Brain Vomit

I read this incredibly amazing letter on Friday...are you a female? Do you know a female? GO READ IT NOW.

And then I re-read it, this time while thinking about the young girls in my life, such as Sarah, Emma, Gracie, Alana, Mackenzie...and what I wouldn't give for them to never, ever, ever waste this much energy on what they look like, or hang any self-worth on their appearance.

Yet what message am I giving them with my actions? How can I say this shouldn't matter so much to them, while it still matters so much to me?

And WHY does it still matter so much to me?

Why do I look at 2011 as "the year I re-gained my weight" rather than the year I won a 5k, won a 10k, ran a beastly hard 25k, easily ran a 50k (just as fast as Dustin!), hit 10 consecutive pull-ups, and trained for a powerlifting meet that made me a wonderful new beastie bestie?

What the FUCK is wrong with me?

With all of us??

If it's a terrible idea for those beautiful girls to grow up focusing on how they look...and it is...then it's a terrible idea for me, too. For all of us.

Today I had lunch with two wonderful women, longtime besties from Sauk. Both went into their nutrition & exercise situations, beating themselves up for "letting themselves go" and granting themselves more worth when they were on track & losing weight, etc, typical woman talk, and all I could think was: this is wrong.

They are wonderful mothers, amazing friends, fantastic wives, incredible daughters, delightful siblings. You probably are too. I don't give a fuck how big or small they or you are...and I would bet my pinky that no one else does, either. So why should they, or you, or I, or ANY of us, care so much? Or at all?

Yes, I want to have that elusive perfect body. We all do. But it's simply not possible. Even the fitness models with perfect six-pack abs are dissatisfied with their appearance.

And I have realized that I want to, NEED TO, stop thinking about it all the fucking time. I don't want to be this obsessed. I want to be able to just eat appropriately for my energy level and move on with life.

And the biggest kicker of all: I am healthy, RIGHT NOW, TODAY. I pick up heavy things, I have solid endurance, my diet is chock full o' vitamins and minerals, I am not on any medications, I have the energy to back up my enthusiasm most of the time - how many can say that? How many would give their pinky to have my level of health?

Sure, I could look better - but who cares, besides me?


And what if my body is perfectly happy where it is, and what if keeping this extra layer of soft fluff is what prevents it from breaking down when I whip out a 3-a-day, or decide to run 10 trail miles just for the fun of it?

Wouldn't that be worth the fluff, as compared to being thin but feeling rundown and regularly getting injured and unable to do what I love to do?

FUCK YES! I'd take that trade-off, any day!

But there's no guarantee either way. I can still get injured if I'm fluffy; I've done it. And maybe I would feel just fine if I were leaner; I've done that, too.

Regardless, it's about time I spend my brain cells on far more beneficial efforts.

I'm too smart for this.

Aren't I?

Aren't you?

How do we all get the fuck off this crazy train to Bullshit Land and get back to being our awesome, worthy, valuable, beloved selves?

1 comment:

  1. "How do we all get the fuck off this crazy train to Bullshit Land and get back to being our awesome, worthy, valuable, beloved selves?"

    Very good question. I don't have many answers of course, but it's pretty damn good to repeatedly settle on the fact that you are healthy, strong, and able to run a bunch of hard trail miles whenever you want. The rest is superficial BS that's surely to come up in the mind again and again thanks to the complex web of effed up societal influences we all struggle with. All those body image issues are so demoralizing for women and I'm afraid my daughter will have to deal with them in some way in the future. Thanks for doing your part to debunk the BS!