Thursday, April 4

Nutrition: GOTD is to just feel okay with what I'm eating. Supremely stressful work day, so the "no fake carbs" goal can't apply. Especially when I had to find some fake carbs at 230a again. Yup, that was awesome.

This is typically the point at which I start a downward spiral of feeling helpless and overwhelmed because I can't freaking sleep, and I start to overeat. The ideal plan would be to maintain a static total caloric intake and adjust macros & meal timing & allathat until I figure out what lets me sleep. But I am too fucking tired to be capable of it.

Consumed: fake granola; turkey egg, Brussels sprouts, kraut, side pork, coffee w/ coconut milk; plain coffee; Americano w/ SFS; more plain coffee; Sunbutter w/ fake granola, DCC; prime rib, apple, fake granola, another DCC; raw veg w/ balsamic, roast beef w/ carrots & potatoes, tea; apple w/ cocoprotoPB dip, senna tea
Tally: 475cal P, 900cal C, 375cal F = 1750cal total

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed, 915p-6a, but pretty well canceled out by 78% quality. Checked clock at 2a, got up at 230a h/s/g to hit bathroom & eat some carbs; took ages to fall back. Got up very tired, big-time angry face, but only becuase there was no "I want to cry" face. So. Tired.

What gives? I ate 1900 calories yesterday, for a 4-day average of 1800. That should be plenty high enough to sleep well.

Body: Sore upper back, most likely from yesterday's class. All else feels pretty good. Left glute slightly jacked up. Session was fine but brain was fading.

NG pulls in session, 4x5.

Brain: Tired and cranky and behind at TS. Facing another weekend of working each day because of month-end at TS coinciding with my usual NSS day. This makes me want to cry. I am on my 12th straight day of work today, and the idea of it definitely becoming14 is bad enough, let alone potentially 20. Even when I love all of my jobs, and have a vacation arriving on day 21...that's just too damned much. Especially on crappy sleep. But I just don't know how else to make it all work.

Tiredness is also decidedly affecting my perspective. Skin freakout = I'm ugly, feeling cranky = I'm such an asshole, why does anyone like me, feeling tired = I hate my stupid body. Yeah, not a fun day to be me.

Pathetically, an offhand comment by another client at NSS stabbed me: after asking how long I'd been training with Dustin (3.5 years) the guy said, "Wow, you must be Super Woman by now," and on a good day I would have corrected him with "Nope, Wonder Woman." Instead, on this crappy day, I went directly to thinking "Yeah, I used to be, but now I suck." Again, the cunty voice in my head needs to be carved out and brutally murdered.

Grateful: For the smart, capable, fun, chipper coworker I spent the afternoon training, who pulled me out of my funk.

Also for the doe in my backyard. Beautiful.

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