Thursday, January 17

Nutrition: Low-carb day, kept calories moderate.

330a-2 fried eggs, slice protein bread, chicken sausage, micro cake, 2c decaf w/ T coconut milk, supps
8a-coconut flakes & Sunbutter, Americano w/ SF syrup
9a-s coconut flakes, Americano w/ SF syrup
10a-2c decaf
11a-2c half-caff
12p-salad w/ balsamic, can Zevia (forgot supps)
145p-coconut flakes & Sunbutter
4p-2c herbal tea
6pm-c asparagus, 3oz chicken w/ T honey mustard, pint Arctic Zero, supps
Throughout day-2.5 quarts water

Sleep: 6 hours in bed, 9p-3a, 71% quality. One NyQuil. Took a while to fall asleep, solid when I did, but wide awake around 215a. Could not fall back even though my mind was quiet. Just wide awake. FML.

Body: Feels quite good. Neck/shoulder area is 99% already.

Stretches x2 (5a, 8p). Pulls forgotten until eve, then just plain skipped.

Brain: So tired. Killed some time at home, then went to work at NSS for an hour or so. Then off to TS where I was too exhausted to even work myself up about interview round 2. Great combination, yeah?

I kept telling myself “They want to like me, give them a reason," and tried to just be honest and direct. If I give a bullshit answer, they’re going to know it, and if that’s what they actually want in a lead, well, then, they shouldn’t hire me. I feel okay about it. Not super confident, not like it was a disaster.

The interview part was fine, but for the scenarios it was really hard to talk in terms of “I would do this,” when I’m not sure exactly what my authority would be, and I couldn't ask clarifying questions before explaining my action. Like, if I had a delicate situation, my first step would probably be to go to my lead and ask “Can I do this?” “Can I say this?” “What have we done in the past?” – but I don’t want to say that’s what I would do, ask for help right away!

Plus, I’m so full of self-doubt and insecure when I’m this tired and run-down, I feel like that came across in my answers. Also, for the scenario portion they are observing and treating it as if you were actually presenting in a meeting, and I know that I did poorly at that, too much staring at the table and “um” and lacking any confidence whatsoever. That's what you want in a lead, right?

When it was over, I went to the bathroom, and I literally started bawling in that stall just out of the sheer stress release of “It’s over,” but also “What have I done, what if I get it, what if my life becomes this stress level ALL THE TIME?” etc. And I am not a pretty crier (cryer?), so then I had to hide for a while. (Finally found a use for our many Tranquility Rooms!)

But I survived and it’s out of my hands and it probably was from the start. I am to the thought point now where if I get it, I just hope the team accepts me and I am good at it. If I don't get it, I hope that I like whoever does get it, and that I figure out what will make me enjoy my current position again. I just wish I didn't spend my day feeling like I completely sucked it up this morning.

Managed to maintain my eating plan despite another breakdown at home. Even resisted freshly-purchased raw cashews. Too exhausted to binge? Bought that ZMA so hopefully tomorrow's post is full of sunshine and rainbows.

Grateful: That I work at job where people can see you've been crying and ask if you're okay. At the time, it SUCKS - because it only makes me want to cry again. But it means I work with kind people, and that is something I very much appreciate.

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