Wednesday, March 27

Nutrition: Goal of "no fake carbs," range of 1500-1800. Went high end since last night's sleep was poor, impacted by low calories over the last 3 days: 725+1500+1650=1291 average. Way too low; I should've bumped up yesterday already.

Once again I was satisfied at supper and had to re-verify the numbers...when I can't mindlessly nosh on Larabars, it takes a lot more food quantity to hit 200 calories. (Who knew!) I was only at 1500 calories and scrounging for something more that sounded to micro cake, no to fudge bar, no to protein pudding, finally a yes to apple & PB. Now, where the hell has this feeling been for the last 6 months?!

Consumed: dates; carnitas, kraut, apple, coffee w/ coconut milk; Americano w/ SF syrup; almonds, hot dog, can Zevia; salad w/ HB egg, coffee, supps; egg bake, DCC; salad w/ avocado, pepitas, & ham, apple & choco-PB-protein-coco dip, senna tea, supps
Totals: 475 cal P, 475 cal C, 825 cal F = 1775.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 9p-5a, 83% quality, felt worse. Solid until I woke at 1230a, hit bathroom, couldn't fall back, got up (marveled at the brightness of the full moon on the glowing snow), ate 4 dates, back to bed and then fell asleep rather easily. Some tossing & turning after ~4a though.

Body: Feeling really good. Typically after squat day, the class warm-up tells me I'm tight all over the place, but today I felt great! Took a rest day anyway. LAPW meeting over lunch, was going to run in eve, but lost my motivation. Was lazy instead.

Pulls before/after class: 5x3.

Brain: Doing well. Late work day but was doing something "leady" and really truly enjoying it so I just plain did not want to stop. How awesome is that?!

Wary of the sleep issue, but not focusing on it, not dwelling.

Thought about this instead:

Last night's LAPW speaker kept talking about being careful of the story you tell yourself, because the story becomes your thoughts become your actions become your habits become your results. You can imagine why this hit home. So. Hard.

Do you think that perhaps telling myself "I can't train for a marathon, through the winter, during tax season! I'm going to get injured, I'm going to gain weight, it's not going to work," had anything to do with the results I've had? Gosh no, that can't be!

I knew it was a bad story. But telling myself otherwise felt like it would be wasted time & energy, pure fluff, really, what can filling my head with such bullshit truly accomplish? I know that my sleep goes to shit during tax season. I know that I always fall apart during tax season. I know that I always gain weight during tax season.  I know that long winter runs suck. I know that I'm going to face an injury again. These are beliefs, certainties, faith, and you can't simply decide to believe otherwise.

Can I tell a nun that Jesus never existed and change her faith? No. She believes. And did she decide to believe in Jesus? No. Just like I can't decide to believe in Jesus! It's not a decision. Something(s) happens to prove to you that this belief is valid, or invalid, and so you march forward in that belief (or non-belief).

But, foolish girl, what would be the harm with filling your head with a bullshit story? Even if you don't believe it, why not tell yourself that story? Maybe if I had told myself every day (even the down-in-the-dumps days) that I was capable of this, I would have marched forth into the winter determined to do my best to prove it. Instead, I folded like a bad poker hand and meekly submitted to the expected failure.

Well, fuck that. It needs to end. Meek is for pussies. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, a victim, a whining annoying chump who brings everyone down. I'm determined to rediscover the Sabrina who sought out giant challenges, believed in her abilities, had confidence, liked herself.

She's gotta be around here somewhere; after all, the silly broad can't run too fast anymore!

Grateful: For this instinct: while talking to Monica yesterday about the Train & Stay, and hearing her say she needed just needed to make the commitment and then figure out the training, my gut reaction was to tell her "Okay, so let's make a weekly running date on the trails. Let me help you do this."

I did not offer, because I'm learning to avoid over-committing myself, but I like that my brain instantly visualized a regular Saturday morning group trail run, that my automatic instinct still is to help others run.

I like that about me. And I want to do something with that someday. But right now I need to work on helping ME run.

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