Tuesday, February 19

Nutrition: Last night I made a truly radical decision: no more tracking.

I have been tracking every single morsel I eat for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. I'm tired of doing it, it takes up too much energy, and most importantly: it's not benefitting me anymore.

I don't make healthier choices because of it - my choices can't really get a whole lot healthier. It doesn't prevent me from overeating - in fact, sometimes the opposite. And when it's ugly, even if my body comp has not actually changed, I feel like a failure and beat myself up. Obviously there is no benefit to that at all, so why the hell am I still doing it?

Here is what I need to do: follow the Whole9 macro recommendations, and do not purchase trigger foods.
  • Macros per meal: a palm-sized serving of protein, 2 vegetables, a serving of fat. Add a dose of carbs PWO. Occasionally a serving of fruit. Avoid snacking. Done. If I can abide by that, I don't need to count calories or track what I'm eating. I'm going to land where I need to land, give or take.
  • Trigger foods for me are nuts, nut butters (although almonds & packets of Sunbutter are okay), and certain "paleo junk food" that I can't resist. These are the foods that I eat far beyond a reasonable serving size, pretty much every time. (Larabars are okay, Jennie's macaroons are NOT.) Or perhaps I can eat them reasonably for a while, but once I'm feeling tired & beat down, I can't avoid stuffing my face. Basically, any food where I regularly have the mindset of "Well, if I just eat the rest of it right now, it will be gone and I won't have to resist it anymore" needs to stop coming into my house so I simply can't binge on it. (Obvious, isn't it?)

I'm going to continue to track things that I think are important: sleep, miles, pull-ups, recovery work, and stress. For now, at least, that's it.

Steve, bless his brilliant helpful heart, fully agreed with the above.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 845p-445a, 91% quality. I woke for a sec when Hop came to bed (midnight, according to the graph), and then woke for good around 415/430. Tried to fall back just in case I could, but couldn't, partly because Oscar decided it was time for a love fest. I did feel pretty well-rested.

Bonus: Sliver of daylight at 615am. Wheeeee!

Body: Shoulder/neck thing is almost gone. Back to pull-ups season, baby!

Foot feels better - did not tape in morning; sometimes it hurt, sometimes it didn't. Better later in the day.

Session felt fantastic.

Stretches x3 (7a, 130p, 8p). Chins in session, 3x3.

Brain: See "nutrition" & "sleep" - I am doing much better. Also, see Steve.

We spent plenty of time talking about my mental overload being a direct result of my overcommitments - which are a direct result of my complete inability to say no to anyone.

Funny story: after telling him how overloaded I was, mentally beat down, practically in tears, Steve asked if I ever do other people's taxes, and of course I do, and so then he asked if I would consider helping him out, and of course I said yes. And that was a trick, the little bastard - wanting to show me that even while I was so vocal about my stress overload, I still did not hesitate for one single second to add more work to my life. And at that realization, my tears flowed like a faucet.

I am willing to help everyone, all the time...even if it kills me. It seems I think I have to help save the entire world; I want everyone to like me, am a people-pleaser beyond fucking belief. It's sickening! All this stress is my own fault. I am doing this to myself. I knew this, and yet today I knew it. Cue tears.

However, there is a bright spot: if I am the problem, that means I am also the solution.

I need to narrow my focus to the things that I have to do and the things I enjoy doing - and offload the rest as much as I can. Steve also shed light on how to view the list by asking if I would be willing to walk away from X provided they had someone willing to do the work, step in and replace me, guilt-free...would I be okay with letting it go? On certain things (LAPW Treasurer), I can say yes, absolutely, but on other things (NSS), no way - because it does truly fill my bucket to do them.

So that is my dividing line: does it fill my bucket? It's time to make some lists and get relentless about trimming it up.

Grateful: For Steve.

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