Monday, July 1: W30D15

Nutrition: Breakfast was on-the-go due to class, and much less than ideal: jerky & a Larabar. Oops. But worth the trade-off for the extra half hour of sleep.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 72% quality. Felt worse - woke once at 130a, and felt like I woke up constantly from 330a onward. GROSS. Spent most of the day feeling easily distracted & unable to focus for more than 5 minutes.

Healthy Movement: Feeling post-long-run soreness in feet, a bit in hips. Trying to avoid depression that this is after just 8.64m. Gah. Left elbow a bit sore yet while carrying bags in early AM, farmer's walk style. Shins sore, not sure if that is now to be considered "typical post-long-run soreness" or not.

Did warm-up with class, jumping hurt the shins, all other movements felt good. Went into session feeling a little beat up but dug out a freaking 100x6 bench press. Fuck yeah!

NG pulls in session felt harder than they should have, but still smooth: 7, 6, 6, 6.

Combed yard in search of Hank's missing tags. 3 acres! Figure I put on at least a mile of easy walking, that's getting counted! And where were the tags? Down in the cushion of the chair he sleeps in out in the garage. Found by the hubster who started with the obvious. Sheesh.

Fun & Play: Teaching class was fun! Session was great fun, huge mental boost from the bench progress. And the yard wandering was also fun; worked on my runner's tan lines!

Temperance: Steve asked last week if I wanted to write a testimonial for NCP. I have not replied yet, and it's been a whole week already. I haven't even been able to fill out the (anonymous) survey. Why not? Because I have this super-typical-Sabrina feeling that I failed at NCP.

I don’t know what to write in a testimonial for it. I don't feel I accomplished any tangible achievements. I used Steve as a therapist during my depression season, and just another voice of reason to tell me that I have to prioritize, I can't Do All The Things, and to validate for me that it's okay to say no. I didn't really get any new nutrition advice out of it (is there anything I haven't already seen in my endless Googling?) or create any new habits, and in some ways it only prolonged the food obsession.

I have, in fact, been doing much better since I started the Whole30 and quit tracking. It's been two weeks now and I haven't ballooned up, nor lost all performance. (Didya hear about my benching??) And mentally, I almost can't explain the complete change in food thoughts, from unrelenting obsession to "follow the rules, eat the food, move on." It's been a most welcome switch. I can't write a testimonial that says NCP helped me realize that daily nutrition tracking makes me fucking crazy!

And wow, I have just realized the utter and precise truth of the phrase "depression season." Working at the tax firm hasn't always been grueling, but for the past three straight years, while trying to add in marathon training, it's been awful enough that I am finally 100% certain that I can't do that to myself again. Or to my people. The fuck gives me the idea that it's okay for me bitch to all my loved ones about how much tax season sucks, when I am choosing to do it to myself? Suffer in silence, or stop suffering; you control it, you annoying heifer!

But which do I give up, the people at the tax firm, or the marathon training? Or both? And what if I want them both? I love the people there. I love the people here. I love the people at NSS. I want to do Boston. I want to keep up my powerlifting strength. I want to Do All The Things.

And this is my problem, you see. I guess Steve's teaching still hasn't sunk in.

Grateful: For obligation-free evenings. Tonight's yard wandering was good for the tired body and soul.

2 comments:

  1. Who the fuck is the heifer you are speaking to?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, some heifers are downright cute: http://www.jwest.biz/images/Beautys05heifer1005.jpg

    ReplyDelete