, litter, groceries, food making, bill paying, landlording, NSS work) today so tomorrow I can run and visit the hospital. Skipped it today, and felt guilty.

Grateful: That my papa celebrated his 56th birthday today. Give him at least 40 more, eh?

Saturday, August 31: RD26

Nutrition: At breakfast I finished off the macaroons I bought Thursday night. The sugar cookies were gone yesterday. For lunch I made French toast (topped with cooked mushy bananas and sided by maple apple chicken sausage). Leigh Peele tells me stress's effect on the body is moderated by carbs. If so, I'm kicking stress's ass! 

I mostly indulged based on the expectation I'd be at the hospital the rest of the day and either snacking or fasting. I brought along a packet of coconut butter, handful of almonds, and nabbed some jerky at the gas station. I also took a mid-day break to visit a friend, and swung through the grocery store for a better snack selection. I found dry-roasted macadamia nuts, dates, and dried blueberries. Much better than a gas station! However, I didn't need any of it (though I ate some) because we went to a buffet for supper, and my belly ached with regret.

Acne: Not worsening after yesterday's fresh round. Adding a bottle of DCP to prompt it (in need of caffeine, yo), as well as BBQ sauce (light, but still) on ribs & brisket at the buffet. I'm dumb.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 10p-630a, 89% quality. Tough time falling asleep; woke to a barking Hank at 11p, got up to soothe him, hit the bathroom, fell back. In/out 3a onward, but got up feeling rested.

Healthy Movement: Did not have energy for a long run, or even a short run. Calves still tight, left foot still achey, but mostly a mental block. Took Hank to Carlos for a 3.67m walk, with hopes we might be able to run a bit. 'Twas not fun; even a Gentle Leader does not keep him from straining.

Fun & Play: Dan was nicely coherent today. Got to see him walk down the hall (with a walker and two nurses) two times, and he said it was hard work, but he looked good. Rolled his eyes at Missy. Ate an ice cream cone and it stayed down.

Was also quite wonderful to pop over to Shari's for a visit. Caught up with her, saw the kids, saw the hubs, saw the messy house, loved every bit of it!

Stress: Day of sitting around a hospital room is tough.

Grateful: For good days.